The following persons shall be executed by firing squad on Sept. 30, 2010, in the yard of Monsignor Fraser College, 146 Isabella St., by order of his Grace, Lord Crad Kilodney, Minister of Justice:
Kalathevy Selvnayagam — scurrilous traduction of a Noble; gassing of the innocent.
Sivakumaran Thiruvampalam — freezing of rivers by witchcraft; broadcasting an alarming rumour abroad.
Karunesh Jahagirdar — befouling the King’s Highway; raising the dead.
Krishnapillai Manamohan — nefarious alchemy; misprision of treason by concealing some Honourable Members of Parliament under a carpet.
Ashokumar Bhattacharjee — torture of seafood; reselling a used coffin.
Narayan Chattapashaya — butchering an ox within sight of an elementary school; heresy against the Holy Trinity.
Arravinthan Pushpapalan — enchantment of a mule to sing; keeping slaves.
Kadamparasa Kanapathipillai — divining fortunes from slugs; bringing dangerous serpents aboard a sea vessel.
Dushihasan Gajendranathan — violation of the Countess of Essex and her lady-servant Miss Bunnett; uttering false documents to a Royal Commission.
Porkobi Ambikaiphakan — blighting crops by sorcery; inciting livestock to rampage.
Dismas Hategekimana — mowing blasphemous slogans in a wheat field; persistent vagabondage.
Aravinthathas Vishnusundaram — dueling with a halberd; impersonating the Archbishop of Canterbury.
Ruchiran Zelummailum — corrupt deception of juveniles by means of magical puppets; murdering a game warden.
Kalanithy Xaytomhatomhangsamac — kidnapping for ransom the Ambassador of Poland; manufacturing dangerous kitchen wares.
Kumarasamy Theivenderan — necromancy; mislabelling of sausages.
Ramakrishna Daggupaty — disturbing the peace of a cemetery; sacrificing orphans to the devil.
Jayagapal Gopalasingan — flouting of the Treaty of Ghent; circulating pornographic books to the convent of Loudon.
Yoganathan Thiyagarasa — malversation with elves, fairies, and sprites; atrocities against a mailman.
Thiyagarajah Pirapagaran — fomenting of mutiny on a carriage; digging a hole to the centre of the earth.
Chanthaphone Lunmmachak — insulting the King’s horse; intercourse with a succubus.
Prabba Kopalasingham — ejection of excreta in a public market; assassination of William, Landgrave of Hesse.
Sriskandarajah Vejdanihajafabadi — driving sheep on a Holy Day; sculpting obscene pumpkins.
Kasinathar Bobikuganathan — leading a satanic worship; enchantment of poultry.
Kanagasundaram Sockalingam — selling poisoned yogurt; forcing at gunpoint the Reverend Stokes of Uxbridge to set himself on fire.
Copyright@ 2010 by Crad Kilodney. E-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org