You’ve seen the pictures. You’ve seen the video clips. You’ve read the propaganda. You’ve heard the protests. And it’s all bunk. There is nothing wrong whatever with killing baby seals.
Most of you have never actually seen a baby seal. If you woke up in the middle of the night and found one beside your bed, you’d scream so loud you’d wake up the whole building. You’d call the police. You’d sue your landlord. You sure as hell would not keep it as a pet.
Out in Labrador, nobody likes seals very much unless they’re dead. Then you can sell the skins or make soup out of the flippers. But mainly the Labradorans have to fish to make a living because there’s no other economy. Seals eat fish. With fish stocks declining, the seals are an economic threat. So you have to kill them.
But there are other good reasons. Baby seals stink, they spread diseases, and they attack people! You didn’t read about that in the save-the-seals ads, did you? Oh, no. And the politically correct media don’t want to report it. Baby seals have been known to kill and eat small children! Ask the Eskimoes. They’ll tell you so. And so will anyone in Labrador.
Why do baby seals get bashed in the head? Why does it have to be so gruesome? Because the Canadian government makes it too difficult and expensive to own guns, that’s why! So you get a club or a pick axe, what else?
Animal rights activists act like killing baby seals is the worst atrocity imaginable, but they don’t say boo about the Chinese eating cats and dogs! (The word we are trying to think of begins with “h” and ends with “y.”) Mustn’t attack the Chinese. That would be racist. They have their culture, after all. And besides, no one ever sees the Chinese killing and eating cats and dogs. The Labradorians, on the other hand, club those seals in broad daylight, as if they’re not the least bit ashamed of it! (Now that’s real Canadian culture! Tough white men! Violence! The outdoors! Books by Crad Kilodney!)
If you think baby seals are cute and cuddly, adopt one. That’s what animal rights activist Anne Ashley of California did. And guess what happened to her. The seal bit her on the leg, and the wound became so infected that her leg had to be amputated! And she was given a $100 fine for having an illegal pet under a local ordinance. Just deserts!
Now are you convinced? Baby seals are our enemies!
Copyright@ 2009 by Crad Kilodney, Toronto, Canada. E-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org