Worm Holes

May 8, 2008

    The scientists (and when I say “the scientists,” I am referring, of course, to the scientists) have not yet acknowledged the existence of a phenomenon every one of us knows about from first-hand experience.

    Ten minutes ago, a box of matches that was supposed to be on the coffee table in front of me disappeared into nowhere.  I searched for it everywhere but couldn’t find it.  Then, after an interval of about five minutes, it was back, just where it was supposed to be.

    This has happened to everyone.  You’re looking for some simple object — a comb, a button, a pen, a note — that was right in front of you a moment ago, and it’s gone.  You search for it but can’t find it.  Then, when you’re not looking, it comes back mysteriously after a few minutes, or longer in some cases.  Either the object is exactly where it should have been, or in the general area, or, in the worst case, in some utterly inexplicable location (behind the fridge, under the sofa, in the bathroom, on the window sill, etc.).

    You probably thought your eyesight was going, or you had simply suffered an interval of temporary insanity.  But that’s not the explanation.  The truth is that the object disappeared into a “worm hole.”

    A “worm hole” is a kind of distortion in space-time that sort of spins into existence for unknown reasons.  It has two ends, like a tube, and it sort of flutters and floats around.  If one end passes over an object, poof!  It’s gone.  After a while, it comes out at either end, and the worm hole closes up and disappears.

    You may wonder, if this is so, why doesn’t your dog or your wife disappear?  Well, it’s simple.  They’re too big to slip into the worm hole.

    Now, I don’t want to hear any objections from psychologists that this is just a trick of the mind that everyone is subject to now and then.  That’s just what I’d expect them to say.  They want us to think there’s something wrong with our minds because they’re out to make a living.  They won’t admit the existence of ghosts, UFO’s, or psychic phenomena either.  It’s just our feeble minds playing tricks on us!

    Well, let me tell you, a friend of mine lost his keys.  He put them on the dresser and went into the bathroom to brush his teeth.  When he came back to the bedroom, the keys were gone.  He searched all over the bedroom, but to no avail.  Two hours later he found those keys — in the kitchen, of all places, in the cat litter!  But the cat was outside the whole time!  Explain that, Mr. Smarty-Pants Psychologist!

 

     Copyright @2008, by Crad Kilodney, Toronto, Canada.  E-mail: crad166@yahoo.com

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    The last time I ran for President as a write-in candidate was in 2000 (see www.cradkilodney.net), and you know what happened.  The vote was so close in Florida, no one knew if Bush or Gore had been elected.  I have cousins in Florida, so I believe my write-in votes led to the mess.

    Now, with another very close contest in the U.S., it is only fitting that I throw my hat (the old gray one) in the ring once more.  I ask — no, I demand — that Americans write in CRAD KILODNEY for President!

    Although I live in Canada, I am still an American citizen, so I am qualified.  And I’m reasonably sure that I have nothing particularly bad in my past for which documentation still exists.

    And now for my platform:

Iraq

    We should pull all our forces out of Iraq and Afghanistan and nuke the Iranians instead, since they’re behind all the trouble.

Airline Security

    What’s the bloody point of making passengers discard their water bottles, hair gel, toothpaste, and all the other things normal people carry, and then make them line up for an hour to go through security, when it’s a lot simpler just to bar Muslims from flying altogether?  Let them take the train or bus, or,  better yet, a slow boat back to the Middle East.

Oil Drilling Vs. The Environment

    Wherever the oil is, that’s where you have to drill.  We need that oil.  If it disturbs the wildlife, they can go elsewhere.   The same with mining.  You have to build the mine where the ore is.  Never mind if it’s in the path of the annual caribou migration.  When the caribou get to the mine, they’ll probably just go around it.  And if they’re too stupid to do that, f—k ’em.

Immigration

    As I said eight years ago, the only reasonable criterion for immigration is physical beauty.  I don’t mind picking the applicants myself.  We would let in lots of hot Russian and East European babes, and vitually no darkies.  AND NO MORE CHINESE1

Poverty

    The poor will always be with us.  The Bible says so.  It’s not the government’s problem if you’re poor.  Find a liberal to adopt you.

Foreign Aid

    If we’re going to ignore poor Americans, it’s only fair that we ignore poor people elsewhere.  All that money gets stolen anyway.

Crime

    We have crime because police have become wimps.  Police should be brutal, like in the old days.  And they should go back to using guns with bullets, instead of Tasers and pepper spray. 

Tobacco

    Laws against smoking are un-American.  We wouldn’t have won the Second World War without smokers.  Eisenhower smoked.  Roosevelt smoked.  MacArthur smoked.  Patton smoked.  Montgomery and Churchill smoked.  Stalin smoked.  Would you tell these people to go outside?  And I sure miss those great cigarette commercials on TV from the fifties, so let’s bring them back.

