Main Characters

King Henry VI

Humphrey, Duke of Gloucester — his uncle

Eleanor, Duchess of Gloucester

Queen Margaret

Cardinal of Winchester (a.k.a. Henry Beaufort) — great-uncle to the King

Duke of Somerset (a.k.a. Edmund Beaufort) — the Cardinal’s nephew

Duke of Buckingham (one of two characters named Sir Humphrey Stafford — see *Note below)

Lord Clifford (Thomas, or “Old” Clifford)

Young Clifford — his son John

Richard, Duke of York

Edward Plantagenet and Richard Plantagenet — sons of Richard, Duke of York, and later Edward IV and Richard III

Earl of Salisbury (a.k.a. Richard Neville) — son-in-law to the Salisbury in Part One; also brother-in-law to the Duke of York  

Earl of Warwick (a.k.a. Richard Neville) — Salisbury’s son, and son-in-law to the Warwick in Part One

Duke (Marquis) of Suffolk (a.k.a. William de la Pole)

Jack (or John) Cade — rebel leader

Sir Humphrey Stafford (*Note: This was the 7th Baron Stafford, who was related to the Duke of Buckingham.)

William Stafford — his brother

Lord Scales

Lord Saye (or Say)

Sheriff

Sir John Stanley

Margery (or Marjorie) Jordan — witch

John Hume and John Southwell — priests

Roger Bolingbroke — conjurer

Thomas Horner — armourer to the Duke of York

Peter Thump — Horner’s assistant and one of three Petitioners

Two Other Petitioners

Alexander Iden

Ship’s Captain, Master, Master’s Mate, and Walter Whitmore — pirates

Two Gentlemen — prisoners with Suffolk

Clerk of Chatham

Mayor of Saint Albans

Simon Simpcox and his Wife

George Bevis, John Holland, Dick the Butcher, Smith the Weaver — followers of Cade

Two Murderers

Herald (delivers the Epilogue and the speech in Act 4, Scene 3A)

Gist of the story: These events take place from 1445 (marriage of Henry and Margaret) to 1455 (first Battle of Saint Albans).  King Henry’s court is beset with disunity.  Gloucester is horrified to learn that the deal that brought Margaret to England as Henry’s Queen involves returning lands to the French previously won by Henry V.  Winchester, Somerset, Suffolk, and Buckingham are out to get Gloucester, who is the King’s Protector and the one who really runs things.  Gloucester’s wife is accused of witchcraft and exiled.  Gloucester is accused of various bogus offenses and then murdered.  With Gloucester gone, this court is in big trouble, because Henry is a weak king.  Richard, Duke of York, gets Salisbury and Warwick on his side, because he intends to claim the throne.  York is sent to Ireland to suppress rebels, but before he goes, he arranges with Jack Cade to stir up a rebellion against the King.  The rebellion is suppressed, but York sees that there is considerable discontent with Henry.  York returns with his army, plus the Irish, and claims the throne.  The Wars of the Roses have now broken out for real.  The Yorks defeat the Lancasters at Saint Albans, and as the play ends, the Lancasters are retreating to London.

    (Once again, the reader is cautioned that Shakespeare takes a lot of liberties with historical details for the sake of the story line.  The Yale Shakespeare edition of 1923 has excellent notes on the history.  I have added an Epilogue because the ending needed help.  This is the first modernized version of Henry VI, Part Two ever published.)

Act 1, Scene 1.  The King’s palace in London.  Flourish of trumpets and flourish of oboes to indicate two parties coming in.  From one side: King Henry, Humphrey, Duke of Gloucester, the Duke of Somerset, the Duke of Buckingham, and the Cardinal of Winchester; from the other side: the Duke of York, the Marquis of Suffolk, Queen Margaret, the Earl of Salisbury, and the Earl of Warwick.  [Author's note: This Suffolk is the younger brother of the Suffolk who was killed at Agincourt in Henry V.  He was referred to as an earl in Part One and has since been promoted to marquis, one rank below duke.  Everyone else is related to the King in some way.  This is the first meeting of Henry and Margaret, who has just been brought back from France to be Henry's Queen.  Historically, Margaret was 15 at this time, and Henry was 23.]

Suffolk (Bows to the King): Your most gracious Majesty, I have carried out the mission I was sent to do.  Before the high lords of France, I was your proxy in marriage to Lady Margaret of Anjou.  Now I relinquish the title of husband and present her to you as your lawfully wedded wife.  This is the happiest gift that a lord ever gave to his King–and the most beautiful queen a king ever received.

King: I thank you with all my heart, my lord of Suffolk.  She is just as beautiful as you described her.–Welcome, Queen Margaret–my happiness!  (He kisses her gently.)  Never did a king love his queen more than I love you now.

Queen: And may our love grow day by day as long as we live.  This is the happiest day of my life.

Suffolk (Kneeling): Long live Queen Margaret, England’s happiness!

All the Lords (Kneeling): God bless the Queen!

Queen (Wiping away a tear of joy): Thank you, my lords.

    (A trumpet flourish.  They all rise.)

Suffolk (To Gloucester): My lord of Gloucester, here are the articles of peace between England and France, providing for a truce of eighteen months.

    (He hands Gloucester a document.)

Gloucester: Yes.  Very good.  (He reads aloud)  “It is agreed between King Charles of France and the Marquis of Suffolk, representing King Henry of England, that King Henry shall marry Lady Margaret, daughter of the Duke of Anjou, who shall become Queen of England.  It is further agreed that the lands of Maine and Anjou–”  (He hesitates, looking stunned) –“shall be–”  (He drops the paper.)

King: What’s the matter, uncle?

Gloucester: Sorry–I–I just feel a little sick all of a sudden.

    (Winchester picks up the paper quite cheerfully and finishes reading it.)

Winchester (Reading): “The lands of Maine and Anjou shall be returned to her father–”

    (York, Salisbury, and Warwick exchange astonished looks.)

Winchester (Reading): “And that Lady Margaret is delivered at England’s expense and with no dowry.”

King: Excellent.  Excellent.–My lord of Suffolk, you deserve a reward for this.  Please kneel before me.

    (Suffolk kneels.  The King taps him on the shoulders with his sword.)

King: You are hereby promoted–to Duke of Suffolk.  Arise.

    (Suffolk rises.)

Suffolk: Thank you, my lord!

King (To the Lords): I thank all of you for your kindness.  And now we will have Margaret formally crowned Queen of England.–Come.

    (Henry, Margaret, and Suffolk go out, but Gloucester signals everyone else to remain.)

Gloucester: Am I fucking dreaming or what?  After all we went through fighting in France, and everything my brother fought for, and all the bullshit we’ve been through trying to control the French–we’re giving back Maine and Anjou?  I can’t believe it!

Winchester: Now, now, my lord, don’t exaggerate.  France is still ours–basically.

Gloucester: Basically not.  Not without Maine and Anjou.

Salisbury: That’s practically all of Normandy.

Warwick: Our soldiers died to win those lands.

    [Author's note: Richard's speech prefix throughout this play will be York, because we will meet his son Richard later.]

York: Duke of Suffolk!–Should be Puke of Suffolk!  This is the worst deal of all time.  We give up key territories and we get a Queen with no dowry.  When did a King of England ever marry a Queen with no dowry?

Gloucester: And we paid all her expenses here, and Suffolk levied a special tax for it.

Winchester: My Lord Gloucester, I think you’re being entirely too critical.  You should be thinking about the King’s happiness.  After all, he’s your nephew.

Gloucester: Don’t give me that bullshit, Winchester.  You engineered this fucking farce–you and Suffolk together.

Winchester: And we’re proud of it.  And you should mind your language.

Gloucester: It’s not my language you don’t like.  It’s me.  You’ve been getting in my way every chance you could.–But I’m not going to stand here and argue about it.  I’ll just say one thing.–This deal means we lose France.  That’s it. 

    (He leaves angrily.)

Winchester: Well, there goes our Lord Protector in one of his snits.

Buckingham: We all knew he wasn’t your friend.

Winchester: He’s not my friend, and he’s not your friend either–or anyone else’s.  He’s only thinking about his own interests–and by that I mean the throne.  As of this moment, who’s next in line after the King?

Buckingham: He is.

Winchester: Exactly.  So don’t let him fool you the way he fools the common people.  Oh, they think he’s just wonderful, don’cha know.  “God bless Humphrey, Duke of Gloucester!  Our hero!”  And he’s still the Lord Protector.

Buckingham: The King’s twenty-three.  He doesn’t need a Protector any more.

Winchester: Exactly right.

Buckingham: I think it’s about time we put him in his proper place.  If we act together, we can do it.  And Suffolk will join us for sure.

Winchester: Now the Duke of Suffolk!  Yeah, he will for sure.  I think I’ll go have a word with him.

    (Winchester leaves.)

Somerset: Buckingham, just slow down for a minute, okay?  Look, I know Gloucester rubs us the wrong way sometimes, but, uh, I gotta say–(He jerks his thumb toward Winchester’s exit)–my uncle, the Cardinal, has his own agenda.  He’s getting old, but he still thinks about advancement–like Lord Protector.  He’s been trying to throw Gloucester under an oxcart ever since Henry the Fifth died.

Buckingham: Yeah, I think you’re right about that.  The Lord Protector should be–a younger fellow!–like you or me, right?  Ha, ha!

Somerset: You got it!–Ha, ha!

    (Buckingham and Somerset leave.  There is a pause as Salisbury, Warwick, and York look at each other seriously.)

Salisbury: I have a good title for that soap opera we just saw–”The Proud and the Ambitious.”

Warwick: You can say that again.

Salisbury: I’m not getting into that sort of thing.  We have to put England first.  We have to do the right thing for the country.

York: Yes.  Absolutely.

Salisbury: Gloucester has always been a good man.  But that Cardinal–God almighty!–he’s the lowest sort of high churchman I’ve ever met. 

Warwick: Yes.

Salisbury: You, my son, are second only to Gloucester in the respect the people have for you.–And you, my lord of York, stand very tall with the people for all your service in France.  The three of us have to use our influence to check the ones who are proud–and I mean Suffolk and Winchester–and the ones who are ambitious–and that’s Somerset and Buckingham.

Warwick: Yes.  For the good of England.

York: Amen to that.

Salisbury: Son, let’s go to the coronation.

    (Salisbury and Warwick leave.  York speaks directly to the audience.)

York: For the good of England–which rightfully belongs to me.  That’s why I’m more pissed off about Maine and Anjou than anyone–even Gloucester.  But I’m going to bide my time.  For the moment, I’ll be like the two Richard Nevilles–Salisbury and Warwick.  I’ll stay friends with Gloucester.  But I can tell things are going to break down around here.  Too many people are out to get Gloucester.  If anything happens to him, the Lancasters’ days are numbered, because Gloucester’s the only bit of glue that’s keeping their straw house from collapsing.  Henry doesn’t know what’s happening half the time.  He’s in a bubble.  I’m just going to wait for my opportunity, and then I’ll make my move for the throne–which the Lancasters stole from my mother’s people, the Mortimers.  And then England will get the strong King it deserves.  England will be ruled by the House of York.

    (He leaves.)

    [Author's note: York's claim to the throne was based on his father's marriage to Anne Mortimer, the sister of Edmund Mortimer, who should have been King after Richard II.  For a more detailed explanation, see the previous play in this series, Henry VI, Part One (Act 2, Scene 4).]

Act 1, Scene 2.  The Duke of Gloucester’s house in London.  Gloucester comes in with his wife, Eleanor, the Duchess.

Duchess: You’re distracted today, Humphrey.  What’s the matter?

    (He shrugs as if he doesn’t want to talk about it.)

Duchess: Maybe it’s the King.  We all know he’s weak.  He’s not like your brother–or you.–Perhaps you’re thinking about the crown.  You could have it if you wanted it.  I’d help you.

Gloucester: I don’t want to hear that kind of talk, Eleanor.  Do you think I’d overthrow my own nephew?  I wouldn’t do that.–Anyway, that’s not why I’m distracted.

Duchess: Then what is it?

Gloucester: I had a dream.

Duchess: About what?

Gloucester: I dreamed that someone broke my official staff in two.  It might have been Winchester.  And on the two broken ends were the heads of Somerset and Suffolk.  What it means, I have no idea.

Duchess: Oh, it’s nothing.  It only means that whoever tries to do you harm will be punished for it.  That’s obvious enough.–But I had a dream, too.  I dreamed that I was in Westminster Abbey.  And I was wearing the Queen’s crown.  And Henry and Margaret were kneeling before me.

Gloucester: That’s a terrible dream!  You should be ashamed!  You’re the second-highest ranking woman in the Kingdom.  Isn’t that enough for you?

Duchess: I think it’s normal for people to–look upward, shall we say.

Gloucester: What do you want to do, disgrace me?  Do you want people to think I’m after the throne?  I never want to hear another word about it!

Duchess: Well–if that’s the scolding I get just for relating a dream, I’ll just keep them to myself from now on.

Gloucester: Ohh–I’m sorry.

    (A Messenger comes in.)

Messenger: My lord, the King and Queen are going hunting at Saint Albans, and he wants you to join them.

Gloucester: Yes.  All right.–Eleanor, want to come along?

Duchess: Yes.  I don’t mind.  But you go on, and I’ll catch up with you.

Gloucester: All right.

    (Gloucester and the Messenger leave.  She makes sure he’s gone, then calls offstage.)

Duchess: Sir John!  Are you there?  We’re alone.

    (Sir John Hume, a priest, comes in.  [Author's note: "Sir" was a form of address commonly used with priests.]  Hume comes in, smiling.)

Hume: God save your Highness!

Duchess: Highness?  I’m not the Queen.  I’m only a duchess.

Hume: That could change.

Duchess: So!  Have you been to see them?

Hume (Teasingly): Who, madam?

Duchess: You know–the sorcerers–Margery Jordan and Roger Bolingbroke.

Hume: Ah–yes.  I have. 

Duchess: And?  Will they help me?

Hume: Yes.  They’ve promised to conjure up a spirit who will answer all your questions.

Duchess: Good!  I’ll think about what I want to ask, and when I get back from Saint Albans, we’ll arrange a meeting.–Here.  This is a little something for you.  (She gives him some money.)

Hume: You are very kind, madam.

Duchess: Now I must go.

    (She leaves.)

Hume: Pretty good.  I get money from the Duchess to introduce her to sorcerers.  And I get money from Winchester and Suffolk to encourage the Duchess’s morbid interest in sorcery.  Of course, sorcery is illegal.  The Duchess will end up in big trouble, and Gloucester’s reputation will be shot.  Personally, I have no interest in politics.  I just like money.

    (He leaves.)

Act 1, Scene 3.  Outside the King’s palace in London.  Three Petitioners come in, including Peter.  [Author's note: In this context, a petitioner is someone with a request, complaint, or appeal of any sort, to be delivered to the King.  The petition would be in writing and would be rolled up like a scroll.  A similar scene occurs in Julius Caesar.] 

First Pet: We’ll all wait together for the Duke of Gloucester to show up, and then we’ll give him our petitions.

Second Pet: Yes, yes.  He’s a good man.  He’s fair.

Peter: That he is.  Any problem or complaint, you can always bring it to him, and he’ll do the right thing.

    (Suffolk and Queen Margaret come in.)

First Pet: Here he is.

Second Pet: No–wait.  That’s not Gloucester.  That’s Suffolk

Suffolk: What do we have here–petitions?

First Pet: We were waiting for the Lord Protector, sir.

Queen (Surprised): You’re bringing petitions to Lord Gloucester?

First Pet: Yes, madam.

Queen: What’s yours about?

First Pet: I have a complaint against John Goodman, the Cardinal’s man, for keeping my house and my lands and my wife from me.

Suffolk (Condecendingly): Well, well!–That would be annoying, wouldn’t it?  (To the Second Petitioner) And what’s your problem?

Second Pet: Em–

    (Suffolk snatches the petition and reads it.)

Suffolk (Reading): “Against the Duke of Suffolk for putting a fence around the picnic ground at Melford.”  (With exaggerated severity) What do you mean by this, you troublemaker!

Second Pet: Please, sir–it’s from the township.  I’m only delivering it for them.

Suffolk (To Peter): And what’s your calamity?

Peter: My lord, it’s a complaint against my master, Thomas Horner, armourer to the Duke of York.  Thomas Horner said that the Duke of York was the rightful heir to the throne, and that King Henry was a usurper.

Queen: What!

    (Suffolk is grim.  He beckons to a Servant offstage.  The Servant comes in.)

Suffolk (To the Servant): Take this man in to see the King and send a messenger for Thomas Horner at the Duke of York’s.

Servant: Yes, my lord.

    (The Servant leaves with Peter.)

Queen: As for you two, if you have petitions–(She grabs the petitions and tears them up)–address them to the King, not to the Lord Protector.

Petitioners (Meekly): Yes, madam.

    (The Petitioners leave.)

Queen: Is this the way you do things here in England?  Who’s in charge around here–the King or the Duke of Gloucester?  

Suffolk: Ah, well, heh, heh–You hit the nail on the head, madam.  The King wears the crown, but his Uncle Humphrey is the one who does the real managing.

Queen (Flirtatiously): You know, Suffolk, you made quite an impression in France.  All the ladies thought you were very handsome.  And I simply assumed the King would be more or less like you.  But I was mistaken.  He’s not the sort of man a woman can get excited about.  Oh, he’s a nice man, of course.  But he’s more interested in his Bible and his books than anything else.  He’s more cut out to be a Pope than a king.

Suffolk: Be patient, madam.  Remember when I first arranged your marriage to the King?  I promised you I’d be your friend and confidant.

Queen: Which I’ve always appreciated.

Suffolk: Trust me, madam.  Everything will work out for you.

Queen: You’re the only one I do trust.  Everyone else I find insufferable.  Not just Gloucester, but that nasty Cardinal, and his nephew Somerset, and Buckingham, and York.  They all seem to have more say about everything than the King does.

Suffolk: They’re minor annoyances compared to the Nevilles–Salisbury and Warwick.  Those two I’d keep my eye on.  [Author's note: The Nevilles were on the Lancaster branch of the family tree but were descended from John of Gaunt's second wife, Catherine.  So they were half-cousins to King Henry.]

Queen: Well, the one I really hate the most is Gloucester’s wife, Eleanor. She acts like she’s the queen bee.  And she looks down on me because my father was broke until I married Henry.

Suffolk: Don’t worry about the Duchess.  She’s about to get her wings clipped.

Queen: Oh?

Suffolk: Like I said–trust me.  And as for York, this petition about his armourer is going to put him under a dark cloud.  You just wait, madam.  One by one, we’ll get rid of all the people you hate, and you’ll have all the power you want.

    (A trumpet flourish.  King Henry comes in with York and Somerset, the three of them in close conversation; also Gloucester, Eleanor, Buckingham, Salisbury, Warwick, and Winchester.)

King (To York and Somerset): Really, it doesn’t matter to me which of you is Regent of France.

York: If you don’t think I did a good job before in France, don’t pick me.

Somerset: If you think York deserves it more than I do, pick him, by all means.

Warwick (To Somerset): He does deserve it more.

Winchester (To Warwick): That’s for your superiors to judge.

Warwick: You’re not my superior on the battlefield.

Buckingham: Everyone here is above you, Warwick.

Warwick: That could change.  Just wait.

Salisbury (To Warwick): Save it.  (To Winchester) And just why do you think Somerset should be Regent of  France?

Queen: Because the King will choose him, that’s why.

Gloucester: The King’s old enough to speak for himself.

Queen: Then he doesn’t need a Protector, does he?

Gloucester: He can let me go if he wants to.

Suffolk: Why don’t you just do us all a favour and resign, Gloucester?  I don’t see that you’ve done any good anyway.  The French have more power now than they did before.  And you step on people as if you were King.

Winchester (To Gloucester): And you’ve taxed the people too much, and you take too much from the church.

Somerset: You live too high, Gloucester.  You cost the country too much.

Buckingham: And you’ve exceeded your powers in punishing people.

Queen: And I’ve heard that you sell positions in France.

    (Gloucester stalks out angrily.  Then the Queen drops her glove in front of Eleanor, the Duchess.)

Queen (Rudely): Would you pick that up for me, please?

    (The Duchess gives her a flash of indignation, then leans down to pick up the glove.  The Queen then hits the Duchess on the head and pretends it was an accident.)

Queen: Oh!  How clumsy of me!  Did I hurt you?

Duchess (Through clenched teeth): You French bitch.  I ought to claw your eyes out.

King: Auntie!–Please.  She didn’t mean it.

Duchess: Nephew, open your eyes.  She’s got you dangling on a string.  You don’t know what’s what any more.  (To the Queen) Nobody strikes the Duchess of Gloucester and gets away with it.

    (The Duchess leaves in anger.)

Buckingham (Aside to Winchester): I’ll just keep an eye on her.

    (Buckingham goes out.  Then Gloucester returns, more composed.)

Gloucester: Now that I’m calm, perhaps we can get down to business.  And as for your various criticisms and accusations, if you can prove them, I will submit to the laws of the land.  But God knows I’m true to my King and my country.  (To the King) As to the Regent of France, York is the most suitable.

Suffolk: Hold on.  Before we decide that, I have a good reason why York shouldn’t be Regent.

York: Yeah.  For one thing, I won’t kiss your ass and tell you how brilliant you are.  And for another thing, if I got the job, it would turn out just like last time, when Somerset did everything he could to undermine me.  He’d do it again, and the French would be the beneficiaries. 

Warwick: Damn straight.

Suffolk: Shut up.

Warwick: Why should I?

    (Guards come in with Thomas Horner and Peter.)

Suffolk: This is why.–This is York’s armourer.  He’s accused of treason.  And as for York, he may have some explaining to do.

York: Hey, what is this?

King: What’s this all about, Suffolk?

Suffolk: Your Majesty, this guy (Pointing to Peter) says that this guy (Pointing to Horner) said–that York is the rightful heir to the throne and your Majesty is a usurper.

King (To Horner): Did you say that?

Horner: I swear to your Majesty I never said any such thing. 

Peter: I swear on me mother’s grave, sir, he did say it–one evening when we were in the armoury polishing my lordship’s armour.

York (To Horner): You’ll hang for this!  (To the King) Hang him, my lord.

Horner (To the King): Peter’s lying, my lord.  He’s a bad guy.  Always was.

King (To Gloucester): I don’t know who to believe.  What should we do?

Gloucester: Well, first thing–we can’t send York to France as Regent.  We’ll have to send Somerset.  And as for these two (Indicating Horner and Peter) let them duel it out, since they’re accusing each other.

King: Yes, I suppose that’s reasonable.–Somerset, I appoint you Regent of France.

Somerset: Thank you, your Majesty.

King: And these two fellows will settle their dispute by combat.

Horner: That’s fine with me, my lord.

Peter (To Gloucester): Oh, no, my lord!  I can’t do combat!  I don’t know how!  And I have an awful pain in me elbow–since yesterday, sir!  And I get migraines and–

Gloucester: Well, you can have a migraine and a sore elbow, or you can be hanged–one or the other.

Peter: Oh, have pity, sir!

King: I rely on my uncle’s advice, as always.  These two will sit in prison until their day of combat, which will be the end of next month.–My cousin of Somerset, we’ll see you off.–Come.

    (They all leave.)

Act 1, Scene 4.  Evening in the garden of the Duke of Gloucester.  At the rear of the stage there is an elevated platform, partially screened, something like a tree house.  The witch Margery Jordan and the conjurer Roger Bolingbroke come in with the priests John Hume and John Southwell.

Hume: The Duchess is expecting to see something, so you’d better put on a good show.

Bolingbroke: We will, don’t worry.  Why don’t you take her up there (Indicating the platform) and let her watch.

Hume: Right.

    (Hume leaves.)

Bolingbroke: Okay.–Margery, you lie on the ground, and the spirit will speak through you.–Southwell, you’ll copy down the answers.

    (Jordan lies down.  Then the Duchess appears on the platform with Hume.)

Duchess (To Bolingbroke, in a loud whisper): Are you going to conjure up the spirit now?

Bolingbroke: Yes, madam.  Leave it to us.  We know what we’re doing.

    (Bolingbroke now goes through some preliminary actions just for effect–waving a wand, or speaking incantations, or sprinkling powder, etc.  There is some lightning and thunder.)

Bolingbroke: I call to the spirit Ashmenaga!–Ashmenaga!

Jordan: This is Ashmenaga.  Ask me any question.

Bolingbroke: What is the fortune of the King?

Jordan: There is a Duke–who lives–and he shall depose Henry–or be removed by Henry–and one shall outlive the other–and die a violent death.

    (Southwell is writing down the answers.)

Bolingbroke: What is the fortune of the Duke of Suffolk?

Jordan: He shall die at sea.

Bolingbroke: And what about the Duke of Somerset?

Jordan: He should avoid castles.–That is all.  I will say no more.

Bolingbroke: Then return to hell, thou spirit Ashme–(He’s forgotten the spirit’s name)–Ashme–Ashmegaly!

    (More lightning and thunder.  Then the Duke of York, Duke of Buckingham, and Guards, including Sir Humphrey Stafford, come in.)

York (To the Guards): Grab these people!  They’re under arrest for practising sorcery.  (To the Duchess, above) Dabbling in the occult, are you, madam?  Wait till the King finds out–and your husband.

Duchess: Oh!  What kind of trick is this!  How dare you accuse me!

York: You’d best come down–with your friend.

    (The Duchess and Hume descend.  Buckingham takes the paper from Southwell and looks it over quickly.)

Buckingham (To York): This is evidence.  (To the Guards) Lock these people up.  (To the Duchess) You’re coming with us, madam.  (To Stafford) Stafford, you take charge of her.

    (All leave, except York and Buckingham.)

York: Good job, Buckingham.  The King will get a report on this, and Gloucester will probably be standing there when he gets it–ha!

Buckingham: Let me be the one to take it to him.

York: Sure thing.

Buckingham: Thank you! 

    (Buckingham leaves.  [Author's note: Despite the impression given by this scene, Buckingham was to remain loyal to the Lancasters during the Wars of the Roses, as the rest of the play will demonstrate.])

York (Calling): Yo!–Servant!

    (A Servant appears.)

Servant: My lord of York.  Yes, sir?

York: Tell Lord Salisbury and Lord Warwick that they’re invited to dinner at my place tomorrow night.

Servant: Yes, my lord.

    (They leave separately.)

Act 2, Scene 1.  Hunting grounds at Saint Albans.  King Henry, Queen Margaret, Gloucester, Winchester, and Suffolk come in, with one or two Falconers holding falcons.

King: I say, this is a lot of fun, hunting with falcons.–Margaret, do they do this in France?

Queen: Yes, but mainly to keep down the pigeon population.  You have too many pigeons in England.  I don’t know why you tolerate them.

King: Ah, but the pigeon is so much like the dove.  And the dove is the bird of peace.

Gloucester (Ironically): Just like our Lord Cardinal of Winchester–a bird of peace.

Winchester: Your falcon is particularly aggressive, Gloucester.  You must have trained him yourself.

Gloucester: I’m a true sportsman, sir.  I love to compete, but I always play fair.

Winchester: As long as you win.  For me, the greatest rewards are in heaven.  For you, they are on earth.

Gloucester: Meaning what, precisely?

Winchester: I mean the crown, of course.  Perhaps your falcon will seize that next.

Gloucester: Certain species of snakes spit their poison.  Are you related to any of them?

Suffolk: Perhaps the truth seems like poison to our Lord Protector.

Gloucester: You should know your place, Suffolk.

Queen: And you should know yours, Gloucester.

King: Please, my dear.  You know how quarrels upset me.  I just want all the nobles to be at peace.  We should all be peacemakers, like our Lord and Saviour.

Winchester: Indeed, my lord.  I’m always ready to make peace.

    (He puts his hand on his sword for Gloucester’s benefit.  The two of them edge closer to each other to speak privately.)

Winchester: Shall I make my peace with our Lord Protector?

Gloucester: Any time, anywhere.

Winchester: Tonight.  The east side of the grove.  Just you and me.

Gloucester: I’ll be there.

King: Uncle, what are you talking about?

Gloucester: Hunting with falcons, my lord.

Winchester: Yes, my lord.

King: All right.  As long as everyone is getting along.  That’s all I care about.

    (Shouting is heard offstage: “It’s a miracle!  It’s a miracle!”  Citizens come in, carrying Simon Simpcox in a chair, plus the Mayor and Simpcox’s Wife.)

Citizen: A miracle, my lords!  A miracle!

Suffolk: What miracle?  What are you talking about?

Citizen: This man was blind until a half hour ago.  He got his sight at Saint Alban’s shrine.

King: Praise God!  I want to hear all about it!

    (The Citizens place Simpcox’s chair before the King.)

King: What is your name, sir?

Simpcox: Simon Simpcox, my lord.

King: Tell me about your miracle.

Simpcox: I was born blind, my lord.  But now I can see.

Simpcox’s Wife: I can vouch for that, my lord.  He’s been blind since birth.

Gloucester: Who are you?

Simpcox’s Wife: His wife, sir.

Gloucester: And you’ve known him since birth, have you?

Queen (To Simpcox): And why did you come to Saint Albans, Simpcox?

Simpcox: Saint Alban himself called to me in my sleep, madam.  He said, “Simon Simpcox, come to my shrine and I will help you.”

Simpcox’s Wife: Yes, yes, it’s true!  I heard the voice myself!

Winchester: Why are you being carried?  Can’t you walk?

Simpcox: I am lame, sir.

Suffolk: Since birth?

Simpcox: No, sir.  I fell from a tree.

Simpcox’s Wife: A plum tree, it was.

Gloucester: You were blind, but you were climbing a tree? 

Simpcox: Yes, sir.  It was a long time ago.  I wanted to get some plums for my wife.  She’s very fond of plums.

Gloucester: I see.  Now, then, Simpcox, let me see your eyes.

    (Gloucester examines Simpcox’s eyes.  Then he points to articles of his own clothing.)

Gloucester: What colour is this?

Simpcox: Red–cranberry red.

Gloucester: And this?

Simpcox: Forest green.

Gloucester: And this?

Simpcox: Golden yellow.

Gloucester: And this?

Simpcox: Coal black.

Gloucester: Now tell me, Simpcox.  If you only just got your sight for the first time a half hour ago, how is it that you know the names of colours so specifically?

Simpcox: Em–well–

Simpcox’s Wife: It’s a miracle, my lord!

Gloucester: Indeed.  Perhaps Saint Alban will cure your husband’s lameness as well.  Shall we find out?

Simpcox: Oh!

Gloucester (To the Citizens): Who’s got a whip?

    (A Citizen gives him a whip.)

Gloucester (To the Mayor): Let me borrow your hat, my Lord Mayor.

    (He takes the Mayor’s hat and puts it on the ground before Simpcox.)

Gloucester (To Simpcox): Stand up.

    (Two Citizens help Simpcox stand up.)

Gloucester: Now, Simpcox–jump over the Mayor’s hat, or I’ll give you a good whipping.

Simpcox: Oh, but sir!  Believe me, I’m lame.  I came here for charity, you see.

Citizens: He’s a fake!  Whip him!

    (Gloucester whips Simpcox, who runs out screaming.  The Citizens laugh and shout “A miracle!  A miracle!”)

King: Tsk! Tsk!–Shameful!  Such dishonesty!

Gloucester (Giving the Mayor his hat back): My Lord Mayor, I suggest you run Simpcox and his wife out of town immediately.

Simpcox’s Wife: I’m sorry, sir.  We just needed the money, that’s all.

    (The Mayor and Citizens take Simpcox’s Wife and leave.)

Winchester: The Duke of Gloucester has performed a miracle.

Suffolk: Yes.  He made the lame fly away–like that!  (Snaps his fingers.)

Gloucester (Contemptuously): That’s nothing compared to you two.  You made Maine and Anjou fly away–like that!  (Snaps his fingers.)

    (Buckingham comes in.)

King: My cousin of Buckingham–what a surprise!

Buckingham: My lord, I’m sorry, but I have some rather upsetting news.

King: Oh?  What is it?

Buckingham: It concerns the Duchess of Gloucester.

Gloucester: My wife?  What about her?

Buckingham: Well, it seems that Lady Eleanor was caught with some other people engaging in witchcraft.

Others: What!

Buckingham: Specifically, she was seeking to learn information from a demonic spirit concerning your Majesty and certain other lords–how they would die, and so on.

Winchester (Aside to Gloucester): I guess I won’t be seeing you tonight. 

    (Gloucester is too shocked to reply.)

King: This is terrible!–Uncle, can you explain this?

Gloucester: No, my lord.  I’m totally at a loss.–I hope to God it isn’t true.  If it is, I’m through with her, and let the law deal with her.

King: Dear, dear, dear!–Well–we’ll stay here tonight.  Tomorrow we’ll go back to London and try to get to the bottom of this.  Whatever the truth is, we’ll find it out and–I suppose–we’ll just have to deal with it.

    (They all leave.)

Act 2, Scene 2.  London.  The Duke of York’s garden.  York comes in with Salisbury and Warwick.  [Author's note: Salisbury and Warwick already know the family history that York relates to them, but Shakespeare has to make it clear to the audience.]

York: I want to explain my  claim to the throne.  I want you to understand, because I want you on my side.

Warwick: Cousin, if your claim is valid, we’ll stand by you.  [Author's note: In Shakespeare, the term "cousin" in used loosely.  York is Salsibury's brother-in-law, and Warwick is Salisbury's son.]

Salisbury: Yes.

York: Let’s start with Edward the Third.  We’re all on his tree.  There were five sons that lived to adulthood.  In order–Edward the Black Prince, Lionel of Antwerp, John of Gaunt, Edmund of Langley, and Thomas of Woodstock.  The Black Prince died before Edward the King, so when Edward died, the crown passed to the Prince’s son, who was Richard the Second.  He was the last person on that branch of the tree.  After him, the crown should have passed to Lionel’s branch–specifically, to Edmund Mortimer.  But Henry Bolingbroke, Gaunt’s son, overthrew Richard and stole the crown, and Richard died in prison.  Bolingbroke was Henry the Fourth, the first King of the House of Lancaster.  Then Henry the Fifth, and now Henry the Sixth.  My father, the Earl of Cambridge, married Anne Mortimer, Edmund’s sister–my mother.  That puts me on Lionel’s branch of the tree–ahead of the the Lancasters.  Edmund made me his heir before he died.  So I have every right to claim the throne.  Do you see?

Warwick (To Salisbury): He’s right, father.

Salisbury: Yes.  I agree.–Richard, you are the rightful King of England.  I’ll stand by you all the way.  I swear it.

Warwick: So will I.

    (They shake hands solemnly.)

York: I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Of course, I’m not King yet.  The Lancasters won’t be overthrown without a fight, and I’m not ready for that yet.  For the time being, we have to keep our intentions secret and be patient and wait for the right opportunity.  Gloucester’s the main obstacle, but I think he’ll be out of our way before long.  As for everyone else, I expect they’ll destroy each other trying to replace him.  We’ll just stand back and watch.  And Henry’s not a problem.  He’s weak.  Margaret has more guts than he does. 

Salisbury: You’re right about that.

Warwick: We’ll put you on the throne, cousin.  You can count on it.

York: And you can count on big rewards when that day comes.

    (They leave.)

Act 2, Scene 3.  A courtroom.  The King, Queen, Gloucester, Suffolk, Buckingham, and Winchester come in first, followed by the Duchess of Gloucester, Margery Jordan, Southwell, Hume, and Bolingbroke, with Guards; finally, Richard, Salisbury, and Warwick.

King: Duchess of Gloucester.

    (She steps forward.)

King: Dame Eleanor Cobham–I am greatly saddened that my own aunt would be involved with witchcraft.  This is a serious crime.–You four–Jordan, Southwell, Hume, and Bolingbroke–I sentence you to death.–To you, madam, I show mercy.  You will do three days of penance in public.  After that, you will be banished to the Isle of Man, in the custody of Sir John Stanley.  (To the Guards) Take them away.

    (All the guilty are taken out.)

King (To Gloucester): I’m sorry, uncle.

Gloucester: The sentence is fair, my lord.  What hurts me most is to be dishonoured in my old age.–May I be excused?

King: Yes, uncle.  Just leave your official staff.  (York, Salisbury, and Warwick flash a wink at each other.)  I don’t need you to be my Protector any more.  But, of course, I still love you as my uncle.

Queen (Harshly): The King’s a grown man, Gloucester.  Just leave the staff.

Gloucester (To Henry): Your father gave this to me, not as an instrument of power, but as a symbol of trust, honour, and responsibility.  I only hope that the hands that hold it next treat it the same way.

    (Gloucester puts the staff down in front of Henry and leaves.  Margaret picks it up, admires it briefly, and hands it to the King.)

Suffolk (Aside): How the mighty have fallen.

York: Let’s move on.  (To the King) Your Majesty, today’s the day that Horner and Peter have to do their combat.

Queen: Oh, goody!  I’ve been waiting for this.

King: It’s a sad thing, but it must be done–although I do hate violence.–Everyone make space for the combatants.–I believe they’re fighting with staves.  Is that right, my lord of York?

York: Yes, my lord.

    (The stage is cleared.  York signals, and the combatants are brought in–first Horner and a few of his friends, then Peter and a few of his friends.  They are both carrying staves.  Horner is drunk and looking confident, and his friends are giving him more wine.  Peter is terrified and does not accept the wine his friends are offering him.)

Friends of Horner: Have another drink–ha, ha!

Horner: Thank you, thank you, thank you!  I’ll be pissing it out later on Peter’s body–ha!

Peter: Oh, God save me!

Friends of Peter: Take a drink.  It’ll give you courage.

Peter: No, no.  I’m too nauseous.

Salisbury: Enough drinking.  Let’s get on with it.–You–what’s your name?

Peter: Peter.

Salisbury: Peter what?

Peter: Thump.

Salisbury: Thump?

Horner: As in–thump!  (He makes a gesture with his stave, as if striking Peter on the head.  Horner’s friends laugh.)

Salisbury: And your name is?

Horner: Thomas Horner–hic!–And I’ll punish this bastard for his false and dirty lies against me!

    (Salisbury positions Horner and Peter for combat and then steps back.)

Salisbury: Fight!

    (Horner and Peter fight.  Horner is clumsy and chases Peter.  Their friends are cheering them.  Peter strikes a lucky blow to Horner’s head.  Horner falls.)

Horner (Dying): I–confess–treason–God forgive me–

    (He dies.)

York: Well done, Peter.  Never drink and duel, eh?–Ha, ha!

Peter (Looking up): Thank you, God!

King: Well, that settles the matter.  God always protects the innocent.  Horner was guilty of treason and Peter was telling the truth.  (To Peter)  Come with us, Peter, and we’ll give you a little reward.

Peter: Oh, thank you, sir!

    (All leave, some carrying Horner’s body.)

Act 2, Scene 4.  A London street.  Gloucester is pacing back and forth slowly.  He is dressed in black.  The Duchess comes in, barefoot, dressed in sackcloth, and carrying a candle.  She is escorted by the Sheriff and Officers, plus Sir John Stanley.  [Author's note: A mistake by Shakespeare.  It would have been Sir Thomas Stanley.]

Gloucester: Eleanor!

Duchess: Look at me now, Humphrey.  Everyone jeers at me.  I wish I were dead.

Gloucester: I don’t know what to say.  My heart is broken.

Duchess: You shouldn’t have come out here to meet me.  My disgrace touches you, too.

Gloucester: Try not to think about it.

Duchess: What else can I think about?  After such a humiliation, there’s nothing to look forward to except death.  But you, Humphrey–you must think about your own safety.  You have enemies.

Gloucester: Oh, you mean Winchester?  Never mind about him.

Duchess: Not just Winchester.–Suffolk–York–even the Queen.  They’re out to get you.

Gloucester: I’ve never done anything wrong.  Why should I worry?

Duchess: That doesn’t matter.  They’ll resort to anything to get rid of you.  You must be careful of them.

Gloucester: Don’t worry about me.  You just try to take one day at a time.  The worst will be over soon enough.  I want you to be strong.

    (A Herald comes in.)

Herald: My lord of Gloucester, you are summoned to his Majesty’s Parliament, to be held at Bury Saint Edmunds on the first of next month.

Gloucester: Parliament?  Nobody told me about any Parliament.–All right, never mind.  I’ll be there.  [Author's note: This Parliament is a King's assembly, not the sort of Parliament we think of today.]

    (The Herald leaves.)

Gloucester (To the Sheriff): Sheriff, don’t keep her out here any longer than she’s supposed to be.

Sheriff: I’m finished with her, sir.  Sir John Stanley is in charge of her now.

Gloucester (To Stanley): I expect you to be kind to her.

Stanley: She’ll be just fine, sir.  I promise you.

    (Gloucester, holding back tears, gives his wife a hug and leaves quickly.)

Duchess (After his departure): Goodbye.

Sheriff: Madam, I leave you now.  I hope you aren’t angry with me.

Duchess: No, Sheriff.  You have done you duty.  Goodbye.

Sheriff: Good luck, madam.

    (The Sheriff leaves with his Officers. Stanley  takes the candle from her, blows it out, and throws it away.)

Stanley: Madam, you can change into proper clothes now, and we’ll be on our way to the Isle of Man.

Duchess: Yes, Stanley.  I’ve always wanted to visit the Isle of Man.  They say it’s very nice this time of year.

    (They leave.)   

Act 3, Scene 1.  The Abbey at Bury Saint Edmunds.  A trumpet flourish.  The King, Queen, Cardinal of Winchester, Suffolk, York, Buckingham, Salisbury, Warwick, and Attendants come in to the Parliament.

King: Gloucester’s not here?  It’s not like him to be late.

Queen: He’s become rather surly of late.  I’d be careful of him if I were you.  After all, he’s next in line to the throne.  You should regard him as a threat.–Am I right, Suffolk?

Suffolk: I agree with you, madam.  And I think he put his wife up to that witchcraft business because he wanted to learn anything he could that would be to his advantage.  There’s a lot more to him than meets the eye.

