Conquest and Horror (My best story ever!)
December 8, 2008
This story starts slowly and gathers momentum until it explodes in a nerve-shattering climax. Along the way, the reader is treated to numerous colorful characters and subplots involving espionage, global catastrophe, romance, and the supernatural.
Excuse me….I have just been informed that this story has received scathing reviews in the Toronto Star and Saturday Night. Therefore, it will be necessary to go back and make changes while there is still time to save my literary reputation.
Ahem….This story starts with a bang, and then the reader meets the two principal characters — a man and a woman — who are in a troubled relationship. A lot of back story is given to explain the problems between them. The plot has been simplified to deal with condo development. The man wants to redeem himself by building a spectacular condo project, but the woman tells him he has to choose between her and the building….Unfortunately, this will not do, as it appears the story has received even worse reviews in The Globe and Mail and Maclean’s, and certain harsh comments have been made about the author. So it will be necessary to start over.
Thank you for your patience….This story begins with a long description of the Hawaiian Islands, where it will now take place, instead of Moncton, New Brunswick, as previously intended. This should make it more commercially acceptable to American publishers (all the Canadian ones hate me anyway). The protagonist is a CIA agent, and his female counterpart is the divorced wife of an unscrupulous Wall Street money manager….I’m sorry. There is a problem. This story has already been rejected by Esquire and Playboy, although no reason has been given. The rejection slips merely say that it does not meet their editorial needs. Frankly, I doubt they even read it.
All right, never mind. A few changes, and we’ll be back in business….A beautiful young rock star receives a human head in a box. There is no note, and she doesn’t recognize the man’s face. (Now I’m sure I’m on to something!) She calls her friend, who is a bumbling but humorous private investigator who looks like Walter Matthau. The scene shifts to somewhere I haven’t decided on yet, and the reader realizes that the box was delivered to the wrong address! (This is sensational!) The bumbling investigator, however, stumbles onto a clue (I don’t know what, but I’ll think of something), which leads him to a gang of drug traffickers. (This is a winner! I’m sure of it!)….Oh….I’m sorry….My mistake….It seems that a very similar story was published only minutes ago in The Idaho Review, and the movie rights have already been optioned to HBO. I don’t believe this! This is either the worst luck a person could have, or there’s something fishy going on!
Okay, I’m not through with this sucker. I’ll give it one more try….A prospector in Alaska stumbles onto the richest gold deposit in the world. Now he has to lock up the mineral rights to the whole surrounding area without anyone suspecting that he has found something big. But he has been followed by his nemesis, an evil prospector with no talent, who just rips off other people’s discoveries, and the nemesis intends to kill him before he can get back to the nearest town to file his claims. There will be a big fight, which the hero wins. After that, he has to kill a bear and a mountain lion. And then he falls down a ravine, hits his head, and loses his memory, so he can’t remember where he discovered the gold. There! I think I’ve nailed it!
Oh, no….My story has been rejected with prejudice, if you can believe it, by The Paris Review, for “failing to address women’s issues or the environment, and failing to include minorities”!
Well, that’s the last straw! This is a stupid, rotten, corrupt business, and those miserable sons of bitches can rot in hell! Years from now, when they’re almost bankrupt because nobody reads their inferior shit any more, they can crawl to me on their hands and knees and beg me for a story! “Conquest and Horror” will be waiting for them, and I’ll shove it down their throats!
Copyright@ 2008 by Crad Kilodney, Toronto, Canada. E-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org