Grvapna, The Blood-Sucking Giraffe From Sheboygan, Wisconsin (A 5-Minute Play For Mental Patients)

June 3, 2008


    Norm and Otto: customers

    Evelyn: waitress

    Hector: cook

(The setting: Harry’s Diner, 2504 Calumet Dr., Sheboygan, Wisconsin.  Norm and Otto are seated in a booth.)

Norm:  They shut my plant down today on account of that giraffe.

Otto:  Me, too.  They told everyone to stay home.  They even canceled bowling.

Norm:  It’s a darn shame that something like this should happen to a nice, peaceful town like Sheboygan.

Otto:  They say it’s not like a normal giraffe, you know.

Norm:  No kidding.  It’s three storeys tall and it drinks blood.

Otto (squinting out the window):  What’s that down there?

Norm (turning to look):  That’s a crane.  You need glasses, boy!

    (Evelyn, the waitress, stops at the table.)

Evelyn:  You boys want some lemon meringue pie?

Norm:  I’ll think about it.  (Looking around.)  The place is almost empty.

Evelyn:  Yeah, it’s that damn giraffe.  It’s killing our business.  And you know what?  It got the cook.

Norm:  Vinnie?

Evelyn:  Yup.  Got him in his driveway.   Sucked all his blood out.

Otto:  God almighty!

Norm:  Gee, that’s too bad.  So who’s cooking?

Evelyn:  We got this new guy name of Hector.  He’s from Guatemala or somewhere.  (Leaning over confidentially)  I think he’s illegal, but as long as he can cook, who cares?

    (Distant thuds are heard, like slow footsteps of a huge animal.  They last for about ten seconds.)

Evelyn:  Oh, my lord!  I hope it’s not that giraffe!  I wish the police would just shoot the thing!

Otto:  Maybe bullets can’t hurt it.

Evelyn:  Who says bullets can’t hurt it?

Otto:  I’m just saying.  It could be like a mutation.

Evelyn:  A mutation from what?

Otto:  Could be from anything.  Could be pollution or radiation.

Evelyn:  Aw, g’won.

Norm:  Otto, you failed science.  You don’t know nothing about it.

Otto:  Hey, I watch science stuff on TV, Norm.  I seen a program about killer bees.  They’re getting further north every year.  We’ll have ’em here one of these days.

Evelyn:  Hold it, there’s something on the TEE-vee.  Lemme turn it up.  (Reaches up to adjust the TV mounted on the wall.)

TV Newscaster:  Grvapna, the blood-sucking giraffe, has now killed fourteen people, according to police.  City Council is now meeting in an emergency session, while outside City Hall, animal rights protestors have gathered in an effort to save the beast.  They say it is an endangered species that should be kept alive for study.

Norm:  Bunch of idiots!  Turn it off!

    (Evelyn reaches up and turns off the TV.)

Evelyn:  This country’s going to the dogs, I’m telling you!

Norm:  McCain’s the man!  He’d kill that giraffe in no time!

Otto:  He would.  And what did Obama say?  He said he’d study all aspects of the problem.

Norm:  That means he wouldn’t do nothing.

    (Louder thuds are heard.)

Otto (looking out the window):  There it is!  Norm!  Evelyn!

Evelyn:  Oh, my lord!  Is it coming this way?

Norm:  No, it’s turning down North Twentieth.  Probably going to the park.

    (Thuds fade away.)

Evelyn:  Oh, those poor people!

Norm:  The park is probably empty, don’t worry.

Evelyn:  I wonder how that giraffe got here anyway.

Otto:  It could have migrated from Africa.

Norm:  Africa isn’t connected to North America, Otto.

Otto:  Maybe it swam.

Norm:  We’re not on the ocean.  That’s Lake Michigan.

Otto:  It could be a secret government experiment that went all wrong.  That’s it!  That’s why they haven’t killed it!  The government knows all about it!

Norm:  You’re crazy.

Otto:  Have you got a better explanation?

Norm (thinking):  No.

Otto:  So there!

Evelyn:  Say, where’d they get that name anyway ?  Grvapna. 

Norm:  I think the Japs named it.

Evelyn:  The Japs?

Norm (winking at Evelyn to signal that he’s putting Otto on):  Sure.  Whenever they have a new monster, they have a name for it right away.  They just loaned us a name.

Otto:   Is that a fact?  I thought it was named after Vince Lombardi’s cat.

Norm:  Vince Lombardi didn’t have no cat named Grvapna.

Evelyn:  Vince Lombardi!  You knucklehead!

Norm:  Say, I think I will have some pie, Evelyn.  I don’t think it’s safe to go home yet.

Evelyn:  Coming right up.  How about you, Otto?

Otto:  No, thanks.  (Evelyn leaves.)   You think that giraffe is going to hang around here a long time?

Norm:  It’s hard to tell with these things.  Maybe when it gets its fill of blood, it’ll move on.

Otto:  You figure?

Norm:  Could be.

Otto:   Giraffes aren’t supposed to drink blood, you know.  They eat leaves and stuff.  I seen a couple at a zoo once.  They looked like they wouldn’t hurt anyone.

Norm:  Nothing’s normal any more, boy!  You got gay marriage, freaky weather, terrorists, gas at four bucks a gallon….It’s not like the old days.

Otto:  That’s for sure.

    (Evelyn returns with the pie and puts it in front of Norm.)

Evelyn:  You know the one good thing about that damn giraffe?

Norm:  No, what?

Evelyn:  It made us famous!  Now everyone knows where Sheboygan is!

Otto:  Yeah, maybe somebody’ll make a movie about Sheboygan and the big giraffe!

Norm:  Yeah, I betcha.  So you might say those people didn’t die in vain.  Their deaths had, like, you know, meaning.  Although I have to admit getting your blood sucked out by a big giraffe probably isn’t the nicest way to die.

Otto:  Sheboygan will bounce back from this tragedy!  We’ll be better than ever!  We’ll be the best town in America!

    (Hector enters from the side where the kitchen is.  He is dressed in women’s clothing — tight red sweater with an overstuffed bra, miniskirt, black fish-net stockings, and high heels.  He has a long, dark wig and heavy make-up.  He is holding a ladle, so the audience knows immediately he’s the cook.)

Hector (loudly):  Behold, at that time I will undo all that afflict thee: and I will save her that halteth, and gather her that was driven out; and I will get them praise and fame in every land where they have been put to shame!

Evelyn (to Norm and Otto):  You see, you should always put your name and address on your mind in case you lose it.

Hector:  Sic itur ad astra!

Otto (to Norm):  What language is that?

Norm:  Must be Guatemalan.

    (Very loud thuds are heard, mixed with weird animal bellows.  Dust falls from the ceiling.)

Evelyn:  Oh, my lord!  It’s here!

Otto:  Grvapna!  It’s Grvapna!

Norm:  Holy Jumping Jesus!  This is it!

    (Lights flicker and go out.  Screaming, sounds of violent breakage, weird animal bellows…..Curtain.)

    Copyright@ 2008, by Crad Kilodney, Toronto, Canada.  E-mail:  



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