King: Oh, I don’t think so.

Winchester: He’s punished people very harshly for small offenses.  God knows what he would do if he ever became King.

York: He collected a lot of tax money to pay for our soldiers in France, and a lot of it has never been accounted for. 

Buckingham: And those are just the things we know about.  Imagine what things we don’t know about.

Winchester (To the King): My lord, we only bring these matters up out of concern for you.

King: I appreciate that, of course–all of you.  But I really don’t think my uncle has done anything bad.  He’s not capable of any sort of wickedness.  He’s always been kind to me, and very helpful.

Queen: It’s all a facade.  It’s his way of duping people.  And he’s good at it.  The commoners all love him because they’re too simple-minded to see below the surface.

    (Somerset comes in.)

Somerset: Your Majesty.

King: Cousin of Somerset.  What’s the news from France?

Somerset: It’s bad, my lord.  (He hesitates.) We’ve lost all our territories to the French.

    (The King is momentarily silent.  He looks weak and confused.)

King: I can only think–that it must be God’s will.

York (Aside to the audience): Fucking hell.   Those are my territories.–And he’s a fucking wimp.

    (Gloucester comes in.)

Gloucester: I’m sorry I’m late, my lord.

King: I’m glad you’re here, uncle.–Em–there’s been some talk–em–it’s–how shall I put it?–em–

Suffolk: Gloucester, you’re under arrest for treason.

Gloucester: What!  What are you talking about–treason!  That’s ridiculous!

York: My Lord Gloucester, it appears that you’ve held back certain funds that were meant to pay our soldiers in France–and that’s why we’ve lost our territories.

Gloucester: Oh, really!  Well, it so happens that I spent my own money to help pay the soldiers in France so that we wouldn’t have to tax the people.

Winchester: That’s just what I’d expect you to say.

York: And furthermore, you’ve inflicted cruel and unusual punishment, which is a disgrace to the country. 

Gloucester: I’ve done no such thing.  I’ve never been cruel to anyone.  I’ve dealt with murderers harshly, but they deserved it.

Suffolk: There are other things that I don’t think you can explain away so easily, so consider yourself arrested.  The Lord Cardinal will take charge of you until your trial.

    (Gloucester looks at all of them silently for a moment, while King Henry looks helpless.)

Gloucester (To the King): What a bad time to be a King–to be surrounded by villains like these.  If England could be saved by my death, I’d die gladly.  But my death–if that’s what awaits me–will only be the beginning.  Ambition and wickedness feed together, and their stomachs are never satisfied.  (To the Queen) And you, madam, have been in on this all along.  My wife tried to warn me about you.  I’m sure you’ll have no trouble packing the court with false witnesses against me.

Winchester (To the King): Listen to him–the way he attacks those who are thinking only of your well-being.

Suffolk (To the King): The Queen herself, my lord–the noblest lady in England!

Queen: Thank you, Suffolk.  You are gallant.

Buckingham (To the King): Don’t believe what Gloucester says, my lord.  He’s trapped, and he knows it.

Winchester (To the Attendants): Escort the Duke of Gloucester to a cell.

Gloucester (To the King): I’m not afraid for myself, my lord.  I’m afraid for you.

King: Uncle–I–I just–I don’t know what to think.

Suffolk: My lord, can all of us be wrong?  We are all men of experience, and we agree.

Queen: Yes, my lord.  Think.

King: I’m trying to.

    (Winchester nods to the Attendants, and they take Gloucester out.)

King (Calling after Gloucester): I’m sorry!–Margaret, I love my uncle.  I just can’t believe–

    (He looks at the Lords, but they are all stone-faced.  Margaret is the coldest of all.  The suggestion to the audience is that she controls him.)

Queen: You should lie down and rest, my lord.

    (The King leaves, with Salisbury and Warwick following.)

Queen: The King is too close to his uncle to see him as we do.

Winchester: Quite so, madam.

Queen: It would be best if Gloucester were–out of the picture–if you gather my meaning.

Winchester: I do, madam.  But it should be done through the legal process.  We have to think of how the people will take it.

Suffolk: What if the legal process is–unsuccessful?  The  King still loves Gloucester.  The people still love him.  And as far as real evidence goes–well-what is there?

York: So what are you saying?  You don’t want him to die?

Suffolk: Of course, I do.  I just don’t see any point in being all fussy and legal about it.  If you want to get rid of him, get rid of him.  After all, it’s for the King’s own good, right?

Queen: Yes.  Suffolk’s right.

Suffolk: I don’t mind doing it.  Just say the word.

Winchester: No, no.  Leave it to me.

York: We’re doing the right thing.  And never mind what the people think.  They’ll believe what we tell them.

    (A Messenger comes in.)

Messenger: My lords, there’s a rebellion in Ireland.  They’re killing English people.

Winchester (Looking at York):  Someone will have to go.

York (Sarcastically): I know just the man–Somerset.  He did such a great job in France.

Somerset: Shut up.

Winchester (To York): No, you go.  You’ll take an army and suppress the rebellion.

York: Ah, but only the King can give me that kind of order.

Suffolk: He’ll agree to it.  We’ll explain it to him.

Queen: Yes.  Don’t worry about the King.

Suffolk: I’ll organize an army right away.

York: Fine.  And I trust Gloucester won’t be around when I get back.

Winchester: He’ll be in (Smiling)–a better place, as we say.–It’s late.  The King’s Parliament is adjourned.

    (Everyone leaves except York, who lingers.)

York (To the audience): This is the chance I’ve been waiting for.  I’m getting an army, and I can be out of the country for a while.  But before I leave, I’m going to arrange something with a friend of mine.  His name is Jack Cade.  He’s a mean son of a bitch.  And he loves me.  He’d do anything for me.  And get this: he’s practically a dead ringer for John Mortimer.  You remember the Mortimers–my mother’s people.  My link to the throne.  I’ll have Cade pass himself off as John Mortimer–even though John Mortimer’s dead.  Doesn’t matter.  I’ll have him claim the throne and stir up a rebellion–just to see if there’s any sympathy for the Yorks.  If there is, I’ll make my move and topple King Henry, and I’ll have an army to back me up.  And if Cade fails, that’s okay, too.  He’ll never rat me out as the instigator, and I can make other plans.

    (He leaves.)

Act 3, Scene 2.  The palace at Bury Saint Edmunds.  Suffolk comes in furtively and meets the two Murderers coming in from the other side, which is Gloucester’s room.  They speak softly.

Suffolk: Is it done?

First Murderer: It’s done, sir.  He’s dead.  In his bed.

Suffolk: Good.  Did he struggle?

Second Murderer: He did, sir.  It took all our strength to smother him.  We were careful not to leave any marks on him, like you said.

Suffolk: Good.  Both of you go to my house and wait for me.  I’ll give you your money.

First Murderer: Yes, sir.  Thank you, sir.

    (The Murderers leave.  Then the King, Queen, Winchester, Somerset, and Attendants come in.)

King (To Suffolk): Would you see if Gloucester is awake yet?  It’s time for his trial.

Suffolk: I’ll check, my lord.

    (Suffolk leaves.)

King: This is going to be a fair trial.  I want that understood.

Queen: Of course.  We wouldn’t have it any other way.  And I do hope he can be exonerated.

    (Suffolk returns, pretending to be shocked.)

King: Suffolk, what’s the matter?

Suffolk: My lord–he’s–dead!

Queen (Pretending to be shocked): Oh, no!

Winchester: It must be God’s judgment.

    (The King faints.)

Queen: Oh!–My lord!

Somerset: Oh, dear!

    (Somerset and the Queen try to revive the King.)

Suffolk: I think he’s coming to.  He’ll be all right.  (To the King, revived) My lord.–It’s all right, sir.  It’s a terrible shock, I know.

King (Angrily): You!–Suffolk!

    (The King tries to get up, and Suffolk tries to help him.)

King: Don’t touch me!–You murderer!  I can see it in your eyes!

Queen: Oh, no, my lord!  Don’t say that.  Suffolk hasn’t done anything.

Suffolk: Of course not.

Queen: He’s just as grief-stricken as the rest of us.–Aren’t you, Suffolk?

Suffolk (Feigning grief): Oh, yes, madam!  I’m–I’m so shocked–I can hardly speak.

Queen (To the King): And so am I.  Look at me, my lord.  Can’t you see how terrible I feel?–And what will people think of me?  They’ll think I had something to do with it.  People can be so cruel.

King (Sobbing): My uncle!–My poor uncle!–I never loved anyone more than I loved him!

Queen: Oh?  And what about me?  Don’t you love me?  Don’t you  care about my feelings?  Is this what I came to England for?  I left my father and my country for you.  I thought I would be happy here.  But now I know I’m not really very important to you–am I?

    (Crowd noise is heard offstage.  Then Warwick comes in.)

Warwick (To the King): My lord, there’s a rumour going around that the Duke of Gloucester has been murdered, and Lord Suffolk and the Cardinal are involved.  The people outside are angry, as you can hear.

King: Warwick, my uncle is dead.  Suffolk found him.  How he died I don’t know.  His body is in there (Indicates Gloucester’s room).

Warwick: I’m going to have a look.

    (Warwick leaves.)

King: I’m afraid to think–it might be murder.

Queen: Don’t you want to look?

King: No.  I couldn’t bear it.  I want to remember him as he was alive–the noblest, kindest man I ever knew.

    (Warwick returns.)

Warwick: It looks like murder.  There are signs of a struggle.

Suffolk: I don’t believe it.  Who would want to murder Gloucester?  And besides, the Cardinal and I had charge of him.–Surely you don’t suspect us?

Warwick: It’s common knowledge the two of you were his enemies.

Queen: Are you saying they killed him?

Warwick: It seems obvious to me.

    (Winchester becomes ill suddenly.)

Somerset: Uncle!–My lords–madam–please excuse us.  He’s not feeling well.

Queen: Take him home, Somerset.  Let him rest.

    (Somerset assists Winchester out.)

Suffolk (To Warwick): I don’t appreciate your accusation, Warwick.

Queen: Yes, Warwick.  You’re out of line to accuse Suffolk.

Warwick: Madam, don’t defend him.  It only makes you look bad.

Suffolk: You low-life!  What sort of malformed creature crept into your mother’s bed to beget you?

Warwick: If we weren’t in the presence of the King, I’d carve my answer on your throat.

Suffolk: Then let’s step outside.

Warwick: With pleasure.

    (Suffolk and Warwick leave.)

King: If Warwick is right–

    (Crowd noise is heard offstage: “Down with Suffolk!  Down with Suffolk!”)

Queen: Good God!  It sounds like a riot! 

    (Suffolk and Warwick return, their swords out.) 

King: What’s going on?

Suffolk: Warwick has the crowd stirred up against me!  You see what a traitor he is?

    (More crowd noise: “Down with Suffolk!  Down with Suffolk!”  Then Salisbury comes in, calling behind him from the wing.)

Salisbury: Yes, I’ll tell the King!  Hold on!  (To the King) My lord, the people are demanding that Suffolk should be put to death, or else banished from England.  If you don’t, they’ll tear him to pieces.  They regard him as a threat to you.

Suffolk: And who put that idea in their heads?  You did!  (To the King) You’re not going to listen to a mob of hooligans, are you, my lord?  They’re nothing but a pack of howling dogs.

    (More crowd noise: “Down with Suffolk!  Down with Suffolk!”)

King: Salisbury, tell the people that I am touched by their concern for me.  And I will banish Suffolk.–Suffolk, you must be out of the country within three days.

Salisbury: Thank you, my lord!  A wise decision.

    (Salisbury leaves.)

Queen (Clasping the King’s hand): Oh, please, my lord!  Don’t banish him!

    (The King shakes off her hand.)

King: Don’t plead for him.  He’s banished.–Warwick, come with me.  I must speak to you.

    (The King, Warwick, and Attendants leave.  Only the Queen and Suffolk remain.  They exchange a heartbroken look.)

Queen: I’m sorry.

Suffolk: Damned Nevilles!  They should rot in hell!

    (They embrace.)

Queen: I’ll try to bring you back.  Or maybe I’ll be banished, too.  I don’t care.  As long as we can be together.

Suffolk: Any place on earth would be heaven with you.  Without you, any place is hell.

    (They separate when a Messenger comes in.  [Author's note: In the original, this is Sir William Vaux.])

Messenger: Madam, the Cardinal is extremely ill.  He could die at any moment.  He’s out of his mind.  He’s even talking to Lord Gloucester’s ghost.

Queen: Go tell the King.

Messenger: Yes, madam.

    (The Messenger leaves.)

Queen: My darling, you must leave.  If the King finds you here, he may have you executed.

Suffolk: If I go, I’m dead anyway–dead without you.

    (They kiss.)

Queen: Go to France.  Try to write to me.

Suffolk: I will.  Just don’t lose me.

Queen: I won’t.  I promise.

    (Suffolk leaves.)

Act 3, Scene 3.  London.  The bedroom of the Cardinal of Winchester.  The Cardinal is in bed when the King, Salisbury, and Warwick come in.  The Cardinal is delerious.  The visitors sit or stand by the bed.

King: My Lord Cardinal, can you hear me?  It’s the King.

Winchester: Death?–Have you come for me?–I’ll give you everything I have if you let me live.

Warwick: Beaufort, don’t you recognize me?  [Author's note: The Cardinal's surname.]

Winchester: When is my trial?–Is it for murder?–It wasn’t my fault.–Gloucester died in bed.–No, don’t torture me.–I’ll confess.–Oh!–He’s alive!–I can see him!–His eyes are plucked out.–All right, give me the poison.–Yes, I’ll drink it now.

King: The poor man.  He’s out of his mind.

Salisbury: He doesn’t even recognize us.

King: My Lord Cardinal, listen to me.  If you’re at peace with God, raise your hand so we’ll know.

    (Winchester stares at the King for a moment and then dies, without raising his hand.)

Warwick: Tsk.–A bad death.  It seems he died with a bad conscience.

King: No, no, Warwick, don’t say that.  We’re all sinners, after all.–Let’s go into the other room and say a prayer for him.

    (They leave.)

Act 4, Scene 1.  Before the curtain goes up, there are alarms of a fight at sea.  This is off the coast of Kent, aboard a pirate ship.  The Captain, the Master, the Master’s Mate, and Walter Whitmore come in, swords out, behind their prisoners–the Duke of Suffolk, in disguise, and two Gentlemen.

Captain (To the Prisoners): Thought you could get away from us, did you?–Ha!–We’ll collect a fine ransom from you, or else cut your throats!  (To the Master, indicating the First Gentleman)  This one’s yours.  (To the Mate, indicating the Second Gentleman)  And this one’s yours.  (Finally, he grabs Suffolk.  To Whitmore)  And this pile of rags is yours, Walter Whitmore.

First Gentleman: Don’t hurt us, Captain!  We’ll pay the ransom.  Whatever you want.

Captain (To his men): What do you think–a thousand crowns each?

Master and Mate: Yes!  Yes!

Whitmore: I’d rather cut all their throats.  It would serve them right for the men we lost.

Two Gentlemen: No!  No!  We’ll pay the thousand crowns!

Whitmore (To Suffolk): What about you?  You don’t look like you’re worth very much.  Maybe I’ll just cut your throat.

Suffolk (Aside): It was prophesied that I would die at sea.

Whitmore: Well?  What do you have to say for yourself?

Suffolk: Do you know who I am?  I am William de la Pole, Duke of Suffolk.

Whitmore: Dressed like that?

Suffolk: Never mind how I’m dressed.  This is just a disguise.  I’m related to the King.  Don’t you know that?  I have Lancaster blood in me.  You wouldn’t dare kill me.  [Author's note: Suffolk is lying.  He is not related to the King.]

Whitmore: Ha!–What do you think, Captain?

Captain: If he’s Suffolk, he deserves to die.  (To Suffolk)  I know all about you.  You’re the one who sold us out to the French.  You gave away our lands.  You’ve been fucking Queen Margaret.  And you helped murder the Duke of Gloucester.

Suffolk: Liar!

Captain: You and all your rotten crowd are finished.  You think everyone’s forgotten about how the Lancasters stole the crown?  The Yorks haven’t forgotten.  The Nevilles haven’t forgotten.  And a lot of good people in Kent and elsewhere haven’t forgotten.  Suffolk, you die!

Suffolk: Pirates!  Criminals!  You’re scum compared to me!  You’re not fit to lick my boots!

First Gentleman (To Suffolk): Don’t antagonize them, sir.

Suffolk: I don’t care!  Fuck these goddamn sons of bitches!–I’m a thousand times better than you!  I am a noble, and you are shit!  I’m the Duke of Suffolk, and I say fuck you!  I’m not going to grovel for my life!

Captain: Good for you, sir!  That’s the spirit!  (To Whitmore)  Take him away and do whatever you want with him.

Whitmore: Thank you, Captain!

    (Whitmore drags Suffolk out.)

Captain: Now, as for these two.–(Indicates the First Gentleman)  He can go.  (Indicates the Second Gentleman)  And we’ll keep this one.

    (They leave, except for the First Gentleman, who stands there frightened.  Then Whitmore returns with Suffolk’s head.)

Whitmore: Here’s your friend.  Take him back to Queen Margaret.

    (Whitmore puts the head down and leaves.)

First Gentleman: Bastards!

    (He is picking up the head as the curtain falls.)

Act 4, Scene 2.  Blackheath, Kent.  Two rebels, George Bevis and John Holland, come in, carrying long staves.

Bevis: It’s about time we got rid of these damned nobles and gave England back to the people!

Holland (To the audience): Power to the people!–Jack Cade will do it.  We’re behind him.

Bevis: Bloody, good-for-nothing nobles!  (He spits.)  Always pretending they’re better than the rest of us.

Holland: You said it.  Living high on the hog while we have to work our fingers to the bone just to scrape by.

Bevis: Here comes Cade now.

    (Jack Cade comes in with a group of rebel followers, including Dick the Butcher and Smith the Weaver.)

Cade: Workers of England, unite!  We’ll have no more aristocracy or any other parasites!

    (Cheers from the Rebels.)

Cade: Now, then–everyone quiet.  Listen to me.  My father was a Mortimer.

Butcher (Aside to the audience): He was a bricklayer.

Cade: My wife was descended from the Lacys.  [Author's note: A noble family.]

Butcher (Aside to the audience): She sold shoelaces.

Cade: Therefore I come from an honourable house.

Butcher (Aside to the audience): With two rooms and an outhouse.

Cade: I have proven my courage many times.

Butcher (Aside to the audience): He’s been whipped in public three times for stealing and never cried once.

Cade: I will reform England.  When I become King, bread will be four loaves for a penny.

Rebels: Hurray!

Cade: Beer will be half-price and double-strength.

Rebels: Hurray!

Cade: Everyone will eat and drink at my expense, and everyone will wear an identical suit of clothing to show solidarity.

Rebels: Hurray!

Butcher (Aside to the audience but this time too loud): And we’ll kill all the lawyers!

Rebels: Kill the lawyers!  Kill the lawyers!

Cade: That’s a great idea, Dick.  We’ll kill the lawyers.  They’re all bastards.  I’m going to start making a list.

    (Some Commoners drag in the Clerk of Chatham.)

Weaver: It’s the Clerk of Chatham.  He can read and write and do numbers.

    (The Rebels and Commoners boo angrily.)

Cade: A villain if I ever heard of one.

Clerk: Who–me?

Weaver: He teaches young boys how to write.

    (Loud booing from the crowd.)

Weaver: And he carries a book with red letters in it.  You know what that means.

Crowd: Witchcraft!  Witchcraft!

Weaver: And he writes legal documents in a language only lawyers can understand.

    (Loud booing and angry comments.)

Cade: Now, now, quiet down.  We mustn’t convict anyone without a proper hearing.  We have our credibility to think of.  (To the Clerk)  Now.–You.–What’s your name?

Clerk: Emmanuel.

Cade: Do you write your name in letters, or do you sign with a mark like an honest man?

Clerk: I’m an educated man.  I can write as well as anyone.

Crowd: Guilty!  Guilty!

Cade: Good enough.  Take him away and hang him. 

    (The Commoners drag out the Clerk.  Then a Messenger rushes in.)

Messenger: General!  Run!  The King’s forces are coming!  Sir Humphrey Stafford and his brother are leading them!

Cade: I’m not running, and nobody else is running either.  Why should we?  Sir Humphrey Stafford is just a knight, isn’t he?

Messenger: Yes.

Cade: Well, I can be a knight, too.–Here, give me this.  (He borrows somebody’s stave and taps himelf on the shoulders.)  I am now–Sir John Mortimer.

One Rebel (Aside to another): I didn’t know you could do that.

    (Sir Humphrey Stafford and his brother William come in with Soldiers.)

Stafford (To the Rebels): All right, let’s break this up right now!  We’re not going to have any of this mischief!  I want all you men to lay down your weapons and go home.

William Stafford: Or else you’ll die.

Cade (To the Rebels): They’re bluffing.  You fellows stick with me.  I’m the rightful heir to the throne.

Stafford: You?  You work in a cloth factory.

Cade: Wait, wait, wait–just a minute now.  Just listen to me.  Edmund Mortimer, the Earl of March, married Philippa, the daughter of Lionel, Duke of Clarence, didn’t he?

Stafford: So what?

Cade: They had twins.

William Stafford: They did not.

Cade: They did.  One of them was stolen by a beggar woman and became a bricklayer, and he didn’t know his true parentage.  That man was my father.

William Stafford: What a load of crap!

Weaver: Oh, it’s true, sir!  He made the chimney in me father’s house, and it’s standing still.  That proves it.

Stafford (To the Rebels): Do you really believe all this shit?

Rebels: Yes!  Yes!  He should be King!

William Stafford (To Cade): The Duke of York told you to say all this, didn’t he?

Cade: No.  (Aside to the audience) I made it up myself.–Now you go back to the King and tell him from me that out of respect for his father, Henry the Fifth, I will let him stay on the throne for now–provided that I get appointed Lord Protector.

Butcher: And we’ll hang Lord Saye for giving Maine back to the French.

William Stafford: Lord Saye?  What’s he got to do with it?

Cade: He speaks French, doesn’t he?  That proves he’s a traitor.

Rebels: Yes!  Yes!  Hang him!

William Stafford (To Humphrey Stafford): These people are idiots.

Stafford: They certainly are.  (To the Rebels) Now, for the last time, listen to me.  This man (Indicating Cade) is a traitor and all those who follow him will be put to death.  Those who want to remain friends with the King should follow me.

    (The Staffords and Soldiers leave.)

Cade: Stick with me, everyone.  Think of liberty–and justice–and cheap bread and beer.  We’ll wipe out all those prissy aristocrats with their patent leather shoes, and their snuff, and their cologne.  We’ll kill anyone who doesn’t have manure on his shoes like an honest man.

    (The Rebels cheer.)

Butcher (Looking): Uh, oh.–It looks like they’re getting into battle formation.

Cade: Never mind their fucking battle formation.  We don’t need any of that fancy military stuff.  Real fighters just attack–any way they feel like it.–Come on!

    (They all leave noisily.)

Act 4, Scene 3.  Blackheath.  Sounds of fighting before the curtain goes up.  Then Dick the Butcher is standing over the bodies of the two Staffords.  Jack Cade and the Rebels come in.

Cade: Dick the Butcher!  Are you all right?

Butcher: Right as rain, sir.–Look.  I got ‘em both.

Cade: The Staffords!  Well done, Dick!  You get a reward for this.  Lent will be doubled to eighty days, and you’ll be allowed to kill ninety-nine animals a week.

Butcher: Oh! Great!  I’ll have a monopoly.  (Nudges Cade)  Of course, the meat is for those who must have it for medical reasons–heh, heh!

Cade (Nudging back): Of course–heh, heh!  And I’ll always know where to get lamb chops whenever I feel faint from too much praying–ha, ha!

Butcher: Ha, ha!

Cade (Grabbing the armour from the bodies): I’m going to put on their armour, and we’ll drag the bodies all the way to London.

Butcher: Say, what about letting all the prisoners out of jail?

Cade: Later.  Right now I’m more interested in killing lawyers.–Come on.

    (All leave, dragging the bodies.)

Act 4, Scene 3A.  [Author's note: This scene does not appear in the original play.]  The Herald comes in with a paper and speaks to the audience.

Herald: The following lawyers have been put to death so far: Clive Loyns of Walsall, Sefton Kwasnik of Manchester, Stephen Silverman of London, Michael Nemeth of London, Peter Farrow of Bournemouth, Peter Brindley of Cardiff, Jonathan Finebaum of London, Peter Hay of Richmond, Graham Brierton of London, and Nadeem Rashid of Manchester.–Thank you.  That is all.

    (He leaves.) 

Act 4, Scene 4.  The palace in London.  King Henry comes in reading a letter, followed by the Queen, the Duke of Buckingham, Lord Saye, and Attendants.  [Author's note: In the original, the Queen is carrying Suffolk's head!  I don't know what Shakespeare was smoking when he wrote this scene, but I'm doing him a favour by deleting that ludicrous detail.]  The Queen looks depressed.

Buckingham: What are you going to do about the rebels’ demands, my lord?

King: If only my uncle were alive.  He’d know what to do.–Perhaps we could reason with them.  I hate the thought of civil war.  Violence makes me sick.

    (The Queen reacts as if she were nauseous.)

King (To the Queen): Still upset about your friend Suffolk?  I wonder if you’d feel so sick if they’d cut off my head.

Queen: Don’t say that.

King: Lord Saye, that lunatic Cade has sworn to have your head.

Saye: I hope you have his first, my lord.

    (A Messenger comes in.)

Messenger: Your Majesty!

King: What news?

Messenger: The rebels are in Southwark.  Jack Cade is now calling himself Lord Mortimer.  He claims that he’s the true King and your Majesty is a usurper.  He’s got a big mob behind him.  They killed the Staffords, and they want to kill all the nobles.

King: It’s terrible.  How can people act like that?  If we could only reason with them.

Buckingham: My lord, for your own safety, you should go to Kenilworth until we can put a stop to this rebellion.

King: I suppose.–Lord Saye, you should come with us.

Saye: If I did, I might put your Majesty in greater danger.  I’d rather stay in London and try to keep out of sight.

    (A Second Messenger comes in.)

Second Messenger (To the King): My lord, Cade and his people are almost at London Bridge.  Everyone’s either running away or joining up with him.  He wants to destroy the palace.

Buckingham (To the King): My lord, it’s best you leave right away.  Forget about trying to reason with them.  It would be like trying to reason with a forest fire.

King: You’re probably right, Buckingham.–Come, Margaret.  Don’t worry.  God will protect us.

Queen (Aside): Without Suffolk, there’s nothing to live for.

King: Be careful, Saye.

Buckingham (To Saye): Stay out of sight and don’t trust anyone.

Saye: I’ll be all right.  I haven’t done anything wrong.  My conscience is clear.

Buckingham: A raging fire doesn’t discriminate between the innocent and the guilty.  You be careful.

    (They leave, Saye separately.)

Act 4, Scene 5.  Before the Tower of London.  Lord Scales is walking above when several Citizens come in below.

Scales: What’s happening?  Is Cade dead or alive?

Citizen: My Lord Scales, Cade and his mob have taken London Bridge.  They’re killing everyone who tries to stop them.  The Mayor begs you for help.

Scales: I’ll send what help I can, but I have to protect the Tower.  They’ve already tried to take it once, and they’ll probably try again.  Go to Smithfield and try to raise some men.  I’ll send Matthew Gough to you.  Don’t give up!  We’re fighting for the King, and we’re fighting for our lives!–Go.

Citizen: Yes, my lord.

    (They leave, Scales above and the Citizens below.)

Act 4, Scene 6.  This scene is deleted. 

Act 4, Scene 7.  Smithfield.  Before the curtain rises, there is a brief interval of sounds of fighting.  Then Jack Cade and his followers come in (except Bevis, who will come in shortly).

Cade: That takes care of Matthew Gough and the forces from the Tower.  Next thing we do, we’ll burn down the Duke of Lancaster’s house and all the courts.

Butcher: Jack–er, I mean Lord Mortimer–I have a suggestion.

Cade: Let’s hear it.

Butcher: From now on there should be no laws in writing–only what you say.

Holland (Aside to Smith the Weaver): Oh–brilliant.

Weaver (Aside to Holland): Welcome to the revolution.

Cade: Excellent idea, Dick.  We’ll burn everything–every scrap of paper in Parliament.

    (A Messenger comes in.)

Messenger: My lord, we’ve captured Lord Saye.

    (Bevis comes in, with Saye as a prisoner.)

Cade: Well, well, well–speak of the devil.–Lord Saye.–I think we’ll chop his head off, stick it back on, and chop it off again.  (To Saye) What do you have to say for yourself, you aristocratic cockroach?

Saye: I haven’t done anything.

Cade: Oh, you haven’t done anything, have you?  You imposed property taxes to build–a grammar school!

    (Angry murmurs from the Rebels.)

Saye: Yes.  To teach boys to read.

Cade: You mean, to corrupt them!  And you built a paper mill to make paper for books!  And you appointed justices of the peace to try poor illiterates!  And worst of all–your horse wears a pretty blanket so you can ride on him like a gentleman!

Saye: So what?

Cade: Why should your horse wear a blanket when plenty of poor people have no blanket at all?

Butcher: Is your horse better than me?

Others: Kill him!  Kill him!

Saye: What wicked men you are!  I’ve never done anything bad to anyone.  If I am learned and try to make others learned as well, it’s because ignorance is the worst disease of all–worse than the plague.

Butcher: He doesn’t care about people who die of the plague!

Others: Oh! Oh!

Saye: I mean that the ignorant don’t realize how sick they are.

Cade: Is that so?  We’re ignorant and we don’t know it, eh?  What an insult!–Hit him!

    (Several of the Rebels strike Saye.)

Cade: Take him away and kill him.

Saye: Why?  What have I done to any of you that you would kill me?  Tell me!   Tell me!

Cade (After a brief pause): It’s just that I can’t stand educated people.–Take him away!

    (Several Rebels drag Saye out.)

Rebel: My lord, when do we rape and pillage?  You promised us rape and pillage.

Others: Yes!  Yes!  Rape and pillage!

Cade: Yes, yes.  Soon enough.  Cheapside is open all night. 

    [Author's note: Some texts have a scene break here, but I'm skipping it.]

    (A trumpet parley is heard.)

Cade: That’s a parley.  Somebody wants to talk to us.

    (The Duke of Buckingham and Lord Clifford come in, with Soldiers.  [Author's note: This is Thomas Clifford, the 8th Baron de Clifford.  He is referred to in some texts as "Old Clifford", although historically he was only 36 at this time.  "Young Clifford" was his son, John, who was 15.])

Cade: The Duke of Buckingham–and Lord Clifford.–What do you want?

Buckingham: We’ve been sent by the King.  (To the Rebels) Now listen, you men.  You’ve been misled by this man.  He’s not a Mortimer, he’s not even remotely related to the Mortimers, and he has no claim whatever to the throne.  Now, the King will pardon all of you if you leave this man and go home in peace.

Clifford: The King is offering you mercy out of the goodness of his heart.  If you have any sense, you’ll take it.  Otherwise, you’ll all end up dead.  If you hate the King, then you must hate his father, too–Henry the Fifth–who brought great glory to England.  Now, then–what’s it to be?

    (The Rebels murmur aside to each other.)

Rebel: God save the King!

All the Rebels: God save the King!  Henry the Sixth! 

Cade: What!  Are you leaving me just like that?  Do you want to be slaves to the nobles?  Do you want them to rape your wives and daughters?  Do you want to live in poverty and starve and go naked?–Well!  If that’s how you feel, I’ll fight them myself, and shame on you!

    (The Rebels murmur aside to each other.)

Rebel: We’re with Cade!

All the Rebels: Cade!  Cade!  Lord Mortimer!  King Jack!

Clifford: Be quiet and listen!  Cade is a nobody.  He’s a thief.  He’s an opportunist.  Is he going to invade France and recapture our lost territories and reward you with titles?  No!  This rebellion only plays into the hands of the French.  Why, you’re handing them England on a silver platter.  Then they’ll be your masters.  Is that what you want?  You are English, so act English!  Henry is your King.  He’ll stand up for England–but you must stand by him!  And God is on our side because King Henry is a pious Christian!  Remember that!–Now, then, what do you say?

    (The Rebels murmur aside to each other.)

Rebel: Hurray for Clifford!

All the Rebels: Clifford and Buckingham!  King Henry!  God save King Henry! 

Cade: What the hell?  (He looks all around but sees that everyone’s against him.  He tries not to show his fear.)  All I can say is–I am very, very, very, very disappointed in you.

    (He walks away quickly.)

Buckingham: Whoever brings back Cade’s head will get a reward of one thousand crowns in gold!

    (All the Rebels chase after Cade.)

Clifford: Well done.

Buckingham: You, too.

    (They exchange a high-five or bump fists and leave with the Soldiers.)  

Act 4, Scene 8.  Kenilworth Castle.  The King, Queen, and Duke of Somerset are present when Buckingham and Clifford come in.

Buckingham: Good health to your Majesty!

King: What’s happened with Cade and his rebels?

Clifford: Cade’s escaped, my lord.  But the good news is that all his followers have abandoned him.  The rebellion’s over.

King: Thank God for that!

Buckingham: I’ve offered a reward of a thousand crowns to whoever brings us his head.  I hope that’s all right with you.

King: Of course.  I’ll be glad to pay it.

    (A Messenger comes in.)

Messenger: My lord, the Duke of York has returned from Ireland with a big army–including the Irish.  He wants to arrest the Duke of Somerset.  He calls him a traitor.

King: My God, it’s one thing after another.  Why can’t we have peace in this kingdom?  Sometimes I wish I’d been born a commoner.  Why must I have to deal with so many problems?

Queen: That’s what a king is supposed to do, my lord.

Somerset: All kings have problems, my lord.  Your father would want you to do the best you can and have faith in God.

King: Yes–yes–you’re right, Somerset.–Buckingham, can you go and talk to York?

Buckingham: Of course, my lord.

King: Find out exactly what he wants and what his intentions are.  Tell him–tell him I’ve sent Somerset to the Tower as a prisoner.  (To Somerset)  Just temporarily, you understand–until this matter can be straightened out.

Somerset: Of course, my lord.  Whatever is in the best interest of the country.

King: Thank you, Somerset.–Now, Buckingham, try to be conciliatory with York.  He has a bad temper.  Don’t set him off.

Buckingham: I’ll be the soul of diplomacy, my lord.

King (Sighing): Ach!–Margaret, I must learn to govern better.  I don’t want to be remembered as the last King of the House of Lancaster.–Come.

    (He and Margaret leave, followed by the others, except Buckingham, who leaves separately.) 

Act 4, Scene 9.  The garden of Alexander Iden in Kent.  The sound of someone jumping over or down from a wall.  Then Jack Cade comes.  He kneels down and starts pulling out greens and eating them.

Cade: Five days with nothing to eat.–I’ve got to eat something.

    (Alexander Iden comes in with a couple of Servants.  All are armed.)

Iden: What’s the meaning of this?  What are you doing in my garden?

Cade: I’m hungry!  And don’t even think of betraying me or I’ll cut your head off!

Iden: What!–Of all the nerve!  You’re trespassing on my property and eating from my garden, and now you threaten me? 

Cade: I’ll kill you if I have to!  (He draws his sword and the Servants draw theirs in response.)  You gentlemen!  You scum!  When I take over the country, you’ll all be wiped out!

Servant (To Iden): He’s a madman, sir.

Iden: Stay back.  I’ll deal with him.

    (Iden draws his sword.)

Cade: I hate your kind!  I hate all of you!  You think you’re so superior!

    (Cade attacks, and Iden fights back.  Cade is too weak to fight well.  Iden strikes him.  Cade collapses.)

Cade: I could have beaten you–Now you can brag–you killed Jack Cade.

    (He dies.)

Servants: Cade!

Iden: That bloody traitor!–Lads, I’ll never clean this sword.  I’m going to mount it on the wall just like it is, with his blood on it.–Let’s find a ditch and dump him in it.  I’m going to cut off his head and take it to the King.–Come on.

    (They leave, dragging Cade’s body.)

Act 5, Scene 1.  A field in Kent, in the vicinity of Saint Albans.  York comes in with his army and Attendants.

York: Now we’ll settle things once and for all.  I’m the lawful King of England.  Henry’s weak.  He’s got to go.  England needs somebody tough like me.

Soldiers: Aye, my lord!

    (Buckingham comes in.)

Buckingham: My lord of York.

York: Lord Buckingham.

Buckingham: If you come as a friend, then I greet you as a friend.

York: And so do I, sir.  Did the King send you?

Buckingham: Yes.  He wants to know what your intentions are.  He’s concerned about this army of yours.  It does give a certain–ominous–impression, you realize. 

York: No, no, no.  That’s not it at all.  My sole intention is to remove Somerset.  After what happened in France, he’s a traitor.  He’s got to go.  And I had also heard about Cade, and I was concerned about the, uh–the King’s safety, of course.

Buckingham: Well, I do think it’s rather presumptuous of you to come back with such an intimidating force and demand Somerset’s removal.  But if it makes you feel any better, I can tell you that Somerset’s been sent to the Tower of London as a prisoner.

York: Seriously?  Is that true?

Buckingham: Word of honour.

York: Well!–That’s a load off my mind.  Then I guess I can dismiss my army.

Buckingham: I think that would be a very good idea.

York (To the Soldiers): Okay, you men are dismissed.  Meet me tomorrow at Saint Goerge’s field, and I’ll pay you your wages.

Soldiers: Thank you, my lord.

    (The Soldiers leave.)

Buckingham: The King will be very happy to know that you’re still loyal.

York: As long as Somerset is a prisoner, I’m satisfied.

    (King Henry comes in with his Attendants.)

King: There you are–York–Buckingham.–So what’s the story here?

Buckingham: Everything’s okay, my lord.  York came back with a big army because he wanted to get rid of Somerset, and he was concerned about the rebellion.  But I told him Somerset’s in prison.

King: All right, then.  Now I feel better.

    (Iden comes in with Cade’s head.)

Iden: Your Majesty–my lords.  Your troubles are over.  Here’s what’s left of Jack Cade.  I caught him in my garden and killed him.

King: Oh!  Brilliant!  (Looks toward heaven) Thank you, God!–Sir, I can’t tell you what a relief this is to me.

Iden: I knew it would be, my lord.

King: What is your name, sir?

Iden: My name is Alexander Iden.  I’m just a humble esquire of Kent and your Majesty’s loyal subject.

Buckingham (To the King): This man deserves to be knighted, I’d say.

King: He certainly does.  (To Iden) Kneel before me, sir.  (Iden kneels, and the King taps him on the shoulder with his sword.)  You are now Sir Alexander Iden, a knight of England.  You may rise.

    (Iden rises.)

Iden: Thank you, my lord.  You are most gracious.

King: And generous.  There’s a reward of a thousand crowns coming to you for this.

Iden: Thank you, my lord.

King: Just take that head to the palace, and, um–give it to someone–and they’ll pay you.

Iden: Yes, your Majesty.  Thank you.

    (Iden leaves.  Then Queen Margaret comes in with Somerset, and York reacts with a look of anger.)

King (To the Queen, in a hushed voice): What are you doing here?  What’s he doing here?

Queen: Somerset is not going to hide from York.

York (To Buckingham): You lied to me.  The King sent you, so he obviously told you to lie.

King: Now, now–please, my lord of York.  You should remember your place.

York: My place, sir?  My place is on the throne.  You don’t deserve to be King.  You’re weak.  And now you’re through–my lord of Lancaster.

Somerset: You traitor!  You’re under arrest!

York: Don’t make me laugh.  (To an Attendant)  Go get my sons, Edward and Richard.

    (The Attendant leaves.)

York (To Somerset): Hey, if you arrest me, my sons will pay my bail. 

Queen: We’ll see about that.  (To Buckingham) Go get Clifford.

    (Buckingham leaves.)

York: The only thing worse than having you for a Queen is having the bubonic plague.

Queen: You’ll pay for that insult someday.

    (Edward and Richard Plantagenet come in with Soldiers from one side; Clifford, his son, and Soldiers come in from the other side.  Clifford kneels to the King.)

Clifford: Good health to my gracious King.

York: Hey–over here, Clifford.  You can kneel before me.  I’m the King now.

Clifford (To the King): Is he crazy?

King: No, just ambitious.

Clifford: He’s a traitor.  We’ll arrest him and lock him up.

Queen: He’s already under arrest, but he won’t go.  His–boys–are here to speak for him.

Edward: And we will, madam.

Richard (Hand on his sword): With our swords, if necessary.

Clifford: This is an outrage!  You’re all traitors!

York: No, you’re the traitors.  As of now, I’m the King.  (To an Attendant) Get Salisbury and Warwick.

    (The Attendant leaves.)

King (Softly): This would never have happened if Gloucester were here to protect me.

Queen: He’s not your protector any more.  He’s dead. 

King: Margaret, I’m the King.  What should I do?

Queen (With a slight look of contempt): Be  the King–what else?

    (The Attendant returns with Salisbury, Warwick, and Soldiers.)

Clifford: Warwick–Salisbury–Are you on York’s side? 

King: How could you do this to me?  Where’s your loyalty?

Salisbury: I’m sorry, my lord, but I’ve thought it over very carefully, and I’ve decided that the Duke of York is the rightful heir to the throne.

King: But you’ve sworn your loyalty to me.

Salisbury: That was a mistake, and I no longer consider myself bound to you.  If an oath is wrong to begin with, then it’s wrong to bind oneself to it.

Queen: The traitor pretends to be a philosopher.

King (To an Attendant): Get Lord Buckingham.  Tell him to bring soldiers.

    (The Attendant leaves.)

York: You can call Buckingham and all the soldiers you can find, but it won’t make any difference.  I can take the throne by force if I have to.

Clifford: You’ll die for this.

Warwick: Clifford, you should go home and take a nap. 

