Eight robots from the planet Tau Ceti-4 are on Earth now, preparing for an invasion.  I will name them shortly and tell you where they are located.

    In their natural form, the aliens of Tau Ceti-4 are, indeed, monsters.  They are so horrible to look at, there are no words to describe them.  On Earth they assume human form, however, and are able to pass among us undetected.  They appear perfectly ordinary to those they interact with.  These aliens are semi-autonomous robots, in that they are under the command of the Supreme Ruler of Tau Ceti-4, yet, at the same time, they can act creatively by their own intelligence and according to local conditions and immediate circumstances.  They have been in place for years, acclimating themselves to Earth, both physically and socially, and testing their powers.  They will unleash those powers when the invasion takes place.  Tau Ceti-4 intends to conquer the Earth!

    These are the Robot Monsters from Tau Ceti-4:

1.  Sam Tapia — Deming, New Mexico.  Alien name: Inglaka

    This alien has planted Warp Openers in the aptly-named Massacre Mountains, 30 miles east of Deming, and on top of Black Mtn. and Red Mtn., on either side of Deming, forming a “warp triangle.”  When activated, these devices will open a pathway through space-time, allowing invading armies to teleport instantly to Earth.  Inglaka has the power of “electric touch” and can electrocute people.  He can also surround himself with an impenetrable electric shield.  He has several human slaves who work at Pepper’s Supermarket and the Fina station on S. Platinum Ave.  He uses them to place electronic “spy buttons” in people’s grocery bags and in their cars.  Early atomic tests in the 1940’s first attracted the attention of Tau Ceti-4 to the New Mexico area.  The saucer that crashed at Roswell was from that planet.  Tau Cetians have been established in New Mexico ever since.  Inglaka is the latest.

2.  Douglas Kretchmar — Choctaw, Oklahoma.  Alien name: Vemuslar

    The alien Vemuslar has never liked Earth food, which explains why he is rarely seen eating in human form.  Like all the Robot Monsters, he can transform to his alien form whenever he wants to, and in this form he has a morbid appetite for live animals.  Choctaw has had an abnormally high incidence of missing dogs and cats.  Cattle mutilations in Oklahoma are the work of Vemuslar, who eats certain organs and body parts.  (All cattle mutilations everywhere are attributable to Tau Cetians seeking food.  In many cases, they also eat human beings.)  Vemuslar’s secret weapon is the Shock Wand, which projects a lethal electric shock.  He also has the power to confuse people’s minds by “telepathic assault.”  He has installed brain control devices in most of the Wal-Marts in the Oklahoma City metropolitan area, which force people to buy things they don’t need.  Another brain control device is located in Sunny Lanes Bowling, in Oklahoma City.  He is immune to all earthly diseases but has a hypersensitivity to tobacco smoke, which seems to be a common trait among Tau Cetians.

3.  Eddie Burgo — Pascagoula, Mississippi.  Alien name: Frixor

    The alien Frixor is the most recent in a long line of Tau Cetians established in Pascagoula.  In 1973, two shipyard workers were taken aboard a Tau Ceti spacecraft for examination.  Afterwards, they said they believed their abductors were robots.  The incident made national headlines.  Frixor controls a secret weapon called an Elasmosphere, which is located on the floor of the Gulf of Mexico.  This can be used to destroy oil platforms, kill marine life, and create violent waves and currents.  Frixor has assembled a large cadre of human slaves, including employees of Hong Kong Palace Restaurant, Transplant Florist, and Spanish Trail Lanes (in nearby Gautier).  Mysterious balls of light are sometimes seen over Frixor’s home.  These are control devices, which can travel great distances, absorb the knowledge from people’s brains, and turn them into zombies.  The entire southeastern U.S. will be Frixor’s responsibility when the invasion takes place.  In his human form he is regarded as super-intelligent and charming to those who know him.  He wears a ring that gives him the mental powers of a high-speed computer.  He is extremely cunning and has no weaknesses, but he is afraid of thunderstorms.

