The last time I ran for President as a write-in candidate was in 2000 (see www.cradkilodney.net), and you know what happened. The vote was so close in Florida, no one knew if Bush or Gore had been elected. I have cousins in Florida, so I believe my write-in votes led to the mess.
Now, with another very close contest in the U.S., it is only fitting that I throw my hat (the old gray one) in the ring once more. I ask — no, I demand — that Americans write in CRAD KILODNEY for President!
Although I live in Canada, I am still an American citizen, so I am qualified. And I’m reasonably sure that I have nothing particularly bad in my past for which documentation still exists.
And now for my platform:
We should pull all our forces out of Iraq and Afghanistan and nuke the Iranians instead, since they’re behind all the trouble.
What’s the bloody point of making passengers discard their water bottles, hair gel, toothpaste, and all the other things normal people carry, and then make them line up for an hour to go through security, when it’s a lot simpler just to bar Muslims from flying altogether? Let them take the train or bus, or, better yet, a slow boat back to the Middle East.
Oil Drilling Vs. The Environment
Wherever the oil is, that’s where you have to drill. We need that oil. If it disturbs the wildlife, they can go elsewhere. The same with mining. You have to build the mine where the ore is. Never mind if it’s in the path of the annual caribou migration. When the caribou get to the mine, they’ll probably just go around it. And if they’re too stupid to do that, f—k ’em.
As I said eight years ago, the only reasonable criterion for immigration is physical beauty. I don’t mind picking the applicants myself. We would let in lots of hot Russian and East European babes, and vitually no darkies. AND NO MORE CHINESE1
The poor will always be with us. The Bible says so. It’s not the government’s problem if you’re poor. Find a liberal to adopt you.
If we’re going to ignore poor Americans, it’s only fair that we ignore poor people elsewhere. All that money gets stolen anyway.
We have crime because police have become wimps. Police should be brutal, like in the old days. And they should go back to using guns with bullets, instead of Tasers and pepper spray.
Laws against smoking are un-American. We wouldn’t have won the Second World War without smokers. Eisenhower smoked. Roosevelt smoked. MacArthur smoked. Patton smoked. Montgomery and Churchill smoked. Stalin smoked. Would you tell these people to go outside? And I sure miss those great cigarette commercials on TV from the fifties, so let’s bring them back.
The President’s Salary
Isn’t the President worth as much as a pro basketball player? Five million a year would make me happy.
Medicare and Social Security
There’s enough money to keep them going for at least another ten years, so it’s not my problem.
I’m overrun by Chinese in my own neighborhood. I like their food, but I don’t like them. When they talk, it all sounds like “ching-chang-chung-chung.” It makes me want to punch them. As for China itself, we hear far too much about it, and we should all try to put it out of our minds. If the Chinese Ambassador calls me, I’m out to lunch.
Americans are overtaxed because there’s a huge underground economy that doesn’t pay any taxes at all. Start taxing all those escorts who advertise in the newspapers, and there’ll be plenty of revenue.
As long as you have air conditioning, what do you care? Besides, what do you expect me to do, fix the earth? Forget about it.
The U.S. Dollar
Is the rest of the world turning away from the U.S. dollar? There’s one sure way to find out. Go to any foreign country and drop one on the sidewalk and see what happens.
The role of the Vice-President will be to meet with people I don’t want to meet with, so he will have to be suitably charming. Also, he has to be a morning person, because I prefer to sleep late. I haven’t picked a running mate yet, but I think I’d prefer any ex-Hollywood actor who is very right-wing. He can be a minor B-movie actor, that’s okay. Send me an e-mail if you think you’re the one.
My Vision of America
Presidential candidates are all supposed to have a “new vision of America.” Well, I don’t. I like the old vision, and I want it back. Call me a WACKO FRINGE CANDIDATE, I don’t care. (Hey, search engines, come and find me!)
Within one week of my inauguration, school children will be able to pray in public schools again. If the Supreme Court tries to stop me, I’ll cut off their janitorial services. And if the ACLU tries to stop me, I’ll just have them shot.
Now, more than ever before, America needs a mean son of a bitch like me in the White House. So get out there and spread the word: write in CRAD KILODNEY for President! And if anyone says they’re against me, stop them from voting (like we did in Florida in 2000). You can make a difference, if you’re willing to be pushy.
Copyright@ 2008, by Crad Kilodney, Toronto, Canada. E-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org