War of the Umiaks
May 5, 2008
You already missed half the story, you stupid sod.
You were either dozing or looking out the window when this story started, and you missed the hottest action. Yes, I know, you were just watching the world go by your train window, just daydreaming, and I’m supposed to wait until you’re ready. Well, I’m not starting over again just for your sake.
At this moment — if you’re quite ready to join us — Anikagloolik and her long-time enemy, Elikamaloolik, are lying exhausted on the Arctic ice after battling with each other for an hour — all of which you missed, of course. They had spied each other on the water and headed for each other in their umiaks, and when they met, it was paddle against paddle. There’s nothing worse than two Eskimo women fighting with umiak paddles. (If there is, tell me tomorrow.)
“Hit yourself,” said Anikagloolik, panting. “I’m too tired to hit you.”
“No, you hit yourself,” said Elikamaloolik, wheezing. “I won anyway.”
“No, I won.”
“You dented my umiak. You’ll pay for that.”
“It was already dented.”
Suddenly, their attention was arrested by a flock of whooping cranes flying high overhead.
“What kind of birds are those?” said Elikamaloolik. “I’ve never seen them before.”
“Whatever they are, they sure don’t belong here,” said Amikagloolik. “I’ll bet it’s global warming. Everything’s messed up.”
“Look at those clouds,” said Elikamaloolik. “They’re looking weird. I think something bad is going to happen.”
Yes, something bad did happen, but you weren’t paying attention because you dozed off again, didn’t you? Do you have a problem with your brain? Is this story too hard for you to understand?
Never mind. Most of the world was destroyed, and it was very violent and noisy and terrifying, but you were zoned out and missed it. Some islands in the Arctic did survive, including Melville Island, Cornwallis Island, Eglinton Island, Borden Island, Bathurst Island, Devon Island, King Christian Island, Wrangel Island, New Siberian Island, Komsomolets Island, Ushakov Island, and Novaya Zemlya — all of which are true, authentic islands you could find on a map if you were sufficiently motivated, which I seriously doubt.
Okay, that’s the end of the story. Now, get lost, because I’ve got some things to do, and I want to take a nap first, which I richly deserve after writing such a high-powered thriller, most of which you missed.
(Movie rights to this story are available at the usual industry rates.)
Copyright@ 2008 by Crad Kilodney, Toronto, Canada. E-mail: email@example.com