Schopenhauer is my favorite German philosopher so far, because I can relate to him.  He was a recluse, an elitist, and a grouch, but also an excellent writer.  He disliked most people but loved his dogs.  I also dislike most people but like other people’s dogs (except those that bark constantly).  Schopenhauer believed the most important aspect of human nature was individual motivation.  (This is also what makes my stories so brilliant.)  He preferred aristocracy over democracy and believed the best way to achieve Utopia was to sterilize imbeciles and pair up the superior males and females.  Hegel was his nemesis.  They both taught philosophy at the University of Berlin.  Schopenhauer regarded Hegel as a phony, and he couldn’t understand why Hegel’s lecture hall was always full, while his own was practically empty.  What he didn’t know was that Hegel had arranged secretly for a woman with big tits to attend his lectures, knowing that all the male students would show up just to look at her.  Schopenhauer’s family was prosperous.  They owned a chain of bargain stores staffed by Indians.  Now, these Indians were of a higher caste than the riffraff you find in bargain stores today, and it was through them that Schopenhauer learned about the Upanishads, a work of philosophy that influenced his own book, The World as Will and Representation (1819).  If you were around in the 60’s, you occasionally heard people refer to the Upanishads, but these days you’d never find it in a bookstore.  And if you went into any bargain stores and asked the Indians if they were familiar with the Upanishads, they’d think you were asking about window shades.  So, forget it.  Just try to rise above human desires and achieve enlightenment by detachment.  If that doesn’t work, watch a lot of stupid TV and try to block out the outside world from your mind.  Outside there is nothing but conflict caused by contrary wills, and it’s all pain and frustration, and you’ll never find fulfillment of any sort, especially in Toronto, where there are no normal women left that you can have sex with.  (Don’t even consider the white trash drug-addicted hookers on Sherbourne St.)  Schopenhauer would agree with me totally.  Schopenhauer was somewhat a misogynist, and you can’t blame him.  He was sued by this bitch named Marquet, who knew he had money, so she provoked him into slapping her and then pretended that she had been severely beaten.  She had a friend back her up in court as a witness.  It was a total frame-up, and Schopenhauer had to pay.  Sounds just like Canada.  It would have been a front page story for the Toronto Star: Woman Beaten By Rich Philosopher.  (Next column over: Crippled Child Reunited With Puppy.)  When I finish building my Time Machine, I’m going back to fix that bitch.  Schopenhauer was said to be an atheist, but he did find an obscure religious sect that worshipped animals, and since he was an animal-lover, he joined it, just for the social contact, not so much the theology.  He met them through a prostitute who loved dogs, although in a different way.  This sect, which had no name, worshipped a giant turtle, and some film buffs believe this was the basis for the Japanese monster Gammera.  Somebody could probably get a Canada Council grant to study the matter further.  Recently, a professor of finance in San Francisco published an article explaining Schopenhauer’s philosophy as “a prolegomenon to the existing concept of fuzziness.”   This is an example of what the French call “trying to fart higher than your ass.”  Anyone who uses the word “prolegomenon” has a major fuzziness problem himself.  Only dickheads use the word “prolegomenon.”  After his death, Schopenhauer had more influence on the world than Hegel did, which more than makes up for Berlin.  It’s good to get even, even if it’s posthumous.  Liberals today like Schopenhauer because he wrote some things in favor of animal rights, women’s rights, and black people.  Personally, I think they’re taking him a bit too far, but who am I to tamper with his reputation?  Oh, yeah, I almost forgot: Schopenhauer invented the Western omelet.  He used eggs, chopped ham, onion, green pepper, and mushrooms (no milk or cheese).  No, I don’t have a source on that.  Just repeat it to everyone you know.