4.  Glenn Lokken — Lignite, North Dakota.  Alien name: Roonikni

    The alien Roonikni can make himself invisible for short periods of time, and in this state he can pass through walls and locked doors.  He is able to walk under water without having to breathe.  In nearby Beaver Lake there is a spacecraft, which he goes to occasionally at night.  Near the west end of 100 St. NW, about 1 mile from Beaver Lake, there is a measuring tube, similar to an aircraft peto tube, sticking out of the ground, which is easy to overlook, although it is in plain sight.  This tube is for monitoring the effect of Roonikni’s Ion Curtain, which will effectively cut off parts of North Dakota and Saskatchewan from the rest of the world.  He also has a brain control device hidden in a building alongside the railroad tracks on the north side of Lignite.   His personal secret weapon is the Bio-Psychokinetic Beam, which is used to induce feelings of illness.  It can be set for long range to incapacitate military and law enforcement personnel within a radius of 2 miles.

5.  Bruce Raw — Billings, Montana.  Alien name: Ozgandis

    The alien Ozgandis is telepathic at a distance — i.e., he is able to read the mind of anyone he can see.  The Mayor and City Council are under his control.  He has brain control devices in City Hall and at Rocky Mountain College.  He has slaves at the Hilands Golf Club and Byo Laundry at 46 Broadwater Ave.  In Pictograph Cave State Park, he has a Magnetic Flux Inverter, which can be used to black out the entire electrical grid in the western states.  Visitors to the caves have been abducted and eaten.  Two of them saw Ozgandis in his alien form and died of fright.  The skeletons of his victims are lying in the Yellowstone River.  In his human form he is regarded as quiet and aloof by those who know him.  He is in frequent communication with the Supreme Ruler of Tau Ceti-4, so he may be the ringleader of the Robot Monsters on Earth.

6.  Kevin DeCoster — Albany, Oregon.  Alien name: Barhajalan

    The alien Barhajalan has adapted so well to Earth that he interacts freely in his human form and is liked by those who know him.  He has a preference for bank employees as slaves, and he has many of them at Umpqua Bank at 333 Ellsworth St. SW, Washington Mutual at 231 Ellsworth St. SW, and Wells Fargo Bank at 300 1st Ave. West.  He also has slaves at Izzy’s Pizza at 2115 Pacific Blvd. SW.  Barhajalan has installed his secret weapon, the Absolute Zero Beam, in the Linn County Expo Fairground.  He can control this remotely.  This beam can be used to bring down airplanes, and it is effective up to a range of 20 miles.  He has also tested it successfully on cars and trucks traveling on Route 5, resulting in fatal accidents.  The basement of his home leads to a complex network of tunnels and chambers, whose true purpose is not yet known, but his advanced knowledge of chemistry must be regarded as an ominous sign.  Barhajalan is clairvoyant and has used this ability to win a great deal of money playing poker.

7.  Scott Warnock — Boise, Idaho.  Alien name: Mibledeah

    The alien Mibledeah has become a compulsive cannibal, preying on illegal immigrants.  Since they are “undocumented,” no one investigates their disappearance.  Because he has some problems breathing our atmosphere, he requires frequent re-energizing and has a chamber in his home for this purpose.  He also has a Bio-Reanimation Device, which will be used to bring the dead back to life and turn them into zombies he can control.  Two antennae for this device are located in Baggley Park, brilliantly camouflaged.   He has installed brain control devices in all the Albertson’s Drug Stores in Boise.  In the trunk of his car, he has a Molecular Separator, which can disintegrate buildings and vehicles.  In his human form he is hostile and paranoid, probably due to insufficient social adjustment to Earth.  He has been known to knock people down violently without touching them, but still nobody suspects that he is an alien.

