I have been compiling a list of the worst things for you, according to various scientific authorities:
1. instant mashed potatoes
2. tap water
3. bottled water
6. artificial sweeteners
8. deli meats
10. soft plastics
That’s it. I would have thought that perhaps cyanide, hemlock, strychnine, nerve gas, or plutonium would be the worst thing for you, but evidently they don’t even make the top ten. On the other hand, neither do tobacco or alcohol, so we can be grateful for that.
Instant mashed potatoes are the biggest surprise. I’m assured by a friend who is an expert computer programmer that instant mashed potatoes speed up the metabolism because of the sudden rush of carbohydrates. You can’t keep it up, so your body gets confused and you die. I have been tempted to warn people when I’m in my local supermarket, but I want to be able to shop there again.
Tap water contains all sorts of nasty chemicals supposedly put in to make it safe to drink or to stop cavities, but if you want to see what you’re really drinking, look at the rust stains on your bathroom porcelain. You can’t get rid of them.
Bottled water is just tap water with a label on it. I have this from numerous unimpeachable sources, including a Chinese grocer.
Sugar gives you diabetes and heart disease, not to mention rotting your teeth. There is also a 90% correlation between sugar addiction and violent behavior. (See Journal of Food and Violence, Sept., 2004.)
Salt is bad for your heart and circulatory system. It also kills your brain cells. If you let your children eat salty snacks, you are a murderer.
Artificial sweeteners cause horrible mutations in mice, as has been proven by laboratory experiments at the University of Ornskoldrik (Sweden), which specializes in such things. The scientist who made this discovery has been nominated either for the Nobel Prize or some other one.
Pork is virtually all fat, which clogs your arteries so you fall over dead without warning. (The pigs themselves don’t fall over dead because they’re used to it.)
Deli meats are full of preservatives — nitrates or nitrites, or some such thing. Explosives are also made with nitro-stuff. Anything with any form of nitrogen is deadly because — believe it or not — there is no antidote for nitrogen!
Sunlight causes skin cancer, so you really shouldn’t go out in the day at all. The moon reflects sunlight, so that’s just as bad. And stars are the same as the sun, so their light is exactly the same. Smothering your entire body with a sunscreen lotion with a PF or PH rating of at least 900 reduces the danger by approximately 15%, which is better than nothing.
Soft plastics contain something called phthalates, which cause cancer in babies and destroy your kidneys. Shower curtains radiate the stuff when the hot water hits them, and you can’t get it off you. It just goes right through your skin.
The good news is that alcohol is actually good for the heart, caffeine stimulates the brain, and nicotine is a mood-regulator. The Mormons, however, avoid all three, which explains why their average life span is so short that they need to convert people to maintain their population. (See Journal of Nutrition and Religious Studies, July, 1997.)
Copyright@ Crad Kilodney, Toronto, Canada. E-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org