Clifford: I’ll take a nap when you’re all in your graves.

Warwick: I’ll be attending your funeral–provided that a luncheon is served.

Young Clifford (To his father): I’m ready to fight these bastards.

Richard: You can fight me first.  I’m ready for you.

Young Clifford: You crawling snake.  I’ll cut your head off.

Richard: Shouldn’t you be in school or something?–Come on, father.  Let’s go eat something bloody.  I’m in the mood.

    (The two parties leave seaparately.)

    [Author's note: From this point on, the scene breaks are not the same in all texts.  I'm following the model of the Pelican Shakespeare edition.]

Act 5, Scene 2.  A road outside an alehouse called The Castle.  Somerset walks by and stops and notices the sign.

Somerset: The Castle–What was it that witch said?–I should stay away from castles?

    (His back is turned to the wing from where Richard Plantagenet rushes in, sword out.  Somerset turns and gets stabbed in the heart and dies.)

Richard: Score one for the Yorks.

    (He drags the body out.) 

Act 5, Scene 3.  On the field.  Warwick comes in.

Warwick (Calling): Clifford of Cumberland!  Don’t hide from me!  Come out and fight!

Clifford (Within): Stay where you are!  I’m coming for you!

    (York comes in behind Warwick.)

Warwick: My lord, you’re on foot.

York: Clifford killed my horse.  But I got even.  I killed his.

    (Clifford comes in.)

Warwick: There you are.  Now it’s you or me, Clifford.

York: No.  He’s mine.  Go look for somebody else.

Warwick: All right.  I yield to my future King.

    (Warwick leaves.)

York: Clifford, only one of us walks away from this alive.  And I hate you and all the Lancasters.

Clifford: As long as I’m alive, England will never be ruled by the Yorks.

    (They duel.  York kills Clifford.)

York: And so–death to the Lancasters.

    (He leaves.  Then Young Clifford comes in and finds his father’s body.)

Young Clifford: Father!  (He kneels beside the body.)  The Yorks will pay for this.  I will have no pity.  My heart will be a stone.–Death to all Yorks!

    (He carries out his father’s body.)

Act 5, Scene 4.  On the field.  Sounds of battle.  Several Soldiers assist the wounded Duke of Buckingham into his tent.  The King, Queen, and Attendants come in.

King: Buckingham!  Are you hurt badly?

Buckingham: Don’t worry about me, my lord.  You must get away for your own safety.

Queen: Yes!  We have to run, my lord!

King: Can any man outrun fate?  If it is God’s will–

Queen: Never mind God’s will!  What’s the point of staying?  You can’t fight.  If we stay, we’ll be captured.  If we can get to London, we’ll be all right.

    (Young Clifford comes in.)

Queen: John Clifford, talk some sense into the King.  He won’t leave.

Young Clifford: My lord, for my part I would gladly stay and fight.  But the Queen is right.  You must leave for your own sake.  We may have lost this battle, but the war isn’t over.  We’ll get back at them.

King: I suppose you’re right.

    (They all leave, except Buckingham and the Soldiers who assisted him.) 

Act 5, Scene 5.  The field.  Trumpets in the background.  York comes in with his sons, Edward and Richard, plus Soldiers.

York (To his Sons): Good work, boys.  I’m proud of you.  We’re much closer to the throne now.–Where’s Salisbury?  Has anyone seen him?

Richard: I was with him on the field.  He got knocked off his horse, but I protected him.  You know, for an old guy he’s still tough.

York: He’s tough, all right.  That’s why I can’t afford to lose him.

    (Salisbury and Warwick come in.)

York: Thank God you’re safe!

Salisbury: Thanks to young Richard.  What a brave guy!

Warwick: He’ll be King someday!

    (Happy laughter.)

Salisbury: We haven’t won the war yet.  This was just the opening round.  The Lancasters are still formidable enemies.

York: The word is that they’ve fled to London. 

Warwick: We should try to get there first.

York: We’ll try.–You’ve all been brilliant.  Let me shake all your hands.

    (He shakes hands with everyone.)

York: This has been a glorious day–a day to remember.

Warwick: History will remember this as the Battle of Saint Albans–won by the Yorks.  God save the next King!

Others: God save the King!

    (A trumpet flourish, then they all leave.  No curtain down yet.  The Epilogue follows.  [Author's note: This does not appear in the original.]  The Herald comes in and speaks to the audience.)

Herald: So ends the Battle of Saint Albans–the first Battle of Saint Albans.  For the Wars of the Roses have only just begun.  And just as the tides ebb and flow, so will the fortunes of the Yorks and Lancasters for the next thirty years.  Many graves are yet to be dug–graves strewn with red roses or white roses.  For now, we give you pause to ponder on what you have seen–the struggles for power, the rivalries and hatreds, pride, honour, and revenge–strength against strength, steel against steel, will against will–and reason and morality crushed underfoot.  But we will meet again on the fields of war, where swords clash, blood flows, and God looks down upon his children, all bent on slaughtering each other.  We know you’ll be back, for this, my friends, is your history.

    (He leaves.  Curtain.)

END

    Copyright@ 2012 by Crad Kilodney.  E-mail: crad166@yahoo.com 

Main Characters

King Henry VI

Humphrey, Duke of Gloucester — his uncle

John, Duke of Bedford — his uncle

Duke of Exeter — his great-uncle

Bishop (later Cardinal) of Winchester — his great-uncle

Richard Plantagenet (later Duke of York)

Duke of Somerset

Earl of Warwick

Earl of Salisbury

Earl of Suffolk

Lord Talbot

John Talbot — his son

Edmund Mortimer, Earl of March

Sir John Fastolfe (Some texts have “Sir John Falstaff”.)

Sir William Glansdale

Sir Thomas Gargrave

Sir William Lucy

A Captain of Talbot

Vernon

Basset

Woodville

Servant of Gloucester

Warder of the Tower

Mayor of London

Lawyer of the Temple

Jailer

Charles, Dauphin of France (later Charles VII)

Reignier, Duke of Anjou

Duke of Burgundy

Duke of Alenc,on  [Typographical note: This name is spelled with the French 'c' with the curl under it, which is pronounced like 's'.  Not having that character on my keyboard, I am forced to simulate it.]

Bastard of Orleans

Governor of Paris

General of French forces at Bordeaux

Shepherd

Joan de Pucelle (commonly “Joan of Arc”)

Margaret of Anjou — daughter of Reignier

Countess of Auvergne

Two Demonic Spirits

Gist of the story: After the death of Henry V, his conquest of France is thrown into doubt.  England’s attempt to enforce its claims to the throne of France and its possession of French territories will result in another outbreak of war.  The child-king Henry VI will come to the throne unprepared for war abroad or for the competition between those closest to him.  He’s a nice boy, really, but not like his father and grandfather, who were tough.  Henry VI was never cut out to be a king.  He loves books and just wants everyone to get along.  English forces in France must contend with Joan of Arc, a weird visionary who seems to have divine powers.  But neither she nor England’s hero, Lord Talbot, will live to see the end of the fighting.  Gloucester is ready to fix Henry up with the daughter of the Earl of Armagnac — a marriage that will re-establish peace.  But the Earl of Suffolk persuades Henry to marry Margaret of Anjou instead.  Peace is made with France, but we are left with hints of future discord within the kingdom.  We have gotten the first rumblings of what will become the Wars of the Roses — one of the most tragic episodes in the history of England.

(Reader, be warned.  Shakespeare ignores the actual chronology of historical events and changes some other facts for the sake of the story line.  The Yale Shakespeare edition of 1918 has excellent notes on the many historical errors, as well as an excellent commentary on the disputed origins of this play.  This is the first modernized, simplified version of Henry VI, Part One ever published.  The entire series “Shakespeare For White Trash” is designed to make Shakespeare’s plays crystal-clear and enjoyable to a non-literary audience.  Enjoy!)

Act 1, Scene 1.  London.  The funeral of Henry V.  Beside the coffin are his brothers, John, Duke of Bedford, and Humphrey, Duke of Gloucester; also the Duke of Exeter, the Earl of Warwick, the Bishop of Winchester, and the Duke of Somerset, plus Attendants.  [Author's note: Bedford is now the Regent of France.  He is the most senior person in the Kingdom.  Gloucester is the second-most senior person and is the Protector of young Henry, who was just a baby at this time, historically.  Exeter and Warwick were very close to Henry V.  The Bishop of Winchester, Henry Beaufort, was a half-uncle to Henry V and is part of the regency council.  Somerset is Winchester's nephew.]

Bedford: This is a black day for England, and for me personally.–To lose our brother, Henry the Fifth, at such a young age.

Gloucester: He was the best king England ever had.  He was the bravest.  He took us to Agincourt and beat the French.  He was a giant among men.

Exeter: I can’t believe he could die at the age of thirty-five.  Maybe the French put a curse on him and killed him.

Winchester: He fought in the name of God, and the church was behind him totally.  It was our prayers that made him as victorious as he was.

Gloucester: Yeah, right–the church!–You loved him as long as you could influence him.  Maybe if you’d prayed a little harder, he’d still be alive.

Winchester: I can see how much influence we’ll have with you, Gloucester.  You’re the Lord Protector now, whether the church likes it or not.

Gloucester: Don’t pretend to be holy with me, Winchester.  You never go to church except to pray for your enemies to die.

Bedford: Let’s not have a personal quarrel at a time like this.  We have to keep the country united.  And we have to make sure we don’t lose everything my brother fought for and won from the French.  (He shakes his head and looks up at heaven.)  Brother, if you can hear us, help us now.

    (A Messenger comes in.)

Messenger: My lords–I’m sorry to bring you bad news at a time like this.

Bedford: What’s happened?

Messenger: The French have recaptured almost all our territories in France.

    (Bedford grimaces and puts his hand on Henry’s coffin.)

Exeter: How did this happen?  Who betrayed us?

Messenger: Nobody betrayed us, sir.  We just didn’t have the resources to resist.–And sir, I must tell you–our men feel abandoned.  They think you’re too preoccupied arguing amongst yourselves.  They’re disappointed, sir.  They don’t want to hear words.  They want to see some action.

Exeter: Mmm–All right, messenger.  Wait outside.

Messenger: Yes, my lord.

    (The Messenger leaves.)

Exeter: Christ–I’m speechless.–When I think of Agincourt–and now, to lose everything.

Bedford: This is on my shoulders more than anyone else’s.  After all, I’m the Regent of France.  My brother would want me to fight, and that’s just what I intend to do.

    (A Second Messenger comes in.)

Second Messenger: My lords!  News from France!

Exeter: Yes?

Second Messenger: The Dauphin, Charles, has been crowned King of France, and all the French lords are supporting him.  [Author's note: Throughout this play, Charles is referred to as the Dauphin, not the King, reflecting the English viewpoint.  As far as they were concerned, he was only a prince.]

Exeter: It figures.–All right.  Go wait outside.

Second Messenger: Yes, my lord.

    (The Second Messenger leaves.)

Somerset: They’ll be calling him Charles the Seventh now.

Bedford: I don’t care what they call him.  He’s still the Dauphin as far as we’re concerned.

Gloucester: We’re going to have trouble with him.  He’s young, and he’s going to want to prove himself.  And all those lords are going to be falling all over each other to be his best friend.

Exeter: You got that right.

Bedford: I hope you guys are up for a war, because that’s where this is heading.

Gloucester: Say no more.  I’m your brother.

Exeter: And I’m your uncle.

    (A Third Messenger comes in.)

Third Messenger: My lords!  News from France!

Warwick: What the hell?  Did you guys all come on different boats?

Third Messenger: My lord?

Exeter: Never mind.  What’s the news?

Third Messenger: Lord Talbot and his army were surrounded by the French as he was retreating from Orleans.  Sir John Fastolfe was supposed to be guarding his rear, but he fled the battle and left Talbot on his own.  [Author's note: Some texts use the name "Sir John Falstaff", but this would lead to confusion as Sir John Falstaff was another character, who died in Henry V.]  Talbot put up a hell of a fight anyway, but he was wounded and taken prisoner.  It went very badly, my lords.  Many casualties.  Many prisoners.

Bedford (To the Lords): I’ll get him back.  I’ll capture some of their lords and do a trade.  I can take ten thousand men with me immediately.

Third Messenger: I suggest you go to Orleans, sir.  Lord Salisbury has laid siege to the town, but he’s desperately short of men and supplies.

Bedford: Right.–Wait for us.

    (The Third Messenger leaves.)

Gloucester: Bedford, you make your preparations, and I’ll go to the Tower and take stock of our armaments.  And then we have to get the boy crowned immediately. 

Exeter: Yes.  Good idea.  Henry the Sixth is going to be King of France, not Charles the Seventh.  I’ll make arrangements for his personal safety.–Let’s go.

    (All leave except Winchester, who lingers.)

Winchester: And what should the Bishop of Winchester do?  Why, the Bishop of Winchester should stick very close to the new King–to be his best friend and most trusted advisor, of course.

    (Winchester leaves.)

Act 1, Scene 2.  Near Orleans.  Charles (the Dauphin) and Lords Alenc,on and Reignier come in, with Soldiers.  [Author's note: Orleans is a French town under siege by English forces under Salisbury.  French forces under Charles have arrived to drive the English away.  This scene is taking place outside the town.]

Charles: The English had their way with us, but now it’s our turn.  They won’t take Orleans.  They’re pooped out.

Alenc,on: They can’t fight on empty stomachs.

Reignier: Right.  And we can break this siege now that we’ve captured Talbot.   All they have left is that lunatic Salisbury.

Charles: What are we waiting for?  Sound the trumpets!  Let’s get them!

    (Trumpets sound.  They rush out.  Sounds of battle.  Then Charles, Alenc,on, and Reignier return, without the Soldiers.)

Charles: Did you see that?  Our men panicked!  I can’t believe it!

Reignier: They got spooked by Salisbury.  That guy’s deranged.  He’s a fucking psychopath.

Alenc,on: Those English–how can they fight like that when they’re starving?

Charles: That’s exactly why they’re fighting like that.  Hunger is making them insane.  We’d better leave them for the time being.  We’re not going to get anywhere.

Reignier: I think you’re right.

    (The Bastard of Orleans comes in.  [Author's note: This was Jean, Count Dunois.  He was the illegitimate son of the Duke of Orleans and was first cousin to Charles.])

Bastard: Cousin Charles–my lord Dauphin!

Charles: Dunois!  Am I glad to see you!

Bastard: How are you?  You look worried.

Charles: I am.  I don’t know what to do about these English fanatics.

Bastard: Well, you’re about to get some help.  I’ve brought a young woman with me who has divine powers.  She had a vision that told her to drive out the English, and she’s going to do it.

Charles: Are you serious?

Bastard: Absolutely.  She’s a prophetess.  She has God-given powers.

Charles: I’ll believe it when I see it.  Go and get her.

Bastard: Back in a sec.

    (The Bastard leaves.)

Charles (To Reignier): I have to see if this woman is on the level.  You pretend you’re me.  Just stand right there and act royal.  I’ll move back a little.  Let’s see if she knows who’s the Dauphin.

    (Charles moves apart.  Joan de Pucelle comes in, with the Bastard following but remaining near the wing.  [Author's note: This is Joan of Arc, often referred to as the Maid of Orleans.  Her speech prefix will be "Joan", although some texts use "Pucelle".]  She is wearing a sword.)

Reignier: Ahem–Welcome, fair maid.  So, you have come to help us with your divine powers?

    (Joan looks at Reignier and Charles.)

Joan (To Reignier): You are not the Dauphin.  You are Lord Reignier.

    (Reignier and Charles exchange looks.)

Reignier: Wow.

Joan: There is nothing hidden from me, my lords.

Reignier: I guess not.

Joan (To Charles): My lord Dauphin, I would speak with you privately.

    (Charles nods to Alenc,on and Reignier, and they join the Bastard at the wing, almost offstage.  [The suggestion is that they are far enough away not to be aware of the action that follows.])

Charles: Who are you?

Joan: My name is Joan de Pucelle.  I come from simple people.  My father was a shepherd.  One day when I was minding the flock, the Virgin Mary appeared to me.  She told me I had been chosen to free our country from the English.  She promised to help me, and she guaranteed that I would succeed.  And then she surrounded me with a ball of light and changed me from a plain, unattractive girl to the beautiful woman you see now.  If you don’t believe me, you can put me to any test you wish, for I am blessed with divine powers.

Charles: Hmm–well–

Joan: You can even test me in combat.  I’ll beat you.

Charles: Ha!  You mean a duel with swords?

Jean: Yes.

Charles: You’re kidding me.

Joan: No, I’m not.  I have my sword.  (She takes out her sword.)  I fear no man.

Charles: Huh–well, I’ll be damned.–I don’t like to humiliate a woman–but if you insist–

    (He takes out his sword.  They duel.  Joan beats him back and knocks the sword out of his hand.)

Charles: Stop!–Enough.–Holy Christ.–How did you do that?

Joan: The power of the Holy Virgin is within me.

    (Charles looks at her passionately.)

Charles: I never met such a woman as you.  I never even imagined there could be such a woman.–Joan de Pucelle–I would give up the throne for you.  Would you say no to the Dauphin of France?

Joan: I cannot give myself to any man until I have freed my country from its enemies.  I have my powers only as long as I remain a virgin.

    (Charles gets down on one knee and takes her hand.)

Charles: I’ll wait if I have to.  (He kisses her hand.)  I love you. 

    (Reignier and Alenc,on are conversing apart.)

Reignier: Wonder what’s going on with those two.

Alenc,on: I’ll bet he’s giving her a thorough examination.

Reignier: Think we should butt in?

Alenc,on: Yeah–for his own good.  She’s too much of a hottie.  This is no time for him to get distracted.

Reignier: Yeah.

    (Reignier returns with Alenc,on and the Bastard.)

Reignier: My lord?  So, what have you decided?  Are we going to let the English have Orleans?

Joan: No!  The English will have nothing!  I have the power to drive them away.

Charles: She’s got the power, all right.  Not that I understand it.  But she’s got it.  And we’re going to fight.

Joan: By tomorrow, I promise the siege will be broken.

Alenc,on: All right, then.

Reignier: Lady, if you pull this off, you’ll go down in history.

Charles: And if she doesn’t, I’ll never believe in prophets again.  (To the Bastard) And I’ll never listen to you again.

    (They all leave.)

Act 1, Scene 3.  Before the Tower of London.  Gloucester comes in with two Servants in blue coats.

Gloucester: There should be a good stockpile of weapons in the Tower–assuming nobody’s been stealing them.  Give a knock.

    (A Servant knocks.)

Warder (Within): Who’s knocking?

Servant: The Duke of Gloucester.

Warder (Within): I’m sorry, but I can’t open the door.

Servant: What do you mean, you can’t open the door?  The Duke of Gloucester is here!

Warder (Within): Sorry.  I have my orders.

Gloucester: Orders?  Whose orders?  Get your lieutenant!

    (A brief pause.  Muffled voices within.  Then Woodville, the Lieutenant, speaks from inside.  [Author's note: Woodville was the father of Elizabeth Woodville, who later married Edward IV.  See "Shakespeare For White Trash: Richard III".])

Woodville (Within): Who’s out there?  The Tower’s not open to the public!

Gloucester: Woodville, is that you?  It’s Gloucester!  Open this door!

Woodville (Within): I’m sorry, sir.  The Bishop of Winchester has ordered me to let no one in.

Gloucester: Winchester!  Hey, I’m the Lord Protector, in case you’ve forgotten!  Open this door!

    (Winchester comes in with two Servants in brown coats.)

 Winchester: Gloucester, what are you doing here?

Gloucester: I want to get into the Tower.

Winchester: No.

Gloucester: No?  Who the hell are you to tell me no?

Winchester: I know your game, Gloucester.  You want to usurp the throne for yourself.

Gloucester: You bastard!  You never gave a shit about my brother.  You only care about yourself.  And I know your game–collecting kickbacks from all the whorehouses in London.  Now you let me into this Tower  or I’ll ram your hat down your throat!

Winchester: You can’t intimidate me.  I represent the church.  I have the Pope behind me.

Gloucester (To his Servants): Get these guys!

    (Gloucester’s Servants fight with Winchester’s Servants and are beating them.)

Winchester: The Pope will hear about this!

Gloucester: You fucking germ!

    (Gloucester is about to strike Winchester when the Mayor of London and two Officers come in.)

Mayor: Stop this fighting at once!

    (The fighting stops.)

Mayor: My Lord Gloucester!–My lord Bishop!–Shame on you!

Gloucester: Hey, Mayor, you know what?  This son of a bitch locked me out of the Tower!

Winchester (To the Mayor): Yes!  Because this warmonger is going to drag us into another war!  But his real ambition is to overthrow the church and then seize the throne for himself!

Gloucester: Why, you!–

    (Gloucester reaches for his sword, and Winchester does the same.)

Mayor: Stop!  (To the Officers)  Enforce the law here!

Officer: In the name of God and the King, all persons in this place are forbidden to use any weapon and are commanded to return home peaceably!

Gloucester: Winchester, I won’t break the law, but I’m not finished with you.

Winchester: And you just better not cross my path if you know what’s good for you.

Mayor: My lord Bishop!  What a thing to say!  And you, a high churchman!

Gloucester: I’m going, Mayor.

Winchester: You just watch out, Gloucester.

    (Gloucester and his Servants leave separately from Winchester and his Servants.)

Mayor: My God, what’s this country coming to?

    (He and the Officers leave.) 

Act 1, Scene 4.  Near Orleans.  A high place is suggested.  Talbot is observing with Sir William Glansdale and Sir Thomas Gargrave.  Salisbury comes in.

Salisbury: Talbot!  You’re back!  Thank God!

Talbot: Salisbury!  I’m glad to see you!

Salisbury: Are you all right, man?  What happened?

Talbot: Bedford arranged an exchange of prisoners.

Salisbury: How did the French treat you?

Talbot: Those bastards.  They paraded me through the streets and let the crowd jeer at me, and then I got thrown into prison.  I gave them a lot of trouble, though.  I think they were afraid of me.  They had guns pointed at me even when I was sleeping.

Salisbury: Whoever Bedford traded for you, we got the better deal.

Talbot: Probably.–Gargrave and Glansdale and I have been observing the town.  We’re trying to figure out where the weakest spot is where we could attack and get inside.

Salisbury: So what do you think?

Gargrave: I would say the north gate.

Glansdale: Otherwise the bridge.

Talbot: They can’t hold out forever.  We’re wearing them down.  And they’ve got to be hungry.

    (An explosion, with smoke.  Everyone falls down.  Salisbury is badly wounded.)

Talbot: Salisbury!  Salisbury!

    (Salisbury groans.  Sounds of cannon.  A Messenger comes in.)

Messenger: My lords!  The French have gathered their forces.  And the Dauphin has arrived with a strange woman named Joan de Pucelle.  She’s supposed to have divine powers.  She’s going to use them against us.

    (Salisbury groans.)

Talbot: He’s hurt bad.  Get him to his tent.  I’ll deal with these French bastards–and that Joan de Pucelle, whoever she is.–Divine powers, my ass!

    (The others help Salisbury out.  Talbot remains.)

Act 1, Scene 5.  Before Orleans.  As the curtain goes up, English soldiers are retreating.  Joan de Pucelle comes in, sword upraised.  Talbot comes in from the other side, where his soldiers have just retreated.

Talbot: What kind of demon from hell are you, that my soldiers should run from you?

Joan: Not a demon from hell, sir.  I am Joan de Pucelle, sent by the Holy Virgin to liberate my country.

Talbot: Why, you’re nothing but a witch and a fraud–and now I’m going to kill you!

    (They fight.  Joan displays extraordinary dexterity and overpowers him,  putting her sword to his throat.)

Joan: It is not your time to die, Talbot.  Therefore, I spare you–for now.  Go to your friend Salisbury, for he shall die tonight.  You English are beaten.

    (She leaves.  Talbot is perplexed.)

Talbot: No–no–(He calls to his soldiers.) Men of England!  You must fight!–They’re running.–How can this be?–Who is that demon?–The French are entering Orleans.–I’ve never been so disgraced.–God, let me die with Salisbury!

    (He leaves.)

Act 1, Scene 6.  Joan, the Dauphin, Reignier, Alenc,on, and Soldiers come in.  [Author's note: In the original, they appear on the walls of Orleans.  This may be suggested.]

Joan: Wave the flag!  Orleans is saved!

    (Cheers in the background.  The French flag is waved.)

Charles: This is the greatest day of my life!  Joan de Pucelle, you are brilliant!  You are a heroine!

Reignier: Let’s have the whole town celebrate.

Alenc,on: The whole country will celebrate when they hear what we’ve done.

Charles: What we’ve done?  Oh, no.  The credit is all Joan’s.  I’ll share my crown with her.  I’ll build a great monument to her.  She’ll be the new patron saint of France.–Come.  We’ll have a banquet and celebrate.

    (They leave.)

Act 2, Scene 1.  Outside the wall of Orleans.  Talbot, Bedford, Burgundy, and Soldiers come in.  [Author's note: The Duke  of Burgundy was the French lord who arranged the peace meeting between the English and French in Henry V.  He became an ally of the English from that point on.]

Talbot: My Lord Burgundy, thanks to you, we have friends in France.

Burgundy: I’m glad to be on your side.  The Dauphin had my father murdered.–They’re  all sleeping in there now.  You can get over the wall.

Bedford: The Dauphin has teamed up with a witch.  He must think  more of her than he does his own army.

Burgundy: Who is this Joan de Pucelle anyway?

Talbot: They say she’s a virgin.

Bedford: But she fights like a man.

Burgundy: Maybe she’s a man in a woman’s clothing.

Talbot: I don’t care what she is.  God is on our side, not hers.

Bedford: Should we go over the wall together?

Talbot: No, let’s split up.  We’ll have a better chance of getting past the sentries.

    (As they move, the lights go out briefly.  [There is no scene break indicated, but the scene is going to change anyway.]  Sounds of yelling in French.  The suggestion is that the French lords have been surprised from their beds and have fled in panic.  The segue is to a place within the town.  The Bastard, Alenc,on, and Reignier come in from different directions in their nightgowns.)

Alenc,on: The English have broken in!

Bastard: I got out of my bedroom just in time, thank God!

Reignier: How could this happen?  I thought we beat them.

Bastard: It’s that fucking Talbot.  We never should have exchanged him.  He’s too dangerous.

    (Charles and Joan come in.)

Alenc,on: My lord, the English are inside the town!

Charles (To Joan): Did you double-cross us?

Joan: Don’t blame me if your sentries are unreliable.

Charles (To Alenc,on): Alenc,on, weren’t you in charge of the watch?

Alenc,on: My sentries were on duty.–Maybe–(He looks at the Bastard and Reignier.)

Bastard: Don’t look at me.  My guys were on duty.

Reignier: So were mine.

Joan: There’s no point arguing about it.  They got in somehow.  Let’s collect our forces and get to safety.  Then we can decide what to do about it.

    (They leave.)

Act 2, Scene 2.  Inside Orleans.  Talbot, Bedford, Burgundy, and a Captain come in.

Bedford: Finally!–Orleans is in English hands.

Talbot: I’m only sorry Salisbury didn’t live to see it.  I’ll have him buried here.  It’s an honour he deserves.–Where’s the Dauphin and his girlfriend, I wonder?

Bedford: They made a run for it, along with their army.

Burgundy: I expect they’ll be together from now  on.  We’ll find them, wherever they are.

    (A Messenger comes in.)

Messenger: Greetings to the commanders of England.  I am sent with a message for Lord Talbot.

Talbot: I’m Talbot.

Messenger: Sir, my mistress, the Countess of Auvergne, would like to meet you.  She has heard of your great reputation as a man of courage.

Burgundy: What is she, some  kind of military groupie?–Ignore it, Talbot.

Talbot: No, it’s all right.  I’m curious to meet her.–Bedford, want to come along?

Bedford: No, thanks.  Three’s a crowd.  You go ahead.  Just be careful.

Talbot: Don’t worry about me.  I just want to find out what’s on her mind.–Captain.  (He whispers some instructions to the Captain.)  Understand?

Captain: Perfectly.

Talbot: All right, then.

    (They all leave.)

Act 2, Scene 3.  In the entrance hall of the castle at Auvergne.  The Countess comes in with her Porter.

Countess: You know what you’re supposed to do.  When everything’s ready, you bring me the keys.

Porter: Yes, madam.

    (The Porter leaves.)

Countess: When Talbot shows up, I’ll take him prisoner.  Then I’ll be famous.  I’ll be a heroine.

    (Talbot arrives with the Countess’s Messenger.)

Messenger: Madam, Lord Talbot is here.

Countess: What?–Are you Talbot?

Talbot: Yes, madam.

Countess: You’re the toughest commander in the English army?  You don’t look very tough to me.  In fact, you look quite ordinary–and much older than I expected.

Talbot: Well, if you’re disappointed, I’ll go.

    (He turns to leave.)

Countess: No, no–wait.–I didn’t mean it  like that.  I only wanted to be sure you really were Talbot.

Talbot: Yes, I really am Talbot.

    (The Porter comes in with the keys.)

Countess: Good.–If you’re Talbot–then you’re a prisoner.

Talbot: Whose prisoner, madam?

Countesss: Mine,  of course.

Talbot: Ha, ha, ha!–You think you can take me prisoner just like that?

Countess: Yes.  Why not?

Talbot: Because Talbot is not just Talbot.  Talbot is a multitude of men.

Countess: What are you talking about?

Talbot: I’ll show you.

    (He takes out a whistle and blows it.  Several English Soldiers appear immediately.)

Countess: Oh!–Sir, I underestimated you.  Please forgive me.

Talbot: That’s all right.  I’m not offended.  Just give us all some treats.  How about that?  Have you got any cake?  We like cake.

Countess: Of course.  I shall be honoured to serve you and your men.  (To the Porter)  Bring cake and wine into the dining room.

    (They all leave.)  

Act 2, Scene 4.  [Author's note: This scene requires some explanation, as it involves the complex dispute between the Yorks and Lancasters over the succession to the throne.  This dispute was to lead to the Wars of the Roses.  The Lancasters, who were Henrys IV, V, and VI, were descended from John of Gaunt, Duke of Lancaster -- one of five sons of Edward III.  The Lancasters were the third of five branches of the family tree under Edward III.  The Yorks were the fourth branch, descended from Edmund of Langley, Duke of York.  The fifth branch was under Thomas of Woodstock, Duke of Gloucester.  He is assumed to have been murdered on orders from Richard II, and his title was forfeit and later reassigned.  Two of his descendants, the first and second Dukes of Buckingham, don't enter the picture until later. The first branch was descended from Edward the Black Prince.  The second branch was descended from Lionel of Antwerp, Duke of Clarence.  {Two other sons died in infancy and can be disregarded.}  Edward the Black Prince died before Edward III, so the crown passed to the Prince's son, Richard II.  He was the last person on that branch of the tree and the last king of the House of Plantagenet.  The person next in line, based strictly on the rules of succession, was Edmund Mortimer, a descendant of Lionel of Antwerp.  {All of Lionel's descendants were surnamed Mortimer, because his only child, Philippa, married a Mortimer.  There were actually three Mortimers named Edmund.}  However, Richard II was overthrown by his cousin Henry IV, and Edmund Mortimer's claim to the throne was brushed aside.  This irregularity in the  succession became serious when one of Edmund Langley's sons, Richard, Earl of Cambridge, married Anne Mortimer, the sister of the Edmund Mortimer whose claim had been stepped over.  This created a "patch" from the fourth branch of the tree to the second branch and theoretically put the Yorks ahead of the Lancasters.  Richard, Earl of Cambridge, was executed for treason by Henry V, but not before he and Anne produced a son, Richard.  He was known as Richard Plantagenet, after the surname of Edward III.  His title Duke of York had been temporarily revoked.  It was not until Henry VI became King that Richard and his supporters were in a position to claim the throne, because Henry VI was a weak king, compared to his father, Henry V.  In this scene we meet the Duke of Somerset.  Somerset and his uncle, the Bishop of Winchester, were on the Lancaster branch of the tree, being illegitimately descended from John of Gaunt.  Suffolk is on the side of Somerset.  Warwick, however, is sympathetic to Richard Plantagenet.  This scene, which is apocryphal, explains how the Wars of the Roses came to be so named.]  The Temple Garden, behind the law courts in London.  Richard Plantagenet, Warwick, Somerset, Suffolk, Vernon, and a Lawyer come in.  They are in a serious mood.  There are bushes of red and white roses.  [Richard Plantagenet's speech prefix throughout this play will be "Richard", although some editions use "York".]

Richard: What’s the matter?  You guys don’t want to talk about it?

Suffolk: Yeah, but not in there with all those damned lawyers–(To the Lawyer) No offense.–It’s easier to breathe out here in the garden.

Richard: Okay, then, so what about it?  Am I right, or do you agree with Somerset?

Suffolk: I’m not a legal expert.

Somerset: Warwick, we should make you the referee on this.

Warwick: Oh, no.  Don’t put it all on my shoulders.

Richard: You’re being diplomatic.  It’s so obvious that I’m right.  Any idiot would see it at once.

Somerset: Then let the idiots agree with you, and the wise men will agree with me.

Warwick: Let’s not have a quarrel.  There’s enough arguing going on in the courts.  (He nods over his shoulder.)

Richard: All right.  Nobody has to say anything.  Let’s do this.  We have red roses and white roses here.  I’m going to pick a white rose.  Whoever agrees with me should pick a white rose, too.

    (They will all pick roses as indicated.)

Somerset: I’m taking a red rose, and whoever agrees with me should do the same.–Warwick?

Warwick: Well, if I have to choose–I’m picking a white one.

Somerset: Suffolk?

Suffolk: I’m with you–red rose.

Somerset: Vernon?

Vernon: If this is supposed to settle the matter, then whichever side has the fewest roses has to admit they’re beaten.

Somerset: Sure.

Richard: Fine.

Vernon: It’s pretty clear to me.  I’m taking a white rose.

Somerset: Don’t prick yourself on a thorn, or you’ll turn it red.

Vernon: If I bleed for my choice, so be it.  But I’m keeping the white rose.

Somerset (To the Lawyer): You’re a lawyer.  You heard both sides.  Who’s right?

Lawyer: Based on the law, I have to say I’m on Richard’s side.  I’ll wear a white rose. 

Richard: There!  What do you say to that, Somerset?

Somerset (Grabbing the scabbard of his sword): This is my best argument.  Your white roses may end up blood-red.

Richard: What’s the matter, Somerset?  You’ve gone pale all of a sudden.  I guess that shows you know we’re right.

Somerset: You’re blushing red–with shame, of course.  You know I’m right.

Richard: Your red rose looks diseased.

Somerset: Yours has an ugly thorn, Plantagenet.

Richard: A good, sharp thorn to prick your pretentious bubble.

Somerset: Plenty of other people will be wearing the red rose.  Good people know the truth.

Richard: Hey, count the roses.  We win–loser.

Suffolk: You’ve got a nerve, Plantagenet.

Richard: Nerve enough for both of you.

Suffolk: You’ll eat your words someday.

Somerset: Come on, Suffolk.  Let’s not dignify this–commoner–by conversing with him.

Warwick: Wait a minute, Somerset.  Plantagenet’s great-great-grandfather was Lionel, Duke of Clarence.

Richard: He wouldn’t dare insult me if we weren’t standing behind the law courts.

Somerset: Fuck that!  Your father, Richard, Earl of Cambridge, was executed for treason by Henry the Fifth!  You don’t have a title any more!

Richard: You jerk!  It was never proven that he was a traitor!  He was executed without a trial!  And as for the both of you–(Indicating Somerset and Suffolk) I won’t forget this insult.  You’ll be sorry.

Somerset: Do your worst.  We’ll be ready for you.  And there’ll be more of us than there are of you.

Richard: This white rose is pale with hatred for the likes of you.  And I’ll wear it until I’m in my grave or on the throne, where I belong.

Suffolk: I pray that you choke on your ambition.

Somerset: Amen to that!–Come on, Suffolk, let’s split.

    (Suffolk and Somerset leave.)

Richard: I could’ve strangled those guys!

Warwick (Patting Richard’s arm): Discretion–discretion–.The next Parliament will probably restore your title.  They’ve been called to patch up the quarrel between Winchester and Gloucester.  If you don’t get your title back, I’ll eat my shoes.  That’s how sure I am.  In the meantime, I’m going to wear this white rose for your sake.

Vernon: So will I.

Lawyer: I will, too.

Richard: I really appreciate it, you guys.  Come on, let me treat you to dinner.

Warwick: We accept.–But I’ll be honest with you.  This dispute about the throne is going to escalate.  I can foresee a war at some point–the red roses against the white roses.  A lot of people could die.

Richard (Smiling): Well–it won’t happen today.–Come on.

    (They leave.)

Act 2, Scene 5.  A prison cell in the Tower of London.  The aged Edmund Mortimer is slumped in a chair, eyes closed.  The Jailer comes in.

Jailer: Edmund Mortimer–are you asleep?

Mortimer (Opening his eyes): Eh?

Jailer: You sent for your nephew.

Mortimer: Yes, yes.

Jailer: He’s here.

Mortimer: Thank God.

    (The Jailer leaves, and Richard Plantagenet comes in.)

Richard: Uncle!

Mortimer: Richard!

    (They embrace.)

Richard: How are you, uncle?

Mortimer: Sick–old–not long for this world.  But seeing you again warms my heart.  How are you, boy?  How are you?

Richard: I’m unhappy, uncle.

Mortimer: What’s wrong?

Richard: I got into a quarrel with Somerset.  He insulted me, and he insulted my father.  Called him a traitor. 

Mortimer: Oh–oh–

Richard: Uncle, please tell me the truth about my father.  I need to know.

    (Richard sits beside Mortimer.)

Mortimer: It’s a fine bit of history, my boy.  All in the family.  Richard the Second made me his heir to the throne.  I was next in line because I was descended from Lionel.  But when Henry the Fourth overthrew Richard, my claim to the throne was simply ignored.  Later on, the Percys, who had been Henry’s friends, rebelled against him.  They wanted to put me on the throne.  But they were beaten, and I was thrown in prison.  Your father, the Earl of Cambridge, was on my side.  He married your mother–my sister, Anne.  He wanted to put me on the throne, but he was executed for treason by Henry the Fifth.  He died for a good cause, my boy.  We Mortimers were robbed by the Lancasters.  Now I’m old, and I have no children.  But you, my boy, are the son of my sister.  And now I make you my heir.  My heir, Richard.  Do you understand what that means? 

Richard: Yes, uncle.  I’ll get revenge on the Lancasters–for my father, and for you.

Mortimer: Shh–careful what you say, nephew.  Never give a signal to your enemies that you’re angry with them.  You have to be cautious.  The Lancasters are well-entrenched.  Getting them off the throne would be like moving a mountain.–Ahh–I’m glad we had this talk, my boy–before I die.

Richard: I would gladly give you some of my years if I could.

Mortimer: No, no, my boy.  Nature must take its course.  I’ve lived long enough.  I’m ready to leave this old body.  You’ll see to my funeral.

Richard: Uncle, you mustn’t die.

Mortimer: My dear boy–son of my beloved sister–May God protect you–and may you prosper well–in peace–or war–.

    (He dies.)

Richard: Uncle!  (He clasps Mortimer’s hand.)–Thank you for giving me the truth–and your advice.–I will have my honour restored.

    (Scene ends without an exit.)

Act 3, Scene 1.  Parliament.  Young King Henry VI comes in with Exeter, Gloucester, Winchester, Somerset, Suffolk, and Richard Plantagenet.  [Author's note: Henry is presented here as a teenager, although historically he would have been much younger.]  Gloucester attempts to stick a paper on the wall, and Winchester grabs it and tears it up.

Winchester: That’s this?  More dirty accusations against me?  If you have something to say against me, say it out loud.

Gloucester: I would, but foul language isn’t allowed here in Parliament–you evil priest.  You think you can get away with your dirty plots and your treason?  You wanted to have me killed at London Bridge and at the Tower.

Winchester: Liar!

Gloucester: You’re too ambitious, Winchester.  It’s written all over you.

Winchester: Me?  Ambitious?  (To the others)  You hear this clown?  He calls me ambitious.  If I’m so ambitious, how come I’m so poor?  I’m a man of the church.  I’m a man of peace.  But Gloucester provokes me.  And you know why?  Because he can’t stand the thought that somebody else might have as much influence with the King as he does.  And I’m just as good a man as Gloucester.

Gloucester: As good?  A bastard of my grandfather, John of Gaunt!

Winchester: You want to rule England by yourself!

Gloucester: I’m the Lord Protector of the King–my nephew!

Winchester: And I’m a bishop of the church.

Gloucester: A position you use for your own selfish purposes.

Winchester: If you attack me, you attack the church.  Rome stands behind me.

Warwick: The further behind, the better.

Somerset (To Warwick): My lord, you shouldn’t say that.

Warwick: A bishop should be more humble.

Somerset: But his Grace is simply defending the church.

Warwick: And Gloucester is protecting the King.

Richard (Aside): I’d tell this fucking bishop where to get off, but I’m keeping my mouth shut.

King: Please!  Please!–Gloucester–Winchester–It hurts me to see you fight like this.  And it’s very bad for the country when people of such high rank fight with each other.

    (Sounds of fighting are heard offstage, suggesting two groups.)

King: What’s going on out there?

Warwick: I’ll bet it’s the Bishop’s boys making trouble.

    (Continued sounds of fighting.  Then the Mayor of London comes in.)

Mayor: My lords!  Do you hear that racket outside?  Gloucester’s servants are fighting with the Bishop’s servants!  I forbade them to carry weapons, and now they’re beating each other!

    (The fighting comes onstage.)

King: Stop!  Stop!  (To Gloucester)  Uncle, you must stop them!

Gloucester (To his Servants): Stop the fight!

A Servant of Gloucester: My lord, we won’t allow these dirtbags to offend your honour!

Gloucester: Lads, this is Parliament!  You can’t fight here!