8.  Les Hellevang — Gillette, Wyoming.  Alien name: Glardonvelor

    The alien Glardonvelor has planted a terrible weapon called a Dark Star in the Eagle Butte Coal Mine, east of Gillette.  When activated, it will create an explosion of anti-matter, annihilating everything within a radius of 10 miles.  (He will be out of the danger zone, of course.)  Near this coal mine is the Foothills Twin Theatre on Highway 14-16, where he has installed “brain readers.”  His main brain control device is located in a small building on West 1st St.  This alien is incredibly strong and impervious to all Earth weapons.  He is psychokinetic and can even affect local weather.  He has no slaves, but he has already marked the city’s public officials and police by “remote brain scan printing,” and when the invasion takes place they will immediately be struck dead by a transmitter.  The brain scanner and transmitter are on his roof, disguised as an ordinary satellite dish.

    The invasion of Earth will happen soon, while mankind is distracted by economic and political problems.  I have told you about the Robot Monsters from Tau Ceti-4 so that you can take whatever steps you can to protect yourself.  Those who have not read my warning will, in all likelihood, die or become slaves or food for these Robot Monsters.  Tell everyone you know, while there is still time!

    Copyright@ 2009 by Crad Kilodney, Toronto, Canada.  E-mail: crad166@yahoo.com

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    The President of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, loves pork.  And among his favorite pork recipes is one for barbecue-style pork ribs done in the oven.  I’ve tried it, and it’s excellent.  So here it is:

    You need a large roasting pan with a lid.  Put your ribs in the pan, add 3/4 of  a cup of water, cover, and place in the oven at 350-375 degrees for 1 hour and 15 minutes.  The ribs are going to cook by steam.  Even though the lid is merely sitting on the pan, the inside will build up steam.  Check once or twice during the cooking to make sure there is still water in the pan.  After 1 hour and 15 minutes, the ribs are cooked, but now you have to finish them with barbecue sauce.  Pour off any excess water, coat the ribs generously with sauce, place them back in the oven uncovered, turn on the broiler element (top element), and give the ribs a char on both sides.  This will take about 5 minutes or a bit more.  You may want to turn and coat the ribs a couple of times.  Just watch them so they don’t burn.

    For barbecue sauce, President Ahmadinejad likes Kraft Barbecue Sauce.  “It’s one of the best things about America,” he says, with a measured irony.  If Kraft is not available, however, he will make his own.  Here are the ingredients for President Ahmadinejad’s home-made barbecue sauce:

    1 1/4 cups tomato juice

    2 tablespoons soy sauce

    3/4 cup vinegar (white or apple cider)

    1 teaspoon dry mustard (the secret ingredient!)

    1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce

    2 tablespoons finely grated onion

    1 cup vegetable oil (something neutral, like sunflower)

    3/4 cup sugar (brown sugar is okay)

    Blend these ingredients thoroughly.  The President of Iran also likes this sauce on hot dogs and other pork sausage on a bun.

    You are probably surprised that President Ahmadinejad enjoys pork.  After all, Muslims are not allowed to eat pork.  “Pork is the secret vice of many Muslims,” he admits.  “I love it.  How can something so delicious be against the will of God?  In fact, there is historical evidence that the Prophet Mohammed ate pork.  However, I am not seeking any public debate on this.”

    So we’ll leave it at that, then.  And I hope you enjoy barbecue-style pork ribs the way President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad does them.

    Copyright@ 2009 by Crad Kilodney, Toronto, Canada.  E-mail: crad166@yahoo.com

Gardening For The Disabled

February 4, 2009

    Even if you are, like, totally fucked up and in a wheelchair, you can still garden, okay?  Millions of disabled people assume they can’t, but that’s only because nobody told them how, which is what I intend to do.

