Exotic Cities, Part Three: Nyala, Sudan
April 3, 2009
Ten years ago, if you had told a travel agent you wanted to go to Darfur, he would have given you a clueless look. This western region of Sudan was unknown to the traveling public. Today it’s one of the hottest, trendiest tourist destinations on earth. And the Number One go-to spot in Darfur is the beautiful, vibrant city of Nyala.
A huge surge of opportunity-seekers has transformed what was once a modest, dignified little town into a colorful urban spectacle, spreading out in all directions beneath the warm, benevolent African sun. Its skeptics have been silenced, its believers vindicated. Nyala is a city on the move, generating excitement and eliciting the awe and envy of an entire continent.
As you approach Nyala’s international airport, which handles sixty flights a day to and from all points of the compass, you are struck by the dramatic development radiating outward from the “Old City” — freeways, shopping centers, condos, commercial high-rises, luxury estates, rich fields of grain and vegetables, orchards, cattle and sheep ranches, and the Water World theme park. Maybe not Paradise, but darn close!
Tourism is very important to Nyala, of course, but the economy is diverse. The city boasts the largest call center in Africa, serving such clients as IBM, British Airways, Pfizer, Hudson Bay Master Card, Domino’s Pizza, and Humiliation PhoneSex (West Bromwich, U.K.). Manufacturing spans the spectrum from hockey pucks to rocket engines. And Interstate Bakeries recently opened the largest bakery in Africa, from which it supplies the whole continent with Wonder Bread and Twinkies. Africa is in the Southern Hemisphere, which is one of the two most popular hemispheres in the world.
All the hotels are good by Western standards, but the best by far is the Sheraton Centre. Manager Tony Dunn, former bass player for the Flaming Monkeys (U.K.), loves to talk about the celebrities who have stayed there. “One of my chambermaids surprised Martin Clunes in bed with Miss Sudan of 2007, Deborah Nyameer Nyuon. He claimed he was helping her look for a contact lens!” According to Dunn, the beauty queen has big tits but probably does not engage in sex with dogs or severe ass whipping. He has equally interesting gossip about William Shatner, Senator (now V.P.) Joseph Biden, Barry Bonds, Fran Lebowitz, and Ivana Trump (with whom he went skiing on nearby Mt. Gahbah). Other famous guests have included Chinese pop stars Liu Yifei, Cai Yilin, Li Yuchun, Tang Jiali, and the group S.H.E., Bollywood stars Bobby Deol, Sunil Shetty, Madhuri Dixit, Arjun Rampal, Diya Mirza, and Raveena Tandon, British fashion designers John Galliano, Rhona Nampijja, Stella McCartney, and Hussein Chalayan (gay), French film stars Andy Gillet, Karine Viard, and Emmanuelle Beart, international arms dealers Jean Bernard Lasnaud, Leonid Minin, Monzer Al Kassar, and Sarkis Soghanalian, Russian mafiosi Marat Balagula, Viktor Bout, Vitali Dyomochka, Vyacheslav Ivankov, Vladimir Kumarin, and Boris Nayfeld, German politician Katina Schubert (dyke), strippers Kayla Kleevage, Candy Cantaloupes, Justa Dream, Tiffany Towers, Fantasia, and Minka, and Toronto Star publisher Jagoda Pike, who does not fuck dogs or suck big, black dicks. Rooms at the Sheraton Centre run from $175 US to $500 US per night, and the maid leaves a complimentary Yorkie Bar on your pillow every morning. The beds are all equipped with orgasm climax handles, which are exactly like coffin handles.
The better restaurants in Nyala include Jahanshah Javid (Korean-Mexican fusion), Koss Umak (traditional Sudanese), Zag’s (burgers), and The Manyak (homosexual art food).
The most popular nightclub in town is the Dromedary Club, where women with big breasts wearing minimal bras and panties are catapulted into a big net. The “wardrobe malfunctions” are inevitable.
The Sexy Car Wash is another attraction of this broad-minded city. Drivers pay $25 to have their cars washed by naked women covered in soap, who crawl all over the car and spread their pussies on the windshield, while the driver sits inside and masturbates. This was the inspiration for the popular Italian TV show Sexy Car Wash.
The Water World theme park is made possible by the large underground lake far beneath the bedrock of the city. In addition to surfing and water-skiing, the park features a long, twisting water slide well-suited to women with big breasts and skimpy bikinis. By the time the slider has reached the bottom, she is completely naked and will be reaching for one of the big penis-shaped flotation devices. Another pool allows naked women to ride on very tame lemon sharks. The rough texture of the shark’s skin encourages the woman to hump herself to orgasm. There is also a ride for daredevils that simulates the experience of waterboarding, as practiced at Guantanamo.
On the outskirts of Nyala is the biggest campground in Sudan. It’s always full, mostly with native Sudanese, who love the outdoors. You’ll notice that they are all remarkably slim — a reflection of their self-image as fashionable and health-conscious. There’s plenty of parking space for trailers and RV’s, and all the comforts Westerners prefer. But don’t be afraid to go on foot and camp like a Boy Scout. You can fish for trout in the streams and hike through the only forest of pine trees in Africa. One other thing: nude sunbathing is permitted!
Every November, Nyala gears up for the Sudan 1000 car race. The best drivers from around the world compete in this challenging event, which begins in Nyala and finishes in Port Sudan, a thousand miles away. This year’s participants will include Mario Andretti, Mario Moraes, Danica Patrick, Scott Dixon, and last year’s winner, Oriol Servia (who almost spun out when he swerved to avoid a pygmy hippopotamus, which is a protected species).
Nyala is justifiably proud of its South Darfur State University, whose football team, the “Fighting Camels,” have won over forty consecutive matches in the East Africa Division 1. Team captain Ibrahim Kanteeth has a 12-inch cock that has been photographed for medical textbooks. The university also boasts the Asbat Al-Ansar Centre For Islamic Peace Studies, a graduate program in dishwasher repair, and the world’s largest collection of scorpions.
The more serious, contemplative visitor will enjoy a tour of the centuries-old Sheikh Muti Monastery, where ascetics and mystics once sat in the underground vaults to commune with God and purify their souls. This experience is now yours. You will be left in complete darkness, with nothing to eat or drink, and foul air for eight hours. On the way out, you will be given a souvenir t-shirt with the logo “Muti.” The cost for this experience is $40 US.
Want to see more of the Dark Continent in luxury? Take the Sub-Sahara Express train from Nyala to Timbuktu, Mali. The trip features gourmet meals, a bar, a casino, a lingerie fashion show, and Russian hookers who are into anal and oral sex.
Recommended vaccinations: West Nile Virus, Rift Valley Fever, polio.
Copyright@ 2009 by Crad Kilodney, Toronto, Canada. E-mail: email@example.com