Schopenhauer is my favorite German philosopher so far, because I can relate to him. He was a recluse, an elitist, and a grouch, but also an excellent writer. He disliked most people but loved his dogs. I also dislike most people but like other people’s dogs (except those that bark constantly). Schopenhauer believed the most important aspect of human nature was individual motivation. (This is also what makes my stories so brilliant.) He preferred aristocracy over democracy and believed the best way to achieve Utopia was to sterilize imbeciles and pair up the superior males and females. Hegel was his nemesis. They both taught philosophy at the University of Berlin. Schopenhauer regarded Hegel as a phony, and he couldn’t understand why Hegel’s lecture hall was always full, while his own was practically empty. What he didn’t know was that Hegel had arranged secretly for a woman with big tits to attend his lectures, knowing that all the male students would show up just to look at her. Schopenhauer’s family was prosperous. They owned a chain of bargain stores staffed by Indians. Now, these Indians were of a higher caste than the riffraff you find in bargain stores today, and it was through them that Schopenhauer learned about the Upanishads, a work of philosophy that influenced his own book, The World as Will and Representation (1819). If you were around in the 60’s, you occasionally heard people refer to the Upanishads, but these days you’d never find it in a bookstore. And if you went into any bargain stores and asked the Indians if they were familiar with the Upanishads, they’d think you were asking about window shades. So, forget it. Just try to rise above human desires and achieve enlightenment by detachment. If that doesn’t work, watch a lot of stupid TV and try to block out the outside world from your mind. Outside there is nothing but conflict caused by contrary wills, and it’s all pain and frustration, and you’ll never find fulfillment of any sort, especially in Toronto, where there are no normal women left that you can have sex with. (Don’t even consider the white trash drug-addicted hookers on Sherbourne St.) Schopenhauer would agree with me totally. Schopenhauer was somewhat a misogynist, and you can’t blame him. He was sued by this bitch named Marquet, who knew he had money, so she provoked him into slapping her and then pretended that she had been severely beaten. She had a friend back her up in court as a witness. It was a total frame-up, and Schopenhauer had to pay. Sounds just like Canada. It would have been a front page story for the Toronto Star: Woman Beaten By Rich Philosopher. (Next column over: Crippled Child Reunited With Puppy.) When I finish building my Time Machine, I’m going back to fix that bitch. Schopenhauer was said to be an atheist, but he did find an obscure religious sect that worshipped animals, and since he was an animal-lover, he joined it, just for the social contact, not so much the theology. He met them through a prostitute who loved dogs, although in a different way. This sect, which had no name, worshipped a giant turtle, and some film buffs believe this was the basis for the Japanese monster Gammera. Somebody could probably get a Canada Council grant to study the matter further. Recently, a professor of finance in San Francisco published an article explaining Schopenhauer’s philosophy as “a prolegomenon to the existing concept of fuzziness.” This is an example of what the French call “trying to fart higher than your ass.” Anyone who uses the word “prolegomenon” has a major fuzziness problem himself. Only dickheads use the word “prolegomenon.” After his death, Schopenhauer had more influence on the world than Hegel did, which more than makes up for Berlin. It’s good to get even, even if it’s posthumous. Liberals today like Schopenhauer because he wrote some things in favor of animal rights, women’s rights, and black people. Personally, I think they’re taking him a bit too far, but who am I to tamper with his reputation? Oh, yeah, I almost forgot: Schopenhauer invented the Western omelet. He used eggs, chopped ham, onion, green pepper, and mushrooms (no milk or cheese). No, I don’t have a source on that. Just repeat it to everyone you know.
1. Junior Metaphysics In Action, by J.C. Tressler, 1956, D.C. Heath & Co.
2. Naked Came The Philosopher, by Penelope Ashe, 1969, Lyle Stuart, Inc.
3. Fog Over Weimar, by Hedwig Fliege, 1988, Plattsburgh Feminist Alliance.
Copyright@ 2008 by Crad Kilodney, Toronto, Canada. E-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org