    Now, the first thing is to plant seeds.  Wait until after it rains and the ground is soft.  Take a long stick (like a broomstick) and your seeds, and wheel yourself out to the backyard.  Just sort of poke the ground a lot with the stick to break up the dirt, and then throw the seeds.  Then move the dirt around with the stick and try to cover the seeds so the birds don’t eat them.  Another way of planting the seeds is to pour them all over your clothing, then fall off the wheelchair and roll around on the ground.  The seeds should stick to the wet dirt.  Then you can sort of cover them up with dirt and somehow crawl back into your wheelchair.  I don’t know if this actually works, but you can try it.

    The second thing is to tend the garden now and then, like watering it and squashing bugs and stuff.  Of course, the more times you go out, the more chances there are for you to get stuck, and if you live in a neighborhood like mine, nobody pays attention to somebody screaming.  So maybe you should just stay inside and hope for the best.

    The third and last thing is to harvest your vegetables.  (If you planted flowers, that was stupid, because you could have grown them indoors in pots and left them on the window sill.)  Now you have to go out and dig up those vegetables, because you can’t expect other people to feed you forever, right?  Okay, so go out and just try to dig them up.  I don’t know how you’re going to manage a shovel.  Probably you could take one of those claw-like tools (I don’t know what they’re called) and tape it to the end of your long stick and try to yank the vegetables out of the ground. 

    Lincoln’s first Vice President, Hannibal Hamlin, was the first notable American to garden from a wheelchair.  Lincoln was not interested in that, so instead he went to a theater and got shot, which was bad.

    Another point to mention, while I think of it, is never wheel yourself near where a movie is being made, because if you have an accident and can’t get up, everyone will think it’s part of the movie, and they’ll just leave you there.

    Being in a wheelchair heightens your other senses, so you have no excuse not to garden.  If you are allegedly disabled but not in a wheelchair, you don’t need this article and should not be begging for sympathy.  You are a social parasite pretending you can’t garden when you can.  You don’t deserve that disability pension, but your crooked doctor wrote a letter for you, and now Joe Taxpayer is stuck.

    For those others to whom the above criticism does not pertain, I hope I have helped you improve your life as a disabled person in some small way.

    Copyright@ 2009 by Crad Kilodney, Toronto, Canada.  E-mail: crad166@yahoo.com

    You’ve seen the pictures.  You’ve seen the video clips.  You’ve read the propaganda.  You’ve heard the protests.  And it’s all bunk.  There is nothing wrong whatever with killing baby seals.

    Most of you have never actually seen a baby seal.  If you woke up in the middle of the night and found one beside your bed, you’d scream so loud you’d wake up the whole building.  You’d call the police.  You’d sue your landlord.  You sure as hell would not keep it as a pet.

    Out in Labrador, nobody likes seals very much unless they’re dead.  Then you can sell the skins or make soup out of the flippers.  But mainly the Labradorans have to fish to make a living because there’s no other economy.  Seals eat fish.  With fish stocks declining, the seals are an economic threat.  So you have to kill them.

    But there are other good reasons.  Baby seals stink, they spread diseases, and they attack people!   You didn’t read about that in the save-the-seals ads, did you?  Oh, no.  And the politically correct media don’t want to report it.  Baby seals have been known to kill and eat small children!  Ask the Eskimoes.  They’ll tell you so.  And so will anyone in Labrador.

    Why do baby seals get bashed in the head?  Why does it have to be so gruesome?  Because the Canadian government makes it too difficult and expensive to own guns, that’s why!  So you get a club or a pick axe, what else?

    Animal rights activists act like killing baby seals is the worst atrocity imaginable, but they don’t say boo about the Chinese eating cats and dogs!  (The word we are trying to think of begins with “h” and ends with “y.”)  Mustn’t attack the Chinese.  That would be racist.  They have their culture, after all.  And besides, no one ever sees the Chinese killing and eating cats and dogs.  The Labradorians, on the other hand, club those seals in broad daylight, as if they’re not the least bit ashamed of it!  (Now that’s real Canadian culture!  Tough white men! Violence! The outdoors! Books by Crad Kilodney!)