King: Winchester!  Do something!

Warwick: Gloucester–Winchester–come on.  We can’t have this.

Winchester: I won’t stop anything unless Gloucester stops it first. 

Gloucester: All right–for the King’s sake.  (To his Servants) You must stop right now!  You’re upsetting the King!

    (The fighting stops tentatively.)

Warwick: Winchester?

Winchester (To his Servants): That’s enough, boys.  You’ve had your fun.

Warwick (To Gloucester and Winchester): Can we call a truce here?–Come on.  If you love the King.

Gloucester: Yes, all right.

    (He extends his hand, but Winchester holds back.)

King: Bishop?  You said you were a man of peace.

    (Warwick gives a thumbs-up to the audience to show his approval of the King’s remark.  Winchester reluctantly shakes hands with Gloucester.)

Winchester: This is just to show that I love the King as much as you do.

Gloucester (Aside): Phony bastard.

Winchester (Aside): I’d sooner strangle him.

King (Happily): There!–Now I feel better.–My kind and noble kinsmen.  (To the Servants)  And all you lads make peace now.

The Servants: Yes, my lord.

King: Go down to the pub and have a drink or something.  Be friendly.

The Servants: Yes, my lord.

    (The Servants leave.)

Mayor: Thank you, my lords!

    (The Mayor leaves, wiping his brow with his handkerchief.)

Warwick (To the King): Now, down to business, my lord.  In behalf of your cousin Richard Plantagenet, here is a request for your kind consideration.

    (He hands the King a paper.)

Gloucester: Yes, your Majesty.  I talked to you about this before.  It’s about Richard’s title.  It would be a gracious thing if you were to restore it to him.

King: It’s my pleasure to do it–(To Richard) not only the earldom of Cambridge but also the dukedom of York, which belonged to your uncle, who died at Agincourt in the service of my father.–Now, kneel before me.

    (Richard kneels.  The King taps him on the shoulders with  his sword.)

King: Arise, Duke of York.

Richard: Your Majesty, I pledge my obedience and loyalty to you as long as I live.

    (The others cheer and applaud, except for Somerset, who turns his back and shows his middle finger to the audience.)

Gloucester: Your Majesty, the next thing you need to do is go to France and be crowned King there.  The French need to know who their real King is.

King: Uncle, I rely on your advice.

    (A trumpet flourish.  All leave, except Exeter, who faces the audience grimly.)

Exeter: They don’t understand the risk.  This quarrel between Gloucester and Winchester is going to erupt again.  And the outcome is going to be bad for the whole country.  It was prophesied that everything that Henry the Fifth won in France would be lost by Henry the Sixth.  I don’t want to live to see it.

    (He leaves.)

Act 3, Scene 2.  Outside the walls of Rouen.  Joan and several Soldiers come in, disguised as peasants.

Joan: Remember, we’re peasants.  We’ll con our way in, and then Rouen will be in French hands.

    (She knocks at the gate.)

Watchman (Within): Who knocks?

Joan: We are peasants, sir, come to sell our corn.  Please let us in.

Watchman (Within): All right.  I’ll open the gate for you.

    (The gate opens, and Joan and the Soldiers go in.  Then Charles, the Bastard, Alenc,on, and Soldiers appear at the wing.)

Charles: She’s in.  Watch for her signal.

    (Joan appears briefly on the wall, waves a torch, and then disappears.)

Charles: That’s it!

Alenc,on (To the Soldiers): Come on, men!

    (They enter the town.  Sounds of alarm within.  [The action gets complex here.  The Director must decide how people come in and go out.]  Talbot, Burgundy, and Bedford come in, having fled from the town.  Bedford is sick and is assisted or carried on a stretcher by Attendants.  Joan, Charles, the Bastard, and Alenc,on appear on the wall.)

Joan: Good morning, English!  Want to buy some corn?–Ha! Ha! Ha!

Burgundy: You witch!  I’ll shove that corn down your throat!

Charles: You should live so long, Burgundy!–Ha! Ha!

Bedford: Save your breath, Burgundy.  Let our swords speak for us.

Joan: Your swords, sir?  You’re too old and sick even to stand up, let alone wield a sword.

Talbot: Wait till I get my hands on you!

Joan: Oh, Talbot, you’re so funny when you’re angry.

Talbot: Why don’t you give us a fair fight on an open field?  That’s what real soldiers do!

Joan: No, thank you.  Only brutes like you rely on force.  We prefer to use our brains.

Talbot: You mean your tricks!–You–Alenc,on.  You’re a soldier.  Surely you have a sense of honour.  Give us a fair fight out in the open.

Alenc,on: Sorry.  No.

Joan (To her party): Let’s go.  We’ve made our point.–Goodbye, Talbot!

    (Joan and her party disappear from the wall.)

Talbot: We’ll take Rouen back.–Are you with me, Burgundy?

Burgundy: All the way.

Talbot: But we have to help Bedford first.–Bedford, we’ve got to get you to safety.

Bedford (Weakly): I’m not going anywhere.  I don’t want to miss anything.  You go on.

Talbot: You’ve got guts, my lord–but I always knew that.–Come on, Burgundy.  We’ll collect our men and chase after those French.

    (Talbot, Burgundy, and Soldiers rush out, leaving Bedford with the Attendants.  Bedford watches the suggested action offstage.  Alarms.)

Bedford (Weakly): Go get ‘em, Talbot!–That’s it!–You show ‘em what we’re made of!–The French can’t beat us–never–oh–my soul–yes–take me now–it’s time–

    (He dies.  Talbot, Burgundy, and the Soldiers return.)

Talbot: We did it, Burgundy!  We did it!

Burgundy: Talbot, you were magnificent!

Talbot: We’ll restore order in the town, and I’ll beef up security so there are no more intrusions.  Then we have to go to Paris to meet up with the King.

Burgundy: I’m with you.

     (Talbot kneels beside Bedford.)

Talbot: Bedford!  Did you see?

Attendant: He’s dead, sir–but he did see you.  He was happy.

Talbot: My friend Bedford.  He was as good as he was brave.  We’ll bury him here in Rouen.

    (They leave.)

Act 3, Scene 3.  Between Rouen and Paris.  Charles, the Bastard, Alenc,on, Joan, and Soldiers (including a Trumpeter) come in.

Joan: Don’t be discouraged, my friends.  Let them have Rouen for now.  Let Talbot enjoy his moment of glory.  It won’t last long.

Charles: We trust you, Joan. 

Bastard: Yes.  You still have a trick or two up your sleeve, eh? 

Alenc,on: Of course, she does.  She’s divinely inspired.–So what do we do now, Joan?

Joan: I have a plan.  I will entice the Duke of Burgundy to abandon Talbot and come over to our side.

Charles: That would be great.  If Burgundy came back to us, the English wouldn’t stand a chance.

Joan: You can hear their armies.–Listen.

    (Distant drums of the English army.)

Joan: That’s Talbot.

    (A different drum sound.)

Joan: That’s Burgundy.  He’s following Talbot.  Sound the trumpet for a parley.  He’ll recognize it.

Charles (To the Trumpeter): Sound a parley.

    (The Trumpeter sounds a parley.  After a short interval, Burgundy comes in.)

Burgundy: I assume that trumpet was meant for me.

Charles: Yes, Burgundy.  Joan wants to talk to you.

Burgundy (To Joan): Well, make it fast.  I’m on the march.

Joan: My lord of Burgundy, look at your country.  Can you not see the horror this war has brought?  Can you not see the destruction?  Can you not see and hear the despair of your countrymen?  This is your country.  This is France.  Do you hate your people so much that you would join with their murderers?  Have you no pity?  Why do you raise your sword against France when you are a Frenchman?  Why, Burgundy?

    (Burgundy hesitates, stricken with remorse.)

Joan: The English are using you.  They don’t care about you.  Once you’ve served their purposes, they’ll cast you out.  Return to us, Burgundy.  It’s not too late.  We are your people.  We want you back.  The King wants you back.

Charles: Yes, Burgundy.  Come back to us.

Alenc,on and the Bastard: Come back to us, Burgundy.

Burgundy (To Joan): Lady–you pierce my heart.  How could I have been so wrong?  (To the King)  Can you forgive me, sir?

Charles: Yes!  We want you back.  That’s the only thing that matters.

Burgundy: Then from now on I’m with you.  I’m through with the English.

Charles: Thank God!  We’re friends again.

Bastard: This changes everything.  Now I know we’ll win.

Alenc,on: We were right to trust Joan.

Charles: We’ll join our armies together, and then we’ll really turn this war around.  Come.  We’ll make our plans.

    (They leave.)

Act 3, Scene 4.  King Henry’s palace in Paris.  King Henry comes in with Gloucester, Winchester, York (Richard Plantagenet), Suffolk, Somerset, Warwick, Exeter, Vernon, and Basset.  Meeting them coming in are Talbot and his Soldiers.

Talbot: My lords, I’m happy to report that I have recaptured fifty forts, twelve cities, and seven walled towns, and I’ve taken five hundred prisoners of rank.

King: Uncle Gloucester, is this the Lord Talbot I’ve heard so much about?

Gloucester: Yes.  You never met him before because he’s been in France all this time.

King: Lord Talbot, my father spoke highly of you.  Now I want to reward you for all your excellent service.  You may kneel before me.

    (Talbot kneels.  The King taps him on the shoulders with his sword.)

King: I bestow on you the title of Earl of Shrewsbury.  You shall attend my coronation and stand with the other nobles.

Talbot: I thank your Majesty.  Whether as a humble soldier, a captain, or an earl, I shall always serve with total loyalty.

King: Come, everyone.

    (All leave with the King, except Vernon and Basset, who linger.)

Vernon: Now I have something to say to you, Basset.  You insulted this white rose I wear for the Duke of York.  I demand that you retract what you said.

Basset: Why should I?  You insulted the Duke of Somerset.

Vernon: I said what I thought of him, and I stand by it.

Basset: He’s as good a man as York–or better.

Vernon: He’s a bum!  And so are you!

    (Vernon strikes Basset.)

Basset: You bastard!  I’d cut your head off if we weren’t in the King’s court!  I’m going to tell him about this and I’ll get his permission to duel it out with you!

Vernon: There’s nothing I’d like better!

    (They leave.)

Act 4, Scene 1.  Paris.  A stately room for the King’s coronation.  The King comes in with Gloucester, Winchester, York, Suffolk, Somerset, Warwick, Talbot, Exeter, and the Governor of Paris.  Winchester is holding the crown.

Gloucester: My lord Bishop, you can do the honours.

Winchester (To the King): In the name of God and the church, I crown you King Henry the Sixth, King of France.

    (He places the crown on King Henry.)

Gloucester: Governor of Paris.

    (The Governor kneels.)

Gloucester: Do you swear to accept King Henry the Sixth as your only King, to be loyal to him, and to defend him against all enemies, so help you God?

Governor: I do.

King: Thank you, my Lord Governor.  Now you may leave us.

    (The Governor bows and leaves.  Then Fastolfe comes in, out of breath.)

Fastolfe: Your Majesty!–My lords!–I have a letter that was given to me for the King by the Duke of Burgundy!

Talbot: Fastolfe!  You coward!  (To the KIng)  This is the captain who abandoned me at Orleans!  And he has the nerve to wear the garter, which is reserved only for the bravest knights!

    (Talbot tears the garter off Fastolfe.  [Author's note: The garter is best represented for this scene as a patch worn on the sleeve.])

Gloucester: Good for you, Talbot!  (To the King) My lord, Fastolfe has disgraced the Order of the Garter.  He doesn’t deserve to be a knight.

King: Fastolfe, you are unworthy.  Your knighthood is revoked.  Get out.  I never want to see you again.

    (Gloucester snatches the letter from Fastolfe, who leaves.)

King: What’s in the letter, uncle?

    (Gloucester peruses the letter and looks disturbed.)

Gloucester: I don’t believe it.–The bloody turncoat.

King: What’s the matter?

Gloucester: Burgundy’s gone over to the French.

King: But why?

Gloucester (Studying the letter): He just says his heart is with France–Charles is the true King–and we’re just invaders.

King: But what’s the reason for this?  There must be a reason.

Gloucester: I don’t know what’s behind this.  But it’s bad for us.  Burgundy has a lot of influence in northern France.  This could tip the balance of power against us.

King: Then we must get him back–somehow.–Lord Talbot, can you go and talk to him?  You must change his mind.

Talbot: I’ll do my best, my lord.

    (Talbot leaves.  Then Vernon and Basset come in.  Vernon is wearing a white rose, and Basset a red rose.)

Vernon: Your Majesty, I’ve come to ask permission to duel against this man.

Basset: And I ask the same, your Majesty.  My quarrel with this man can only be settled by the sword.

    (The King looks at the others, perplexed.)

Richard: Your Majesty, Vernon is a friend of mine.  I would ask you please to grant his request.

Somerset: Your Majesty, Basset is my friend.  He has been wronged.  Please let him duel for his honour.

King: Wait, wait.  I want to know what this is about.–You–Basset.  What’s your grievance with this man?

Basset: My lord, on the way over here from England, Vernon insulted me for wearing this red rose, which I wear to show my support for Lord Somerset.

King: Support about what?

Basset: My lord, it’s a dispute over a question of law.  Vernon said some bad things about Somerset, and as a gentleman I took offense.

Vernon: My lord, Basset provoked me by attacking the character of the Duke of York.

Richard (To Somerset): You see the trouble you’ve caused?

Somerset: Me?  You started it.  If anyone’s causing trouble, it’s you.

King: Stop!  This is crazy.  You’re both cousins to me.  I don’t want you to fight.

Richard: It’s a private matter, my lord.  Let me duel him and settle it.

Somerset: That’s fine with me.

Vernon: No, no!  I came here to duel Basset.

Basset: Yes.  It’s between me and Vernon.

Gloucester: Enough of this bullshit!  Nobody’s going to duel anybody!  Do we need this kind of shit right now, when we’re at war and we’re in danger of losing all of France?

Exeter: Yes.  Gloucester’s right.  This is the last thing we need.

King: Look, you guys.  If you have any love for me, forget this feud, whatever it’s about.  If the French knew we were fighting amongst ourselves, it would only encourage them to drive us out of France, and we’d lose everything my father fought for and won.  Are we so stupid as to lose all of France because somebody doesn’t like the colour of somebody else’s rose?–Here.  Look.  (He takes a red rose from a vase and puts it on.)  I’m putting on this red rose.  Does that mean I’m taking sides?  No.  It’s just a rose.  York and Somerset are both family to me.  We all have to cooperate and be friends.  Now this is what I’ll do.–York, I’m making you Regent in this part of France, and I’m putting you in charge of the infantry.–Somerset, I’m putting you in charge of the cavalry.  Now you’ll have to work together.  The rest of us will go back to Calais and then return to England.  I expect to hear good news from the two of you that you’ve beaten the French.–Gloucester.  (He nods to Gloucester, and they leave with the others, except for York, Warwick, Exeter, and Vernon, who linger.)

Warwick (To York): I think our young King handled that rather well.

Richard: Except for putting on the red rose.

Warwick: Forget it.  Don’t read anything into it.

Richard: Maybe I should.–But never mind.  We have more important business to deal with.

    (They leave, except Exeter.)

Exeter: It’s a good thing Richard didn’t blow up–otherwise, who knows where it might have led?–A quarrel like this is a bad omen.  It’s bad enough that we have a young King–inexperienced.  But we’re at war, too.  If we have fighting amongst ourselves, we’ll lose everything.

    (He leaves.)

Act 4, Scene 2.  [Author's note: Shakespeare doesn't explain what happened when Talbot left to seek out Burgundy, but we know that he was unsuccessful.  This scene is an extreme example of chronological inaccuracy, as Talbot's last campaign was in 1453 -- 22 years after the previous coronation and eight years after Henry's marriage to Margaret, which hasn't happened yet.]  Before the gates of Bordeaux.  Talbot comes in with Soldiers (including a Trumepter).

Talbot (To the Trumpeter): Sound a call to the French.

    (The Trumpeter sounds a call.  The French General appears at the wall with French  Soldiers.)

General: Who summons us?

Talbot: Lord Talbot, general to King Henry the Sixth of England and France.  The King demands that you open the gates and accept him as your King.  If you do, we’ll have peace.  Otherwise, I’ll use all the power at my command to destroy you and your town of Bordeaux.

General: Talbot, you have terrorized us long enough.  But now the hour of your death draws near.  You can’t break in because we’re too strong.  And you can’t escape either.  Even now as I speak, you are surrounded on all sides by French forces.  You are doomed.

    (Distant drums are heard.)

General: The Dauphin and his army are coming to kill you.  Goodbye, Talbot.

    (The General and his Soldiers disappear from the wall.)

Talbot (To his Soldiers): Oh, Christ.  We’ve walked into a trap.  Lads, we’re going to have to fight for our lives.  We have no choice.–Come on.

    (They leave.)

Act 4, Scene 3.  A plain in southwest France.  York and Soldiers meet a Messenger coming in.

Richard: Any word from our scouts?

Messenger: Yes, my lord.  The Dauphin has joined up with two other armies, and they’ve gone to Bordeaux to attack Talbot.

Richard: Damn!  Where the hell is Somerset and his cavalry?  How am I supposed to help Talbot?  He’s counting on me.

    (Another messenger, Sir William Lucy, comes in.)

Richard: Sir William!

Lucy: My lord, Talbot is surrounded at Bordeaux.  If you don’t go to him immediately, he’s done for.

Richard: I need cavalry, damn it!  That bloody Somerset! 

Lucy: Talbot’s son is there, too.

Richard: Young John?  He’s trapped at Bordeaux?

Lucy: Yes.  It’s the first time they’ve seen each other in seven years.  Now it looks like they’re going to die together.

Richard: Oh, fucking hell!

    (Richard covers his face, deeply affected.  Then he collects himself and puts his hands on Lucy’s shoulders.)

Richard: Sir William–I can’t help them without Somerset’s cavalry.  He’s deliberately holding them back.  I know he is.  He hates me.–I’m sorry.

    (Richard leaves with his Soldiers.)

Lucy: Is this the way it ends for Talbot?  He dies because of a feud between two commanders?  (He looks up at heaven.)  If there’s a miracle left in heaven, we need it now.–The ghost of Henry the Fifth will never forgive us for such stupidity.

    (Lucy leaves.)

Act 4, Scene 4.  Another plain in southwest France.  Somerset comes in with one of Talbot’s Captains.

Somerset: It’s too late, Captain.  I can’t send them now.

Captain: But my lord!–

Somerset: Talbot shouldn’t have gone out there in the first place.  But he always has to be a big hero.  And York encouraged him.  The whole thing was a bad idea.  If I send my cavalry out now, they could all be lost.

Captain: But my lord–Wait, here’s Sir William Lucy.

    (Lucy comes in.)

Somerset: Hello, Lucy.  Who sent you?

Lucy (With restrained anger): Who sent me, sir?  Lord Talbot.  He expected help from you, and he never got it.  Thanks to you, he’s probably going to die.

Somerset: Don’t pin it on me.  York sent him out there.  He’s responsible for helping him.

Lucy: York says he was waiting for your cavalry and you held them back.

Somerset: He’s a liar.  He could’ve sent the cavalry at the beginning if he’d wanted to.  Anyway, I don’t owe him anything.  He’s not my friend.

Lucy: And so Talbot has to die because of that?  Is that it?

Somerset (Hesitating): I could send the cavalry.–They could reach him in six hours.

Lucy: By that time he’ll either be a prisoner or dead.  Probably dead.

Somerset: If he’s dead, he’s dead.  A hero for England.  It’s the way he would’ve wanted it.

Lucy: Talbot will be remembered as a hero, all right.  But how will you be remembered–Lord Somerset?

    (Somerset walks away, annoyed.)

Act 4, Scene 5.  Near Bordeaux.  Talbot comes in with his son, John.

Talbot: I never should have brought you on this campaign, my boy.  I wanted to teach you the art of war while I was still able to fight.  But now you have to get away.  You have to save yourself.

John: What?  You expect me to run?  Me–the son of Lord Talbot?  I couldn’t disgrace myself like that.

Talbot: John, you’re the last of the Talbots.  The family name must go on.  If you stay here, you’ll die.  I want you to go.

John: No!

Talbot: No one will hold it against you.  I want you to live.

John: Live a life without honour?  A life without honour is not worth living.  You taught me that, father.

    (Talbot burst into tears and hugs his son.)

Talbot: My son–

John: I couldn’t leave you any more than I could cut myself in two.

Talbot: Then we shall live or die–together.

    (They leave.)

Act 4, Scene 6.  This scene is deleted.

Act 4, Scene 7.  Near the battlefield.  Distant sounds of battle.  Talbot comes in with a Servant.

Talbot: Where is my boy?  Did you see him fight?  Did you see how brave he was?  He was wounded, but he kept on fighting.  He protected me when I was down.  Did you see?

Servant: My lord, they are bringing him now.

    (Soldiers come in, carrying John’s body.)

Talbot: My son!

    (He hugs John’s body.)

Soldiers: We’re so sorry, my lord.

    (Talbot, in tears, forces a smile.)

Talbot: It’s all right.–A Talbot is not afraid to die.

    (He dies holding his son’s body.  The Soldiers kneel beside him.  Then Charles, Alenc,on, Burgundy, the Bastard, and Joan come in.  The French victory is suggested.)

Charles: So.  Lord Talbot, the scourge of France, is dead.  If York and Somerset had come to his rescue, I don’t think we would’ve won.

Bastard: His son fought well for his first time in battle.

Joan: I met him on the field and challenged him, but he wouldn’t fight me.  He said it was unworthy of a Talbot to kill a woman.

Burgundy: I’m sorry to see him die.  He would’ve made a splendid knight someday.

    (Sir William Lucy comes in, escorted by a French Herald.)

Herald (To Charles): Sir William Lucy, my lord.

Lucy: Where is my general?  Where is Talbot?

Charles (Pointing): There.  With his son.

    (Lucy kneels beside the bodies.)

Lucy: Talbot–my general.–(To Charles)  Will you allow me to take their bodies to be buried?

Joan: Yes, take them.  We don’t want them stinking up our land with their rotting corpses.

Lucy (Angrily): There will be no rotting corpses, lady!  From their ashes will arise a phoenix that will take revenge on France!

Charles (Mockingly): Mm–yes–indeed.  Take them away then and wait for your phoenix to rise up.  We’re going to Paris to celebrate.  (To his party)  Come along, everyone.

    (The French leave.)

Act 5, Scene 1.  The King’s palace in London.  King Henry comes in with Gloucester and Exeter.

Gloucester: The ambassadors from the Pope, the Emperor Sigismund, and the Earl of Armagnac are here.  They all want us to make peace with France.

King: What should we do, uncle?

Gloucester: Let’s make peace and stop the bloodshed.

King: Yes.  England and France shouldn’t be fighting.  We’re both Christian, after all.

Gloucester: Christian or not, the sooner we make peace, the better.  The Earl of Armagnac is offering you his daughter in marriage, along with a generous dowry.  He’s a very important noble–very close to the Dauphin.

King: Me get married?  I’ve never even thought of it.  I’m happy just to read my books.  And I’m so young.

Gloucester: Your father married your mother to make peace with France after we won at Agincourt.  I’m sure he would approve of your marrying a French lady to make peace.  [Author's note: Henry V married Katherine, daughter of Charles VI.]

King: Well, if you think I really should, all right.

    (Winchester, dressed as a Cardinal, comes in with the three Ambassadors.)

King: Ah, the ambassadors.–

Exeter (Aside to the audience): You see that?  Winchester’s a Cardinal now.–Asshole.

King: Welcome, gentlemen.  I’ve discussed your proposal, and I’m agreeable.  My lord of Winchester will take our reply back to France.

Gloucester: The King agrees to marry Armagnac’s daughter.

King: And I send her this ring as my pledge to her.  (He gives a ring to Gloucester.)  Uncle, you can escort them to Dover and see them off.

Ambassadors: Thank you, my lord!

    (All leave except Winchester, who detains the Pope’s legate by pulling on his sleeve.)

Winchester: I’ll give you the money I promised His Holiness for making me a Cardinal.  Wait for me in the hall.

Legate: Very good, sir.

    (The Legate goes out.)

Winchester: Now that I’m a Cardinal, we’ll see who carries the most weight around here–me or Gloucester.

    (He leaves.)

Act 5, Scene 2.  [Author's note: There is a serious gap in Shakespeare's story line here.  Henry doesn't marry Armagnac's daughter.  And fresh hostilities have broken out between England and France.  Historically, Winchester and Suffolk persuaded Henry to marry Margaret of Anjou.  We may infer that Winchester helped derail the marriage to Armagnac's daughter because he wanted to thwart Gloucester and have the greater influence with Henry.]  On the plains in western France.  Charles, Burgundy, Alenc,on, the Bastard, Reignier, and Joan come in.

Charles: My friends, I’ve received news that the Parisians are rebelling against the English.

Alenc,on: Good!  We should go there at once.

    (A Scout comes in.)

Scout: My lords!

Charles: What news?

Scout: My lord, the two parts of the English army have joined up, and they intend to attack.

Charles: Tsk!–That’s not good.–But we’ll deal with it.  After all, we have Joan with us.  She always knows what to do.–Don’t you, Joan?

Joan: My lord, I predict that if you command personally, you’ll win.

Charles: That’s good enough for me.–All right, then.  It’s decided. We attack the English.

    (They leave.)

Act 5, Scene 3.  The plains of Anjou in western France.  Sounds of thunder.  Trumpet alarms.  Joan comes in alone.

Joan: The English are winning, and the French are retreating.–Spirits, help me now!

    (Two Spirits jump in.  They look like little devils and do not speak.)

Joan: Spirits!  I have given you my blood before in return for your help.  Will you help me now?  (The Spirits frown.)  I’ll give you my body!  (The Spirits shake their heads.)  My soul, then!  You can have my soul if you’ll help me defeat the English!

    (The Spirits shake their heads and leave.)

Joan: They’ve forsaken me.  Now France is doomed.

    (Distant sounds of battle.  Richard, Duke of York, comes in suddenly, sword out, suggesting recent fighting.  He grabs Joan by the arm.)

Richard: Got you!  You witch!  Now let’s see if your divine powers can save you!

Joan: A plague on you, Duke of York!  May the devil strangle you in your bed!

Richard: Ha, ha, ha!–Save your curses for your execution.  You’re coming with me.

    (Richard drags Joan out.  Then Suffolk comes in, holding Margaret of Anjou as a prisoner.  He is smiling, however.)

Suffolk: Don’t be afraid, young lady.  I won’t hurt you.  Who are you?

Margaret: I am Margaret, daughter of Lord Reignier, King of Naples and Duke of Anjou.  Who are you?

Suffolk: I’m the Earl of Suffolk.  My, my, you are a beautiful girl.  If I weren’t already married, I’d ask your father for your hand.

Margaret: My father will pay a ransom for me.  How much do you want?

Suffolk (Aside to the audience): Her father’s broke.  He lost all his lands to us.  Maybe I can make a deal.–Now, then, my lovely princess, how would you like to be a queen?

Margaret: Monsieur, what do you mean?

Suffolk: How would you like to marry King Henry?

Margaret: But I’m only fifteen, monsieur.  My father must decide whom I marry.

Suffolk: Then we’ll ask him.  (Calling to a Trumpeter offstage)  Trumpeter!  Sound a parley for Lord Reignier!

    (The Trumpet sounds.  Then Reignier comes in.)

Reignier: Who are you?  What are you doing with my daughter?

Margaret: Papa, I am a prisoner!

Reignier: Monsieur, I beg you.  Don’t hurt her. 

Suffolk: I wouldn’t hurt her.  I like her.  I’m the Earl of Suffolk.

Reignier: What do you want from me–a ransom?

Suffolk: No, no, no.  I want to help you and your daughter.

Reignier: How do you mean?

Suffolk: Would you let your daughter marry King Henry?  I can arrange it.  It would make peace between England and France.

Reignier: Well–I–I don’t know.  She’s so young.

Suffolk: She’ll be well taken care of, I assure you.  King Henry will adore her.  And I’ll be a good friend to her.  I’ll be someone she can talk to–you know–a wise older man.  I can tell she’s a wonderful girl.  Please say yes.  I promise you won’t regret it–and neither will she.

Reignier: Perhaps you’re aware of my–situation.  I will agree if I can have my lands back–Maine and Anjou.

Suffolk: I will arrange it.  So, do we have a deal?

    (Reignier and Margaret whisper confidentially for a moment.)

Reignier: Yes.  It’s a deal.

Suffolk: Very good, sir.  Then I leave her in your care for now.

Reignier: Thank you, sir.  I’m grateful to you.

    (Reignier and Margaret leave.)

Suffolk (To the audience): That girl is a knockout.  Wait till I tell the King about her.  He’ll be thrilled.  And that’ll be a boost for me, you can be sure of that.

    (He leaves.)

Act 5, Scene 4.  Rouen.  York, Warwick, a Shepherd, Joan, and Soldiers come in.  Joan is a prisoner.

Richard: Joan de Pucelle, you are condemned to die by burning at the stake.

Shepherd: No! No!  She’s my daughter!  Don’t kill her!

Joan: You miserable shepherd!  I don’t know you!  I come from a better class of people!

Shepherd: My lords, she is my daughter.

Warwick (To Joan): What an evil girl!  You deny your own father?

Richard: It just proves how wicked she is.

Joan: You dug him up on purpose to tell lies about my birth.

Shepherd: Lies?  Oh, you are wicked!  He’s right.  Take your punishment, then.

Richard (To the Soldiers): Take her away.  We’ve put up with her long enough.

Joan: Wait!  Do you know who I am?  I am the daughter of kings!  I am divinely chosen to do miracles!  That’s why you hate me!  Because I am so graced!  You accuse me of consorting with devils, but I am a virgin!  I am pure!

Richard: What a load of crap.

Warwick: Make sure the fire’s really big.

Joan: Wait!  Would you execute a pregnant woman?

Richard: You just said you were a virgin.

Warwick: Maybe she thinks she’s another Virgin Mary.

Richard: She’s been fucking Charles.  That’s it.

Warwick: Well, I don’t mind burning a bastard son of the Dauphin.

Joan: No!  It’s not the Dauphin.  It’s–Alenc,on.

Richard: That son of a bitch?  That won’t help you either.

Joan: No!  Wait.  It isn’t Alenc,on.  It’s–Reignier, the King of Naples.

Warwick: A married man?–Tsk! Tsk!

Richard: She’s fucked so many men, it could be anyone.

Warwick: What a slut.

Richard: Lady, I don’t care what’s in your belly or who your father is either.  You’re going to be executed.

Joan: Then I put a curse on you and all of England!  May you all die of plague!

Richard (To the Soldiers): Take her away.

    (The Soldiers take Joan out.  Then Winchester and his Attendants come in.  He is dressed as a Cardinal.)

Winchester: My lord of York, I come from King Henry.  The Pope has urged peace with France, and the Dauphin and his party are coming to discuss it with you.

Richard: What the hell?  We’re supposed to make peace just when we were winning?  What were we fighting for all this time?–Warwick, we’re going to lose everything.

Warwick: Don’t worry.  If we make peace with France, it’ll be on our terms.  They won’t get any gifts from us.

    (Charles, Alenc,on, the Bastard, and Reignier come in.)

Charles: Greetings, lords of England!  We’ve come to make peace.–Um–what sort of terms did you have in mind–specifically?

Richard (Annoyed): The Cardinal will speak.  I seem to have a bitter taste in my mouth.

Winchester: Yes.  All right.  (To Charles)  King Henry, out of kindness and compassion, has decided that if you submit to his authority and pay him tribute, you will be made Viceroy of France.

Charles: Viceroy?  What the hell good is that?  Half of France already recognizes me as King.–Forget it.  No deal.

Richard: You’re not getting any better deal than that.  You’d better accept it, or we’ll just have to drag the war out indefinitely.

Reignier (Aside to Charles): Just say yes.

Alenc,on (Aside to Charles): You can always go back on it later.

Warwick: Well, my lord?  Deal or no deal?

Charles: Yes.  Deal.

Richard: Awesome.  Then swear your allegiance to King Henry and promise that you and your nobles will never rebel against England.

Charles: I promise.

    (All the Lords spit on their palms and exchange handshakes.)

Richard: Brilliant.

    (Scene ends without an exit.)

Act 5, Scene 5.  The palace in London.  King Henry, Suffolk, Gloucester, and Exeter come in.  Suffolk and the King are in the middle of a conversation.

Suffolk (To the King): I tell you, my lord, she’s the hottest girl I’ve ever seen.

King: Suffolk, you’re geting me really excited.  Is she really, like, you know–hot?

Suffolk: You bet she is–in a virginal way, of course.  Imagine–only fifteen years old.  With the body of a goddess.  She’s got boobs like you’ve never seen.  And a nice, round butt.  And long, shapely legs.  And she’s all yours.  She’s a dream girl.  She’ll do anything you want.  You can command her.  Her only wish is to satisfy you.  Just think of it, my lord!

King (Wide-eyed): Oh, God–oh, God–I can hardly think straight.  I’m all dizzy just thinking about it.–Yes–yes–yes–I want to marry her.

Gloucester (Coughs): Ahem–my lord, you did promise to marry Armagnac’s daughter.

Suffolk: The King can change his mind if he wants.  Besides, Armagnac’s daughter is–you know–not quite good enough for a king.

Gloucester: Oh, and Margaret is better?  Does Reignier rank higher than Armagnac?

Suffolk: Reignier is the King of Naples–and Jerusalem–and he’ll keep the French in line with us.

Gloucester: Who’s closer to the Dauphin–Reignier or Armagnac?  Armagnac is.  He’s related to him.

Exeter: And he’s rich.  Reignier is broke.

Suffolk: Oh, money, money, money!  Why does everything have to be about money?  The King doesn’t need anyone else’s money.  Just look in his eyes.  He’s thinking only of love.  (The King nods, eyes wide, as if in a trance.)  Isn’t it better that he should marry the girl that he wants, rather than have other people choose for him?  After all, he’ll be–sleeping with her!–every night for the rest of his life.  (The King nods again, as before.)  And Margaret is perfect for him.  She’s the daughter of a king.  Their children will be conquerors–at least the boys.–Now, am I right or am I right?

King: You’re right, Suffolk.  I’m convinced, after everthing you’ve told me.  I’ll leave it to you to make the arrangements to bring her here.  Spare no expense.  We’ll levy a special tax on everyone–one-fifteenth of income.  (To Gloucester) Uncle, don’t be angry with me for making up my own mind.–I need to go and sit down and calm myself.  Come along if you like.

    (The King leaves.  Gloucester is obviously unhappy.)

Gloucester: Suffolk, why do I get the feeling that you have some ulterior motive here?

Suffolk: Me, my lord?  Perish the thought!  I want only peace for England and happiness for the King–just as you do.

    (Gloucester frowns and then nods to Exeter to follow him, and the two of them go out, leaving Suffolk alone.  Suffolk now addresses the audience directly.)

Suffolk: And now I go to France to bring back Margaret of Anjou to be Henry’s Queen.  Margaret will rule Henry, but I will rule Margaret–and Henry–and England–if you follow.  And so we leave you with this pearl of wisdom–from me, the Earl of Suffolk.–If you can’t be the head of the Kingdom–be the neck.

    (He leaves.)

END

    Copyright@ 2011 by Crad Kilodney.  E-mail: crad166@yahoo.com

Main Characters

King Henry V

Humphrey, Duke of Gloucester; John, Duke of Bedford; Thomas, Duke of Clarence — brothers of King Henry

Duke of Exeter — Henry’s uncle, and a military commander

Duke of York — Henry’s cousin

Earls of Salisbury, Westmoreland, and Warwick — advisors and military commanders of Henry

Archbishop of Canterbury

Bishop of Ely

Cambridge, Scroop, and Grey — traitors to Henry (Additional info is given in Act 2, Scene 2.)

Erpingham, Gower, Fluellen, Macmorris, and Jamy — officers in Henry’s army

Bates, Court, and Williams — English soldiers

Nym, Bardolph, and Pistol — commoners from London serving in the English army

Boy — page to Sir John Falstaff

Hostess Quickly — proprietress of the Boar’s Head Tavern in London

English Herald

Montjoy — French Herald

French Ambassador

King of France (Unnamed by Shakespeare, but he was Charles VI)

Louis, the Dauphin (The term “Dauphin” was given to the Crown Prince of France — i.e., the heir to the throne.  Shakespeare doesn’t explain what happened to Louis at the Battle of Agincourt.  He is simply not mentioned again.  Historically, Louis was not at Agincourt and died two months afterwards from an illness.)

Queen Isabel — Queen of France

Katherine — daughter of the King of France

Alice — waiting-lady to Katherine

Governor of Harfleur

Captain of the English Bowmen (not in the original)

Constable of France

Dukes of Orleans, Bretagne, Bourbon, and Burgundy; Earl of Grandpre; Lord Rambures — French nobles

Chorus (Narrator)

(Monsieur Le Fer is deleted)

Gist of the story: Henry V is convinced that he has a claim to the throne of France, based on his ancestry.  When his demands are rebuffed, he takes an army to invade France.  After laying siege to the town of Harfleur, he marches his army north toward Calais but is confronted by much stronger French forces at Agincourt.  Despite being outnumbered by as many as six to one, the English win an astonishing and very one-sided victory.  The French are forced to make peace and accede to Henry’s demands.  Henry marries the French King’s daughter, Katherine, and is named heir to the throne of France.

(The Battle of Agincourt on October 25, 1415, is one of the most noteworthy battles in military history and is the focus of the play.  You will find an excellent article about it on Wikipedia.  If you search the location on Google Maps, be sure to search “Azincourt”, not “Agincourt”.  The historic Agincourt is now called Azincourt; what appears on the maps now as Agincourt is a different, unrelated place.  The numbers involved in the battle are not known for sure, but a rough estimate would be 10,000 English versus 60,000 French.  Several factors contributed to the English victory: 1) the configuration of the battlefield largely neutralized the numerical superiority of the French; 2) muddy turf caused the heavily-armoured French to sink into it; 3) English bowmen equipped with longbows were extremely effective; 4)  there was a lack of control by the French over their attack.  The play is very nationalistic in tone, and Henry is presented as heroic.  If you’re a war-lover, you’ll love this play.  If you’re a peacenick, you’ll hate it.  Some scholars judge Henry harshly for what they consider to be acts of cruelty, but  Shakespeare glosses over them.  His audiences wanted victory, glory, and a hero for England, and that’s what they got.  Historical note: Shakespeare compresses time and gives us the impression that peace between England and France came quickly after the Battle of Agincourt.  In fact, the Treaty of Troyes was not signed until 1420.)

Prologue.  The Chorus (a narrator) comes in.

Chorus: Good evening, lovers of history–lovers of war!–For what else makes history?–Tonight we take you back in time to 1415, when the audacious and fearless King Henry the Fifth took his small army to France, to a place called Agincourt, and there made history.  Our modest stage and humble players can only suggest what happened there.  Your imagination must fill this space with the horror–the blood–the mangled bodies–the terror–and the chaos of that historic battle.  Outnumbered six to one, the English occupied a narrow strip of land.  Their principal weapon was the longbow.  Against them was a French army with soldiers clad in heavy armour.–The French cavalry attack.  The English bowmen shoot.  The horses are struck and run back into the French lines.  The first wave of French soldiers attack, but they sink into the mud.  The second wave crushes in from behind.  The English bowmen are cutting them to pieces.  Now the fighting is hand to hand.  The French can hardly move.  They are being decimated by the English.  It’s total chaos.  It’s a calamity!–Oh, the blood!–The carnage!–Now clear your minds and prepare to see it all.  If you become frightened or squeamish, close your eyes and tell yourselves, “No!  It’s not happening!  It’s only a play!”–Ah, but it is happening–because it happened.  Protect yourselves.  Duck if you have to.  The English longbow is a deadly weapon.  And the English bowmen know how to use it.

    (He leaves.)  

Act 1, Scene 1.  An antechamber in the King’s palace in London.  The Archbishop of Canterbury and the Bishop of Ely come in.

Canterbury: If Parliament passes that bill, the church will lose more than half of its real estate.  And on top of that, we’ll have to pay a thousand pounds a year into the treasury.

Ely: It’s unthinkable.  What can we do to stop it?

Canterbury: Well, I’m counting on the King to take our side.

Ely: He loves the church.  There’s no doubt of that. 

Canterbury: He does.  And it’s remarkable because when he was younger, he was–well–you know.

Ely: A wild kid.

Canterbury: Yes.  And then when his father died, he changed completely.  He became a totally serious King.

Ely: I’m certainly glad for that.

Canterbury: And what a mind he has.  He can discuss theology, government, politics, war–anything.  He’s a learned man.  How such an intelligent King came out of such an unpromising boy is–well, it’s like a miracle.

Ely: Maybe he was really smart and serious all along, but he wanted to keep it hidden.

Canterbury: You could be right about that.

Ely: How does he feel about this bill that’s before Parliament?

Canterbury: He’s sort of neutral–maybe leaning a bit to our side.  I made him a generous offer in behalf of the church.  And I started to explain to him that he has a claim to the throne of France.  You know his great-grandfather, Edward the Third, was related to Philip the Fourth of France.  Philip was Edward’s grandfather.

Ely: Yes, yes.  Philip’s daughter was Isabella, and she married Edward the Second.  And their son was Edward the Third.  What did he say about that?

Canterbury: He was interested, but I didn’t get a chance to explain it in detail because just then the French ambassador showed up and wanted to speak to him.  They’re probably in conference right now.

Ely: I’d sure like to know what they’re saying.

Canterbury: Yes.–Why don’t we, you know, sort of barge in?  After all, I’m the Archbishop of Canterbury, and you’re the Bishop of Ely.  I think we can do that.

Ely: Yes, I should think so.  Let’s go.

    (They leave.)

