Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the sixteenth installment of our interview series, “Extreme Writers,” sponsored by the Arts Council of Moose River and by Garbanzo Waste Disposal, where “we treat you and your junk with equal respect.”
This evening’s guest author is Crad Kilodney. He will be interviewed by Ms. Agraka X. Pniu, editor of the Knerpie Literary Review. Ms. Pniu, please begin.
Interviewer: Mr. Kilodney, where do you get your ideas?
Kilodney: My ideas?…I…uh…well…I really don’t know how to answer that.
Int.: How long does it take you to write a book?
K.: How long?…Well, I…I really couldn’t say.
Int.: Which is your best book and your worst book?
K.: Oh…uh…I…don’t know…I…
Int.: How do you deal with rejection?
K.: Rejection…I…uh…I suppose I just…carry on.
Int.: Why haven’t any big publishers published you?
K.: Uh…I…I couldn’t give you an answer, I’m afraid.
Int.: Why do you think you have any talent?
K.: Uh…uh…I have no answer for that…I’m sorry.
Int.: Don’t you think you would have done better if you had majored in English in college, instead of something useless like astronomy?
K.: Well…I’ll never know.
Int.: One critic described your writing as “an almost random assemblage of words and sentences, devoid of meaning and integrity.” Is that true?
K.: Oh…uh…I…I hope not.
Int.: Does the writer have a responsibility to uplift society, or is it all right just to be in it for the money?
K.: I…I’m afraid I’m at a loss to answer that.
Int.: You live off the stock market these days. Doesn’t that negate your entire literary career?
K.: Well…I have to support myself….Sorry about that.
Int.: What awards have you won?
K.: Oh…I haven’t won any, I’m afraid.
Int.: If you had to live your life over, what would you do different?
K.: I don’t know…I…really couldn’t say.
Int.: If you had to be an animal, what kind would you want to be?
K.: Animal?…Animal…I…I never thought about it…I don’t know.
Int.: How exactly do you write?
K.: I…uh…I write with a pen…and paper.
Int.: Why don’t you get a computer?
K.: I don’t know computers.
Int.: Why aren’t you more famous?
K.: Well…I…I don’t know.
Int.: Who is your favorite movie star?
K.: I don’t know…I…I’m not sure.
Int.: Do you have any pets?
K.: Pets?…No…no pets.
Int.: What do you watch on television?
K.: Television?…Television…Not much….Maybe the weather channel.
Int.: What would be a good epitaph for your gravestone?
K.: Oh, god…oh….I…I…I’m feeling faint.
Int.: “I’m feeling faint”? That’s rather clever. I like it. And I have no further questions, so thank you, Crad Kilodney.
K.: Oh…yes…you’re welcome.
This concludes the evening’s activities. I want to thank Crad Kilodney and Ms. Agraka X. Pniu for a truly scintillating and memorable interview. Next week, our guest author will be Farouk al-Jawali, author of Herbs of Agony. He will be interviewed by Prof. Ruta Ghaoutsi-Habib of Munger College.
Please leave in an orderly fashion through the back door, and be careful exiting the parking lot, as we have no liability insurance. Thank you and good night.
Copyright@ 2008, by Crad Kilodney, Toronto, Canada. E-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org