    If you think baby seals are cute and cuddly, adopt one.  That’s what animal rights activist Anne Ashley of California did.  And guess what happened to her.  The seal bit her on the leg, and the wound became so infected that her leg had to be amputated!  And she was given a $100 fine for having an illegal pet under a local ordinance.  Just deserts!

    Now are you convinced?  Baby seals are our enemies! 

    Copyright@ 2009 by Crad Kilodney, Toronto, Canada.  E-mail: crad166@yahoo.com

Light That Cigarette Now!

January 30, 2009

    Non-smoking is not allowed in my home.  That’s right.  All visitors are required to smoke.  If you are a non-smoker, please leave your nasty habit at home, because I do not want to be exposed to your second-hand non-smoking.  My house, my rules, get it?

    You have choices when you visit me: cigarettes, cigars, or a pipe.  If you come unprepared, I will supply you, good host that I am.  My place is set up for the pleasure of smokers.  Here is an ash tray.  Here is a lighter.  I can open the window.  And there are two air purifiers going at all times.

    Anyone who can’t stand tobacco smoke is a wimp.  So take your sissy, prissy non-smoking out of here.  I don’t want your kind in my home!

    Eisenhower smoked.  MacArthur smoked.  Patton smoked.  Montgomery smoked.  Churchill smoked.  I’m with them!  Non-smokers can camp with Hitler. 

    I’m smoking my pipe right now.  Everything I’ve ever written was written while I was smoking.  Do you love my writing, or don’t you?  If you do, prove it.  Light that cigarette now!

    Copyright@ 2009 by Crad Kilodney, Toronto, Canada.  E-mail: crad166@yahoo.com

    He may be big and tough, but The Undertaker, one of the World Wrestling Federation’s most popular stars, has a tender heart.  And right now it’s hurting really bad.  And why?  Because his bunny, Oscar, has died.

    “He was my best friend,” says The Undertaker, who was willing to talk to me on the phone.  (Like all famous wrestlers, The Undertaker never gives out personal contact information because he values his privacy.  It was only through great effort that I was able to get a phone number where I could leave him a message.  He spoke to me from somewhere in Texas.)

    “He was cute.  He was wonderful.  He was my faithful companion,” The Undertaker goes on.  “He would eat out of my hand.  I gave him nice treats, like raisins and dried apricot and pineapple.  And he had a nice, warm box to sleep in.”

    I made the mistake of referring to Oscar as a rabbit.  The Undertaker set me straight on that right away.  “He was a bunny, not a rabbit.  A rabbit is an animal that people eat.  But a bunny is, well…a companion…a buddy.  He enjoyed sitting on my lap.  He had the softest fur you can imagine.  I liked to stroke his ears.  He just naturally cheered me up.”  Did he do tricks? I ask.   “Naw, Oscar didn’t do any tricks.  But he was curious.  He would sniff around everywhere.  Sometimes he’d disappear some place and I had to look for him.”  The Undertaker explains that Oscar was strictly kept indoors because there were too many hazards outside.  And there were no other pets in the household. 

    I asked how Oscar passed away.  “He apparently just died in his sleep.  He wasn’t sick or anything, as far as I could tell.  I just woke up one morning and found him dead.  He was six years old, so he was getting on.  I guess it was just an old-age death from natural causes….I cried when I found him.  I buried him in the yard.  It was dignified.”  I can hear the emotion in The Undertaker’s voice when he talks about it.

    Will there be another bunny to replace Oscar?  “Maybe, maybe not,” says The Undertaker.  “Oscar just sort of happened.  That’s the way it is in life.  If another bunny should happen into my life, swell.  If not, okay.  Life goes on.”

    The Undertaker admits that he has kept his grief hidden from his friends and fans for months because he didn’t think they’d understand his deep feelings about Oscar.  But now he wants to let the pain out.  Lots of people have lost their beloved pets, he explains.  It’s a common human experience.