1. Junior Metaphysics In Action, by J.C. Tressler, 1956, D.C. Heath & Co.

2. Naked Came The Philosopher, by Penelope Ashe, 1969, Lyle Stuart, Inc.

3. Fog Over Weimar, by Hedwig Fliege, 1988, Plattsburgh Feminist Alliance.

    Copyright@ 2008 by Crad Kilodney, Toronto, Canada.  E-mail:


    Martin Heidegger loved pickles.  He loved them so much, he became known as the Pickle Philosopher.  And everywhere he went in Freiburg, a lovely city known for its ducks, geese, and swans, the people would point to him and say, “Dere be dat Martin Heidegger! He be de Pickle Man! He gwine to be de big Pickle Philosopher of Germany! He be gettin’ down! He bad!”  (Of course, I can only approximate how they talk in Freiburg.)  His family was in the pickle business, of course, but not sweet pickles, only sour pickles.  No one in Germany eats sweet pickles.  Sweet pickles are for wimpy Canadians, who just sit there and say, “Oh, dear!” if someone is being beheaded on a Greyhound bus.  Heidegger thought about pickles deeply and developed his philosophy from them.  Before the pickle existed, the cucumber existed, as did the brine and spices needed to turn the cucumber into a pickle.  So the essence of the pickle preceded the existence of the pickle.  This was Heidegger’s Sauregurkenprinzip, or “pickle principle,” which was expounded in Being and Time (1927).  So now you know where “essence precedes existence” comes from (which we all used to say in the 60’s, even if we didn’t understand it).  And then the existential philosophers told Heidegger, “Hey, you’re one of us! Join the party!”  Heidegger not only joined the party, he joined the National Socialist Party, and then he got invited by all the top Nazis to their parties, where good sour pickles were served.  Hitler liked Heidegger a lot because he told funny jokes.  Here’s his best one: two guys.  First guy says, “I’m so sick and tired of people not understanding what I’m talking about!”  Second guy replies, “What do you mean?”  All the Nazis loved that one! Heidegger’s Sauregurkenphilosophie (“pickle philosophy”) basically obviated everything from Plato onward, because everybody who was a dead philosopher assumed that “being” was self-explanatory and that existence automatically preceded essence (and two blocks away from me in the housing project they still believe that, so no wonder their kids are all on drugs).  It was Heidegger who posed the question “Who is the one for whom being matters?”  And this led to the famous Abbott and Costello routine “Who’s on first, What’s on second…”  Now you know.  Heidegger taught people how to think with Sauregurkenueberlegung, or “pickle reasoning,” and he created the term Sauregurkendasein, or “pickle thereness.”  (The latter term now refers to a variety of dwarf gherkins packed by Heinz, which, in my opinion, are nicely crisp but a bit lacking in the spices.)  Heidegger also taught us that man must confront nothingness by resolute decision, and he showed he was a man of his word when he became the first philosopher to ride in an airship in 1937, which was the same year the Hindenburg crashed, but luckily he was on a different one.  Heidegger had  a little cottage at Todtnauberg in the Black Forest (known for its ham and chocolate cake), where he invited friends to barbecues.  It was here that he got to know the top Nazis socially.  It should be said that Heidegger did not approve of some of the Nazi extremes, like the Holocaust, but at these social occasions he avoided politics, as we all should.  During the war, Hitler absorbed the principle that “essence precedes existence” and used it to move non-existent divisions around on a table.  Heidegger, solidly in Hitler’s good favor, was given a safe job behind a desk, typing weather reports for the Luftwaffe.  After the war, Heidegger got into poetry, technology, and farming, his reputation as a philosopher already firmly entrenched.  He wrote lots of books — mostly westerns and action novels — which sold well, and he became a big fan of American football.  In fact, he created some of the hand signals used by referees in the NFL.  Walt Disney, who was a big fan of Heidegger, created Bambi after reading Heidegger’s charming book A Day In The Black Forest (1950).  Groucho Marx was also deeply influenced by Heidegger, if you are old enough to remember the game show You Bet Your Life.  The secret word on one show was “pickle.”  Heidegger also designed a board game called Sauregurkenkraft (“Pickle Power”), which is the basis for the popular video game Warcraft.  Now you know.  Heidegger has been the subject of much intellectual argument by other philosophers.  Hans-Georg Gadamer said that Heidegger was not as influenced by Wilhelm Dilthey as others believed, but Theodore Kisiel and David Farrell Kress (the famous “Singing Philosophers” of England) disagree, calling Gadamer an “idiot.”  Robert J. Dostal insists that Heidegger was greatly influenced by Edmund Husserl, but Gadamer says Paul Yorck von Wartenburg was more influential, a view supported by Casey Stengel.  Jacques Derrida, the famous deconstructionist, found that Heidegger’s works came apart easily but were just as easy to put back together.  The so-called Farias debates, which were held in a dairy barn near Nuremberg, were intended to deal with the relationship between Heidegger’s philosophy and his Nazi associations, but because of the mooing of the cows, the debates never reached a conclusion.  Heidegger died in 1976 and has not been seen anywhere since.  The Heidegger Pickle Company is run by his descendants, and all the labels show his picture.  Heidegger has been falsely credited with growing the largest zucchini ever grown in Germany.  Those sources should be ashamed of themselves for disseminating false information, and I will not mention them here.  Heidegger’s zucchini was very big, but it was not the biggest.