Act 1, Scene 2.  In the King’s palace.  King Henry comes in with his three brothers–Humphrey, Duke of Gloucester; John, Duke of Bedford; Thomas, Duke of Clarence–and the Duke of Exeter, the Earl of Warwick, and the Earl of Westmoreland, plus Attendants.

King Henry: Where’s the Archbishop of Canterbury?

Exeter: He’s not here.

Westmoreland: Do you want to speak to the French ambassador, my lord?

King Henry: Not yet.  I wanted to talk to Canterbury about this matter of the French throne.

    (Canterbury and Ely come in.)

Canterbury: God’s blessings on you, sir!

King Henry: Ah, there you are, Canterbury–and my lord of Ely.–Welcome.

Ely: God save you, sir.

King Henry: Thank you.  You two came in at just the right time.–Canterbury, I need you to clear up this business about that so-called Salic law that they have in France.  Does it mean that I do or I don’t have a claim to the throne of France?  And don’t bullshit me either, because I don’t want to drag thousands of men into a war if I don’t have proper justification.

Canterbury: I won’t bullshit you, my lord.  I’ve studied this matter very carefully, and I know I’m right.  The Salic law says that the right of inheritance can only pass through sons, not daughters.  However, that was only meant to apply to certain lands settled by the French in Germany.  They made that law because the German women were unsuitable to inherit property.  The French themselves have ignored it when it suited them.  In two instances claims to the throne have been made based on a line of descent through a female.  So they can’t use the Salic law against you now.  Edward the Third was the son of Edward the Second and Isabella of France.  Isabella was the second child of Philip the Fourth.  His first child was Louis the Tenth.  He died without any heirs.  Isabella was next in line after Louis, but she was skipped over.  They’ve had six kings since then.

King Henry: Well!  They sure are a bunch of nervy bastards, aren’t they?

Canterbury: They sure are.

King Henry: They probably thought no one would notice, and after a while no one would even remember.

Canterbury: Aha!  Nothing slips past the church, my lord.  We’re too clever. 

King Henry: So I’m perfectly justified to demand the throne of France, and if the French say no, I can make war on them.

Canterbury: Yes, indeed–and you should.  Think of your ancestors–your great-grandfather Edward the Third and your great-uncle Edward the Black Prince, who slaughtered those miserable French left and right. 

Ely: You’re just like them, my lord.  You’re powerful.  You’re brave.  And you’re in the prime of life.  Victory and glory are waiting for you.

Exeter: It’s in your blood, my lord.  You’re Henry the Fifth.  Every king in the world knows what he’d do in your place, and probably wishes he were.

Westmoreland: It’s plain as day, my lord.  You’ve got good reason on your side.  You have the army.  You have the money.  Everyone’s behind you.

Canterbury: Especially the church.  And we’ve got deep pockets.

King Henry: It’s good.  It’s good.  I like it.  But what about the Scots?  If we take our army to France, they’ll invade while we’re gone.

Canterbury: You don’t have to take all your forces.  Take one-fourth.  That’s plenty.

Westmoreland: Right.  The French suck when it comes to fighting.

Exeter: You said it.

King Henry: Right, right, right.–Okay, then.  I’ll take the throne of France–or die trying.–Now let me talk to the French ambassador.

    (He nods to somebody, who goes out and returns immediately with the French Ambassador and his Aide.  The Aide is holding a box.)

Ambassador: Greetings, your Majesty.

King Henry: Welcome.  I understand that you come from the Dauphin, not the King.  Is that right?

Ambassador: Yes, my lord–Prince Louis.

King Henry: And what does he have to say?

Ambassador: Recently, my lord, you sent word to the King that you were claiming certain dukedoms in France in the name of Edward the Third.  The Prince says that your claim is absurd and frivolous.  And he sends you this gift, which he says will better occupy your time.

    (The Aide puts the box on the floor.)

King Henry (To Exeter): Uncle, why don’t you open it.

    (Exeter opens the box and takes out several tennis balls.)

Exeter: Tennis balls.

King Henry: The Dauphin has such a sense of humour, doesn’t he?  I should take my tennis racket to France and slam those balls into his head.  But I have an even better idea.  Suppose I used cannonballs instead?

Ambassador: Oh!–Sir!

King Henry: Go back and tell your Prince that I intend to take not only the dukedoms but the throne of France itself.  But I thank him for the tennis balls anyway.  After all, we English are a sporting people.  (To the Attendants)  Show them out.

    (The Attendants excort the Ambassador and Aide out.)

Exeter: That was too cool.

King Henry: Thank you, uncle.–Now let’s start making plans–for our road trip!

    (They all leave with a trumpet flourish.)

(The Prologue to Act 2 is deleted.)

Act 2, Scene 1.  A London street.  Corporal Nym meets Lieutenant Bardolph.

Bardolph: Corporal Nym, wassup?

Nym: Lieutenant Bardolph.  Not much.

Bardolph: Are you and Ensign Pistol still on the outs with each other, or have you patched up?

Nym: I don’t care one way or the other.  It’s up to him.

Bardolph: Well, we’re all going to France with the King, so we ought to be friends, don’t you think?

Nym: Either I live or I die.  Friendship has nothing to do with it.

Bardolph: I guess you’re still sore at him because he married your old girlfriend, Nell Quickly.  [Author's note: This is surprising because in Henry IV, Part Two, Nell Quickly despised Pistol.] 

Nym: Women are what they are, and men are what they are–so fuck it.

    (Pistol and Hostess Quickly come in.)

Bardolph: Here they are.  Be polite.–Hello, Pistol.  Hello, madam.  Host and hostess–how nice.

Pistol: Host?  What do you mean–host?  We’re not taking in lodgers.

Hostess Q: No.  People will think we’re running a whorehouse.

Nym: Well, that’s the sort of neighbourhood you’re in. 

Pistol (Drawing his sword): What!  Are you looking for a fight?

Nym (Drawing his sword): Are you?

Hostess: Please don’t fight!  I don’t want to see any assaults of batteries!

Nym (To Pistol): Nuts to you!

Pistol: Get a haircut, you poodle!

Nym: You want a piece of me, come and get it!

Pistol: No piece of you is worth having.  I’m above you.

Bardolph (Drawing his sword): Stop it right now!  Whoever strikes first is going to get it from me!

    (Pistol and Nym put their swords away.)

Pistol (To Nym): I’ll get you later.

Nym: No, I’ll get you.

Bardolph: Knock it off!

    (The Boy comes in.)

Boy: Master Pistol–madam–you must come at once.  Sir John Falstaff is very sick.  He’s in bed.

Hostess Q: Oh, dear.  Poor Sir John.  Ever since the King broke off with him, he hasn’t been the same.  [Author's note: Sir John Falstaff was one of King Henry's disreputable friends when he was the young "Prince Hal" in Henry IV, Parts One and Two.  When he became King, he broke off with Falstaff.] (To the Boy) Let’s go.

    (Hostess Quickly and the Boy leave.)

Bardolph: Now, are you two going to make up, or not?

Pistol: Making up is for sissies.    

Nym: You still owe me eight shillings on that bet.

Pistol: Sue me for it.

Nym: No, you pay me now.

Pistol: No, I won’t.

Bardolph: I’m getting tired of this.  You guys are going to make peace right now.

Pistol: I’ll pay him six shillings–and the rest in goodwill.  How’s that?

Nym: Six shillings in cash.

Pistol: Yes.  Cash.

Nym: All right, then.

    (Hostess Quickly returns.)

Hostess Q: You’d better come right away if you want to take your leave of Sir John.  I don’t think he’s going to last much longer. 

Nym: Too bad.  And all because the King rejected him.

Pistol: Broke his heart in a thousand pieces, and each one smaller than the others.

Nym: Still, we mustn’t blame the King.  He does what he thinks is right.

Pistol: Anyway, we’d better go see Sir John before the angels take him away.

Nym: Yes, we’d better.

    (They all leave.)

Act 2, Scene 2.  In Southampton.  Exeter, Bedford, and Westmoreland come in.

Bedford: When there’s a war, there are always traitors.  So, in a way, I’m not surprised.

Exeter: Some people can be bought.

Westmoreland: It’s a good think the King found out in time.

Bedford: I suppose he’ll execute them.

Exeter: Yes, without a doubt.

Westmoreland: Who would have thought it?  Cambridge, Scroop, and Grey.

Bedford: That’s what surprises me.  Three respectable men like that selling out to the French.

Westmoreland: Oh!–I see them coming.–And it looks like they don’t know they’ve been found out.  This should be interesting.

    (King Henry comes in with Cambridge, Scroop, and Grey, plus Attendants.  [Author's note: Richard, Earl of Cambridge, was from the York branch of the family tree.  He was first cousin once-removed to Henry V and grandfather to Edward IV and Richard III.  The Scroops had previously opposed Henry IV because they were loyal to Richard II, who got overthrown.  The Greys later became in-laws of Edward IV when the widow Lady Grey {a.k.a. Elizabeth Woodville, the first commoner to become Queen of England} remarried to Edward IV.])

King Henry (To Cambridge, Scroop, and Grey): It’s very nice of you fellows to come to Southampton to see me off.

Cambridge: For you, cousin, anything.  I’m only sorry to be staying behind.

Scroop and Grey: Yes, yes.

King Henry: You’ll all have important duties while I’m away killing Frenchmen–ha, ha!

Scroop: I have no doubt you’ll sweep them aside like dust.  You can count on your army, just as you can count on every citizen here at home.

Grey: Well said, Scroop.  Our King is loved by every red-blooded Englishman.

Cambridge: Lord Grey states the obvious.

King Henry: You’re all very kind.  I’m getting really psyched up for this, believe me.–Oh, before I forget.–Exeter, you remember that stupid drunk you arrested yesterday for shouting insults at me?

Exeter: Yes.  What do you want me to do with him?

King Henry: Let him go.

Exeter: Let him go?  Really?

King Henry: Sure.  The guy had too much to drink and he got stupid for a moment.  I’m willing to overlook it.

Scroop: Oh, but my lord, you must punish him–and severely.

King Henry: Nah.  It’s not that big a deal.

Cambridge: But my lord, you have to make an example of him.

Grey: Yes, yes, Cambridge is right.  You’re the King, after all.  If the man insulted you, you’ve got to punish him.

King Henry: Aw, hell.  If I punished a guy for something minor like shooting his mouth off when he was drunk, what would I do if somebody did something really serious–and assuming he was sober and had time to think about it?

Scroop: Let the punishment fit the crime, sir.  The public must see wickedness punished for the sake of their moral instruction–and your dignity.

Cambridge: Absolutely.  No question.

Grey: No one could possibly criticize you for that, my lord.  Everyone would be on your side.

King Henry: Heh, heh–ah, well.–Oh, by the way, I have your commissions .  These will authorize you to do certain things in my absence.  (He hands them papers.)  I hope they meet with your approval.

    (Cambridge, Scroop, and Grey read the papers and are shocked.)

Cambridge: My lord–I–I confess.

Scroop: My lord–I don’t know what to say.

Grey (On his knees): My lord–have mercy on us.

King Henry: Oh, now you believe in mercy, do you?  A minute ago you wanted me to punish some poor slob for shooting his mouth off.  And for something more serious, well, let the punishment fit the crime–in this case, conspiring to assassinate the King.

Scroop: My lord–we’re sorry.

King Henry: You guys are a big disappointment to me.  Accepting money to kill me.  Are you that hard up?  Or do you really hate me that much?–Don’t bother to say anything.  You’ll only lose what little dignity you have left.–Cambridge, my own cousin.  I never did a bad thing to you in my life.  I was always good to you.  I always respected you.–And you, Scroop.  I trusted you.  I confided in you.  I sought your advice.  Anything you wanted from me, you would’ve gotten–like that (Snaps his fingers).–And you, Grey–the epitome of the proper noble Englishman.  You would’ve murdered your King and sold out your country.–I don’t know what devil came out of hell to turn you men into traitors.  You’re a disgrace.  All you can do is ask God to forgive your sins.  You won’t get any mercy from me.

    (Westmoreland beckons offstage, and several Guards come in immediately.)

Westmoreland (To the Guards): Take them away for execution.

    (The Guards take out the three traitors.)

King Henry: Thank you, cousin.  (He takes a deep breath.) Well!  Now that that’s taken care of, I’m sure God really is on our side.  Let’s get ready to sail.

    (They all leave.)

Act 2, Scene 3.  Outside the Boar’s Head Tavern in London.  Pistol, Nym, Bardolph, the Boy, and Hostess Quickly come in.

Hostess Q: Husband, let me go with you as far as Staines.

Pistol: No, don’t bother.  Stay and mind the store.  Besides, I’m too depressed over Falstaff’s death.

Nym: It’s so sad.

Boy: Yes.  He was my master.  I liked him.

Bardolph: I wish I were with him now–either in heaven or in hell.

Hostess Q: Oh, he’s not in hell.  He’s with the innocent souls.  (Sighs)  I knew he was approaching the end.  He was fumbling with the sheets and complaining how cold he was.  And he was cold, too.  I felt his feet.  Cold as ice.

Nym: I heard he cursed against drinking.

Hostess Q: Yes.

Bardolph: And women.

Hostess: No, not women.

Boy: Yes.  He said they were devils incarnate.

Hostess Q: Well, he never liked the colour of carnations.

Boy: He cursed against the Whore of Babylon.  Did he know her?

Hostess Q: Certainly not.  He was never in Babylon in his whole life.

Nym: We should get moving.  The King’s probably already left Southampton.

Pistol: Yes, yes.–My dear, give me a kiss.  (He kisses Hostess Quickly.)  And remember what I told you.  In God we trust, but all others pay cash.  Watch your expenses.  And stay home.  Don’t go anywhere.

Hostess Q: Yes, yes.

Pistol: All right, fellows, let’s be off.  We’ll drink the blood of the French!

Boy: Ewww!

Pistol: Figuratively speaking.

    (The others say goodbye to Hostess Quickly and then all leave.)

Act 2, Scene 4.  In the palace of the French King.  The King comes in with the Dauphin, the Constable of France, and various Lords.  [Author's note: Since Shakespeare doesn't refer to the King by name, his speech prefix is simply "France".])

France: The English army is already on French soil, so you lords had better put up a show of force.  We don’t want to underestimate them.  We must prepare our defenses.

Dauphin: Of course, we should prepare, father, but I don’t take that English King seriously.  He’s just a young jerk.

Constable: I disagree, my lord Prince.  Just ask the ambassador how King Henry received him.  He’s not the shallow kid we always assumed he was.

Dauphin: I say he is.  But it doesn’t matter.  We’ll be ready for him.

France: Don’t forget where King Henry comes from.  Think of Edward the Third and Edward the Black Prince.  You won’t find any weaklings in that family tree.

    (A Messenger comes in.)

Messenger: My lord, an ambassador from King Henry is here to see you.

France: All right.  (To the Lords)  Lords, bring him in.

    (The Messenger and some Lords go out.)

Dauphin: King Henry!  Tell him to baiser himself!  If you act tough, he’ll back off.

France: Take it easy.  I’m going to be calm about this.

    (The Lords return with Exeter and his party.)

Exeter: Greetings to your Majesty from King Henry.

France: Welcome, sir.  All right, I’m listening.

Exeter: The King demands that you give up the throne of France, which rightfully belongs to him, based on his ancestry.  I have here the proof of his claim, which is clearly established.

    (Exeter hands the King a document, which he looks at briefly.)

France: Mm–yes–well–he’s related to Isabella.  We already knew that.  And what if I just say no?

Exeter: Then he’ll take the throne by force, and many of your people will die, and it’ll be your fault.–And I have a message for the Dauphin, too, if he’s here.

Dauphin: I’m the Dauphin.  What does King Henry have to say to me?

Exeter: My King would convey his contempt for you suitably if his French were better.  Suffice it to say that if your father does not agree to his demands, he will reply to your tennis ball insult with a generous dose of English steel.

Dauphin: You can tell your King that I look forward to fighting him if he’s stupid enough to pick a fight with us.

Exeter: You misjudge my King at your own peril.

France: Peace!–Both of you.–(To Exeter)  I want to think about it.  I’ll give you an answer tomorrow.

Exeter: Don’t make my King wait too long.  He’s in a fighting mood.

France: Yes. yes.  Tomorrow.  (He rises.)  I believe this conference is over.

    (Everyone leaves.)  

(The Prologue to Act 3 is deleted.)

Act 3, Scene 1.  A field in France.  King Henry comes in with Exeter, Bedford, Gloucester, and Soldiers.

King Henry (Pointing): That’s Harfleur–one of their fortified towns.  And there’s where we can break through the wall.

Exeter: You could’ve cut a deal with the King of France, you know.

King Henry: Yeah, right.  Marry his daughter Katherine and get a few minor dukedoms as her dowry.  I’m not letting them get off that cheap.  (To the Soldiers and offstage by suggestion)  Get the ladders against that wall!  Attack, lads!  Show ‘em what you’re made of!  Kick their asses!  Cut ‘em to pieces!  Eat their hearts!  We are English!  Remember that!  We are English–and we conquer!–Everyone!  Let’s go!

    (All leave to sounds of battle.)

Act 3, Scene 2.  Near Harfleur, the besieged town.  Nym, Bardolph, Pistol, and the Boy come in.

Bardolph: We must attack!  Attack!  Into the breach!

    (Bardolph just stands there.  His body language shows that he doesn’t want to attack.)

Nym: Please, Lieutenant.  The fighting is too violent.  And I have a headache.  Perhaps we could wait until it’s, you know, a little quieter.

Pistol: I can see them dying from here.–Look at them.–I guess that’s the way to immortality.

Nym: No.  It’s called death.

Bardolph: Don’t say the D-word!

Boy: I want to go back to London and drink beer at the Boar’s Head.

Pistol: You and me both.

    (Fluellen comes in.)

Fluellen: What are you guys hanging around here for?  Get in there and fight!

Pistol: Oh, please, Captain Fluellen.  Be a pal.  Don’t send us in there.

Nym: I have an upset stomach.  I can’t go to war today.  Excuse me.

    (Nym runs away.)

Bardolph and Pistol: Me, too!

    (Bardolph and Pistol run away.)

Fluellen: Hey, wait!  You come back here!

    (Fluellen leaves, chasing them.  The Boy is left alone.)

Boy: What a bunch of fakers–Bardolph, Pistol, and Nym.  The only thing they’re good for is looting.  In Calais they stole a shovel and sold it for a nickel.  And they expect me to steal, too.  I may be young, but I know enough not to waste my time serving losers like them.–Excuse me, I gotta go wee.

    (He leaves.  Then Fluellen returns and meets Gower coming in from the other side.)

Gower: Captain Fluellen, you’re needed at the tunnels.  The Duke of Gloucester wants to talk to you.

Fluellen: Oh, to hell with the tunnels.  He’s doing them all wrong.  He doesn’t understand the tactics.  The enemy is digging right underneath us.  They’ll blow us up–don’t you see?

Gower: Well, Gloucester’s in charge of the siege, and he’s been getting advice from Captain Macmorris.

Fluellen: Pfff!–That Irishman.–Macmorris is an idiot.  What does he know about tactics?  He hasn’t studied the Romans the way I have.

Gower: Well, you can tell him so.  Here he comes with Captain Jamy, the Scottish captain.

Fluellen: Oh, good.  Jamy understands these things.

    (Macmorris and Jamy come in.)

Jamy: Hello, Captain Fluellen.

Fluellen: Hello, Captain Jamy–Captain Macmorris.

Macmorris: Hello.

Gower: Captain Macmorris, are the tunnels finished?

Macmorris: No.  We stopped work when the retreat was sounded.  The whole thing’s a mess.  I could’ve blown up the whole town in an hour.

Fluellen: Ah–yes–I wanted to discuss this tactical point with you–within the context of the Roman wars–purely a point of technicality, you understand–to make sure I’m not drawing the wrong conclusions from the battles of Drepanum in 249 B.C. and Aegates in 241 B.C.–which, I think, are fair examples of–

Jamy: What?

Macmorris: Hey, there’s a siege going on.  This is no time for an academic discussion.  We have to get in there and kill Frenchmen.

Jamy: Yes, we’ll do that.  Hold on.–What did you want to say, Captain Fluellen?

Fluellen: I just wanted to ask Captain Macmorris–Now, sir, if I may have a word.  There are not too many of your country–

Macmorris (Angrily): What do you mean–my country?  Is there something wrong with my country?

Fluellen: Now, sir, you mustn’t take offense where none is intended–especially since I’m as good a man as you, and my country is as good as yours.

Macmorris: Is that so?  As a proud Irishman, I ought to–(Raises his fist).

Gower: Now, now, come on, both of you.  You’re being hypersensitive.

Jamy: Yes.  One mustn’t be hypersensitive–especially in wartime.

    (A trumpet sounds.)

Gower: Oh!–Sounds like the town is asking for a cease-fire.  They must be wanting to negotiate.

Macmorris: That’s fine with me.

    (Macmorris starts to leave, with the others following.  Fluellen is speaking as they go out.)

Fluellen: Captain Macmorris, when we have a few minutes, I’d like to explain to you about the Roman tactics, which I’ve studied–especially the Punic Wars and, of course, Caesar’s conquest of–

Act 3, Scene 3.  Outside the wall of Harfleur.  King Henry comes in with his party.  The heads of citizens and the Governor of Harfleur appear at the top of the wall.

King Henry: Governor of Harfleur, I’ve given you time to think it over.  Surrender the town or I’ll destroy it, building by building, right down to the foundations.  I’ll cut the throat of every man, I’ll strangle your children, and I’ll let my soldiers rape all your women.  And it’ll all be your fault.  So what’s it gonna be?

Governor: We asked the Dauphin to send help, but he’s not able to at this time.  It’s pointless for us to continue to resist.  Therefore, we surrender the town to you and place ourselves at your mercy.  We are opening the gates.

    (The Governor’s face disappears.  Then the gates open.)

King Henry (To Exeter): Exeter, you’re in charge of securing the town.  Get ready in case the French show up.  We’ll stay here tonight, but tomorrow I have to take most of the army and march them to Calais and get them back to England.  This siege took longer than I expected, and I don’t want to be fighting when the winter comes.  I’ve got a lot of sick men.

Exeter: All right.

    (They all leave through the gates.)

Act 3, Scene 4.  This scene is deleted.  

Act 3, Scene 5.  The palace at Rouen.  The King of France comes in with the Dauphin, the Constable, the Duke of Bretagne, and other Lords and Attendants.  [Author's note: Some texts have the Duke of Bourbon instead of the Duke of Bretagne.]

France: He must be across the River Somme by now.

Constable: If we don’t stop him, he’ll take over the whole country.

Dauphin: These are the ancestors of the Normans, you know.  Normans mating with barbarians.  And now they’re coming back.

Bretagne: Fucking Normans!  I’ll die in a pig sty before I lose my estate to those sons of bitches!

Constable: I don’t know where they get their spirit.  They live in a country with a miserable climate.  They eat the worst food of anybody.  I mean, would you eat English food?

Bretagne: Ugh!  It’s hardly fit for dogs.

Constable: And what do they drink?  Bitter beer.  It’s disgusting.

Bretagne: Dreadful stuff.

Constable: And everyone knows they’re a cold-blooded people.  How can they be doing this to us?

Dauphin: Our women think we’re all wimps.  They say that French men just don’t have any balls any more, so they might as well marry the English and have normal children.

France: Where’s Montjoy?  Where’s my herald?  I want to send him to the English King and see if we can put a stop to this.–You, Lord Constable, muster all our forces.–And all of you lords.  I’m depending on you.  Pass the word.  I want every duke, every baron, and every kinght to collect all their forces.  Orleans–Bourbon–Berri–Brabant–Chatillon–Beaumont–Fauconberg–I want everyone in on this.  I want to crush those English bastards.  And I want you to bring me that English King here as a prisoner.

Constable: We can muster five or six times as many men as he has.  When he sees what he’s facing, he’ll know he’s done for.  He’ll have to pay a ransom to be allowed to leave in one piece.

France: Right.  That’s a good idea.  I’ll send Montjoy to deliver an ultimatum and see what that English criminal is willing to pay for the lives of all his men.

Dauphin: What about me, father?  I want to be in this fight.

France: Well–I’ll think about it.–Lord Constable, if it comes down to war, I expect to get a good report from you.  I want to hear that this invasion has been crushed.

Constable: I promise you will, my lord.

    (They all leave.)

Act 3, Scene 6.  The English camp in Picardy.  [Author's note: Shakespeare is not specific about location.  Picardy is the historical name of a region in northwest France.  Henry's army is, indeed, across the Somme, but they had to go far out of their way to the east to get past French forces marking their position.  Now they are marching roughly northwest and are trying to get to Calais and safety.  At this point they are about forty miles short of their goal and have reached Blangy-sur-Ternoise.  On the other side of the Ternoise is the town of Maisoncelles, and just beyond that the French are blocking the way at Agincourt.]  Gower and Fluellen meet coming in from opposite sides.

Gower: Captain Fluellen, what’s happening at the bridge?

Fluellen: We’ve got it, thanks to Lord Exeter.  The French were trying to destroy it, but he chased them off.

Gower: That’s a relief.  We need that bridge to get to Calais.

Fluellen: Oh, and there was a very brave man who fought on our side–an ensign named Pistol.

Gower: Pistol?  Do I know him?

Fluellen: Here he comes now.

    (Pistol comes in.)

Pistol: Captain Fluellen, I need to ask a favour of you.

Fluellen: Of course.  What is it?

Pistol: Well, you see, a friend of mine–a good, loyal soldier named Bardolph–he’s in a bit of trouble.  It seems he, uh–well, he sort of–stole–a holy object from a church, and Lord Exeter intends to hang him for it.  Now, really, sir, is one little trinket from a church worth hanging a man for?  You’re friends with Lord Exeter.  Surely you can talk to him and get him to change his mind.

Fluellen: Ah, I see.  A case of looting.  That sort of thing does happen sometimes in war, unfortunately.

Pistol: Exactly, sir.  It’s not like it’s a big deal or something.

Fluellen: Oh, but it is a big deal.  We’re not going to allow looting.  Lord Exeter is entirely within his rights to hang the man.

Pistol: But sir!

Fluellen: It’s a question of discipline, don’t you see?

Pistol: Discipline!–And I thought you were a good guy.  Well, to hell with you!

    (Pistol walks out.)

Fluellen: I don’t care.

Gower: Now I remember that guy!  Pistol!  Why, he’s nothing but a petty thief.

Fluellen: Oh?  I thought he was a good soldier, actually.  He told me how he had fought at the bridge.–Well, it’s all right.  He’s just upset about his friend.

Gower: Take my word for it, he’s a goddamn phoney.  He’s no good.  Don’t let him fool you.  I know his type.  He’s no military hero.  He’s a fraud.

Fluellen: Really?–Oh.–I didn’t realize.–Well, then, I’ll just have a word with him when I get a chance.

    (King Henry and Gloucester come in, with Soldiers.)

Fluellen: Your Majesty!

King Henry: Fluellen, what’s the situation at the bridge?

Fluellen: Your uncle the Duke of Exeter has secured the bridge.  And I can tell you that he fought very bravely.

King Henry: What were our losses?

Fluellen: No losses, my lord.  The French got all the worst of it.–Oh, but there is one man on our side that Lord Exeter intends to hang for robbing a church.  His name is Bardolph.  Do you know him, sir?

King Henry: Yes, I know him.  He’s a drunk and a thief.  Let him hang.  I can’t allow looting here in France.  I’m going to be the next King.  I don’t want these people to feel mistreated.

    (A trumpet sounds.  Montjoy, the French Herald, comes in.)

Montjoy: I come from the King of France, sir.

King Henry: Yeah, I can see you’re a herald.  All right, what’s the message?

Montjoy: Sir, the King of France says he could have wiped you out at Harfleur, but he thought it better to wait.  Now he expects to be paid compensation for all the damage you’ve caused and all the losses to our citizens.  If you persist in this foolish enterprise, you will only be guaranteeing the deaths of everyone in your army.

King Henry: Interesting.–Nice shoes, by the way.  Did you get them in Paris?

Montjoy: No, sir.  Rouen.

King Henry: I’ll have to go shopping there, first chance I get.  So what’s your name?

Montjoy: Montjoy.

King Henry: Well, I tell you what, Montjoy.  You go back and tell your King that we intend to march straight up to Calais.  I’m not looking for a fight, because, frankly, I’ve got a lot of sick, hungry men.  But I won’t run from a fight either.  If he tries to stop us, we’ll just have to fight our way through, and I don’t care how big an army he’s got.  And as for compensation, forget it.  He can have my body if he thinks he can kill me.  But you can have this for your trouble.  (He hands Montjoy a small bag of money.)  Go buy yourself some socks or something.

Montjoy: Thank you, my lord.  I will deliver your answer.

    (Montjoy leaves.)  

Gloucester: You know, we could’ve gone to Calais by ship.  It would’ve been safe.

King Henry: Well, it’s too late for that now.  Besides, if I’m going to be the King of France, I’ll march through any damn part of the country I feel like.

    (They all leave.)

Act 3, Scene 7.  The French camp near Agincourt.  The Constable of France, Lord Rambures, the Duke of Orleans, and the Dauphin come in.  It is nighttime.

Constable: I’ve got the best armour in the world.

Orleans: Yes, but I have the best horse.

Dauphin: Hey, what about my armour and my horse?

Orleans: They’re both great, my lord.

Dauphin: My horse is the best.  He’s like Pegasus.  He practically flies.  Nobody’s got a horse like him.

Constable: Yes, he’s a fine horse, all right.

Dauphin: Fine?  Why, he’s legendary.

Orleans: He’s not old enough to be legendary.  But we can agree that he’s a very good horse.

Dauphin: I once wrote a poem about him.  It began, “Oh, wonder of nature…”

Orleans: That’s just like a poem I read about somebody’s mistress.

Dauphin: Well, then he stole the idea from me.  My horse is just like a mistress.

Constable: He gave you a bit of a rough ride yesterday.

Dauphin: He was just getting used to a new saddle, that’s all.  Believe me, he’s as dependable and faithful as a mistress.

Constable: I’m sure you’re an expert, sir–on horses, I mean.

Dauphin: Just watch what we do tomorrow.  I’ll be filling the road with dead Englishmen.

Constable: I’ll be sure to step around them.–Ach, I wish morning would come.  This waiting is killing me.

Rambures: Anyone want to bet twenty prisoners with me?  We’ll roll dice for them.

Constable: Well, you catch them first.  Then you can bet with them.

Dauphin: It’s midnight.  I’m going to put my armour on.

    (The Dauphin leaves.)

Rambures: He wants to eat the English.

Constable: I’m sure he’ll eat as many as he kills–zero.

Orleans: Oh, come on.  He’s a brave prince.

Constable: He talks brave.

Orleans: Wait till tomorrow.  You’ll see.

Constable: I don’t think he’ll do any harm–to the enemy, that is.

Orleans: I believe you sell him short, sir.

    (A Messenger comes in.)

Messenger: My Lord Constable, the English are camped about fifteen hundred yards from here.

Constable: Those sons of bitches don’t know what they’re up against.–God, I wish it were morning.

Orleans: He’s a stubborn one, isn’t he?

Constable: Who?

Orleans: Henry.

Constable: If he had brains to match his stubbornness, he’d count the numbers and fold his tents and get out of here.

Rambures: The English are stupid, but I give them credit for courage.

Orleans: They’re suicidal, that’s all.

Constable: They’re like mad dogs.  And they eat like dogs, too.

Orleans: Except this time they’re practically starving.  And a lot of them are sick.

Constable: That should make it all the easier for us.–Come on, let’s suit up.

Orleans: By ten o’clock we’ll each have a hundred prisoners.

Rambures: Then we can gamble and use them as chips.

    (The others laugh and then they all leave.  But before the curtain goes down, there is an interval with the stage dimly lit in blue light, with distant noises of restless troops.  A sound effect or musical background is required here — something atonal and ominous.  Then curtain down.  Quick segue to the next scene.)

(The Prologue to Act 4 is deleted.)

Act 4, Scene 1.  The English camp at Agincourt at night.  King Henry comes in with his brothers Bedford and Gloucester.

King Henry: The French are up early.  You can hear them.

Gloucester: Yes, brother.  I think we are in danger.

King Henry: Brother, you’re right.  So let’s be as brave as the danger requires.

    (Erpingham comes in.)

King Henry: Good morning, Erpingham.  I wish that fine head of yours had a nice, soft pillow to rest on.

Erpingham: Nonsense!  Who needs a pillow when there’s all this fine, cold French ground to sleep on.

King Henry: You’re still tough for an old guy.  You’re a good example to your men.  Say, lend me your cloak, would you?

Erpingham: Of course, sir.

    (Erpingham gives him his cloak.)

King Henry: Brothers, go rouse all the lords and have them meet me at my tent.

Erpingham: Shall I stay here with you, sir?

King Henry: No, no.  You go with them.  I want to be alone for a while.

Erpingham: God be with you, sir.

    (Erpingham, Bedford, and Gloucester leave.  King Henry, now wearing Erpingham’s cloak, is effectively disguised.  Now Pistol comes in.)

Pistol: Who goes there?

King Henry: A friend.

Pistol: Are you an officer?

King Henry: Yes, in the infantry.  And you?

Pistol: Me?  Why, I’m as good a gentleman as the King–and that means he’s as good as me.  So I love him dearly.  What’s your name?

King Henry: Harry LeRoy.

Pistol: What is that–Cornish?

King Henry: No, Welsh.

Pistol: Then you must know Captain Fluellen.

King Henry: Of course.

Pistol: Then tell him if we ever get back to England, I’ll find him on Saint Davy’s Day and knock his hat off.

King Henry: On a Welsh holiday?–Ha!–He’ll take your hat and make you eat it.

Pistol: You must be his friend.

King Henry: Actually, I’m related to him.

Pistol: Well, then, you tell him this from me.–(He blows a loud Bronx cheer.)

King Henry: Whatever.  Who shall I say sent the greeting?

Pistol: My name is Pistol.

    (Pistol leaves.)

King Henry: A suitable name.

    (King Henry moves to the back of the stage, and concealment is suggested.  Fluellen and Gower come in from opposite sides, not noticing him.)

Gower: Captain Fluellen!

Fluellen: Shh!  Not so loud!  We’re in a war, you know.  You wouldn’t have heard any unnecessary noise in the camp of Pompey the Great.  Now there was a Roman worth studying.  He observed all the fine points of wartime behaviour.  Very serious.  Very quiet.  It’s important to be quiet.  I keep telling everyone.  Sometimes I have to shout at them to be quiet.

Gower: The French aren’t bothering to keep quiet.

Fluellen: They don’t know any better.  You don’t want to be like them.

Gower: All right, then.  I will speak–softly.

Fluellen: That’s better.–Come.  Let’s check on the troops.

    (Gower and Fluellen leave.)

King Henry: That Welshman is a bit of an oddball, but I like him anyway.

    (Three soldiers–Bates, Court, and Williams–come in.)

Court: John Bates, I think it’s almost dawn.

Bates: I don’t want to look, Mr. Court.

Williams: We’ll see the sun rise at least one more time–but I don’t think we’ll see it set.

Bates: Aye, Mr. Williams.

    (King Henry stirs.)

Williams: Who goes there?

King Henry: A friend.

Williams: Who’s your captain?

King Henry: Sir Thomas Erpingham.

Williams: What does he think our chances are?

King Henry: He’s worried.

Bates: Has he told the King?

King Henry: No.  That wouldn’t be proper.

Court: I wonder if the King is worried.

King Henry: Any normal man would be.  And I’m sure the King is quite normal underneath his royal clothes.  Still, he’s not going to show any fear, you know.  It would be bad for morale.

Bates: I’ll bet he wishes he were back home in England.

King Henry: I don’t think so.  I think he’s exactly where he wants to be.

Bates: Then he’s the only one who is.

King Henry: No, he’s not the only one.  I’m glad to be with him.  After all, his cause is right.

Williams: Well, maybe it is, and maybe it isn’t.  If it isn’t, then he’ll be responsible for our deaths.  And if I die in battle, I won’t get a proper burial, will I?

Bates: Aye, that’s for sure.

Court: We’ll die with our sins unforgiven, and it’ll be his fault.

King Henry: But, my friends, you’re wrong.  The King isn’t calling men to die, only to fight.  If they die with sins on their souls, it isn’t his fault.  Every man is responsible for his own soul.  If you fear death, then clear your conscience.  Then when you fight, you’ll think only of duty.

Williams: Aye, you have a point, friend.

Bates: I’ll do my duty, all right.  I won’t let the King down.

Court: Neither will I.

King Henry: I heard him swear that he’d never allow himself to be taken alive and ransomed.  

Williams: What else do you expect him to say?  If we’re dead, we’ll never know, will we?

King Henry: If he goes back on his word, I’ll never trust him again.

Williams: Ha!  And what’s that to him?  Does he care what you think?  Don’t be stupid.

King Henry: I should be very angry with you if we weren’t about to go into battle.  I’d really give it to you.

Williams: Well, then, if we live, you can look for me, and try your luck fighting with me.  How’s that?

King Henry: Yes.  I’ll agree to that.  Give me something of yours to wear, and if you see me again, you can demand it back from me, and we’ll settle this quarrel.

Williams: Here’s one of my gloves.  Now you give me one of yours.

    (They exchange gloves.)

King Henry: Here.

Williams: Good.  You wear mine and I’ll wear yours–right on the cap.  That way we’ll recognize each other again.  And when I see you, I’ll give you a beating.

King Henry: No, I’ll give you a beating.

Bates: Hey, stop it.  It’s the French who are the enemies, remember?  And God knows how many of them are out there.

Williams: Bah!–The French!–They can’t fight worth a shit.  Look at the food they eat.  Quiche!  Is that any food for a man?  And all those weird, unpronounceable things with disgusting sauces.

Bates: Yes.  And they never pick up anything with their fingers.  They have to be dainty, you know.  A bunch of wimps, that’s what they are.

Court: Let’s hope so.  At any rate, we’ll find out soon enough.  I hope the King knows what he’s doing.

Williams: If he does, then we’ll win.  And if we win, then his cause must be right after all.  God wouldn’t support him otherwise.

Bates: I believe in God, and I believe in the King.  (To King Henry) Good luck, friend.

King Henry: Good luck to you, too.

    (Bates, Court, and Williams leave.  King Henry is now alone.)

King Henry: Yes, my good friends, it’s all on my shoulders, isn’t it?  The life of every man in my charge.  What does an ordinary bloke know of such responsibility?  He gets to sleep soundly in his little bed and follow his daily routine.  He doesn’t wear a crown or carry a sceptre.  He doesn’t sit on a throne in his royal robe.  He’s not the centre of pomp and ceremony.  He doesn’t have to decide the fate of others.  He can’t lead thousands of men to glory–or into the gates of hell.  Only a king can do that.

    (Erpingham comes in.)

Erpingham: My lord, all the lords are looking for you.

King Henry: Yes, Sir Thomas, I haven’t forgotten.  Get them together, and I’ll meet them at my tent.

Erpingham: Very good, my lord.

    (Erpingham leaves.  King Henry kneels and prays.)

King Henry: God, give my soldiers courage–just one more day of courage–to face the overwhelming numbers against us.  And don’t punish me for what my father did to King Richard.  [Author's note: Henry IV overthrew Richard II, who died in prison later.]  At least, don’t punish me today.  I’ve given Richard a new grave.  I’ve paid five hundred men to pray for my pardon every day.  I’ve built two chapels in Richard’s honour.  And I’ll do more.  Have mercy on my soul and mercy on my men.

    (Gloucester comes in.)

Gloucester: My lord.–It’s time.

King Henry (Rising): Yes, brother.  The sun is rising.

    (They leave.)

Act 4, Scene 2.  In the French camp.  The Dauphin comes in with Orleans, Rambures, and the Constable.

Orleans: Time to do battle.  Everyone’s up.

Dauphin (Calling): Bring my horse!

Constable: Even the horses know what’s up.  You can hear them.

Dauphin: They’re just as eager as we are.  We’re going to crush those English bastards.

    (A Messenger comes in.)

Messenger: My lords, the English army is in the field.

Constable (Peering): They look like a bunch of scarecrows.  We could probably blow on them and they’d fall down.

Dauphin: They’ll probably faint before we can kill them.

Constable: This is going to be too easy.  I almost feel sorry for them.

    (Grandpre comes in.)

Dauphin: My Lord Grandpre!  Ready for battle?

Grandpre: You bet, I’m ready, my lord Prince!  Why, I’ve never seen such a pathetic collection of walking skeletons in my life.  Even their horses are starving.  Our servants could fight this battle and win.

Dauphin: Perhaps we should give the English a good breakfast out of pity–and then kill them, ha!

Constable: Where’s my flag-bearer?  I can’t lead without a flag.–Oh, never mind.  I’ll borrow one from a trumpeter.–Come on, then, lords of France!  Let’s get this over with.

Dauphin: Yes.  And be finished in time for lunch.

Rambures: Ha!  You’re funny, my lord.

    (They all leave.)

Act 4, Scene 3.  The English camp.  Gloucester, Bedford, Exeter, Erpingham, the Earl of Salisbury, and the Earl of Westmoreland come in.

Gloucester: Where’s the King?

Bedford: He went out to get a look at the French.

Westmoreland: They must have at least sixty thousand.  And they’re all fresh.

Salisbury: God help us!  We’re outnumbered six to one.  (He shakes hands with the others.)  Bedford–Gloucester–Exeter–cousins–.Whether we meet again on earth, in heaven, or in hell, let us smile regardless.

Bedford: Good luck, Salisbury.

Others: Good luck!

    (Salisbury leaves.)

Exeter: Brave guy.

Bedford: And a good guy.

    (King Henry comes in.)

Westmoreland: I wish I had another ten thousand men.

King Henry: No, no, no.  If we’re destined to die, let there be fewer of us.  And if we’re destined to win, more honour to us, being as few as we are.  I wouldn’t want to have to share my honour with any more men than we have right now.  Besides, it’s a narrow battlefield, in case you haven’t noticed.