    Did Oscar’s death have any particular meaning for him?  “Oscar’s death sort of put things in perspective,” says The Undertaker.  “No matter how much we reach for glory, it’s the simple things that really matter.  And in the end we all have to face up to our mortality.  We have to learn to be humble.”

    I’m sure The Undertaker’s many fans will be touched by his poignant words, and their hearts go out in sympathy over his loss.

    Now you know what a soft heart beats within one of wrestling’s most awesome bodies.  And that’s just one more reason why he’s our hero.  He’s The Undertaker.

    Copyright@ 2009 by Crad Kilodney, Toronto, Canada.  E-mail: crad166@yahoo.com

    The city of Moorhead, Minnesota, is buzzing with excitement as it looks forward to its first Turnip Festival, which will run from Friday, June 5th, to Sunday, June 7th, 2009.  The festival, which is expected to draw many thousands of visitors from all over the Midwest, as well as Canada, celebrates the turnip and its importance to Moorhead.

    “The turnip has dwelled in the shadow of other vegetables far too long,” says City Councillor Nancy Otto, the head of the Turnip Festival Committee and a self-proclaimed turnip enthusiast.  “People forget that turnips were brought to Minnesota by the Vikings before the time of Columbus.”  Otto has also contributed the theme for the festival: “Turnips Are Wonderful!”

    Mayor Mark Voxland regards the festival as a much-needed morale boost after an unhappy 2008 marked by a sex scandal, several murders, and an outbreak of salmonella at a local chicken restaurant.  “Moorheaders have the spirit to rise above adversity, and they know how to have a darn good time, too!” he says.  And he is also confident that the festival will go down in history as the high point of his tenure as Mayor.

    Turnip-related events will include a competition for the best turnip dishes, turnip arts and crafts, turnip bowling, and a special “mystery event” referred to as a “Turnip Bang,” which will take place at Chumley’s Bar on Main Ave.  Just what it is, is anybody’s guess.

    Of course, the highlight of the festival will be the Turnip Parade, featuring a beautiful turnip float, on which will be riding the Turnip Queen, Ms. Kerry Helland, a local businesswoman.  Ms. Helland is already sporting a hair style she calls a “turnip mullet” in anticipation of her appearance.  “This is going to be the biggest thrill of my life!” she says.  There is no Turnip King, but Chuck Gulswig, a teacher at Moorhead High School, will serve as emcee for the festivities.

    The parade, featuring the Moorhead High School marching band, will take place Saturday afternoon, June 6th, and several streets will be blocked off for it.  The parade will start from Townsite Park (Moorhead’s “Crown Jewel”) on 4th Ave. South, go east to 14th St. South, then north to Main Ave., west to 8th St. South, south to 4th Ave. South, and back to Townsite Park.

    Main Ave. between 8th St. South and 14th St. South will be turned into an outdoor mall on Saturday, and there will be plenty of turnip-related products and souvenirs, including t-shirts, postcards, videos, and DVD’s.

    On Sunday, June 7th, Moorhead High School will host a Turnip Ball, which will no doubt be the big social event of the year for Moorhead’s elite.

    The Heritage Hjemkomst Interpretive Center will be showing a special exhibit devoted to Moorhead’s turnip heritage from June 1st to June 13th.

    Festival sponsors include Chumley’s, Golden Needle Tattoo, Speak Easy Restaurant, Casey’s General Store, Mother’s Records, I-Beam, Tastee-Freez, Hornbacher’s, Moorhead Rent-All, and Loopy’s Dollar Store.

    Moorhead-area hotels are already taking reservations and expect to be packed for Festival Weekend, so don’t wait till the last minute!

    And will the Turnip Festival become an annual event?  “That’s our intention,” says Mayor Voxland.  “We’ll put every other turnip festival to shame.  Ours will be the best.  Whenever anyone hears the word ‘turnip,’ they’ll think of Moorhead first.”

    Copyright@ 2009 by Crad Kilodney, Toronto, Canada.  E-mail: crad166@yahoo.com