1. Astounding Pickle Stories, by Max Erewhonian, 1986, Climax Books.

2. Hermeneutics and Phenomenology — The Bottomless Quagmire, by Wayne Gretzky, 2002, Univ. of Wollongong Press.

3. Banshees of the Black Forest, by Myrna Zlotny, 1980, Harpy Press.

    Copyright@ 2008 by Crad Kilodney, Toronto, Canada.  E-mail:

    Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel (rhymes with “bagel”) was known by many names throughout his lifetime.  Willie Boy.  Big Brain.  Brainy Bagel Hegel.  Willie Poo-Poo.  Georgie Twinkle-Toes.  Steady Freddie.  Big Bopper Hegel.  Maniac Brainiac Hegel.  Snuggle-Bunny-Goo-Goo.  Little Georgie Frecklehead.  He was the ugliest German philosopher and the most unreadable.  This is how Hegel explains what a “thing” is in Phenomenology of Mind (1807): “The This, then, is established as not This, or as superseded, and yet not nothing (simpliciter), but a determinate nothing, a nothing with a certain content, viz., the This.”  Pathetic, isn’t it?  Schopenhauer called this “pseudo-philosophy,” something you’d expect to hear from lunatics in an insane asylum.  That’s for sure!  Now you know why bookstores go out of business and get replaced by donut shops, not the other way around.  Hegel’s defenders, whom I intend to kill as soon as I’m finished writing this, say that you have to read him in the original German to understand him, because he loses something in translation.  What a crock!  If something doesn’t make sense in English, it doesn’t make sense, period!  Hegel has been denounced by Donald Trump (“uncommercial”), Leon Spinks (“confusing”), Henry Kissinger (“dangerous”), and many other notables.  Barbie and Ken both agree that Hegel was “silly.”  The only good thing Hegel ever wrote was his high school graduation speech, which was titled “Why Are Serbians So Stupid?”  Hegel was in Jena in 1806 and witnessed first-hand the conquest of that city by Napoleon.  At the time, he was putting the finishing touches on Phenomenology of Mind.  Now, you would think that seeing Napoleon in action would have made him realize the futility of trying to explain what a “thing” is.  Napoleon didn’t need to be told what a “thing” is.  He knew how to kick the Prussians’ butts.  But Hegel needed the money, so he finished the book.  He is considered an idealist, which is proven by the fact that he fathered an illegitimate child with his landlady.  Earlier in his life, he worked as a tutor in private homes but got fired because the children couldn’t learn anything from him.  Then he went to Bamberg to be a newspaper editor.  He also wrote the columns on religion, pets, and dating.  Then he worked as the principal of a trade school for delinquents.  After his big, stupid book was published, he worked as a professor in Jena, Heidelberg, and Berlin.  He was the only philosopher ever to use hand puppets in his lectures.  His other books were The Philosophy of Right, The Science of Logic, The Encyclopedia of the Philosophical Sciences, and How To Raise Tropical Fish.  Don’t read them.  They suck.  Hegel did have one idea that caught on with eggheads, however — his “dialectic.”  You have a thesis and an antithesis, and they crash into each other and produce a synthesis.  In the real world, either the guy with the thesis beats the crap out of the guy with the antithesis, or vice-versa.  But with Snuggle-Bunny-Goo-Goo, the idealist, you get a synthesis, and nobody ends up dead, assuming the synthesis isn’t fatal.  This thesis-antithesis baloney is the real source of the current movement in linguistics that treats language as a semantic phenomenon.  You have text and anti-text.  The reader reads the text, and the text reads the reader.  If this isn’t a recipe for trouble, I don’t know what is.  Like, the other night I was reading a nice little book called Nipple Twisters, and it was a pretty good story for normal men, and then all of a sudden, without any warning, I was plunged into a discursive space between two meanings!  I thought, Whoa!  What the fuck?  Who ruined my story?  Well, I’ll tell you who.  It was those damned post-modern semiotics bastards screwing around with texts and anti-texts, that’s who!  They’ve all got Hegel up the ass, and there goes my five dollars!  And, of course, Karl Marx picked up on Hegel’s dialectic, too, and where did that lead?  Missiles in Cuba, that’s where!  And that bearded son-of-a-bitch Castro almost started World War Three.  And after all this, Hegel is still required reading in philosophy at Harvard (which is probably to be expected, since Harvard is dominated by Commie wankers).  In Stuttgart, Hegel’s home town, the house that he lived in is now a club called Hegel Haus, and they have live S&M sex shows, which attract a lot of tourists.  And there is a room in the back where you can get absolutely anything (for a price).  There is disagreement among scholars about how Hegel died.  Some say he died in a cholera epidemic (thesis); others say he was killed by a falling piano (antithesis).  So what’s the synthesis?  He died from germs on the piano that fell on him!  Obvious.  Vince McMahon agrees with everything in this essay.