The President’s Salary

    Isn’t the President worth as much as a pro basketball player?  Five million a year would make me happy.

Medicare and Social Security

    There’s enough money to keep them going for at least another ten years, so it’s not my problem.

China

    I’m overrun by Chinese in my own neighborhood.  I like their food, but I don’t like them.  When they talk, it all sounds like “ching-chang-chung-chung.”  It makes me want to punch them.  As for China itself, we hear far too much about it, and we should all try to put it out of our minds.  If the Chinese Ambassador calls me, I’m out to lunch.

Taxes

    Americans are overtaxed because there’s a huge underground economy that doesn’t pay any taxes at all.  Start taxing all those escorts who advertise in the newspapers, and there’ll be plenty of revenue.

Global Warming

    As long as you have air conditioning, what do you care?  Besides, what do you expect me to do, fix the earth?  Forget about it.

The U.S. Dollar

    Is the rest of the world turning away from the U.S. dollar?  There’s one sure way to find out.  Go to any foreign country and drop one on the sidewalk and see what happens.

The Vice-President

    The role of the Vice-President will be to meet with people I don’t want to meet with, so he will have to be suitably charming.  Also, he has to be a morning person, because I prefer to sleep late.  I haven’t picked a running mate yet, but I think I’d prefer any ex-Hollywood actor who is very right-wing.  He can be a minor B-movie actor, that’s okay.   Send me an e-mail if you think you’re the one.

My Vision of America

    Presidential candidates are all supposed to have a “new vision of America.”  Well, I don’t.  I like the old vision, and I want it back.  Call me a WACKO FRINGE CANDIDATE, I don’t care.  (Hey, search engines, come and find me!)

My Promise

    Within one week of my inauguration, school children will be able to pray in public schools again.  If the Supreme Court tries to stop me, I’ll cut off their janitorial services.  And if the ACLU tries to stop me, I’ll just have them shot.

    Now, more than ever before, America needs a mean son of a bitch like me in the White House.  So get out there and spread the word: write in CRAD KILODNEY for President!  And if anyone says they’re against me, stop them from voting (like we did in Florida in 2000).  You can make a difference, if you’re willing to be pushy.

    Copyright@ 2008, by Crad Kilodney, Toronto, Canada.  E-mail: crad166@yahoo.com

    I have been compiling a list of the worst things for you, according to various scientific authorities:

    1. instant mashed potatoes

    2. tap water

    3. bottled water

    4. sugar

    5. salt

    6. artificial sweeteners

    7. pork

    8. deli meats

    9. sunlight

    10. soft plastics

    That’s it.  I would have thought that perhaps cyanide, hemlock, strychnine, nerve gas, or plutonium would be the worst thing for you, but evidently they don’t even make the top ten.  On the other hand, neither do tobacco or alcohol, so we can be grateful for that.

    Instant mashed potatoes are the biggest surprise.  I’m assured by a friend who is an expert computer programmer that instant mashed potatoes speed up the metabolism because of the sudden rush of carbohydrates.  You can’t keep it up, so your body gets confused and you die.  I have been tempted to warn people when I’m in my local supermarket, but I want to be able to shop there again.

    Tap water contains all sorts of nasty chemicals supposedly put in to make it safe to drink or to stop cavities, but if you want to see what you’re really drinking, look at the rust stains on your bathroom porcelain.  You can’t get rid of them.

    Bottled water is just tap water with a label on it.  I have this from numerous unimpeachable sources, including a Chinese grocer.

    Sugar gives you diabetes and heart disease, not to mention rotting your teeth.  There is also a 90% correlation between sugar addiction and violent behavior.  (See Journal of Food and Violence,  Sept., 2004.)

    Salt is bad for your heart and circulatory system.  It also kills your brain cells.  If you let your children eat salty snacks, you are a murderer.

    Artificial sweeteners cause horrible mutations in mice, as has been proven by laboratory experiments at the University of Ornskoldrik (Sweden), which specializes in such things.  The scientist who made this discovery has been nominated either for the Nobel Prize or some other one.

    Pork is virtually all fat, which clogs your arteries so you fall over dead without warning.  (The pigs themselves don’t fall over dead because they’re used to it.)

    Deli meats are full of preservatives — nitrates or nitrites, or some such thing.  Explosives are also made with nitro-stuff.  Anything with any form of nitrogen is deadly because — believe it or not — there is no antidote for nitrogen!

    Sunlight causes skin cancer, so you really shouldn’t go out in the day at all.  The moon reflects sunlight, so that’s just as bad.  And stars are the same as the sun, so their light is exactly the same.  Smothering your entire body with a sunscreen lotion with a PF or PH rating of at least 900 reduces the danger by approximately 15%, which is better than nothing.

    Soft plastics contain something called phthalates, which cause cancer in babies and destroy your kidneys.  Shower curtains radiate the stuff when the hot water hits them, and you can’t get it off you.  It just goes right through your skin.