Exeter: Yes, we noticed.

King Henry: And the turf is muddy.  Better for us, I think.–You know what today is, don’t you?

Westmoreland: Saint Crispin’s Day.

King Henry: That’s right.  And for every man who survives, Saint Crispin’s Day will be his day.  And every year at this time he can show off his scars and tell his friends, “I got these on Saint Crispin’s Day.”  We’re going to put this place on the map of history.  And this small band of happy brothers will be remembered as heroes forever.  And that includes the humblest soldier with two cows and two pigs to his name and a wooden shack to call home.  Today he is as noble as any of us.  And all those back in England will regret that they weren’t here to share in our glory.

    (Salisbury returns.)

Salisbury: Your Majesty, the French are in battle formation.  They’re going to charge at any moment.

King Henry: That’s all right.  We’re ready.  Wait till they get kissed by our longbows.–All right, everyone.  You have your orders.

Others: Yes, my lord.

    (A trumpet sounds.  Montjoy, the French herald, comes in.)

King Henry: Back again, Lovejoy?

Montjoy: Montjoy, sir.

King Henry: Yes–Montjoy.  Do you have another message from your King?

Montjoy: From the Constable, sir.  He urges you to be sensible and negotiate your ransom.  Otherwise, you’ll be defeated.

King Henry: Tell your Constable if he wants a ransom that badly, he can come and kill me himself and sell my bones.  But remind him of the story of the man who sold the lion’s skin before he killed the lion.  The lion ate him instead.

Montjoy: I shall tell him, sir.

    (Montjoy leaves.)

King Henry: I don’t think we’ll be seeing him again.

    (The Duke of York comes in.  He kneels before King Henry.)

York: My lord, I beg you to let me lead the first wave.

King Henry: Cousin York, you’ve got it.–Now let’s go, my friends.  (Looking up to heaven)  And God grant the victory however You will.

    (They all leave.)

Act 4, Scene 4.  [Author's note: The original scene is scrapped.  Instead, this is a Director's scene for fighting and special effects.  Background music is "Mars", from Gustav Holst's "The Planets".  The piece is 7 minutes long, and the Director may use all or part of it.  The English Captain of Bowmen appears with several Bowmen behind him. He orders them to shoot.  The Bowmen shoot many arrows.  The sound of whooshing arrows is heard, plus chaotic sounds of battle.  Then English and French soldiers fight hand-to-hand.  The Duke of York leads the English.  The French are wearing heavy armour and are less mobile than the English.  The fighting moves across the stage as the English drive back the French.  Quick segue to the next scene.]

Act 4, Scene 5.  Elsewhere on the battlefield.  Sounds of battle.  The Constable comes in with the Dauphin, Duke of Orleans, Duke of Bourbon, and Lord Rambures.

Constable: Merde! Merde! Merde!

Orleans: We’re getting slaughtered!

Dauphin: I can’t believe it!  This can’t be happening!  This is a humiliation!

Constable: Our ranks are broken!  It’s a disaster!

Dauphin: How could they do this to us!  English bastards!

Bourbon: After this, there’s nothing to live for.  I’m going in there, and I don’t care if I die.  At least I’ll die with my honour.

Orleans: We still have more men than they do.  If we could just restore some order–

Bourbon: To hell with it.  There’s no order left.  We’re lords.  We have to fight.  And if we die, we die.–Come on.

    (They all leave.)

Act 4, Scene 6.  Elsewhere on the battlefield.  Sounds of battle.  King Henry comes in with Exeter and Soldiers.

King Henry: We’re beating them!  But it’s not over yet.  There are still a lot of French out there.

Exeter: My lord, the Duke of York–(He stops, overcome with emotion.)

King Henry: Is York all right?  He was in the thick of it.  He was all covered with blood.

Exeter (Emotionally): He died, my lord–beside his cousin, the Earl of Suffolk.  Suffolk died first, and York knelt beside him and said–”Wait for me, cousin.  We’ll go to heaven together.”–Then he saw me and he took my hand and said–”Tell the King–I die happy.”–Then he died.

King Henry: York–Suffolk.–Why must such good men die?–I’ll miss them.

    (Alarms and sounds of battle.)

King Henry: I think the French are going to attack again!

Exeter: What’ll we do with the prisoners?  We must have several thousand of them.

King Henry: We can’t manage that many prisoners and defend ourselves at the same time.  The prisoners will have to be killed.  Only spare the nobles.

    (They all leave.  Quick segue to the next scene.)

Act 4, Scene 7.  Sounds of battle.  King Henry comes in with Warwick, Gloucester, Exeter, Fluellen, an English Herald, and the Duke of Bourbon, who is a prisoner.

King Henry: I can still see French cavalry on that hill.–Herald, I want you to go to them and find out what their intentions are.  Tell them if they don’t leave the field, we’ll kill all the lords we’ve taken prisoner.–Wait, hold on.

    (Montjoy comes in.)

King Henry: Back again, Montjoy?  Collecting ransom?

    (The English Lords laugh.)

Montjoy: No, my lord.  I come to ask if you will show us the kindness of allowing us to collect our dead.

King Henry: Well, I don’t know.  Is this battle over or not?  I can still see some of your cavalry.

King Henry: We concede, sir.  You have won.

King Henry: It was God’s will.–What is this place called?

Montjoy: Agincourt, sir.

King Henry: Then this will be remembered for all time as the Battle of Agincourt–won by the English on Saint Crispin’s Day.  (To the English Herald) Herald, you go with him and bring me back a count of the dead on both sides.

    (The English Herald and Montjoy leave.  Then Williams comes in, remaining apart.)

King Henry: You–soldier–come over here.

    (Williams approaches.  He is wearing King Henry’s glove on his cap.)

King Henry: Why are you wearing that glove on your cap?

Williams: Oh–this?–Well, my lord, you see, I had a quarrel with another man, and we exchanged gloves so that when we see each other again, we can finish it–if you gather my meaning, sir.

King Henry: Ah–going to punch him in the nose, are you?

Williams: I’ll give him a wizard prang, I will, sir.

King Henry: Fluellen, what do you think?  Should he fight the man or not?

Fluellen: Absolutely, sir.  It’s a matter of honour.

King Henry: But suppose the other man happens to be of a higher rank?

Fluellen: Rank doesn’t enter into it, my lord.

King Henry (To Williams): Then you do what you have to do, soldier.

Williams: Thank you, my lord.  I surely will. 

King Henry: Who’s your captain?

Williams: Captain Gower, sir.

King Henry: If you see him, tell him to come and see me.

Williams: I will, sir.  God save you, sir.

    (Williams leaves.)

King Henry: Fluellen, I want you to do something for me.

Fluellen: Anything, my lord.

    (King Henry hands him Williams’s glove, previously exchanged when King Henry was disguised.)

King Henry: This glove belonged to one of the French lords.  I want you to stick it on your cap.  If any man recognizes it, you’ll know he’s an enemy and you’re to arrest him.

Fluellen: I shall certainly do that, my lord.

King Henry: You know Captain Gower, don’t you?

Fluellen: Oh, yes, sir.

King Henry: Good.  See if you can find him and bring him to me. 

Fluellen: I will, sir.

    (Fluellen leaves.)

King Henry: Warwick–Gloucester–go follow him.  That glove I gave him belongs to the soldier who was just here.  They’re bound to run into each other.  If they do, make sure nobody gets hurt.–(To Exeter)  Uncle, come with me.

    (They all leave.)

Act 4, Scene 8.  Elsewhere on the field.  Williams comes in with Gower.

Williams: The King wants to see you, Captain.  No doubt, he intends to reward you with a knighthood, I should think.

Gower: Oh, that would be fantastic! 

    (Fluellen comes in, wearing Williams’s glove.)

Fluellen: Ah, there you are, Captain Gower.  The King’s looking for you.  I expect you’re in for some sort of reward.

    (Williams reacts to the sight of the glove.)

Williams: Excuse me, sir–but do you recognize this glove?  (Indicating the one on his own cap.)

Fluellen: No.  It look like any other glove to me.

Williams: Well, I recognize that one!  (Indicating the one Fluellen is wearing)  And I have something for you!

    (He punches Fluellen.)

Fluellen: Why, you’re a damned traitor!  And I arrest you in the name of the King!

    (Fluellen is about to grab Williams, but Gower intervenes.)

Gower: Whoa!  Hold on!  What’s all this about?

Fluellen: This man is a traitor!  He’s in with the French!

Williams: You’re crazy!  I’m no traitor!  

Fluellen: You recognized this glove!  That proves it!

    (Warwick and Gloucester come in.)

Warwick: What’s all the commotion here?

Gower: Something about gloves, but I don’t understand it.

Fluellen: My Lord Warwick, this man recognized the glove I was wearing on my cap.  The King told me to look out for traitors, and he’s one of them.–Here comes the King now.  He’ll tell you.

    (King Henry and Exeter come in.)

King Henry: What’s the trouble here?  Are we having a fight?

Fluellen: My lord, this man recognized the glove you gave me.  He’s a traitor.

Williams: Of course, I recognized it.  It’s my glove.–See?  Here’s the one that matches it.  (He shows the matching glove to King Henry.)  I told you about the glove, my lord.  I told you I gave it to the man I quarreled with and I’d fight him if I saw him again.  That’s him.  (Indicating Fluellen)

Fluellen: He’s a liar, my lord.  You gave me this glove.  Tell him.

King Henry (To Williams): Give me that glove on your cap.  (Williams hands him the glove.   King Henry takes out his own glove and compares them.)  It’s mine.  I was the one you exchanged gloves with last night.  You swore to settle things with me if you ever saw me again–remember?

Fluellen: You should punish him for that, my lord.

Williams: Oh–but–your Majesty–I didn’t know it was you.  It was dark, and you were dressed like any other soldier.  I certainly wouldn’t have said anything to offend you if I’d known.

    (King Henry laughs.  He hands one of his gloves to Exeter.)

King Henry: Uncle, fill this glove with gold coins and give it to this soldier.–What’s your name, soldier?

Williams: Michael Williams, sir.

King Henry: You’re a good Englishman.–Fluellen, you said rank didn’t enter into it–remember?

Fluellen (Embarrassed): Oh–well–I never imagined–

King Henry: Now you’ll make peace with this fellow, all right?

Fluellen: I have to admit he’s got heart.  (He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a few coins.)  Here, soldier.  Here’s twelve pence for you.  Just stay out of fights from now on.

Williams: I don’t want your money.

Fluellen: Oh, go on, take it.  Get your shoes fixed or something.

    (The English Herald comes in.)

King Henry: Herald, what’s the count for the French?

    (The Herald hands him a paper.)

Herald: I’ve written it down, my lord.

King Henry: Uncle, which nobles did we capture?

Exeter: Besides Bourbon, we captured Orleans and Bouciqualt, and a bunch of other lords and knights.

King Henry: According to this, the French have lost eighteen thousand–including a lot of nobles.–The Constable of France–Chatillon–Rambures–Bar–Brabant–Grandpre–Fauconberg–Beaumont–My God, it’s the cream of the aristocracy.  (To the Herald)  What about our own?

    (The Herald hands him another paper.)

King Henry (Looking at both sides): That’s all?

Herald: Yes, my lord.

King Henry: A few hundred.  That’s it.  It’s a miracle.

Exeter: You can say that again.

King Henry: When we march through the villages, I don’t want our men bragging about this victory.  It was the work of God.

Fluellen: That it was, sir–although superior tactics played a part.

King Henry: We’ll give the dead a proper burial, and then it’s on to Calais–and home to England.  We’re the luckiest soldiers who ever returned from France.

    (They all leave.) 

Act 5, Scene 1.  [Author's note: This scene replaces the Prologue to Act 5 and the original Scene 1.]  France.  Pistol comes in and sits on a rock at mid-stage.  He looks sullen.  He speaks directly to the audience.

Pistol: Well–here’s what happened since you last saw me.  First, we went back to England.  The King got a hero’s welcome, as you would’ve expected.  It was quite a turnout.  You should’ve been there.  I tried to get as close to the King as possible, but Gower and Fluellen kept pushing me away.  So I just talked to anyone I could–you know, all about my heroic exploits in the battle–which was all bullshit, of course.  There was one day devoted to public executions, and that was really cool.  (He takes out a paper and refers to it.)  I saved this as a souvenir–”Public Notice of Executions”.–I don’t even know these people.  Maybe you know them.–Dalton McGuinty, hanged for treason–Chris Bentley, hanged for treason–Philip Weller, hanged for treason–Mark Schueder, hanged for treason–Paul Breeze, hanged for treason–Oh, and there was one woman–Erica Wilson.  She was hanged for engaging in sodomy with a nig–oops!  Ha, ha!  Can’t say that word any more.  It’s considered hate speech.  (He puts the paper away.)  Okay, second thing–the Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire–his name is Sigismund–he came to England to arrange a peace between England and France.  So now we’re back in France.  And probably this whole deal will be sealed with a marriage.  That’s usually the way countries settle their differences.–Last thing–I just found out my wife died.  You remember–the hostess of the Boar’s Head Tavern.  So now I’ve got no source of income when I’m out of the army.  About the only thing I’m qualified to do is be a thief or a pimp.  But hey, there’s always room for one more in England.–Oh, let me show you my scars, ha, ha.  (He lifts up his shirt.)  Actually, I fell on a rake.  But I’ll say they’re war wounds.  Plenty of suckers will believe it, and I’ll find some way to take advantage of them.  Hey, a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do, right?

    (He leaves.)

Act 5, Scene 2.  The castle of the King of France.  From one side, Henry, Exeter, Bedford, Gloucester, Clarence, Warwick, and Westmoreland come in; from the other side, the King of France, Queen Isabel, Princess Katherine, her waiting-lady, Alice, and the Duke of Burgundy come in.

King Henry: Peace to everyone–my lord King of France, your Highness the Queen, your Highness Princess Katherine, and my lord Duke of Burgundy, who arranged this meeting.

France: And peace to you, too, my lord King and all English lords.

Queen Isabel: My lord King of England, I have waited so long for this day, to see an end to war between our countries.

King Henry: Madam, we feel exactly the same way.

Burgundy: My lords–my ladies–I have worked hard to make this meeting possible, because we have not had peace in France for a long time.  And because of that, our crops are in ruin, our grapes are sour, the peasants sleep with their animals, our soldiers suffer from post-traumatic stress disorders, our children are deformed, widows and orphans wander aimlessly in search of crusts of bread, our scholars have become babbling lunatics, the birds refuse to sing, the cows refuse to give milk, and an evil yellow fog hangs over the land and fills our people with despair, lethargy, and thoughts of suicide.

King Henry: Well, we certainly want to put an end to that, don’t we?  I’ve written down our demands, and if you agree to them, everything will be just peachy.

France: I need to review the terms with your lords.  May we take a meeting now?

King Henry: Of course.–Exeter, brothers, Warwick, and Westmoreland–you’ll sit down with the King and go over the details.  (To the Queen)  Madam, will you join the conference or stay here?

Queen: I’ll sit down with the men and make sure they come to an agreement.  But Katherine will stay here.  That way you can get to know each other better.  Alice will stay, too.

    (Everyone leaves except King Henry, Katherine, and Alice.)

King Henry: So, Katherine, how does a soldier like me win the heart of a French princess?  What should I say to you?

Katherine: Oh, your Majesty, mon an-glay is not so good.  I don’t want you to laugh at me.

King Henry: Well, my fran-say is probably worse than your an-glay.  But that’s all right.  We can always speak in, uh, body language, heh, heh.

Katherine: Body language?  (To Alice)  Qu’est-ce que c,a  veut dire?

Alice: Le langage du corps, madame.

Katherine: Oh?–Je ne comprends pas.

Alice: Monsieur, we don’t understand this.

King Henry: Never mind.–Katherine, just tell me if you love me–at least a little.

Katherine: Monsieur, I cannot say.

King Henry: Aw, darn it.  I’m no good at fancy love speeches.  I can’t recite love poems or serenade a woman on a mandolin.  And maybe I’m not the handsomest guy around.  But inside, I have a good heart, and that’s what matters.  All I ask is that you take me as I am and give me a chance.  How about it?

Katherine: But you were enemy of France, no?

King Henry: Not any more, Kate.  I love France.  Every bit of it.  That’s why I want all of it.  And if you love France, you must love me, too, because if France is mine, then France is yours, too.  And we belong to each other.

Katherine: Monsieur, you are confusing me.

King Henry: Okay, wait.  Let me try in French.–Uh–quand je suis en possession de la France–uh–oh, forget it.  Just tell me, what do you feel in your heart?  Could you love me?  Will you accept me?

Katherine: I must do what my father decides.

King Henry: Oh, he’ll approve.  I’m sure of it.  Come on, now, Kate, give us a kiss.

Katherine: Oh, no, no, no!  We do not do the kiss before the marriage in France.

King Henry: Never mind that.  We’re royals.  We make the rules.–Um–je veux vous baiser.

Alice (Embarrassed): Oh, monsieur!  That has two meanings in French.  One meaning is to kiss.  And the other meaning is–Oh!  I cannot say it.

King Henry: Ha, ha!  No–of course, I mean to kiss her.  The other one comes after the wedding, eh?  Ha, ha!  (He kisses Katherine.)  There!  Done!

Katherine: Oh, monsieur!

    (The King of France, the Queen, Burgundy, and the English Lords return.)

Burgundy: So, your Majesty, are you communicating well enough with Lady Katherine?

King Henry: Oh, yes, very well.  (To the King of France)  So, my lord, what do you say?  Do I get to marry your daughter?

France: Yes.  I approve.  And we have an agreement on all the terms.

Exeter (To King Henry): That means you are now the heir to the throne of France, my lord.

France: Yes.  And when you and my daughter have children, our two countries will be like one big, happy family.

Queen: May God bless this marriage.  And may all Englishmen love France and all Frenchmen love England.

The Lords: Hear! Hear!

King Henry: We’ll make arrangements for the wedding at once.  And when I pledge my love to Katherine, I will also pledge my loyalty to France.  And may God bless us all.

The Lords: Amen!

    (Trumpets.  They all leave.  No curtain down.  Quick segue to the Epilogue.)

Epilogue.  The Chorus (narrator) comes in where the previous parties were standing.

Chorus: How did the English win at Agincourt?  Was it because of Henry, his soldiers, the mistakes of the French, the hand of God, or just plain luck?  We leave it to you to decide.  Henry and Katherine produced one child, Henry the Sixth, who became King of England and the disputed King of France.  His was a complex and tragic story, which we must save for another time.  Our King Henry the Fifth died in France at the age of thirty-five and was buried in Westminster Abbey, in London.  Please forgive whatever wrongs he may have done, and remember him for his courage and his glory.

    (Curtain down)

END 

    Copyright@ 2011 by Crad Kilodney.  E-mail: crad166@yahoo.com

Main Characters

King Henry IV

Henry, Prince of Wales — heir to the throne; known familiarly as Hal or Harry

Prince John of Lancaster; Humphrey, Duke of Gloucester; Thomas, Duke of Clarence — other sons of King Henry IV

Chief Justice

Servant to the Chief Justice

Earl of Warwick, Earl of Surrey, Earl of Westmoreland, Harcourt, and  Sir John Blunt — loyal to King Henry IV

Sir John Falstaff — friend of Prince Henry

Page — servant to Falstaff

Poins, Peto, and Bardolph — friends of Prince Henry and Falstaff

Pistol — Falstaff’s ensign (flag-bearer)

Archbishop of York, Mowbray, Hastings, and Earl of Northumberland — rebel leaders against King Henry IV

Lady Northumberland — wife of the Earl of Northumberland

Lady Percy — daughter-in-law of the Earl of Northumberland, and widow of Harry “Hotspur” Percy

Lord Randolph — friend of Northumberland (The name has been changed from Bardolph, since the original play has two characters named Bardolph.)

Mistress Quickly — proprietress of the Boar’s Head Tavern

Francis — a waiter

Another waiter

Doll Tearsheet — Falstaff’s favourite prostitute

Two musicians

Fang and Snare — officers

Shallow and Silence — country justices of the peace

Mouldy, Shadow, Wart, Feeble, and Bullcalf — army recruits

Davy — servant to Shallow

Travers — servant to Northumberland

Gower and Morton — messengers

Sir John Coleville — on the side of the rebels

Porter

Presenter — news anchor who appears in the Introduction.  (He replaces the character Rumour in the original “Induction”.)

(Note: There are a lot of Henrys, so don’t get confused.  The King is Henry IV, formerly known as Henry Bolingbroke.  The heir to the throne is Prince Henry, who is also referred to as Hal or Harry.  The Earl of Northumberland is Henry Percy.  His dead son was also named Henry, but is referred to as Harry or “Hotspur”.)

Gist of the story: The events in Henry IV, Part Two take place from 1403 – 1413.  After being defeated in the battle of Shrewsbury (see Henry IV, Part One), rebel leaders decide to try again to overthrow Henry IV or gain concessions from him.  But once more we find Henry Percy, Earl of Northumberland, holding back and letting the other rebels do the fighting.  This time, however, there is no battle. Prince John tricks the rebel commanders into sending their armies home.  Then he arrests them.  Percy is later defeated by other forces loyal to the King.  In Part Two we see a lot more of Sir John Falstaff, an aging knight who is a shameless freeloader, drunk, and con artist.  He has gotten away with a great deal of misbehaviour thanks to his close relationship with “Prince Hal”, the heir to the throne.  When he learns that the King has died and Hal is the new King, he rushes to London expecting rewards from his old friend.  But he finds the new King to be a changed man.  Henry V has renounced his youthful delinquent ways and broken off with the old gang he used to hang out with at the Boar’s Head Tavern.  He banishes all of them — Falstaff in particular — until they shape up.  At the end of the play we get a broad hint from Prince John that there will soon be an invasion of France — which we will see in Henry V.

    (Shakespeare’s opening “Induction” has been replaced with a modernized Introduction.  The Epilogue has been deleted altogether.  Sir John Falstaff is one of the key figures in this play, and he is one of the most popular characters ever created by Shakespeare.  He is hilarious and likable despite his moral defects, and we are sorry to see him banished by his old drinking buddy, Prince Hal, who is now Henry V.  But it is necessary to establish Henry V as a tough, serious king, who will make history at the battle of Agincourt.  The next five installments of Shakespeare For White Trash will follow the reigns of Henry V, Henry VI (in three parts), and Henry VIII.  The series Shakespeare For White Trash is Shakespeare simplified and modernized by Crad Kilodney, for readers and theatre audiences alike.  It is designed to make Shakespeare’s plays crystal-clear and enjoyable to the millions of people who have little or no knowledge of them.  Read my versions and you will say, “I love Shakespeare!”)

Introduction.  Curtain up on a news anchorman (the Presenter) sitting at a desk facing the audience.  There is a big logo that says “WLIE”.

Presenter: Good evening.  I’m Roger Rumour, and this is We-Lie news for northern England.  Here are our top stories.  Unconfirmed reports from Shrewsbury say that the forces of the rebels have defeated the forces of King Henry.  Scottish rebel leader Lord Douglas has seriously wounded King Henry himself.  And Harry Percy, known to us all as Hotspur, has killed the King’s son, Prince Henry.–Meanwhile, in Scotland, the Loch Ness monster was seen by hundreds of people as it attacked a tour boat and ate its passengers.–In Ireland, the rising price of gold has been blamed on market manipulation by leprechauns.–And in football, Chelsea was defeated seven-nil by West Ham United.–More on these stories and others after this word from our sponsors.

    (Curtain down)

Act 1, Scene 1.  Before Northumberland’s castle at Warkworth.  Lord Randolph comes in and knocks at the door.  The Porter opens it.

Porter: Yes?

Randolph: Is the earl at home?

Porter: Who are you, sir?

Randolph: Lord Randolph.

Porter: The earl is in the orchard, sir.

Randolph: Oh–he’s coming now.

    (The Earl of Northumberland comes in.  He is leaning on a crutch and has a bandage on his head.  The Porter leaves.)

Northumberland: Randolph, what’s the news from Shrewsbury?

Randolph: Good news, my lord.  We’ve beaten them.  The King is wounded and probably won’t live.  Prince Henry is dead.  And the King’s other commanders have fled.

Northumberland: Are you sure?  Did you see it yourself?

Randolph: No, I heard it second-hand.  But the man who told me was reliable.

Northumberland: Wait–Here comes my man Travers.  I sent him for news.

Randolph: He doesn’t know any more than I do.

    (Travers comes in.)

Northumberland: Travers, what did you find out?

Travers: We lost.

Randolph: What!

Travers: It went badly at Shrewsbury.  We got beaten.–And your son–is dead.

Northumberland (To Randolph): You said we won.

Randolph: Yes.  We did win.–Travers, whoever told you we lost is full of shit.–Oh, this looks like a messenger.  Now we’ll know.

Northumberland: I know this man.  It’s Morton.

    (Morton comes in, looking frightened and exhausted.)

Northumberland: Morton, what happened at Shrewsbury?

Morton (Out of breath): My lord–

Northumberland: What’s the matter, man?  You look terrible.  What happened?

Morton: My lord–Douglas is alive.  And as far as I know, your brother Worcester is alive.–But young Harry–

    (Morton is unable to speak.  Northumberland shakes him.)

Northumberland: You must tell me.

Morton: I’m so sorry, my lord.  Young Harry is dead.  He was killed by Prince Henry.  After that, morale broke down completely.  Our men panicked and ran.  Even Douglas ran.  He was captured.  And so was your brother.  And now the King is sending forces after you.  Prince John and Westmoreland are coming.

    (Northumberland tosses his crutch aside and throws away his bandage.)

Northumberland: I’m through being sick!  I’m well enough to kill!  Let the King send whoever he wants!  I’ll murder them!  I’ll be the greatest murderer who ever lived!  We’ll all be murderers!  We’ll cut their throats and spill their blood until–

    (Randolph grabs him by the arm.)

Randolph: Calm yourself, my lord.

Morton: My lord, we don’t want you to get sicker.  We need you to be well.  We still have friends who are counting on you.

Randolph: We all knew the risks.  You and your brother and your son most of all.  You set things in motion.  You wanted a rebellion.  The odds were against us.

Northumberland: Yes.  You’re right.

Randolph: We still have strong forces left.  We can reorganize.  This war isn’t over.

Morton: The Archbishop of York has a large army available.  He can turn this whole thing into a religious cause.  People will follow him.  He can remind everyone about King Richard and how he was murdered.  [Author's note: Richard II was murdered after being overthrown by Henry IV.]

Randolph: Yes.  The Archbishop has tremendous influence.  He can lead the rebellion.  If we all put our heads together and reorganize, we can still get rid of King Henry.

Northumberland: Reorganize.–Yes.–We’ll have to write to people.  We’ll have to rebuild our forces.–All right.  Let’s go inside.  We have a lot of planning to do.

    (They leave.)

Act 1, Scene 2.  A London street.  Sir John Falstaff comes in with his Page, who carries Falstaff’s sword and small shield.  The Page is short and very young.

Falstaff: Hey, shorty, what did the doctor say about my urine?

Page: He said that the urine was healthier than the patient.

Falstaff: Well, I’m so glad the doctor finds me a source of amusement.  It gives me a sense of purpose in life that so many people like to make fun of me.–I’m sure Prince Hal assigned you to be my page as a joke–a little piglet serving the fat pig.  Ha, ha.  He thinks he has a sense of humour, but he can’t even grow a beard.  How does he expect to get his face on a coin if he can’t grow a beard?  Would you accept a coin with a king’s face that didn’t have a beard?

Page: I think I would, sir.

Falstaff: Never mind.  What did the tailor say about my cape and trousers?

Page: He said cash up front.  No credit. 

Falstaff: Oh, fuck him.  He’s a jerk, like all these other shopkeepers.  What’s this country coming to when a knight–a knight!–can’t have credit for a goddamn pair of pants?–Where’s Bardolph?

Page: He went to Smithfield to buy you a horse.

Falstaff: Oh, well, that’s suitable, isn’t it?  I found him at a junkyard, and he buys me a cheap horse at Smithfield.  Now all I need is a wife from a whorehouse.

    (The Chief Justice comes in with his Servant.)

Page: Sir, it’s that Chief Justice who put the Prince in jail for slapping him.

Falstaff: Pretend you don’t see him.

Chief Justice (To his Servant): Who is that guy?

Servant: Sir John Falstaff.

Chief Justice: Falstaff!  Wasn’t he implicated in that robbery some time ago?  [Author's note: In Henry IV, Part One Falstaff and three friends robbed some travelers on a road but were then robbed by Prince Henry and Ned Poins in disguise as a practical joke.]

Servant: Yes.  But he fought in the battle at Shrewsbury, and he’s supposed to be taking some soldiers to York to help Prince John against the rebels.

Chief Justice: Oh, really.  Well, tell him I want to speak to him.

Servant: Sir John Falstaff!

Falstaff (To the Page): Tell him I’m deaf.

Page (To the Servant): You have to speak louder.  He can’t hear you.

Chief Justice (To the Servant): Go tap him on the shoulder.

    (The Servant taps Falstaff on the shoulder.)

Servant: Sir John!

Falstaff: What do you want–money?  I don’t give money to panhandlers.  Get a job.

Servant: No, no.  You’re making a mistake, sir.

Falstaff: I’d be making a mistake if I gave you anything.  Now get lost.

Servant: Sir, the Lord Chief Justice wants to speak to you.

Chief Justice: Sir John!  A word with you, if you please.

Falstaff (With exaggerated warmth): Oh, my Lord Chief Justice!  How wonderful to see you, sir!  I heard you were sick.  Are you sure you’re well enough to be out of bed?

Chief Justice: I’m not sick.  Now listen.  You were supposed to come and see me, and you never did.  Instead, you went straight off to Shrewsbury.

Falstaff: Yes, yes.  Couldn’t be helped.  By the way, I hear the King’s been sick.

Chief Justice: Never mind that.

Falstaff: A kind of paralysis, I hear.

Chief Justice: I wouldn’t know.

Falstaff: Of course, paralysis is caused by lethargy of the blood.

Chief Justice: What?

Falstaff: Yes, yes.  You can read about it in the old Greek medical books.  It all starts with too much reading, too much thinking–

Chief Justice: I never heard of such a thing.

Falstaff: And that causes depression, which in turn leads to deafness.

Chief Justice: Well, if anyone’s deaf, it’s you.  You don’t hear a word I say.

Falstaff: Oh, I hear you, sir.  I’m just not paying attention.  There’s a difference.

Chief Justice: In that case, perhaps you’d pay attention if I arrested you and put you in the stocks.  How’d you like that?

Falstaff: Oh, sure, lock me up, why don’t you?  Listen, I may not be a knight of the Round Table, but I’m still a knight–and I’ll sit at any table of any shape as long as there’s food and wine on it.

Chief Justice: Now you listen, Sir John.  There were very serious accusations against you, and that’s why I sent for you.

Falstaff: But if I’d come to see you, I might not have been able to fight at Shrewsbury, and then the rebels might have won, and then who knows where you’d be now.

Chief Justice: Sir John, I have to tell you that your bad reputation is very great.

Falstaff: As long as it’s great, that’s all that matters.

Chief Justice: You’re damned lucky, you know.  That little bit of service you did at Shrewsbury sort of smoothed over the robbery thing.  Otherwise you’d be in big trouble.  As it is, you’ve embarrassed your friend the Prince.

Falstaff: I embarrassed him?  Hey, you don’t know the real story about that robbery.

Chief Justice: I’d rather not know.  Whatever happened, it was an embarrassment to both the Prince and the King, and now the King won’t let the Prince associate with you any more.

Falstaff: Don’t pretend to care about the Prince.  He slapped you when you got into an argument with him about the robbery, and you put him in jail.

Chief Justice: Just for a day.

Falstaff: That was very liberal of you.  And I reprimanded him for slapping you, and he said he was sorry–

Chief Justice: Good.

Falstaff (Aside to the audience): Sorry he didn’t hit you harder.

Chief Justice: So, I understand that you’re going to join Prince John to fight against Northumberland and the Archbishop.

Falstaff: Yes.  They can’t do without me.  Whenever there’s danger, they send for Sir John Falstaff.  I just hope we don’t have to fight in hot weather.  I’d get all sweaty, and I’m only taking two shirts.

Chief Justice: Well, I hope it will be cool, then.  Anyway, God protect you and bring you success.

Falstaff: Thank you.–So, we’re on good terms now, are we?

Chief Justice: Oh–yes, I suppose.

Falstaff: Fine.  How about lending me a thousand?

Chief Justice: What?

Falstaff: Lend me a thousand pounds.  For supplies.

Chief Justice: You must think I’m a sucker.  I’d never see that money again.  (He begins to leave but pauses.) Give my regards to my cousin the Earl of Westmoreland.

    (The Chief Justice leaves with his Servant.)

Falstaff: I would–for a thousand quid.  (To the Page) Boy!

Page: Yes, sir?

Falstaff: How much do I have in my purse?

Page: Exactly thirty cents, sir.

Falstaff: Huh.–Well, I have some letters for you to deliver.  (Hands him the letters)  This one’s for Prince John.–This one’s for Prince Hal.–This one’s for Westmoreland.–And this one’s for Madame Ursula–(Aside to the audience) whom I’ve been promising to marry every week for the past ten years, and maybe I can squeeze a few more quid out of her.

    (The Page leaves.)

Falstaff: What I really need is a disability pension.  Go up and do a bit of fighting and come home with a sore toe–something like that.  (Taps his head) I’ll think of something.

    (He leaves.)

Act 1, Scene 3.  In the house of the Archbishop of York.  The Archbishop comes in with Lords Mowbray, Hastings, and Randolph.

Archbishop: I know you guys are sympathetic to the cause.  But I want your honest opinion about whether we have a chance to beat the King.–Mowbray, what do you think?

Mowbray: I’m not sure we have enough men.

Archbishop: Hastings?

Hastings: We know we’ve got twenty-five thousand to begin with.  That’s even without Northumberland.  He’s got a lot of forces, and he’s angry about the death of his son, so he’ll be in this fight for sure.

Randolph: I know he wants to be in it–but remember what happened at Shrewsbury.  He and his army didn’t show up.

Archbishop: He was sick, if you remember.

Randolph: Yes, he was sick.  Nobody expected that.  And his son decided to lead the attack anyway, and they lost.  So my point is, let’s say hypothetically we had to go without Northumberland.  Could we still win?

Archbishop: You have a point, Randolph.  We have to be rational about this.

Randolph: Young Harry Percy wasn’t rational.  He was so carried away with his own visions of victory and his own warrior spirit that he ignored the fact that he was outnumbered.

Hastings: It was a calculated risk.  It’s easy to look at it in hindsight and criticize Hotspur, but I don’t blame him.

Randolph: But it wasn’t a calculated risk.  It was totally uncalculated.  He just assumed his father’s forces would show up at some point, and they didn’t.  We don’t want to make the same mistake.  We don’t want to start this business and then find out too late that we can’t finish it.

Hastings: Okay, granted.  But there’s always uncertainty.  In my opinion, we can win even without Northumberland’s help.

Randolph: What, are you saying the King doesn’t have more than twenty-five thousand men?  He does have more.

Hastings: But not against us.  His forces are divided in three parts.  He has to send one third of his army to Wales to fight Glendower, and another third has to face the French.  What’s left is going to fight us.–Frankly, I don’t know how he can afford it.  Everybody’s got to be paid.

Archbishop: Well, I don’t see him diverting forces from his other campaigns to concentrate on us.

Hastings: No.

Randolph: So, who would be commanding against us?

Hastings: Prince John and the Earl of Westmoreland.  Prince Henry is going to Wales.  I don’t know who’s commanding against the French.

Archbishop: Okay, so far, so good.  The next step is to get the people behind us.  They’re fed up with King Henry.  Not that I really trust the masses.  They’re stupid.  They blow with the wind.  First they hated Richard, so they supported Henry when he came back from exile.  Now that he’s King, they hate him.  So we have to take advantage of that.

Mowbray: So, then, it’s agreed we’re going to attack?

Archbishop and Hastings: Yes.

    (They leave.)

Act 2, Scene 1.  Outside the Boar’s Head Tavern in Eastcheap (London).  Mistress Quickly meets two officers, Fang and Snare.

Mistress Q: Sergeant Fang, have you filed my complaint?

Fang: Yes, mam.  Deputy Snare and I will arrest Sir John Falstaff for you.

Mistress Q: Be careful.  He can be nasty.  He’s got a big weapon, and he knows how to use it.

Fang: We’re not afraid.  We’ll subdue him by force if we have to.

Mistress Q: I hope so.  That man is going to run me bankrupt, eating and drinking at my expense and not paying his bills.  You might find him at Pie Corner.  He has a weakness for tarts, if you follow my meaning.  He’s into me for a hundred marks, and I ask you, how much can a poor woman bear?

    (Falstaff, his Page, and Bardolph come in.  [The Page has no lines in this scene but reacts suitably to off-colour remarks.])

Falstaff: What’s going on here?  Has somebody been murdered?

Fang: Sir John, you’re under arrest for a complaint made by Mistress Quickly.

Falstaff:  What!  How dare you!–Bardolph, draw your sword, man!

    (Fang and Snare grab Falstaff.)

Fang: You’re not getting away!

Mistress Q. (To Falstaff): You dirty cheat!  You no-good criminal!  You’d kill to get out of paying your debts, wouldn’t you?

Falstaff: You bitch!  I ought to kick your ass!

    (The Chief Justice comes in with his men.)

Chief Justice: What’s all this, then?–Oh, it’s you, Sir John.  In trouble again, are you?  I thought you’d be in York by now, doing your duty.  (To Fang and Snare) Let go of him.

    (Fang and Snare let go of Falstaff.)

Mistress Q: My lord, Sir John owes me money, and I’ve brought charges against him.  I had no choice.

Chief Justice: And what is the gross amount?

Mistress Q: Well, just look at his belly and see for yourself.  Why, he’s eaten me out–(Shocked reaction from the Page)–of house and home.  (To Falstaff) But I aim to get it back if I have to ride you all night for it.

Falstaff: Well, you can ride me, or I’ll ride you.  I like it either way.

Chief Justice: Sir John!  Aren’t you ashamed to make such bad use of this lady?

Falstaff: I can assure you I’ve made very good use of her.  (To Mistress Quickly with a show of charm) How much do I owe you, love?

Mistress Q: You owe me a marriage as well as the money.  You swore to marry me.  It was on a Wednesday, seven weeks after Easter–remember?  Prince Henry punched you for insulting the King, and I was dressing your wound.  You said you’d marry me.  And then you kissed me and borrowed another thirty shillings.

Falstaff (To the Chief Justice): Don’t listen to her.  She’s lost her mind.

Chief Justice: I don’t believe you, sir.  Frankly, you have a reputation for being–shall we say–dishonest.

Falstaff: Shall we say?  No, we shall not say!

Chief Justice: You should pay her what you owe her.  And you should apologize.

Falstaff: For what?  I’ve always been one hundred percent honourable in all my dealings.

Mistress Q: Ha!

Falstaff: And, furthermore, I demand to be released as I have important duties to perform for the King.

Chief Justice: Not so fast.  You’ll have to smooth things over with this lady, otherwise you’re under arrest.

Falstaff: All right, I will.  (To Mistress Quickly, very sweetly) Now, sweetie pie, let’s talk it over.

    (Falstaff and Mistress Quickly move apart for a private conversation.  At this point, Gower, a messenger, arrives with a letter for the Chief Justice.)

Gower: My lord, a letter for you from the King. 

Chief Justice: Thank you, Gower.

    (While the Chief Justice reads the letter, the conversation between Falstaff and Mistress Quickly becomes audible.)

Falstaff: I swear on my honour.

Mistress Q: That’s what you said last time.

Falstaff: This time I really mean it.

Mistress Q: I’ll have to pawn everything–even the tapestries in the dining room.

Falstaff: Oh, nobody likes those old tapestries anyway.  You can get a nice velvet matador from the flea market for a shilling.  Put up a few little things like that.  It’s modern art.  Come on, just lend me ten pounds, okay?  You know I like you.  And drop the charge, okay?  You don’t really mean it.  You were just in a bad mood.

Mistress Q: Ten pounds is too much.  Maybe I could lend you six.

Falstaff (Feigning indifference): Oh, never mind, then.  I know another lady I can ask–Madame Ursula.

Mistress Q: No, no.  I’ll lend you the money.  I’ll just pawn my good clothes.  But you’ll come for dinner tonight, and you’ll pay me back everything, right?

Falstaff: Do the stars come out every night?

Bardolph: Not when it’s cloudy.

Falstaff: Shut up, you.  (Aside to Bardolph) You stick with her until dinner.  Keep her away from the police.

Mistress Q: Should I ask Doll Tearsheet to join you?

Falstaff: By all means!

Mistress Q: Fine.

    (Everyone leaves except the Chief Justice, Gower, and Falstaff.)

Chief Justice (To Gower): The news could be better.

Falstaff: What news is that, my lord?

Chief Justice (To Gower, ignoring Falstaff): Where did the King make camp last night?

Gower: At Basingstoke, my lord.

Falstaff: Is everything okay, then?  Eh?

Chief Justice (To Gower, ignoring Falstaff): With all his armies?

Gower: No.  Fifteen hundred infantry and five hundred cavalry are going to meet Prince John.

Falstaff: The King’s back from Wales, is he?

Chief Justice (To Gower, ignoring Falstaff): I’ll give you a letter to take back to him.  Come on.

Falstaff: Sir!

Chief Justice: What now?

Falstaff: Master Gower, would you like to join me for lunch?

Gower: No, thank you.  I’m busy with the Lord Chief Justice.

Chief Justice (To Falstaff): What’re you hanging around here for?  I thought you had duties in York.

Falstaff (To Gower, ignoring the Chief Justice): How about dinner, then?

Chief Justice: Where did you learn your manners, Sir John?

Falstaff: Right here–from you.

Chief Justice: Damned fool!

    (They leave separately.)

Act 2, Scene 2.  [The setting is probably on a London street, although some texts may place it indoors.]  Prince Henry and Ned Poins come in.

Prince Henry: I’m exhausted.  I could go for a beer right now.

Poins: Now you sound like an ordinary guy, not a prince.

Prince Henry: That’s because I hang around with ordinary guys like you.  Sometimes I forget who I am.

Poins: I thought you’d be by your father’s side right now, seeing as how sick he is.

Prince Henry: I’m thinking about him.  I just don’t want to show my feelings in front of my friends.

Poins: You mean us low-lifes–me and Falstaff and the other guys from the Boar’s Head.

Prince Henry: Yeah, you might say that.

Poins: Well, we’re used to regarding you as another bad boy like us, aren’t we?

Prince Henry: True.  And I think that’s the way most people see me.

Poins: I don’t worry about what anyone thinks of me.  I am what I am, and people can take it or leave it.  After all, I have no particular expectations of, uh–advancement.

Prince Henry: I guess.–Oh, here comes Bardolph and that page I assigned to Falstaff. 

    (Bardolph, who is red-faced and rather drunk, comes in with the Page, who is dressed in ridiculous clothes.)

Prince Henry: I swear this kid was normal when I found him.  This is Falstaff’s doing.

Bardolph: God save you, Prince!

Prince Henry: Drunk again, eh, Bardolph?

Page: He was in the alehouse when I passed by, sir.  He was looking out the window, and I thought he had his head under a whore’s skirt, but it was only a red window shade.

Bardolph: Shut up, shorty.  What do you know about whores?

Page: Only what Master Falstaff tells me.

Prince Henry: He’s the expert.  (To Bardolph) How is old Jack today?

Bardolph: Same as usual.  He sends you this letter.

    (Bardolph hands Prince Henry the letter.  The Prince shows the outside of it to Poins.)

Prince Henry: Check this out–”John Falstaff, Knight.”

Poins: He loves his title, doesn’t he?

Prince Henry: Let me read this.  (He reads aloud) “Sir John Falstaff to Harry, Prince of Wales.  Greetings.”

Poins: Sounds like a draft notice.

Prince Henry (Reading): “I salute you.  Don’t get too chummy with Poins.  He has ulterior motives–namely, to marry off his sister to you.  Say your prayers if you remember, as I will be on my way to York shortly.  Yours truly, Jack Falstaff to you, John to my brothers and sisters, and Sir John to the rest of Europe.”

Poins: The fine art of letter-writing.

Prince Henry: So I’m supposed to marry your sister, am I?

Poins: I never said any such thing.  Not that I would object, of course.

Prince Henry (To Bardolph): So where is he–still in London?

Bardolph: Yes.  He’s having dinner tonight at the Boar’s Head.  Mistress Quickly and Doll Tearsheet will be there, too.

Prince Henry: Who’s Doll Tearsheet?

Page: Sir John says she’s a distant cousin.

Prince Henry: Ah.  Yeah.  Right. We know what that means.

    (He and Poins exchange a knowing smile.)

Prince Henry (To Poins): What do you say we go spy on them?

Poins: Sure.

Prince Henry (To Bardolph and the Page): Not a word to Jack, understand?  I don’t even want him to know I’m back in town.

Bardolph and the Page: Okay.

Prince Henry (To the Page): Here–go buy some candy.  (Gives him a coin)–Okay, get lost, both of you.

    (Bardolph and the Page leave.)

Prince Henry: A distant cousin.  That’s funny.

Poins: Doll Tearsheet.  She’s very aptly named, I assure you.

Prince Henry: We need some sort of disguise.

Poins: We’ll be disguised as waiters.  We’ll serve them.

Prince Henry: Don’t let the King find out.  He’ll have a heart attack.

Poins: He won’t know.  Don’t worry.

Prince Henry: Let’s go.

    (They leave.)

Act 2, Scene 3.  Northumberland’s castle in Warkworth.  Northumberland comes in with his wife, Lady Northumberland, and his daughter-in-law, Lady Percy.

Northumberland: I’m telling you, I have to go.  You mustn’t try to stop me.

Lady Northumberland: Isn’t it enough that I’ve lost my son?  Do I have to lose my husband, too?

Northumberland: You don’t understand.  This is a question of honour.

Lady Percy: You didn’t go to Shrewsbury to help Harry, and now I’m a widow.

Northumberland: Don’t you think I feel guilty about that–even if I was sick?  That’s why I have to go this time.

Lady Percy: Harry wouldn’t want you to go.  Why should you go for Mowbray and the Archbishop?  Do you love them more than you loved Harry?

Northumberland: Don’t confuse the issue.  There’s danger whether I go or not.  But if I go now I know I have an army.  If I wait indefinitely, I may not have the same forces.

Lady Percy: Mowbray and the Archbishop have a bigger army than Harry had at Shrewsbury.  Let them do the fighting.

Lady Northumberland: Yes, I agree.  Why should you get involved?  You can go away to Scotland until it’s all over.

Northumberland: You mean run like a coward?  No, I can’t do that.

Lady Percy: You can wait until you know they have the upper hand.  Then you can join them.  But don’t get into it right at the start.

Lady Northumberland: Yes, I don’t want you to go now.

Northumberland: I don’t know–I–I should go with the Archbishop.–I really should.–I could go to Scotland and wait, I suppose.–Let me think it over.

Lady Northumberland and Lady Percy: Yes, yes. 

    (They all leave.)  

Act 2, Scene 4.  The Boar’s Head Tavern in Eastcheap.  Francis and another Waiter come in.

Francis: Listen, Prince Henry and Ned Poins are going to surprise Sir John at dinner tonight.  They’re going to be disguised as waiters.  We have to fix them up with the right clothes. 

Second Waiter: Who told you this?

Francis: Bardolph.  Now, we have to keep it a secret, understand?

Second Waiter: Okay.

Francis: Oh, and Doll Tearsheet will be at dinner, and she likes a bit of music.

Second Waiter: I’ll take care of it.

    (They leave.  Then Mistress Quickly and Doll Tearsheet come in.  Doll is a little drunk.)

Mistress Q: You’re a little flush in the face, my dear.  I think you’ve had a bit too much wine.

Doll Tearsheet: Too much wine?  Don’t you know wine’s good for the heart?

Mistress Q: Oh, well, in that case–

    (Falstaff comes in singing.  [Author's note: It's an old Elvis Presley song.])

Falstaff (Singing): “Night and you, and blue Hawaii…The night is heavenly, and you are heaven to me–”  Doll!  How are you, love?

Mistress Q: She’s a bit drunk.

Falstaff: Aw, she’s a big girl.  She can hold her wine–although I can hold a lot more–ha!

Doll Tearsheet: I heard a whole shipment of Bordeaux was lost in the Channel.

Falstaff: Too bad.  If I’d been there, I would have saved it.  I would have drunk it all before the ship sank–ha!

    (The Second Waiter comes in.)

Second Waiter: Sir John, your ensign Pistol is downstairs.  He wants to talk to you.

Doll Tearsheet: Don’t let that rude man in here.  I hate him.

Mistress Q: Yes, I don’t want his type in my establishment.

Falstaff: But he’s my ensign.

Mistress Q: He’s a damned trouble-maker and a lout.

Doll Tearsheet: That he is.

Falstaff: Oh, don’t worry.  He’s harmless.  (To the Second Waiter) Tell him to come up and join the party.

    (The Second Waiter leaves.)

Mistress Q: Tsk!–I wish you hadn’t.

Falstaff: Relax.

    (Pistol, Bardolph, and the Page come in.  Pistol is drunk.)

Pistol: Sir John!  Wassup?

Falstaff: Sit down.  Have a drink.  (Picks up a glass.)  A toast to you!

Pistol: Oh!  Swell!

    (Pistol picks up a glass, and they both drink.)

Falstaff: Now, how about toasting the hostess?

Pistol: I’d rather taste the hostess–ha!

Mistress Q: Fat chance.

Pistol: How about you, Mistress Tearsheet?  Shall I taste you, then?

Doll Tearsheet: I’ll cover myself in hemlock.  Then you can taste all you want.

Pistol: Ha!–You know, they don’t call me Pistol for nothing.  It’s because of my–pistol!  Get it?  Ha, ha!

Doll Tearsheet: You’re a boil that should be lanced.

Pistol: I’d rather lance you–and then you can boil if you want to–ha!

Falstaff: Dude, chill out.

Pistol: Who’s she, then–a duchess?  We all know where she comes from.

Doll Tearsheet: But nobody knows where you come from, because nobody will admit to being your parents.

Pistol: Oh, yeah?  Well, women like you belong in hell.

Bardolph: Ensign Pistol–please!

Pistol: Aah, this world is full of bullshit.  That’s why we need iron.

    (He drops his sword on the table.)

Mistress Q: Irene?  There’s nobody here by that name.

Pistol: Bring me some more wine.  What kind of party is this?  (To Doll Tearsheet) Are we going to have some fun later, or not?

Doll Tearsheet: Maybe, but not with each other.

Falstaff: Pistol–shut up.

Doll Tearsheet: Throw him out.

Pistol: Throw me out?  (Picks up his sword) Who’s going to throw me out?

Falstaff: Bardolph, throw him out.

Bardolph: Come on, Pistol, get out.

Pistol: Death before dishonour! 

Falstaff: I can arrange that.  (He takes his sword from the Page, who has been carrying it for him, and then starts fighting with Pistol, who is too drunk to defend himself.  The women scream.  Pistol flees, and Falstaff chases him offstage, with Bardolph following.)

Doll Tearsheet: My hero!

Mistress Q: He’d better not get killed.  He owes me money.

    (Falstaff and Bardolph return.)

Falstaff: Well, that’s taken care of.

    (Doll Tearsheet hugs him and sits on his lap.)

Doll Tearsheet: My brave warrior!  (She kisses him.)  Just like Alexander the Great!

Falstaff: I kicked his ass.  He had it coming.

Doll Tearsheet: Oh, you make me so hot!  I love you!

    (Two Musicians come in.)

Doll Tearsheet: Oh, yes!  Let’s have some music!

     (The Musicians will play and remain in the background for the rest of the scene.  The Director can make this as absurd as he wants, with the Musicians playing very badly.  It doesn’t matter what instruments they play.   Shortly after they begin playing, Prince Henry and Poins come in, dressed as waiters and wearing false moustaches.  They are carrying wine.)       

Falstaff (Snapping his fingers at the new waiters without looking at them closely): More wine here!

    (Prince Henry and Poins put the wine on the table and then step back to observe.)

Doll Tearsheet: Jack, you know the Prince well.  What’s he like?

Falstaff: Prince Hal?  He’s really a shallow young man.  If he hadn’t been born a royal, he’d have ended up as a dishwasher.

Doll Tearsheet: And what about his friend Ned Poins.  He’s smart, isn’t he?

Falstaff: Smart?  Ha!  He has the brains of a baboon.

Doll Tearsheet: Then why does the Prince hang around with him? 

Falstaff: Well, they’re exactly alike, don’t you see.  Strong bodies and weak minds.  They’re both into silly games and pranks and being wild and crazy.  They’re like a comedy act, the two of them. 

Prince Henry (Aside to Poins): I’m ready to clobber this guy.

Poins (Aside to Prince Henry): Me, too.

Prince Henry (Aside to Poins): I don’t know what she sees in him.

Poins (Aside to Prince Henry): Probably some sort of father fixation.

Doll Tearsheet: Oh, Jack, I love you so much more than I could ever love a young man.

Falstaff: Ah, but will you still love me when I’m really old?

Doll Tearsheet: I’ll be older, too, so I won’t notice.

Falstaff: It’s getting a bit late, don’t you think?  We want to have time to–(He whispers in her ear, and she reacts with mock embarrassment.  Then he snaps his fingers at the waiters.)–Hey, bring us some of the expensive stuff.  We’re worth it.

    (Prince Henry and Poins take off their fake moustaches.)

Prince Henry: Will you be leaving us a generous tip, sir?

Falstaff: Good God!–I didn’t know the Prince had a twin!–Or Ned Poins either!

Prince Henry: I saw your twin in a dream.  He had the body of an ox, the head of a pig, hands like a monkey, feet like a buzzard, and the long tail of a rat.

Mistress Q: It is the Prince! 

Falstaff: Well, knock me over with a feather!  What a mean trick to play on an old friend.  Sit down and have a drink.

Prince Henry: What do you mean by slandering me, eh?

Falstaff: Who, me?  Oh, no, no, no!  I would never slander you.

Prince Henry: A dishwasher, am I?

Poins: The brains of a baboon?  Is that what I’ve got?

Falstaff: No, no, no, no!   Nothing of the sort!  I only said those things so that, um–so that wicked people wouldn’t love either of you.

Prince Henry: Which wicked people?  The hostess?  Mistress Tearsheet?  Bardolph?  Maybe your page?

Falstaff: Well–yes–actually.  Bardolph’s cursed by the devil.  You can see it on his face.  The boy has an evil spirit sitting on his shoulder.  Doll’s going to hell for–you know.  And as for the hostess, she’s my creditor, which gives her cruel power over me.  She could be damned for that, for all I know.

Mistress Q: More likely I’ll be damned if I ever get paid.

Prince Henry: Jack, you’re the most corrupt bastard I’ve ever known.

Falstaff: But still lovable.  Don’t forget to say lovable.

    (A knock at the door is heard.)

Mistress Q: Francis, see who’s at the door.

    (Francis goes out and returns with Peto.)

Prince Henry: Peto, wassup?

Peto: The King’s at Westminster, twenty messengers have arrived from the north, and a dozen captains are out looking for Sir John.

Prince Henry: Party’s over.  Duty calls.–Poins, Bardolph, Peto–let’s go.–Jack, don’t be too long.

    (Prince Henry, Poins, Peto, and Bardolph leave.  Falstaff looks wistfully at Doll Tearsheet.)

Falstaff: Too bad, love.  Looks like we won’t have time to, uh, say goodbye properly.

Doll Tearsheet: Ohhh–

    (Knocking is heard offstage.  Then Bardolph returns.)

Bardolph: Sir John, those captains are downstairs waiting for you.  You have to go to the King’s court immediately.

Falstaff (To the Page): Pay the musicians.–Ladies, I have to go.  They just can’t do a thing without Sir John Falstaff.

Doll Tearsheet (Starting to cry): Ohhh–Jack.

Mistress Q: Goodbye, Jack.  Good luck.

Falstaff: Thank you.  I’ll be thinking of you both.

    (Falstaff, Bardolph, and the Page leave.)

Mistress Q: Twenty-nine years I’ve known that man.  And God knows how much he owes me.  Still, I’ve always liked him.

Bardolph (Calling from offstage): Mistress Tearsheet!

Mistress Q (Calling back): What is it?

Bardolph (Offstage): He wants Mistress Tearsheet!

Mistress Q (To Doll Tearsheet): He’ll be wanting one last kiss.  Hurry!

Doll Tearsheet: Jack!

    (She runs out as the curtain ends the scene.)

Act 3, Scene 1.  The palace at Westminster.  King Henry comes in alone, wearing a nightgown.

King: The whole of England is sound asleep right now–every poor peasant in his filthy bed, every hand on every ship, every stable boy, every servant–even the prisoner in his cell.  They all get to enjoy the comfort of sleep.  Everyone except me.  For all my power and wealth, I can’t command sleep or buy it.  Every head that wears a crown is burdened with worries.

    (The Earl of Warwick and the Earl of Surrey come in.  [Sir John Blunt is deleted from this scene.])

Warwick and Surrey: Good morning, your Majesty.

King: Warwick–Surrey–Thank you for coming at such a late hour.  Is it morning already?

Warwick: It’s after one o’clock, sir.

King: Did you read my letters?

Warwick and Surrey: Yes, yes.

King: Then you understand how bad things are in England. 

Warwick: It’s a temporary situation, my lord.  The rebels will be brought under control.

King: Isn’t it strange the way things change?  It’s almost too strange to believe.  Richard and Northumberland were once the closest of friends.  Then Northumberland abandoned him to support me.  And now Northumberland is my enemy–along with the Archbishop of York, and the Welsh, and my cousin Mortimer.  Richard predicted Northumberland would turn against me.  I hear Northumberland and the Archbishop have fifty thousand men between them.

Surrey: I would take that with a grain of salt, my lord.  Rumour has a way of exaggerating reality.  And as for the Welsh, you can forget about them.  I have reliable reports that Glendower is dead.

King: Glendower’s dead?  Really?

Surrey: Yes.

Warwick: You should try to get some sleep, my lord–for the sake of your health.

King: I know, I know.

Surrey: Don’t worry about the Archbishop and Northumberland.  Your army will beat them, no problem.

King: I wish I could be as confident as you are.

Surrey: I’m totally confident.

King: All right, then.  I’ll trust your judgment.  Thank you for coming, both of you.  I’ll try to get some sleep.

Warwick: Good night, your Majesty.

Surrey: Sleep well, your Majesty.

    (Warwick and Surrey leave.)

Act 3, Scene 2.  In front of Justice Shallow’s house in Gloucestershire.  Justice Shallow and Justice Silence come in, followed at a distance by Mouldy, Shadow, Wart, Feeble, and Bullcalf, who are to be recruited.

Shallow: Those were great times we had in law school.  We knew where to find all the best whores.  Jack Falstaff was already a hell-raiser in those days.

Silence: Is that Sir John Falstaff?

Shallow: Yes, yes, the very one.  He’s coming to recruit these fellows for the army.–Oh, here he comes now.

    (Falstaff comes in with Bardolph.)

Shallow: Sir John Falstaff!  Well, well!  It’s delightful to see you after all this time.  You haven’t aged a day.

Falstaff: Master Shallow!  You flatter me, sir.  You look fine yourself.–And this is–?

Shallow: My cousin Silence.  He’s a justice of the peace, like me.

Silence: Your servant, sir.

Falstaff: Your servant, Master Silence.–And this is my lieutenant, Bardolph.  (Bardolph bows slightly.)–Bardolph, I went to law school with this man.

Bardolph: Oh.  How nice.

Shallow: Those were the days.

Falstaff: The best.  Now we’re old men, aren’t we?

Shallow: Older but wiser.

Falstaff: Quite so, quite so.–Well, then, you have some able-bodied recruits for me?

Shallow: I do, indeed.  (He takes out a list.) I hope you approve of them.–Ralph Mouldy.

    (Mouldy steps forward.)

Falstaff: Are you Mouldy?

Mouldy: Yes, sir.

Falstaff: Mouldy from lack of use, no doubt.

Shallow: Ha, ha, ha, ha!–Mouldy from lack of use!–You’re so funny, Sir John!

Falstaff: He’ll do.  Mark him down.

Mouldy: Oh, please, sir.  I can’t leave me old mum.  She needs help at home.  Can’t you pick someone else?

Falstaff: Never mind.  I hear that excuse all the time.  Duty is duty.–Who’s next?

Shallow: Simon Shadow.

    (Shadow steps forward.)

Shadow: Here, sir.

Falstaff: And whose son are you?

Shadow: My father’s.

Falstaff: A shadow of your father, eh?

Shallow: Ha, ha, ha!  That’s a good one, Sir John.

Falstaff: I can always use another shadow–my own behind me and someone else’s in front of me.

Shallow: Ha, ha ha!

Falstaff: Yes, he’ll do.  Who’s next?

Shallow: Thomas Wart.

    (Wart steps forward.  He is very ragged.)

Wart: Here, sir.

Falstaff: Good God, man, where are you from–a concentration camp?

Shallow: Ha, ha, ha!  That’s a good one!  A concentration camp!

Falstaff: I don’t think I want this fellow.  Who’s next?

Shallow: Francis Feeble.

    (Feeble steps forward.)

Feeble: Here, sir.

Falstaff: And what do you do?

Feeble: I’m a women’s tailor.

Falstaff: Do you do ladies’ underwear?

Feeble: Oh, yes, sir.  Lots of ladies wear my underwear.

Falstaff: That’s all right–as long as you don’t wear theirs.

Shallow: Ha, ha, ha!  Sir John, you kill me!

Falstaff: Well, Feeble, I can tell you’re as brave as the bravest mouse that ever lived.  You’re in.–Who’s next?

Shallow: Peter Bullcalf.

    (Bullcalf steps forward.)

Bullcalf: Here, sir.

Falstaff: Now there’s a fine name for a soldier–Bullcalf.  I like it.  You’re in.

Bullcalf: Oh, but sir, I’m so sick.

Falstaff: Sick with what?

Bullcalf: I have a terrible cold, sir.  You see, I’m the bell-ringer in the church, and it gets very cold up there at night.

Falstaff: A good, long march will get rid of that cold.  Trust me.–Is that it?

Shallow: That’s everyone.  Why don’t you come inside and have lunch?

Falstaff: I’ve no time for lunch–but I will have a drink with you for old times’ sake.

Shallow: Ah, yes.  What memories!  Remember when we took those two girls into the windmill at St. George’s field?

Falstaff: Don’t remind me of that.

Shallow: Is Jane still alive.?

Falstaff: Oh, yes, she’s still alive.

Shallow: She was hot.  How does she look now?

Falstaff: Old.  How else do you expect her to look?

Shallow: She had a baby even before I got my appointment at law.

Silence: That was fifty years ago.

Shallow: That long?  My, my.  How time flies.  We got up to some real tricks, believe me, cousin.–Isn’t that right, Sir John?

Falstaff: Yes, indeed.

Shallow: Indeed, indeed, indeed.  We were crazy in those days.  Come inside with us, Sir John.

Falstaff: All right.

    (Falstaff, Shallow, and Silence leave.)

Bullcalf: Master Bardolph, I don’t want to go.  Look, here’s twenty shillings for you.  Get me out of it, all right?

Bardolph: I’ll see what the captain says.

Mouldy: Master Bardolph, I can’t leave me old mum.  I’ll give you forty shillings to get me excused, all right?

Bardolph: We’ll see.

Feeble: I wouldn’t bribe my way out.  It’s a man’s duty to serve–even if he gets sliced into a thousand pieces and his blood is spurting everywhere and he dies in extreme agony.  We all have to die sometime, after all.

Bardolph: That’s the spirit, Feeble!  Good for you!  England needs more men like you.  You’re an example for others to follow.  A true man of honour, you are.

Feeble: Thank you, sir.

    (Falstaff, Shallow, and Silence return.)

Bardolph: Sir John, a word with you.  (He takes Falstaff aside and speaks confidentially.) I’ve got sixty shillings from Mouldy and Bullcalf to excuse them.

Falstaff (Aside to Bardolph): Sixty!  Excellent!

Shallow: So, which recruits are you taking, Sir John?

Falstaff: Um, well, now, let’s see–I’m going to take Wart, Feeble, and Shadow.  Mouldy and Bullcalf are excused.

Shallow: Really?  I’m very surprised.

Falstaff: Mouldy’s too old, and Bullcalf is too young.  Now, Wart, on the other hand, is the sort of soldier I need.

Shallow: I thought you didn’t want him.

Falstaff: I’ve reconsidered.  He’s got a keen eye.  I can tell.  Just look at those eyes.  Why, he’s a natural-born killer.  Put a musket in his hands, and he’ll be shooting down the enemy at a hundred yards.  And Shadow is perfect because he’s so thin he presents almost no target.  It’s what we call stealth.  And as for Feeble, I can tell he would be brilliant at retreating.  And in war, retreating is just as important as advancing.

Shallow: I never thought of that.

Falstaff: I’ve led soldiers in battle before, you know.  I was at Shrewsbury.

Shallow: Ah, yes.

Falstaff: Bardolph, you take the recruits and find uniforms for them.  And, uh, take the other two along and, uh, process them out.–You know.

Bardolph: Yes, Sir John.

    (Bardolph and the five recruits go out.)

Falstaff: Master Shallow–Master Silence–wonderful to see you both.  I have to march twelve miles tonight, so I have to go.

Shallow: You must come and see us on your way back.

Falstaff: I will.  I promise.

Shallow: Good luck, Sir John.

Falstaff: Thank you.

    (Shallow and Silence leave.)

Falstaff: Master Robert Shallow–the most boring, pretentious idiot I ever met.  And now he’s a judge and a landowner.  Well, that’s fine.  I don’t mind being his friend if I can get something out of it–like money.

    (He leaves.)  

Act 4, Scene 1.  Gaultree Forest in Yorkshire.  The Archbishop of York, Mowbray, and Hastings come in (optionally with a few soldiers).

Archbishop: Where are we?

Hastings: Gaultree Forest, your Grace.

Archbishop: Have you sent out scouts?

Hastings: Yes.

Archbishop: Good.  (Pause)  I have some news concerning Northumberland. He won’t be joining us.

Mowbray: Why not?

Archbishop: He says he doesn’t have enough men.  He’s gone to Scotland to recruit more.

Mowbray: And you believe that?

Archbishop: I don’t know what to believe.

Mowbray: He’s not coming–period.  We’re on our own.

    (A Scout comes in.)

Hastings: One of my scouts.–What’s happening?

Scout: The King’s forces are about a mile west of here.  They have about thirty thousand men.

Mowbray: Roughly what we expected.  Maybe a little more.  We should still attack.

    (Westmoreland comes in.)

Mowbray: It’s Lord Westmoreland.

Westmoreland: I come in peace from Prince John.  He sends respectful greetings.

Archbishop: Peace to you, too, sir.  What does Prince John have to say?

Westmoreland: Your Grace, the Prince wants to know why a man in your position–a churchman, a man of peace, a man of wisdom–would lead a rebellion against the King?

Archbishop: Because this country is sick, that’s why.  And King Henry is the reason.  We tried to explain our grievances to him a long time ago, but he wouldn’t hear us.  So we have no choice.  We don’t like rebellion.  We’d rather have peace, but a permanent, meaningful peace.

Westmoreland: When did the King ever refuse to see you?  When did he ever do you any harm?

Archbishop: He murdered my brother for supporting King Richard.

Westmoreland: This is all in the past.  And in any case, your personal grievance doesn’t justify a general insurrection.

Mowbray: Doesn’t our honour count for anything?  After what happened at Shrewsbury, are we supposed to forget all our grievances and sit home and do nothing?

Westmoreland: No one can be happy who loses a war, but it’s not personal.  It’s war.  And you, in particular, have no reason to quarrel with the King.  It was King Richard who exiled your father, and it was King Henry who returned your lands to you.

Mowbray: My father was ready to face Henry Bolingbroke in a duel when King Richard stopped it.  Then he sent both of them into exile.

Westmoreland: Which was a lucky thing for your father because Bolingbroke would’ve killed him, and everyone knows it.  And what’s more, everyone loved Bolingbroke and hated your father.  But I didn’t come here to argue about history.  I came here to tell you that Prince John is willing to listen to your grievances and deal with them in a reasonable way.

Mowbray: Oh, sure.  He’s willing to listen now that we have an army to stand up to him.

Westmoreland: Your army is no match for ours.  Our soldiers are more experienced.  Prince John is not afraid of you.

Mowbray: I’m not interested in any conference with Prince John.

Westmoreland: Then you’re dishonourable, and so is the cause you represent.

Hastings: Does the Prince have full authority to settle our grievances?

Westmoreland: Of course.

Archbishop: All right.  (He takes out a paper and hands it to Westmoreland.)  Here’s a list of our demands.  If these demands are met and everyone here is granted a full pardon, then we’ll all go home and the rebellion is over.

Westmoreland: I’ll take this to the Prince.  Will you meet him halfway between the two armies?

Archbishop: Yes.

Westmoreland: Good.

    (Westmoreland leaves.)

Mowbray: I don’t know about this.  If we come to terms now, it may only be temporary.

Hastings: No, if we get what we want, it’ll be okay.

Archbishop: The King’s tired of fighting, don’t you think?  He’ll just want to stop it once and for all if he has a chance.  Besides, his relationships are so tangled, if he punishes one enemy, he creates another.  Politically, the simplest thing is to make peace with us.

Mowbray: I hope you’re right.

    (They leave in the same direction as Westmoreland.  [Author's note: Not all texts have a scene break here.  I am following the example of the Pelican edition and putting it in.  There should be a quick segue to the next scene.])

Act 4, Scene 2.  Another part of the forest.  Prince John, Westmoreland, and some Officers come in from one side, and the Archbishop, Mowbray, and Hastings come in from the other.

Prince John: Hello, my Lord Archbishop–Lord Mowbray–Lord Hastings.

Those Three: My Lord Prince.

Prince John: My Lord Archbishop, it’s strange to see a high churchman dressed for battle and leading a rebellion.  The King is the agent of God, and you are the interpreter of God.  But here you are using your position against the King.

Archbishop: My Lord Prince, as I explained to Lord Westmoreland, we had no choice but to take up arms.  You can put an end to all the turmoil right now by settling our grievances.

Mowbray: Otherwise we’re ready to fight.

Hastings: And even if we die, others will take up our cause.  And if they die, still others will follow them.  It’ll go on generation after generation.

Prince John: Hastings, don’t presume to see into the future.

Westmoreland: Your Highness, why don’t you tell them what you’ve decided.

Prince John: Yes–I have no problem with these demands.  I’m sorry if there have been misunderstandings.  We’ll settle all these matters to your satisfaction, and all our armies can go home.

Archbishop: I take you at your word, sir.  I’m very glad indeed.

Prince John: Good.  Then let’s drink to peace.

    (One of Prince John’s officers produces a bottle of wine and pours drinks.)

Hastings: I’ll go and tell our men they can go home.

    (Hastings leaves.)

Archbishop (Raising his cup): To you, my Lord Prince, and Lord Westmoreland.

Westmoreland: To you, sir.

    (They all drink.)

Mowbray: Suddenly I have an upset stomach.

Archbishop: It’s nothing.  It’s just the emotion of the day.  First you were angry, and now you’re happy.

Mowbray: Oh, is that it?

    (Cheering is heard offstage in the direction of the rebel army.)

Prince John: Listen to them.  They’re happy to have peace.  (To Westmoreland) Pass the word to our troops.

    (Westmoreland leaves.)

Prince John: There, you see how simple that was?  It’s just as easy to have peace as it is to have war.  It’s entirely an act of will.

Archbishop: Yes, yes, my lord.  You’re so right.

Prince John: You’ll stay here tonight, won’t you?  Everyone in the same camp.

Archbishop: Yes, yes.  Glad to.

    (Westmoreland returns.)

Westmoreland (To Prince John): My lord, they want to hear the order from you personally before they disperse.

Prince John: Yes, all right.  In a moment.

    (Hastings returns.)

Hastings: You should have seen them!  Like a bunch of happy schoolboys let out for summer vacation!

Westmoreland: That’s fine, Lord Hastings.  Excellent.–And now I arrest you, Mowbray, and the Archbishop for treason.

Archbishop: But you promised to meet our demands!  You gave us your word!

Prince John: I’ll meet your demands.  But as for the three of you, you’re going to get what you deserve–for your treason as well as for your stupidity.  (To the Officers) Take them away and prepare them for execution.

    (They all leave, the Officers taking the rebels as prisoners.)

Act 4, Scene 3.  Elsewhere in the forest.  Falstaff encounters Sir John Coleville coming in from the opposite side.  Falstaff has his sword out.

Falstaff: You there!  What’s your name and rank?

Coleville: I’m Sir John Coleville.  I’m a knight.

Falstaff: You’re one of the rebels.  And I’m taking you prisoner.  Or do I have to use force?

Coleville: Aren’t you Sir John Falstaff?

Falstaff: Oh, so you recognize me, eh?–Heh, heh.–Then I’m sure you know my reputation.  Surrender or die!

Coleville: I surrender to you, sir.

Falstaff: Good.  I’m going to hand you over to my general.

    (Prince John, Westmoreland, Blunt, and Soldiers come in.)

Prince John: So you finally made it to the war, eh, Falstaff?

Falstaff: You know me, my lord.  Always reliable.

Prince John: Reliable in the sense of predictable.  The war’s over.  You missed it.

Falstaff: I got here as fast as I could, believe me.  And fortunately I arrived just in time to capture this man, Sir John Coleville, one of the fiercest knights who ever lived.  He took one look at me and gave up.  He knew who I was.

Prince John: I’m sure he was just being polite.

Falstaff: No, no.  It was my reputation as a fighter that caused him to lose his courage.  In any case, I’m turning him over to you, and I expect to be remembered for my contribution to the war.

Prince John: You will, don’t worry.–Blunt, take charge of this man.  He’s to be–you know–like the others.

Blunt: Right, my lord.

    (Blunt takes Coleville away.)

Prince John: We have to return to the King’s court.  He’s very ill.–Westmoreland, you go on ahead and tell him the news.  We’ll catch up with you.

Westmoreland: Very good, sir.

Falstaff: My lord, if you don’t mind, I’d like to make a little detour to Gloucestershire.  But be sure to give my love to the King–and don’t forget to tell him what I did.

Prince John: Yes, yes.  I’m sure it’ll cheer him up.  All right, then, we’ll see you later.

Falstaff: Thank you, my lord.  Have a nice trip.

    (Everyone leaves except Falstaff.)

Falstaff: A bit of a stiff, that Prince.  Too serious.  Too sober.   Just like his father.  Give me a man who likes his sherry.  And give me his sherry, too, come to think of it.  Sherry’s good for you.  It warms the blood.  And it makes the brain work better.  It even makes you musical.  You can’t have too much sherry.  Now you take Prince Hal.  He can hold his sherry as well as any man.  That’s why he’s such a brave soldier–and a wild and crazy guy.  And it’s a good thing he does drink because cold blood runs in his family.  Get a boy drinking at a young age, and you’ll never have to worry about him.

    (Bardolph comes in.)

Falstaff: Bardolph, wassup?

Bardolph: The whole army’s been dismissed.  Can you believe it?  The general played a trick on the rebels.

Falstaff: Did he really?  What did he do?

Bardolph: He tricked them into sending their armies away.

Falstaff: Did he now?–Well!–He’s a lot more clever than I gave him credit for.

Bardolph: So are we returning to London, then?

Falstaff: After a little detour.  Say, how’d you like to pass by Gloucestershire with me on the way back?  We’ll visit Master Shallow and his cousin Master Silence.

Bardolph: Oh!  A little business, I take it.

Falstaff: Naturally.  What else?

Bardolph: Then I’m with you, Sir John.

Falstaff: He pretends to be poor, but I know better.–Come on.

    (They leave.)

Act 4, Scene 4.  The King’s palace at Westminster.  King Henry comes in with his sons Thomas, Duke of Clarence; and Humphrey, Duke of Gloucester; plus Warwick and Attendants.  The King sits in a chair.  He is obviously ailing.

King: When the rebels are defeated, I want to go on that Crusade I keep talking about–assuming I regain my health, of course.

Warwick: You will, my lord.

King: Humphrey, where’s your brother Hal?

Gloucester: I think he’s gone hunting at Windsor.

Clarence: No, he’s in London.

King: Thomas, why aren’t you with him?  He thinks the world of you, you know.  You should be close with Hal.  He needs someone to moderate his extremes.  When I’m gone, it’ll be you who keeps everyone on good terms.

Clarence: I’ll take care of him.  Don’t worry.

King: If he’s in London, who’s he with?

Clarence: His old gang from Eastcheap–Poins and the other guys.

King: Oh, God, is he back with that bunch of low-lifes?  I thought he was through with them.  I’m afraid to think what’s going to happen when he becomes King.  He’ll probably get himself into trouble, and he’ll get the whole country into trouble, too.

Warwick: I don’t think so, my lord.  I think he just wants to understand that segment of humanity, not follow it.  When the time comes, he’ll break off with them and get serious about his responsibilities.

King: You’re more optimistic than I am, Warwick.

    (Westmoreland comes in.)

Westmoreland (Cheerily): Long life to you, sir!

King: You’re in a good mood, Westmoreland.  You must have some good news.

Westmoreland: The best, my lord.  Prince John has arrested Mowbray, Hastings, and the Archbishop.

King: Was it a bloody fight?

Westmoreland: There was no fighting at all.  He conned them into dismissing their armies.  He sends you this letter with all the details.

    (He hands the King the letter.)

King: What a relief!–I’ll read this later.

    (Harcourt comes in.)

Harcourt (Cheerily): God save you, sir!

King: You’re smiling, too, Harcourt.  What’s your news?

Harcourt: Northumberland’s been defeated–he and Randolph and the Scots.  They were defeated by the Sheriff of Yorkshire.  I have a letter for you.

    (He hands the King the letter.)

King: All this good news–and me so sick.–I should be enjoying this moment–but I just feel so–

    (The King passes out.)

Gloucester and Clarence: Father!

Warwick: It’s all right, my lords.  He gets these spells occasionally.  He’ll be over it in a little while.

Clarence: He can’t go on like this much longer.  He’s getting worse all the time.

Gloucester: There have been bad signs lately.  People have been talking about them.

Clarence: I know what you mean–the flooding.  It’s just like when King Edward died, they say.  [Author's note: He is referring to Edward III, who was their great-grandfather.]

Warwick: Shh!–Not so loud.–He’s waking up.

King: I feel so sick.–Take me into the other room.  I want to lie down.

    (They all leave.  Quick segue to the next scene.  [Author's note: Not all texts have a scene break here, but I think it helps.])

Act 4, Scene 5.  Another room.  King Henry is asleep in bed.  His crown is on the pillow beside him.  He is attended by Gloucesteer, Clarence, Warwick, and Attendants.

Clarence: He’s so pale.  Look at him.

Gloucester: I don’t think he’ll live much longer.

Warwick: It’s all right, my lords.  He just needs a good rest after all the anxiety he’s been through.

    (Prince Henry comes in.)

Prince Henry: How’s my father?

Gloucester: Very sick.

Prince Henry: Has he heard the good news?

Gloucester: Yes, he heard.

Warwick: Let’s leave him alone for a while.  Let him sleep.

Prince Henry: You guys can go.  I’ll stay here for a while.

    (Everyone leaves except Prince Henry.  His expression is one of sadness and concern.  Then he looks at the crown on the pillow.  Very slowly, he reaches for it, studies it, and puts it on his head.  Then he walks out.  Then the King awakens.)

King: Warwick!–Gloucester!–Clarence!

    (Warwick, Gloucester, Clarence, and Attendants return.)

Clarence: Father, are you all right?

King: Why did you leave me alone?

Clarence: We left you with Hal.  He was sitting here.

King: Where is he?

Clarence: I’m not sure.

King: My crown–It’s gone.  What happened to it?

Warwick: It was on your pillow when we left.

King: Then he took it.  He can’t wait for me to die.–Warwick, go and find him.

Warwick: I will, my lord.

    (Warwick leaves.)

King: Is this my reward for all the sacrifices I’ve made?  Is this what my life comes down to–to be pushed into the grave so he can be King?

Clarence: Don’t get upset, father.

Gloucester: Give Harry a chance to explain.

King: This hurts me very deeply.

    (Warwick returns.)

Warwick: He’s in the next room–crying.

King: I want to speak to him.

Warwick: He’s coming.

    (Prince Henry comes in.)

King: The rest of you, leave us alone.  I want to talk to Harry in private.

    (Everyone else leaves.)

Prince Henry: I didn’t expect you to wake up, father.

King: That’s what you were hoping–that I wouldn’t wake up.

Prince Henry: No, no.

King: The crown would’ve been yours soon enough.  But you couldn’t wait, could you?  What a sorrow to inflict on me on my deathbed.  I know you don’t love me.

Prince Henry: Father–

King: Go dig my grave if you’re so eager to be King.  And once I’m buried you can undo everything I’ve done–all my laws, all my orders.  Then you can invite all your low-life friends to the palace for a big party.  Let the whole country go to rot.  Then see if you enjoy ruling over a country in anarchy.

Prince Henry (On his knees, crying): Father–I’m sorry.  (He puts the crown back on the pillow.)  I hope you wear this crown for many years.  I was only thinking of all the grief and the burdens you’ve had to endure because of it.  And I put it on to see if I could feel those burdens.  I was wondering if I was worthy to wear it–if I was brave enough to carry the burdens that you’ve carried.  God knows what’s in my heart–and if I’m eager or happy to put this crown on, then may God see to it that I never wear it at all.

    (A pause.  The King is no longer angry.)

King: My son–sit close to me.  This may be the last chance I ever have to talk to you.–I’ve had a troubled reign.  I’m not proud of the way I came to power.  Many people have resented it.  You won’t have that problem.  You’ll receive the crown in a proper way.  Buy you still have to patch up with those who opposed me.  And I will give you this piece of advice.–The best way to keep people’s minds off old grievances is to give them foreign wars to unite them.–If I came by this crown wrongfully, may God forgive me.  And may He grant you a more peaceful reign.

Prince Henry: When the time comes, I’ll wear the crown as you would want me to–with honour and courage.

    (Prince John comes in.  He is forcing himself to smile.)

Prince John: Father, how are you feeling?

King: I’m happy to see you, my boy–even if it’s for the last time.

Prince John: No, no.  I think you’re getting better.

King: No–I’m not.–But it’s all right.–Where’s Warwick?

Prince John: I’ll get him.

    (He goes out and returns immediately with Warwick, Gloucester, Clarence, and Attendants.)

Warwick: My lord?

King: Warwick, do you remember that prophecy about Jerusalem?

Warwick: Jerusalem, my lord?

King: It was prophesied that I would die in Jerusalem.  That’s why I wanted to go on a Crusade.  I assumed it was God’s will.

Warwick: Yes, yes.

King: Warwick–what is this room called?

Warwick: It’s called–the Jerusalem Room, my lord.

King (Smiling): There–you see?–This is God’s will.–This is where I shall die.

    (Scene ends without an exit.)

Act 5, Scene 1.  This scene is deleted.

Act 5, Scene 2.  Within the palace.  Warwick comes in, meeting the Chief Justice coming in from the opposite side.

Warwick: My Lord Chief Justice.  Where are you going?

Chief Justice: Nowhere–yet.  How is the King?

Warwick: The King’s troubles–are over.

Chief Justice: You mean he’s–dead?

Warwick: Where he has gone, we must all someday follow.

Chief Justice: Too bad.–Well, with him gone, I foresee not so good prospects for myself.

Warwick: That may be.  The new King may have a score to settle with you.  Even though it was only one day in jail.  Well, you know how proud he is.

Chief Justice: I’m expecting the worst.

Warwick: I wish Harry were more like his brothers–you know– calm, dignified, very proper.–Oh, I see them coming.

    (Prince John, Clarence, and Gloucester come in.)

Three Princes (Somberly): Good morning, Warwick.  Good morning, Chief Justice.

Warwick and the Chief Justice: Good morning, my lords.

    (An awkward pause.)

Prince John: I guess nobody has much to say right now.

Warwick: There’s not much to say, is there?

Prince John: Well, peace to the old King–for what it’s worth.

Chief Justice: Peace to us all–I hope.

Prince John: You look pretty gloomy, sir.  I won’t ask why.

Clarence (Trying to be humourous): I guess you’ll have to be extra nice to Sir John Falstaff from now on.

Chief Justice: My lords, try to understand.  I’m the highest-ranking officer of the law in all of England.  I have to uphold the laws.  And I’ve always done it honourably.  My conscience is clear.

Warwick: Perhaps the new King will understand.  You can explain it to him.

    (Prince Henry comes in, now dressed as King.  [From this point on, his speech prefix will be "King Henry", although his coronation has not taken place yet.  He will be King Henry V.])

Chief Justice: God save your Majesty!

King Henry (Ignoring the greeting): It feels rather strange to be wearing this robe.–Brothers, you look worried.  It’s all right, I assure you.  We all share the same feelings.  And you can have faith in me, just as I know I can count on you.

Three Brothers: Yes.  You can.

    (A pause.)

King Henry: You’re looking at me rather strangely, Chief Justice.  Perhaps you think I’m–unhappy with you–for some reason.

Chief Justice: If you are, you shouldn’t be.

King Henry: What the hell were you thinking when you put me–the heir to the throne–in jail, even if it was just for one day?  Did you think I’d forget it?

Chief Justice: My lord, I acted with the authority of your father.  I was enforcing his laws.  When you slapped me, you flouted his laws, and I did what I had to do.  My lord, someday you’ll have a son.  How will you want him to behave?  Will you want him to respect your laws or disregard them?  And will you want your officers of the law to enforce your laws, or not?

    (A pause while King Henry considers.)

King Henry: You’re right.  And I want you to serve me as faithfully as you served my father.

Chief Justice: I will, sir.

King Henry: You’re a good man.  Shake my hand, sir.  (They shake hands.)  I’m going to count on you to give me good counsel.  You have wisdom.–And brothers, you’re going to see a very different Harry from now on.  Your brother is going to be a very serious King.  I’m going to choose my advisors very carefully. You’ll be among them.  And, God willing, every citizen in England will be glad to have me as King.

    (They all leave.)

Act 5, Scene 3.  In Master Shallow’s house.  Shallow, Silence, Falstaff, Bardolph, and the Page are seated at the dinner table.  Shallow’s servant Davy is attending.

Falstaff (Pushing back his plate): I’m stuffed!  Great dinner, Master Shallow.  Do you eat like this all the time?

Shallow: Oh, no, no.  We’re really poor men.  This dinner is in your honour.

Falstaff: I don’t believe it, but thank you anyway.–This is a nice place you’ve got here.

Shallow: Thank you, Sir John.–Davy, more wine.  We can’t have our guests sitting with empty cups.

    (Davy goes around the table pouring more wine.)

Falstaff: I think Master Silence is already quite drunk.

Silence (Drunkenly): I don’t often get this drunk.

Falstaff: I do!–Ha, ha!  Every damn chance I get!–Isn’t that right, Bardolph?

Bardolph: Yes, Sir John.

Falstaff (To the Page): Drink up, kid.  It’ll put hair on your chest–ha, ha!

Shallow: Davy, bring some nuts.

    (Davy goes out.)

Falstaff: Nuts!  Aren’t we all nuts already–ha!

Silence (Drunkenly): Ha, ha.

Falstaff: Do you know any dirty songs, Master Silence?

Silence: Ohh–I have to think.

    (Davy returns with a bowl of nuts.)    

Shallow: Is everyone happy?–Master Bardolph?

Bardolph: Oh, yes, sir.  Thank you, sir.

Shallow: And how about the little giant?

Page: I’m fine, sir.

Falstaff: Of course, he’s fine.  Hanging around with me, how else would he be?–Go ahead, kid–drink.

Silence (Trying to sing): “Oh, I’m a drunken sailor–show me to my bed”–I forget how it goes.

Bardolph (Trying to sing): “Show me to my bed–And if it’s not the right one”–How does it go?

Silence (Trying to sing): “If it’s not the right one–I’ll sleep in yours instead–”

Bardolph (Trying to sing): Right, right.–”And if I wake beside your wife”–um, if I wake beside your wife–

Silence (Trying to sing): “I’ll nestle right beside her–”

Bardolph (Trying to sing): “And swear upon my main mast–”

Silence and Bardolph (Together): “That I never was inside her.”

    (All laugh, except the Page, who merely smiles.)

Falstaff (To the Page): I’ll explain it to you later.

    (A knock is heard at the door.)

Shallow: Davy, see who that is.

    (Davy goes out.)

Falstaff: Master Silence, I didn’t know you could sing.

Silence: Oh, yes.  I’ve sung three times–including tonight.

Falstaff: Three times!  Well, there’s a party animal for you!

    (Davy returns with Pistol.)

Falstaff: It’s my ensign, Pistol.–Pistol, what are you doing here?

Pistol (With a big smile): Sir John, you have just gone up in the world, and I mean big-time!

Falstaff: Have I?

Pistol: You’ve hit the jackpot!  It’s fortune!  It’s money!  It’s status!

Falstaff: What is it?

Pistol: It’s fine clothes!  Expensive wine!  Luxuries!  Women!  It’s never having to worry about anything ever again as long as you live!

Shallow: For chrissake, man, if you have good news, out with it!  I’m a justice of the peace, you know.  I’m the King’s man.

Pistol (With a twisted smile): And which King would that be, sir?

Shallow: What?

Pistol: Which number?

Shallow: Why, King Henry the Fourth–who else?

Pistol: Ha!  Wrong!  (He blows a Bronx cheer at Shallow.)

Shallow: What do you mean?

Pistol (To Falstaff): Your good buddy, Prince Hal–with whom you’ve shared many good times–and had many drinks with–and so on and so forth–is now–

Falstaff: Yes?

Pistol: King Henry the Fifth!

    (Falstaff jumps up.)

Falstaff: Oh!–Oh!–Oh!–I can’t believe it!–Oh!–Bardolph, do you hear?

Bardolph: I’ll drink to that!  (He drinks.)

Falstaff: Ohhh–boy!  Fortune smiles on Jack Falstaff!–Bardolph, you’ll get something out of this.–And you, too, Pistol.–Master Shallow–or shall I call you Lord Shallow–ha, ha!  Get your boots on!  We’ll go straight to London right now!

Shallow: My cousin can’t come.  He’s too drunk.

    (Silence passes out, his head clunking on the table.)

Falstaff: And wait till I find that Chief Justice!  Then we’ll see who’s the boss of who!–Come on!

    (They all leave except Silence.)

Act 5, Scene 4.  This scene is deleted.

Act 5, Scene 5.  Before Westminster Abbey.  Falstaff, Shallow, Pistol, Bardolph, and the Page come in.

Falstaff (To Shallow): They just had the coronation, so he’ll be coming by any minute.  He’ll be so glad to see me.  Just wait.  Oh, and I really appreciate the thousand pounds you lent me.  Consider it an investment.  You’re going to come out way ahead.  Trust me.–I only wish I had better clothes on.  But that’s all right.  We rode all night to get here.  It shows how devoted I am to him.

Shallow: Yes, it does.

Falstaff: It’s the man that matters, not the clothes, right?

Shallow: Quite so.

    (Trumpets sound.)

Pistol: That’ll be him.

    (King Henry comes in with the Chief Justice and Attendants.)

Falstaff: God save King Hal!  My good buddy, ha, ha!  Hey, you’re looking awesome!

King Henry (To the Chief Justice): Please correct that boor.

Chief Justice (To Falstaff): One does not speak to the King like that.

Falstaff (To King Henry): Hal!  It’s me!  Your old buddy!

King Henry: I’m not your old buddy any more.  You’re a self-indulgent fool, and I’m through with you–you and all the rest of your gang from the Boar’s Head.

Falstaff: But, Hal–I mean, your Majesty–

King Henry: You and the others are henceforth banished from my presence.  You are never to be within ten miles of me.

Falstaff (Stricken): Ohh!–

King Henry: Sir John, I will give you a small allowance to live on so you don’t have to go back to thieving.  If you mend your ways and become a proper knight and gentleman, I’ll reconsider your position.

    (He nods to the Chief Justice, who follows the King out, along with the Attendants.)

Shallow: Um–about that thousand pounds, Sir John.

Falstaff: He didn’t mean what he said.  It was just for show.  You’ll see.  He’ll invite me to dinner.  Everything will work out as I planned.

Shallow: Five hundred, then.  Give me back five hundred.

Falstaff: I can’t.  Listen, don’t worry.  We’ll go and have lunch.  By dinnertime everything will be back to normal.

    (The Chief Justice returns with Prince John and Officers.)

Chief Justice (To the Officers): Take them all to jail for tonight.

Falstaff: What?  No, no!  My lord–

Chief Justice: King’s orders.  Save your breath.

Pistol: Fucking hell.

Bardolph: You said it.

    (The Officers take Falstaff and his party away.)

Prince John: I thought that was very fair.  Stern but fair.–You know, my brother’s going to be a great King.

Chief Justice: And may he live a long time.

Prince John: Parliament has been assembled.  Now it’s down to business.

Chief Justice: Yes, yes.

Prince John: By the way, a little birdie told me something interesting.

Chief Justice: What’s that, my lord?

Prince John: Before the year is out–we’re going to invade France.

Chief Justice: And are you happy about that?

Prince John: Hell, yes.  We’re going to kick their butts.  In fact, I think we’ll make history.–Come on, sir.  I’ll buy you a drink.

Chief Justice: Thank you, my lord.  That’s very kind of you.

    (They leave.)

    [Author's note: The Epilogue is deleted.]

END

    Copyright@ 2011 by Crad Kilodney.  E-mail: crad166@yahoo.com

Main Characters

King Henry IV

Henry, Prince of Wales — the King’s son, known familiarly as Hal or Harry    

John — the King’s younger son

Henry Percy, Earl of Northumberland — formerly a supporter of King Henry, but now turned rebel

Hotspur (nickname of Harry Percy) — son of Henry Percy; formerly a supporter of King Henry, but now turned rebel

Thomas Percy, Earl of Worcester — Northumberland’s brother; formerly a supporter of King Henry, but now turned rebel

Earl of Westmoreland — loyal to King Henry

Sir Walter Blunt — loyal to King Henry

Edmund Mortimer, Earl of March — brother-in-law of Hotspur and would-be heir to the throne (see Historical Note below)

Lady Percy — Hotspur’s wife; sister to Edmund Mortimer

Owen Glendower — Welsh rebel leader

Earl of Douglas — Scottish rebel leader

Archbishop of York — on the side of the rebels

Sir Michael — friend of the Archbishop

Sir Richard Vernon — on the side of the rebels

Sir John Falstaff — favourite drinking buddy of Prince Henry; an amusing degenerate

Ned Poins, Bardolph, Peto, and Gadshill — low-life friends of Prince Henry

Mistress Quickly — hostess of the Boar’s Head Tavern

Two Carriers (Deliverymen)

Innkeeper

Servant to Hotspur

Sheriff

Chamberlain

(Lady Mortimer is deleted from this version)

(Historical Note: There were actually two Edmund Mortimers, and Shakespeare got them mixed up because he was working from a source that was incorrect.  The Edmund Mortimer who appears in the play was Hotspur’s brother-in-law and first cousin once-removed to both Henry IV and Richard II.  But he was not the Earl of March, who was the heir to the throne designated by Richard.  Edmund Mortimer, Earl of March, was first cousin twice-removed to both Henry IV and Richard II.  He was only a child at the time, but he was, in fact, next in line to the throne based on the rules of succession.  In any case, both Edmund Mortimers were ahead of Henry, as they were descendants of Lionel of Antwerp.  Lionel ranked ahead of Henry’s father, John of Gaunt, Duke of Lancaster.)

Gist of the story: Henry IV, Part One is the sequel to Richard II.  In the previous play, we met two of the three Percys — Henry Percy, Earl of Northumberland, and his son Harry “Hotspur” Percy.  Thomas Percy, Earl of Worcester, was referred to.  The Percys supported Henry before he was King, when he returned from exile.  Now that he has become King, the Percys have fallen out with him, believing that they have been used.  They put together a rebel alliance, including the Welsh, the Scots, and the Archbishop of York.  But the real star of the play is Prince Henry, or “Hal”.  He has led a wayward life and is a scandal to the King and the nobles.  But when the rebellion arises, he changes completely and shows himself to be a courageous and intelligent leader.  The play ends with the battle of Shrewsbury, where Prince Henry meets his nemesis, Hotspur, and kills him.  There is still some mopping up to do, but the rebellion has been largely crushed.  These events take place around 1402-03.

    (As usual, Shakespeare has tweaked history a bit for the sake of the story.  He adjusts people’s ages and changes the circumstances of deaths.  Sir John Falstaff is fictitious but is believed to be based on a real person.  An important point to keep in mind in reading Shakespeare’s histories is that in those days there was no such thing as a standing army.  Armies had to be raised when needed, and each lord throughout the kingdom could raise his own small army.  So, military power was actually very dispersed.  If many dissident lords banded together, they could mount a serious rebellion.  And forces from outside the kingdom could choose to get involved, too.  In preparing this restyling of Henry IV, Part One, I worked from four sources — No Fear Shakespeare, Pelican Shakespeare, the New Clarendon Shakespeare, and Brodie’s Notes — and I must pay particular praise to the New Clarendon Shakespeare, which is absolutely first-rate.)

Act 1, Scene 1.  The King’s palace.  King Henry comes in with his son John, the Earl of Westmoreland, and others.

King: Rebellions!  Rebellions!  Rebellions!  I’m getting sick and tired of rebellions!  Can’t we have any peace in this country?  I should be in the Holy Lands now, cutting the heads off Muslims.  I wanted to go a year ago.

Westmoreland: I’m with you, my lord.  And the council is sympathetic.  But it’s just not the right time.  We have problems here.  We’ve just gotten word that Lord Mortimer and his men took a beating from that Welsh bastard Glendower.  Mortimer is a prisoner, and a thousand of his men were slaughtered.

King: Swell.  We can forget about going on any Crusade.

Westmoreland: And there’s more news–from Scotland.

King: Let’s hear it.

Westmoreland: Our friend Harry Percy, alias Hotspur, was in a big battle with the Earl of Douglas.  The messenger couldn’t say who won, however.

King: I have more recent news on that.  We won.  I heard it from Blunt.  He rode all the way from Holmedon to tell me.  You should have seen him, all covered with mud.

Westmoreland: That’s mighty good news, my lord.

King: Hotspur and his men killed ten thousand Scots–including twenty-two knights.

Westmoreland: That’s awesome.

King: Yeah.  And he took some valuable prisoners, too–Douglas’s son Mordake, and Lords Athol, Murray, Angus, and Menteith.  What do you think of that?

Westmoreland: Wow!  We’ll collect big ransoms for those guys.

King: Harry “Hotspur” Percy.  It’s a damn good thing he’s on our side.

Westmoreland: For sure.

King: What a brave kid.  I envy his father.  Makes me ashamed of my own son.–(To John, patting him on the back) Not you, John.  I mean your brother Hal.

John: I know.

King: Two Harrys–one’s a hero, and the other’s a juvenile delinquent.  I wish they could’ve been switched at birth.  Then I would’ve gotten Hotspur, and the Earl of Northumberland would’ve gotten Hal.

Westmoreland: Well–maybe he’ll grow out of it.

King: But now I have a problem with Harry Percy.

Westmoreland: Oh?

King: He won’t send me the prisoners.  Only Mordake.  That’s pretty nervy, don’t you think?

Westmoreland: Yes.  Absolutely.  But I’ll tell you who probably put him up to it.  His uncle Worcester.  He doesn’t like you.  I think he’s using Hotspur as a way of getting back at you.

King: You know, Westmoreland, me and the Percys used to be like that (Presses two fingers together).

Westmoreland: I know, sir.

King (Counting on his fingers): Henry Percy, Earl of Northumberland–Harry Percy, his son–and Thomas Percy, Earl of Worcester.  They helped me overthrow King Richard.

    (John coughs in embarrassment.)

King: Well, not overthrow exactly–more like–well, you know.

Westmoreland: Yes, my lord, we understand.

King: Anyway, I’ve sent for Harry the Hotspur.  I want an explanation from him.  He’s basically a good guy, but sometimes his emotions get out of control.  Go tell the council we’ll meet on Wednesday at Windsor Castle.  Then come right back.  I’ve got more to say, but I need to cool off first.

Westmoreland: Right, my lord.

    (They leave.)

Act 1, Scene 2.  Prince Henry’s room in the palace.  Prince Henry comes in with Sir John Falstaff.

Falstaff: Hal, my good prince, what time is it?

Prince Henry: What time is it?  Probably half-way between your last drink and your next one.

Falstaff (Humourously): Oh!–Oh!

Prince Henry: And probably half-way between your last whore and your next one.

Falstaff: Oh!–You got me.

Prince: What does it matter what time it is?  You sleep all day.

Falstaff: Well, I have to sleep sometime.  I do my best work at night.

Prince Henry: Your best work!–Like robbing people on the highway.  You and your gang of thieves.

Falstaff: Oh, now, you mustn’t call us that.  I prefer to think of us as, um, gentlemen of the night–or the moon’s followers.

Prince Henry: Yeah, you’ll follow the moon all right–right to the top of the gallows.

Falstaff: Gallows!–Huh!–You wouldn’t let me hang.  We’re friends.

Prince Henry: I don’t think there’s a rope that would hold your weight anyway.

Falstaff: I hope not.  Say, when you become King, will you hang thieves?

Prince Henry: No.  I’ll let you hang them.

Falstaff: I could do that, I suppose.  The hangman always gets some money from the condemned man to make it as painless as possible.

Prince Henry: And you get to keep their clothes.  They always shit their pants when they hang.

Falstaff: Oh, stop.  You’re getting me depressed now.

Prince Henry: Go visit the public sewer ditch.  That’ll cheer you up.

Falstaff: I swear, I don’t know where you get these twisted ideas.  I think you’re a bad influence on me.  Why, just the other day, an old lord came up to me and scolded me for associating with you.

Prince Henry: Ha!

Falstaff: Of course, I didn’t listen to him.  Still, I would say he spoke wisely.

Prince Henry: Wisdom cries out in the street, but no man listens.

Falstaff: Eh?  That sounds vaguely biblical.  But anyway, I tell you, Hal, before I met you I was innocent–

Prince Henry: Until proven guilty.

Falstaff: I was as innocent as a lamb.  And now look at me.

Prince Henry: I’m looking.

Falstaff: And what do you see?

Prince Henry: A fat, drunken, whoring degenerate–headed straight for hell.

Falstaff: You could be right.  But I’ll change.  You wait and see.  I’m going to turn over a new leaf.  No more a sinner.  No, no.  I’ll lead a virtuous life.  Only good deeds from now on.

Prince Henry: Glad to hear it.  So, where do you want to pull your next stick-up job?

Falstaff: Oh!  Anywhere!  Doesn’t matter.

Prince Henry: I thought you were through with sinning.

Falstaff: Stealing isn’t a sin.  It’s a profession.  It’s no sin for a man to follow his profession.

Prince Henry: Uh-huh.

    (Ned Poins comes in.)

Falstaff: Poins!  Ah!  Now we’ll see if Gadshill has a stick-up planned.  If a single good deed saved men from hell, Poins would still end up there.  He’s the greatest thief who ever said “Stick ‘em up!”–ha, ha!

Prince Henry: Good morning, Ned.

Poins: Good morning, Prince Hal!–And good morning, fat, drunken bastard Sir John Falstaff.

Falstaff: Sir, you flatter me.

Poins: It’s not flattery if it’s true.–Anyway, listen, here’s the deal.  At four o’clock tomorrow morning, some travelers will be on the high road on their way to Canterbury Cathedral.  They’ll be loaded with money.  And there’ll be merchants with them on the way to London.  They’ll be carrying money, too.  I’ve got masks.  Gadshill is in Rochester, and I’ve got a dinner reservation tomorrow in Eastcheap.  This’ll be too easy.  How about it?

Falstaff: I’m in.–Hal, how about you?

Prince Henry: I don’t need money.  I’m the Prince of Wales.

Falstaff: Oh, come on.  You don’t have to do it for the money.  Do it for the sport.  Do it for friendship.

Prince Henry: Well, if you put it that way–

Falstaff: That’s better!  That’s what I want to hear!

Prince Henry: On the other hand, there’s a book I wanted to finish reading–Moths Of Wales.

Flastaff: A book!  Oh, my God.  I wouldn’t want you for a King.

Prince Henry: So what?

Poins: Sir John, let me work on him.  You run along.

Falstaff: Fine.  You work on him, and don’t give up.  Vice needs its champions just as much as virtue does.  Otherwise, where will England end up?  I’m going to Eastcheap to get drunk.

Prince Henry: Yes, you do that.

    (Falstaff leaves.)

Poins: I wanted to get rid of him.  I have an idea for a cool joke, but I need you to help me.

Prince Henry: Okay, what is it?

Poins: We’ll pretend we’re going along with Falstaff, Peto, Bardolph, and Gadshill on this robbery.  But we’ll separate from them just before they do it.  We’ll watch them do it, and then we’ll jump them and steal the money they just stole.

Prince Henry: They’ll know it’s us, won’t they?

Poins: No.  We’ll wear disguises and leave the horses and go on foot.

Prince Henry: What if they fight us?

Poins: Bah!  They’re all cream puffs.  They’ll run.  Trust me.  And then later, when we meet Falstaff at the pub, we’ll let him spin whatever wild story he can think of to explain why he doesn’t have the money, and then we’ll expose him as a liar.  It’ll be hilarious.

Prince Henry: That is cool.  Okay, meet me in Eastcheap tomorrow.  I’ll have dinner there.

Poins: Okay.  Later, Prince.

    (Poins leaves.  Prince Henry now comes to front stage and speaks directly to the audience.)

Prince Henry: I know what you’re thinking–is this any way for a prince to behave?  But you know what?  It’s all an act.  Let everyone think I’m a delinquent–Prince Hal, who won’t grow up and who’ll never amount to anything.  Let them think that.  And then–at the right time–there’ll be a radical transformation, and the real Prince Henry will suddenly be revealed.  Everyone will be so surprised, they’ll respect me twice as much as if I’d been good all along.  Just wait.  You’ll see.

    (He leaves.)

Act 1, Scene 3.  In the palace.  King Henry comes in with Northumberland, Worcester, Hotspur, Sir Walter Blunt, and Attendants.

King: I’ve been entirely too nice with you Percys.  You think you can walk all over me, but that’s going to change.

Worcester: My lord, don’t forget that we helped you get where you are today.

Northumberland: Um–my lord–

King: Worcester, don’t piss me off.  Take a hike.  When I need you again, I’ll send for you.

Worcester: As you wish, my lord.

    (Worcester leaves.)

King: You were going to say something, Northumberland?

Northumberland: Yes, my lord.  What I wanted to explain was that it’s all a misunderstanding about Harry refusing to send you his prisoners.

Hotspur: That’s right, my lord.  What happened was that your messenger arrived right after I’d been through a lot of fighting, and it was just bad timing.  And this guy was such a fucking fruit with his nice, clean clothes, and his frilly collar, and shiny shoes, and his snuff box, and his cologne.  And my guys are carrying dead bodies, and he goes, “E-w-w-w!  That’s so rude!  I don’t want to see dead bodies!”  I swear, I wanted to punch him in the nose.  And then he gives me a hard time about the prisoners, like he’s the boss of me.  What an asshole he was.  And I said–I don’t know what I said, actually–either he could have the prisoners, or not–I can’t remember.  And then he’s telling me he would’ve become a soldier himself, except that he didn’t approve of guns.  What a load of horseshit.  The guy’s a fucking pansy.  You  shouldn’t believe anything he told you. 

Blunt (To the King): My lord, I think it’s probably a small matter that’s been blown out of all proportion.  It’s probably best to forget about it.

King: Except for one thing–young Percy here won’t hand over the prisoners unless I  pay the ransom for his brother-in-law, Mortimer–who betrayed me and surrendered to Glendower–and then married Glendower’s daughter!  Mortimer’s a traitor, and I’m not paying his ransom.  Let him stay in Wales and rot there! 

Hotspur: Traitor?  He was no traitor!  He fought Glendower hand-to-hand, and he has the wounds to  prove it!

King: Bullshit.  He never fought Glendower.  He wouldn’t have the guts to fight Glendower.  Now, I don’t want to hear another word about Mortimer.  You just send me those  prisoners at once–otherwise your King is going to be very angry with all three of you Percys.  Understand?

    (The King leaves with Blunt and the Attendants.)

Hotspur: That bastard!  I’m not sending him any prisoners.  I ought to tell him off–

    (He moves to follow the King, but Northumberland restrains him.)

Northumberland: Just cool your jets.–Here comes your uncle.

    (Worcester returns.)

Hotspur (To Worcester): The King called Mortimer a traitor!  Can you believe it?  I’d stand with Mortimer any day.  I’d put him on the throne and to hell with Henry–the ungrateful creep.

Northumberland (To Worcester): Your nephew’s pissed off with the King.

Worcester: Evidently.  Who started it?

Hotspur: He did.  He won’t pay Mortimer’s ransom.  He doesn’t want him back.

Worcester: I’m not surprised.  Mortimer should’ve gotten the throne after Richard.

Hotspur: How is that?

Northumberland: It’s true, son.  Richard made Mortimer his heir before he went off to Ireland to fight the rebels.  When he came back, Henry was in control of most of England, so Richard had no choice but to surrender the throne to him.  Mortimer got squeezed out.

Worcester: And now everyone thinks we’re bad guys because we helped Henry come back from exile.

Northumberland: We were used.

Hotspur: Well, we’re not bad guys.  We may have made a mistake, but we don’t deserve to have our names dragged though the mud because of it.–And after all we did for that son of a bitch.

Northumberland: You  know, Richard predicted this.

Hotspur: Predicted what?

Northumberland: I saw him when he was being taken to Pomfret Castle to be imprisoned.  The  last thing he  said to me was that King Henry and I would have a falling-out.  He said I would feel insufficiently rewarded for all I did for him, and he would treat me with suspicion.

Hotspur: He might decide to hang all three of us.  That’s why we should get him first–

Worcester: Shh!–Don’t say another word.–Harry, I’ve been considering the matter for some time.  I have a plan.  There is–what shall I call it?–an enterprise–awaiting us.  A risky enterprise.  One that will require a great deal of courage.

Hotspur: Courage!  That’s my middle name, uncle.  The only part of me that isn’t courage is what goes to the laundry.  Hell, I’d grab a lion by the tail just to give people something to talk about.  I’d rip the fins off a shark.  I’d kill a rhinoceros for a barbecue.  You know me.

Worcester: Yeah, yeah, I know you, all right.  What I have in mind is something more pertinent–like those Scottish prisoners of yours.

Hotspur: He’s not getting them.  He can bitch all he wants, but he’s not getting a single one.

Worcester: Would you just listen?  No, you’re not going to send him the prisoners.

Hotspur: Damn right, I’m not.  I’d rather carve Mortimer’s name over his bed so he has to look at it the first thing in the morning and the last thing at night.

Worcester: Would you just listen?

Hotspur: I just want to get back at that guy any way I can.  And that son of his, Prince Hal–that low-life degenerate.  I’d poison his beer except that I think the King would be glad to get rid of him.

Northumberland: Just shut up for one minute and let your uncle talk, okay?

Hotspur: Okay.  Whatever.

Worcester: Now listen.  This is what you’re going to do.  You’re going to take your Scottish prisoners and return them to Douglas, and you’re going to make friends with him.  He’d love to topple Henry.  You and he will put together an army in Scotland.  (To Northumberland) You, Henry, will go see the Archbishop of York.  He has a grudge against the King.  The King executed his brother for supporting Richard.  He’ll be glad to join us.  He’s got influence.  Now, I’ve already made some preliminary moves, and I know that there are forces out there that we can reach out to and bring together.  It’s just a matter of waiting for the right time to strike.

Hotspur: I get it.–Scotland–York–and Mortimer and Glendower.

Worcester: Right.  And we have to get started now.  The King doesn’t regard us as friends any more.

Hotspur: And we’re not.  That’s for sure.

Worcester: Harry, you just wait for my instructions.  I’ll send you letters.  Pretty soon I’ll be going to Wales to meet with Glendower and Mortimer.  I want to arrange everything so that all the forces come together and strike at the same time.  And that’ll be the end of King Henry.

Northumberland: Good luck, brother.

Hotspur: This’ll be great!  I love a good war!

    (They all leave.)

Act 2, Scene 1.  An inn-yard in Rochester.  A Carrier (delivery man) comes in with a lantern.

Carrier: Four a.m. already.  Time to get going.  (Calls) Hey, stableman!  Get my horse ready!

Stableman (Within): Yeah, yeah.

    (A Second Carrier comes in with a lantern.)

Second Carrier: What rotten horse feed they have here.  Ever since Robin died, this place has gone to hell.

First Carrier: You said it.

Second: And the fleas!  I’m half-eaten alive.

First Carrier: I’m sure I’m three-quarters eaten.

Second Carrier: And they don’t even give you a chamber pot.  They expect you to  piss in the fireplace.

First Carrier: Yeah.  And they don’t even give you travel rewards.  How do they expect people to come back?–What are you carrying?

Second Carrier: Ham and ginger root.  Delivering them to Charing Cross.

First Carrier: I’ve got turkeys to deliver–hopefully still alive.

Second Carrier: Yes, yes.  You don’t want no dead poultry.

    (Gadshill comes in.)

Gadshill: Ah, carriers!  Early morning deliveries, eh?

First Carrier: No.  We’re going to play polo.

Gadshill: Ha, ha!–What time is it?

First Carrier (Suspiciously): Oh–about two, I should think.

Gadshill: Say, lend me your lantern, would you?  I want to check on my horse.

First Carrier: Ha!–Lend you my lantern!

Gadshill (To the Second Carrier): Lend me yours, then.

Second Carrier: Sorry, it’s against company policy.

Gadshill: Oh, dear.–So, uh, what time do you plan to be in London?

Second Carrier: At the time of our arrival.

Gadshill: Ah.  Of course.

Second Carrier (To the First): We’d better go wake up the gentlemen.  They want to travel together for safety, since they’re carrying valuables.

    (Both Carriers leave.)

Gadshill (Calling): Chamberlain!  [Author's note: A male housekeeper]

    (The Chamberlain comes in.)

Chamberlain (Cheerfully): Your trusty chamberlain, sir!

Gadshill: And henchman.

Chamberlain: That, too.

Gadshill: How’s it look?

Chamberlain: Just as I told you last night.  One guy’s a landowner from Kent.  He’s carrying three hundred marks in gold.  And another guy’s a tax collector or something.  He’s carrying a lot of money.  They’re just having breakfast now.

Gadshill: Mmm–perfect.

Chamberlain: You and some thugs gonna rob ‘em on the way, then?

Gadshill: Thugs?  Please!  I  only associate with highly-placed gentlemen who engage in a specialized form of nocturnal commerce.

Chamberlain: They’ll be highly-placed, all right–(Makes a gesture like a man hanged in a noose) about six feet off the ground–ha, ha.

Gadshill: Not a chance.  This is a totally foolproof operation.  Nothing bad can happen.

Chamberlain: Don’t forget my little reward.

Gadshill: Don’t worry.  You’ll get your little reward.  After all, I’m an honest man.

Chamberlain: Oh, that goes without saying sir!  Ha, ha!

Gadshill: Tell the stableman to get my horse.

Chamberlain: Yes, yes.

    (They leave.)

Act 2, Scene 2.  Nighttime on the high road.  [The place name in the original is Gad's Hill.]  Prince Henry and Ned Poins come in.  [Some texts have Peto and Bardolph come in also, but this confuses Poins's trick.  I am disregarding Pelican and No Fear Shakespeare on this point and following instead the New Clarendon Shakespeare.  Peto and Bardolph will come in shortly.]

Poins: I stole Falstaff’s horse and hid it in the bushes.  He’s really pissed.

Prince Henry: Okay.  Good.  You stay hidden.

    (Poins goes out.  Falstaff comes in.)

Falstaff: Poins!  Where the hell are you?

Prince Henry: Hey, quiet.

Falstaff: Where’s Poins?

Prince Henry: He’s up on the hill.  I’ll go look for him.

    (Prince Henry pretends to leave but hides instead.)

Falstaff: Fuckin’ sons of bitches.  I’ll bet they hid my horse on purpose.  This is the last time I ever go on a job with them.  If I have to go on foot, I’ll have a heart attack.  I don’t know why I put up with that prince.  A fine way to treat a knight!  And I’m a knight!–Poins!–Hal!–Bardolph!–Peto!  (A whistle is heard.)  Where are you guys?  Who’s got my horse?

    (Prince Henry returns with Poins.)

Prince Henry: Stop shouting.  You’ll ruin everything.  Just listen for the travelers.

Falstaff: I need my horse, damn it!  Come on, be a good guy.  Get me my horse.

Prince Henry: Hey, what am I, your stable boy?

Falstaff: Hal, I’m a knight, for fuck’s sake!  You can’t expect me to do a robbery on foot.  How would that look?  If I don’t get my horse, I’ll rat you all out.

    (Gadshill comes in.  It’s dark, so he doesn’t recognize the others immediately.)

Gadshill: Don’t move, any of you!

Falstaff: I’m not moving without my horse, damn it!

Poins: It’s Gadshill.–Gadshill, where’s Bardolph and Peto?

Gadshill: They’re just coming.

    (Bardolph and Peto come in.)

Bardolph: Is everything ready?

Gadshill: Yeah.  Everyone put on your masks.  The travelers are on the way.

    (They put on masks, except for Prince Henry and Poins.)

Falstaff: This better be worth it.

Prince Henry: Oh, it’ll be worth it, all right.  Now, you four guys wait for them here.  Poins and I will wait further down.  That way, if they get past you, we’ll stop them.

Peto: How many are there?

Gadshill: Eight or ten.

Falstaff: Oh, God!  We’ll be outnumbered.

Prince Henry: Don’t be a wimp.

Falstaff: I want my horse, and I want it now!  Where’s my goddamn horse?

Poins: Don’t worry about your horse.  He’s out of sight behind the hedge.

Prince Henry (Aside to Poins): You have the disguises?

Poins (Aside to Prince Henry): I got ‘em.

    (Prince Henry and Poins leave.)

Falstaff (In a commanding voice): Now, men, everyone stand firm.  Think of courage.  Think of honour.  And, above all, think of the money.

    (The Travelers come in.)

Thieves: Stick ‘em up!

    (The Travelers scream.)

Falstaff: Hand over your money, you rich bastards!  Don’t try to get away or we’ll cut your throats!

    (The action moves offstage in order to clear the stage for Prince Henry and Poins.  We hear cries and complaints offstage.  Then Prince Henry and Poins return in disguise and conceal themselves.  The thieves return.)

Falstaff: I think we struck it rich, lads.  Now let’s split it up and get out of here.  We’ll forget about Hal and Poins.  They’re such cowards they probably ran home.

    (While he’s taking out the money, Prince Henry and Poins, disguised, leap out.)

Prince Henry: Freeze!  Give us the money!

Poins: Rich bastards!–Let’s cut their throats!

    (The thieves scream and flee.  Falstaff makes a brief, pathetic attempt to fight but then flees, leaving all the money behind.)

Poins: See?  I told you it would be easy.

Prince Henry: I’ll bet those guys are shitting their pants.  And they won’t know each other in the dark.  They’ll think they’re being chased.

Poins: Old Fat Jack will have a heart attack.

Prince Henry: I almost feel sorry for him.  Did you see him try to fight?  What a doofus!

    (He imitates Falstaff trying to fight.  They leave, laughing.)

Act 2, Scene 3.  Hotspur’s castle at Warkworth.  Hotspur comes in reading a letter.

Hotspur (Reading aloud): “I must tell you, sir, as much as I respect you and your family, I cannot be part of your plan.  It is dangerous and doomed to fail.  You cannot trust your allies.  Your timing is wrong.  And you simply don’t have enough power.”–Bastard!  I never should have asked him to join us.  He’s a goddamn coward.  I’ve got all the power I need–Mortimer–York–Glendower–Douglas.  They’ve all agreed to meet me on the ninth.–This guy will probably run off and tell the King now.  Well, fuck ‘em both.   I’m ready to fight any time.  I’ll leave tonight.

    (His wife, Lady Percy, comes in.)

Lady Percy: My dear, what’s come over you?  You haven’t slept with me for two weeks.  Something’s wrong.  I know it.

Hotspur: No, no.

Lady Percy: Oh, yes.  I hear you talking in your sleep.  You talk as if you were in a battle.  It frightens me.  You must tell me what’s going on.  After all, I’m your wife.

Hotspur (Calling): Giles!   

    (The servant Giles comes in.  [In the original, he is not named.])

Servant: Yes, my lord.

Hotspur: Did Gilliams take my letters?

Servant: Yes, my lord.  He left an hour ago.

Hotspur: Did Butler bring those horses?

Servant: He brought the brown one, sir.

Hotspur: Good.  I’ll be wanting him in a few minutes.  Tell him to get him ready.

Servant: I will, my lord.

    (The Servant leaves.)

Lady Percy: Does this have anything to do with my brother Mortimer?  Are you going to help him overthrow the King?

Hotspur: No, no, no–don’t be silly.

Lady  Percy: If you love me, you’ll tell me the truth.

Hotspur: Love! Love! Love!  Why do women always resort to that?

Lady Percy: Oh, then you don’t love me, do you?

Hotspur: Yes, I love you.  All right?  You shouldn’t doubt it.  But right now you just have to trust me.  If I don’t tell you anything, it’s for your own good.  I have to go tonight, but I’ll send for you as soon as I can.  All right?

Lady Percy (Unhappily): All right.

    (They leave.)

Act 2, Scene 4.  A room in the Boar’s Head Tavern in Eastcheap.  Prince Henry and Poins are drinking.

Prince Henry: You know, Ned, I know  all the waiters in this place.  I’m like one of the boys here.  I can talk their language.  I can joke around with them.  I don’t act like a prince.  You know why?

Poins: Why?

Prince Henry: Any noble can build relationships with other nobles.  But very few nobles think about building relationships with the ordinary people.  Someday when I’m King, I’ll know I can count on these people, and thousands like them.

Poins: That’s very wise.  You’ve got your head screwed on straighter than people realize.

    (The Innkeeper comes in.)

Innkeeper: My lord, Sir John Falstaff and his friends want to come in.  Shall I admit them?

Prince Henry: In a minute.  Send the waiter in with some wine when you let them in.

Innkeeper: Very good, sir.

    (The Innkeeper leaves.)

Prince Henry: I can’t wait to hear what that old walrus has to say about the robbery.  This ought to be hilarious.

Poins: That was the best prank of all time.  You know, I’ll bet young Hotspur never enjoyed a prank in his whole life.

Prince Henry: Oh, hell, no.  When he’s bored, he wants to kill people.  He’ll kill fifty Scotsmen before breakfast, then he’ll come home for lunch, and then he’ll go back out and kill another fifty.  And his wife will say, “Oh, Harry, did you have a nice day killing Scotsmen?”  And he’ll say, “Oh, I could’ve killed a lot  more, but my horse got tired.”

    (Falstaff, Gadshill, Bardolph, and Peto come in, followed closely by a Waiter with wine.)

Poins: Jack!  Wassup, dude?

Falstaff: This world is full of cowards!  To hell with them!  (To the Waiter) Pour me some wine, you proletarian.–I don’t know what this world is coming to.  (He drinks.)

Prince Henry: You look like hell, Jack.

Falstaff (To the Waiter): Hey, there’s lime in this wine!  What kind of place are you running here?–Bloody cowards.  I swear, there are only three good men in all of England that haven’t been hanged yet, and I’m one of them.  What a world!

Prince Henry: What’s the matter, you overdresssed block of lard?

Falstaff: And you call yourself a prince!  I’ve a good mind to beat you with a stick.

Prince Henry: What for?

Falstaff: For being a coward, that’s what for!–And you, too, Poins!

Poins: Me?  Don’t call me a coward, you bag of blubber.

Falstaff: Fine friends you are–both of you.  Deserting us in a fight like that.  (He drinks.) You ought to be ashamed.

Prince Henry: Aw, now, what happened, Sir John?

Falstaff: I’ll tell you what happened.  The four of us stole a thousand pounds last night–at least a thousand.

Prince Henry: Oh!  Where is it?

Falstaff: I don’t have it.  A hundred guys appeared out of nowhere and took it from us.

Prince Henry: A hundred?  Oh, my goodness!

Falstaff: I fought with them, mind you.  I was in the thick of it with a hozen of those villains for at least two hours.  I was mighty lucky to get away.–See here?  (Indicates holes in his clothes) Here’s where they stabbed me with their swords.–And here–and here.–And here’s another one.  And look at my sword, how chewed up it is.  (Shows his sword) I had to fight like a devil, and it was the best fighting I ever did.–Ain’t that right, fellas?

Gadshill, Peto, and Bardolph: Yeah, yeah.

Prince Henry: Oh, my God.  But tell me the whole story from the beginning.

Gadshill: Well, first we jumped the travelers–about a dozen of them.

Falstaff: More like sixteen.

Gadshill: And we tied them up.