1. Labyrinths of Metaphysics, by Dave “Tiger” Williams, 1988, Aberystwyth Univ. Press.

2. Bridges to Nowhere, by Esmeralda Klopp, 1975, Centipede Books.

3. Cindy and Ricky Run a Pet Shop, by Alberto Manguel, 1984, Ice Bag Editions.

    Copyright@ 2008, by Crad Kilodney, Toronto, Canada.  E-mail:

    Immanuel Kant was a typical philosopher who wrote long, boring books and never had sex in his entire life.  He also never traveled more than a hundred miles from his home town of Konigsberg.  So it’s remarkable that he became a lecturer in anthropology at his local university and talked about primitive tribes like the Iks, Onges, Dusuns, Jarawas, Shompens, Juangs, Kormas, Kamars, Blungas, Gunkas, and other assorted grotty sub-humans that he never saw for himself but which are crawling all over my neighbourhood now, and if I so much as express an opinion about them, I’m a racist, not an anthropologist.  But at least I’ve had sex, so I guess it’s a break-even.  Kant’s friends (the few that he had) would throw pebbles at his window and call out to him, “Hey, Manny, come on out with us for a brewski and we’ll pick up some babes!”  But Kant would say no, because he had to stay in and write his Critique of Pure Reason.  In this book, which is about 800 pages long (and no pictures), he took a position between empiricism and rationalism, neither of which anybody uses anyway, and he explained that we organize sense data by using time, causality, and spatial relationships.  For instance, let’s say I’m in the park, and there are all these pigeons.  Are they a cause or an effect?  Well, they’re both.  The pigeons are there because idiots keep feeding them, so they’re an effect; but they’re the cause of all the pigeon shit.  As for time and spatial relationships, if you walk up behind a pigeon very slowly, he thinks you’re going to go around him, and if you get close enough and time it right, you can kick his ass and send him flying!  Understand?  Good.  I just saved you 800 pages of reading.  The Konigsberg Times called Critique of Pure Reason “a ponderous, painful read…an absolute headache.”  And this is the sort of thing you had to read in college in the 60’s if you were in liberal arts.  And when you got your diploma, it was your reward for enduring four years of mental torture.  Reading long, boring books is bad for your mental health.  It makes you want to scream and break things.  The only way to read something like Critique of Pure Reason is to read two or three pages a day for a year.  Then you can say proudly that you’ve read it cover to cover, although I can guarantee you that you won’t remember any of it — like most philosophy.  Kant also said that we should act by categorical imperative, which means that we should regard our actions as if they were universal laws.  This is exactly what I do, but nobody agrees with me.  The French Revolution probably started when the French read Kant and decided that overthrowing the aristocracy and cutting off their heads was a categorical imperative.  This hypothesis has been overlooked by every historian in the world.  One book Kant wrote that was only slightly boring was his General History of Nature and Theory of the Heavens, in which he said the solar system condensed out of a big nebula.  This is at least somewhat accurate and pretty good for a guy who just sat in his room.  His barber later claimed that it was his idea and that Kant got it from him while getting a haircut, and the barber tried to sue him for half the royalties, but nothing ever came of it apparently.  (This is a typical barber scam, and everyone knows it.)  The Russians have adopted Kant as a Russian philosopher because Konigsberg is now Kaliningrad, and they renamed their university the Immanuel Kant State University.  Of course, the Russians never had a philosopher of their own, and Stalin murdered anyone who even looked like a philosopher.  But at least they put up a good statue of Kant at the university, and they keep it clean, too (no pigeon shit!).