    The good news is that alcohol is actually good for the heart, caffeine stimulates the brain, and nicotine is a mood-regulator.  The Mormons, however, avoid all three, which explains why their average life span is so short that they need to convert people to maintain their population.  (See Journal of Nutrition and Religious Studies, July, 1997.)

   

    Copyright@ Crad Kilodney, Toronto, Canada.  E-mail: crad166@yahoo.com

War of the Umiaks

May 5, 2008

You already missed half the story, you stupid sod.

You were either dozing or looking out the window when this story started, and you missed the hottest action. Yes, I know, you were just watching the world go by your train window, just daydreaming, and I’m supposed to wait until you’re ready. Well, I’m not starting over again just for your sake.

At this moment — if you’re quite ready to join us — Anikagloolik and her long-time enemy, Elikamaloolik, are lying exhausted on the Arctic ice after battling with each other for an hour — all of which you missed, of course. They had spied each other on the water and headed for each other in their umiaks, and when they met, it was paddle against paddle. There’s nothing worse than two Eskimo women fighting with umiak paddles. (If there is, tell me tomorrow.)

“Hit yourself,” said Anikagloolik, panting. “I’m too tired to hit you.”

“No, you hit yourself,” said Elikamaloolik, wheezing. “I won anyway.”

“No, I won.”

“You dented my umiak. You’ll pay for that.”

“It was already dented.”

Suddenly, their attention was arrested by a flock of whooping cranes flying high overhead.

“What kind of birds are those?” said Elikamaloolik. “I’ve never seen them before.”

“Whatever they are, they sure don’t belong here,” said Amikagloolik. “I’ll bet it’s global warming. Everything’s messed up.”

“Look at those clouds,” said Elikamaloolik. “They’re looking weird. I think something bad is going to happen.”

Yes, something bad did happen, but you weren’t paying attention because you dozed off again, didn’t you? Do you have a problem with your brain? Is this story too hard for you to understand?

Never mind. Most of the world was destroyed, and it was very violent and noisy and terrifying, but you were zoned out and missed it. Some islands in the Arctic did survive, including Melville Island, Cornwallis Island, Eglinton Island, Borden Island, Bathurst Island, Devon Island, King Christian Island, Wrangel Island, New Siberian Island, Komsomolets Island, Ushakov Island, and Novaya Zemlya — all of which are true, authentic islands you could find on a map if you were sufficiently motivated, which I seriously doubt.

Okay, that’s the end of the story. Now, get lost, because I’ve got some things to do, and I want to take a nap first, which I richly deserve after writing such a high-powered thriller, most of which you missed.

(Movie rights to this story are available at the usual industry rates.)

Copyright@ 2008 by Crad Kilodney, Toronto, Canada. E-mail: crad166@yahoo.com

A disturbing trend in our society is the increasing frequency of “inconviences.”  One can hardly go into a store — even a very reputable one — without being inconvienced.  There it is in black and white (or whatever colour of crayon is used by the management): “We Apologize For The Inconvience.”

An “inconvience” is not to be confused with an “inconvenience.”  We all know what an inconvenience is.  Some examples:
1. The store is closed for the taking of inventory.
2. The little gizmo you swipe your credit or debit card in is not working.
3. The door is out of order.  (It may look perfectly in order, but if they say it’s out of order, don’t dispute it.  Merchants have the legal right to declare doors out of order.)
4. The item you were looking for is out of stock, and it cannot be re-ordered because the government has just banned it.
5. Today is a holiday.  (Please come back tomorrow.  Why aren’t you at home with your family?)
6. The only person who can run the store has died.  (You can come back day after day indefinitely if you’re that heartless.  You’ve got a lot of nerve expecting us to be there while we’re grieving.)
7. The landlord has locked the premises for non-payment of rent.  (Call 555-8822 for further information, which will not be available.)
There are highly evolved rules of etiquette that govern inconveniences, and if you abide by them, you will be all right, and society will not collapse.
(Note: a long line is not considered an inconvenience.  You’re supposed to bring something to read.)
An “inconvience” is something far more sinister.  It is an attack on civilization itself — on all its institutions and, even worse, on me personally.
When a merchant puts up a sign apologizing for an “inconvience,” you can be sure he is insincere.  I have complained about inconviences many times, to no avail.  No matter how many times I return to check, the inconvience remains unrectified.  Such merchants are fiends, criminals, and probably terrorists as well.
I don’t even want to talk about more terrible things, like “incoviances,” “inconvieniances,” “inconnivances,” “inconviantces,” “imcomvinces,” “incontinences,” or “imbroglios.”  If you spot one, just walk out immediately and try not to think about what is going on in the back room.
 Copyright@ 2008, by Crad Kilodney, Toronto, Canada. E-mail: crad166@yahoo.com