1. Prussian Thunder — Kant and the Enlightenment, by Thelma Schraubenzieher, 1999, Death Valley Junior College Press.

2. Robots From the Crab Nebula, by Josef Tyubelyakh, 1964, Zip Paperbacks.

3. Titans of Transcendentalism, by Adrian Lyme-Schnauzer, 1970, Turnip Books.

    Copyright@ 2008, by Crad Kilodney, Toronto, Canada.  E-mail:

    Oswald (“Ozzie”) Spengler was born in Blankenburg in the Harz Mountains, an area infested by canaries.  The canaries, however, were useful in the nearby coal mines.  Spengler’s father started out as a mining technician but ended up working in the post office.  This is probably what got Spengler into thinking about how the West was declining, which he was to write about later.  He had the habit of always walking downhill, never uphill, which led him into obvious dificulties.  As a young man, he suffered from migraines and anxiety and at the age of 25 suffered a nervous breakdown.  During the period of seclusion that followed, he tried his hand at writing and produced a children’s story called “Ludwig, the Friendly Whale.”  It was never published, but it was prophetic in that he was later to make friends with Ludwig Wittgenstein, who was, in fact, rather whale-like in appearance.  Spengler taught high school from 1908-1911.  He taught grammar and also coached the volleyball team, which was above-average.  When his mother died in 1911, he got depressed and moved to Munich, where he lived frugally and just stayed home and read books.  He was a virgin until his big book, The Decline of the West, came out in 1917.  It was a big success for a work of philosophy, and he suddenly found himself popular with women.  It was at this time that Wittgenstein became his friend and took him to all the brothels in Munich.  The Decline of the West  said basically that all civilizations go through a process where they mature and then start to rot and go into decline.  But if the West was already in decline in 1917, how come all these wogs and jigaboos from the Third World want to immigrate here now?  Maybe we should tell them, “Hey, we’re declining! Go back to Sri Lanka!”  Regardless of that, Spengler’s book became a hit with America’s beatniks and such writers as Kerouac, Burroughs, and Ginsberg.  He also was a big influence on Alice Cooper, Ricky Nelson (son of Ozzie, of course!), Herman’s Hermits, and Bobby Darin.  L. Frank Baum’s The Wizard of Oz  was actually a fable based on The Decline of the West, and “Oz” was derived from “Ozzie” (Spengler).  Spengler also wrote a book of aphorisms titled The Hour of Decision, which included this one: “Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.”  Spengler’s landlady in Munich used to refer to him as “The Sad Marsupial of German Philosophy” because he carried his books and personal effects in a pouch around his stomach and always had a gloomy expression (before his book came out and he started getting laid).  She also claimed just before her death that she had edited the manuscript of The Decline of the West  by cutting out the dull parts, but scholars don’t believe this, as the dull parts are still in it.  A statue of Spengler can be found in front of the North Residence Hall at Dordt College, in Sioux Center, Iowa, where he still has a lot of fans.


1. Ape Men of the Petrified Forest, by Billy Bob Heilbutt, 1980, Oglethorpe Univ. Press.

2. Teutonic Bullies and the Surge of Revisionism, by Helmut Blatz-Piranha, 1997, Anthropological Society of the Amazon Basin.

3. Munich Underground: The Forbidden Zone, by Harvey Agapopolis, 1973, Winkie Books.

    Copyright@ 2008, by Crad Kilodney, Toronto, Canada.  E-mail:

    Nietzsche was not widely read during his lifetime, so I can identify with him.  He was better known for his big moustache, which was his crude attempt to infuse the spirit of America’s wild west into Germany.  This and his bohemian cowboy clothing caused him to be regarded as a crank by the academics, who were just like the wankers we have in Canada today.  Nevertheless, he was befriended by Richard Wagner and his wife, who were both into imperialism.  Wagner and Nietzsche influenced each other artistically, since each tried to outdo the other by going to extremes.  Nietzsche was very impressed by the fact that the performance of Tannhauser in Paris in 1859 caused rioting, and he wished he’d known about it so he could have participated.  Neitzsche rejected Platonism, as most of us do today, as well as Christianity and egalitarianism.  He regarded democracy as the “collective degeneration of man” and upheld the master morality exemplified by the Roman Empire and the World Wrestling Federation.  Germany makes the best S&M porn videos, and we can thank Nietzsche for that.  But Nietzsche should not be blamed for influencing Nazism, since he was only about 10% responsible.  In Beyond Good and Evil  he talked about the will to power, which was the motivation for Albert DeSalvo, the Boston Strangler, as well as the Hunt Brothers, who tried to corner the silver market.  This book, by the way, was self-published, like most of my own, so that’s another plus on Nietzsche’s side.  In Thus Spoke Zarathustra he posited the existence of the Ubermensch, which later found expression in the TV and comic book hero Superman.  He also wrote The Gay Science, a collection of memoirs about growing up gay in Saxony.  In this book he also expounded the idea of eternal recurrence, which says basically that the universe keeps recurring.  In other words, it’s always the same shit over and over again.  You hear that from people a lot, so it must be true.  But the guy who thinks of something first is the one who gets remembered as the philosopher.  In the last ten years of his life, Nietzsche was out of his mind.  During this time he wrote a comic opera about the Illuminati, which he hoped would cause a riot even better than what Wagner got, but it was never performed.  (Madonna has the only known manuscript of this work.)  He was also convinced he could talk to horses and, using his expertise as a philologist, he compiled a lexicon of horse language.  Scholars are not in agreement as to what Nietzsche’s ideas really mean, but that’s no excuse not to apply them in your everyday life.  If Nietzsche were alive today, he and I would go down Yonge St. with baseball bats and smash the heads of all the homeless bastards begging for money and all the Muslim women covered up like mummies, and fuck egalitarianism.  The superior people should rule because of master morality, and get out of our way because when we’re off our meds, there’s no telling what we’ll do to you.


1. Bratwurst at Dawn, by Heinz Entsetzlich, 1968, Sturm Editions.

2. Dungeons of Saxony, by Gretel Von Fackel, 1977, Gila Monster Books.

3. Nordic Icons, by Erich Schleichen, 1956, Hose Press.

    Copyright@ 2008, by Crad Kilodney, Toronto, Canada.  E-mail:

The GM Zombie Car

August 29, 2008

    GM is about to unveil a revolutionary new eco-friendly car that will be America’s answer to high gas prices, global warming, and a flood of cheap imports from Asia.

    The Zombie Car is unique in that it has no engine.  Instead, it is powered by three zombies standing where the back seat section would be.  The floor and roof in the back have been removed to allow the zombies to walk on the roadway, pushing the car forward.  A horizontal bar is built into the frame behind the front seat for this purpose.  A second horizontal bar behind the zombies allows them to turn around and push the car backwards.

    The Zombie Car is box-like and functional, with room for three in the front.  It is made of aluminum and is very light.  Under the hood there is a second trunk.  The electrical system is minimal.  Front and rear lights use ordinary D-cell batteries, and the radio uses AA’s.

    According to GM CEO Rick Wagoner, who granted me an exclusive interview, the price of the car will be just over $2,000, not including the zombies.  He concedes that the Zombie Car is slow and unsuitable for highway driving; but for city driving it is ideal, since city traffic moves at about the same speed as a person walking.

    And what about the zombies?  Who are they, and where do they come from?  “They’re real zombies,” says Wagoner.  “We get them from the Caribbean.  They cost $300 extra for a set of three.  But you can get any three people to push the car if you want to.  A lot of people are into fitness and will enjoy the exercise.”

    Wagoner would not disclose where the Zombie Car would be built.

    The Zombie Car will be unveiled officially at the  Seattle Auto Show, Nov. 5-9, at The Qwest Field Event Center.

    Copyright@ 2008 by Crad Kilodney, Toronto, Canada.  E-mail: