(Deterioration and Maintenance of Pavements, by Derek Pearson.  ICE Publishing.  2012.)

Every day we are walking or riding on a ticking time bomb and we don’t even know it.  That’s right.  Every sidewalk and road — every pavement of every type — is deteriorating beneath us.  They want to swallow us up and destroy us.  This is how civilization will end, not by nuclear war.

But we can forestall this doom, thanks to Deterioration and Maintenance of Pavements, by Derek Pearson.  Mr. Pearson, a civil engineer, is the world’s leading authority on pavements.

The most important thing for a pavement is to have good drainage.  Standing water is bad.  It will eventually rot what’s underneath, like a sick brain rotting away with delusional figments of decay, and cops will not understand what is happening to you.  They will shoot you with Tasers and you may die.

Some shoes are bad for pavements, especially stiletto heels, which have a high point load factor.  These bitches are strutting along, thinking they’re so fucking high-class, and they’re breaking the sidewalk so that some poor guy in a wheelchair trips over and breaks his neck.  On the other hand, there are also fake law suits involving Indians and Pakis.  (“Oh!  I slip and fall on broken sidewalk!  City must pay me $10,000!”)  Yes, we must wear shoes, but we should be more socially aware, just as we look after our hair with modern hair products.  The public should be surveyed to determine their happiness with sidewalks.  Bad sidewalk experiences can lead to psychopathic outbursts like the one in Davenport, Iowa, where this really ordinary guy who worked in an ice company went berserk and killed a bunch of people in McDonald’s, or somewhere.  The police never understood that the answer was under their very feet!  A sign that says “Use Other Sidewalk” may easily be misinterpreted as a slur against one’s ethnic or racial group.  Some cities are waking up to this, so let us be like new cabbages seeking the Sun.

The synthesis of ideas and requirements of the architect and the engineer has not always been happy, due to the naturally extrovert nature of the architect and the introvert conservative nature of the engineer.  Two minds presumably in synthesis for a common goal, or even notification of such, yet each spinning off into a different dimension, leaving behind threads of lost and forgotten moments to be swallowed up by the harsh mechanistic universe.  This is a never-ending problem.  Only God has the answer.

Returning to the issue of heavy point loading, it is somewhat alleviated if the woman is running, although it is hard to run in high heels.  Interestingly, elephants have much lower point loading due to the size of their feet.  It is okay for elephants to walk on sidewalks, and the sight may unlock new revelations in dead zombie minds such as you see at Bay and King in Toronto.

How did Rome get so big and powerful?  Because they built good roads with good drainage.  And they kept slaves busy maintaining them.  We should do that with welfare bums today.

A good pavement must have good materials, such as bitumen (pronounced BITCH-u-men, and say it loud!) and tar.  Bitumen and tar age from the moment that they are incorporated into the mix, due to oxidation, which hardens the binder and causes it to become progressively brittle, a dry clay face in the mirror that cracks and was a false memory of someone who never existed, a pompous vegetable exposing the ping-pong table of your mind pretending to be a Louis Quatorze luxury bidet suite.  In pavement mixes, as a rule of thumb (wash your hands before you make the next customer’s milk shake, you lazy Greek bastard!), bitumen with a binder penetration of 20 is at the end of its useful life and to hell with it.  Dogs and Filipinos are already pissing on it.  Loss of binder efficiency, like arms and legs just falling off for no reason, and brittleness prevent the material from containing the stresses imposed by women with big breasts walking in tight traffic tugging cocks to explode them out of their zippers, leading to the development of micro-cracking.  This process is most obvious on Bloor St. in front of Holt Renfrew, where it is exposed to sunlight (UV radiation) like the UV of a tanning bed licking a hot naked woman lying on her front, her ass well-oiled and screaming “Fuck me!”.  The condition can be assessed during inspection of genitals by noting changes in the color of the so-called bituminous binder (more precisely referred to as gyrational muck), dripping from a hot snatch, from the initial black to a light grey; also vibrating the chippings will make them more prominently exposed and many will be plucked out and sucked violently by Yugoslavian hot dog vendors.  If handled, pieces of the surface will probably disintegrate and individual stones can be dislodged due to loss of the adhesive properties in the binder.  But who’s responsible?  That evil prick Sam Pazzano, Toronto Sun courts reporter!  Fuck off and die, you garbage!

Causologically, the modems of deterioration break down as follows:

a) rutting of field crews
b) bituminous insufficiency of waterway
c) jugular load-bearing eccentricity
d) the Spool effect on hypersensitive psychologists
e) histological layers of sub-formed amalgamics

Those countries that never paid off their war debts will get what’s coming to them when the roads crack under their feet and turn into Sumatra bread pudding, and there goes everyone’s children into the maws of death.

Distress data collection should follow a rectangular format and should be assigned to graduate students in philosophy, alcoholic Indians, and other hopeless types.  Let the retro-gurney model slam into a Kamchatka convenience store and see if anyone hears the echo.  Answer me that, you toad-suckers.

What the author is saying is not new knowledge, of course.  Back in WW2, the U.S. Navy Seabees could take some captured island of stewed jungle shit and put down a firm landing strip in one day, and those Hellcats and Avengers would be up and at ’em in no time, blowing the shit out of the Japs.  Our guys had know-how.  These fucking graduate students wouldn’t know how long to boil a potato.

Constant impactions without awareness lead to deterioration not only of pavements but also the mind and soul.  When you see a pothole, that’s our civilization.  Unless something is done, it’ll sink all the way to the earth’s core.  Take your mumbly-gumbly microphone out of my face and stop tapping my phone.

The equivalent standard axle (ESA) is the main universal measurement unit used by road engineers all around the world, and once everyone was on board we derived the fourth power law to make use of it.  The main axle factor multipliers are:

traffic island — 2
Pakis — 2
Mexican low-riders — 1.5
gay pride parade — 1.5
elephants — 2.5

The channelization factor must be factored into the axle load and divided by the wear factor to determine how long it takes for a normal asphalt road to break as truck drivers become fatter due to a poor diet.  Brazilian babes like to show off their butts with these bikini bottoms that are so minimal they call them “dental floss”, and that kind of ass never deteriorates no matter how often you bang into that back door with your giant plunger.  If traffic circulates counter-clockwise around a rotary, the rotary will sink at the perimeter and people on the right side of the car will fall out first and may not be noticed as missing until the driver has finished his text messaging.

Before I forget, Derek Pearson, the author, is the only sibling in his family who turned out good.  His brother Phil got into organized crime distributing counterfeit Gucci accessories, his sister Debbie was convicted of fraud for selling fake Viagra, and his other sister Nadine became a stripper and ended up fat and on welfare.  But Derek followed a straight path and figured out how to understand roads and stuff.  The book has good photos, tables, and equations, and it should be forced reading for white trash who wear baseball caps backwards and those snotty bitches who go to St. Joseph’s College in Toronto.

The hand-held penetrometer, which operates at two speeds and may be either battery-powered or plug-in, is favored by women.  It may be used either on the outside or the inside of the pit.  Crack depth investigation can be done by the operator’s friend.

Greece has the most road deaths in Europe per million population.  Netherlands has the fewest.  This is entirely an outcome of attitude, in like manner as slobs who run greasy spoons and whose kitchens are pure filth and they totally don’t give a shit because all they think about is getting the most money for the least amount of work, whereas conversely the Dutch are statistically the tallest men in Europe, which proves that they are both docile and systematic in their relationships with all surfaces in all directions.

Satan’s hordes are constantly trying to drag us into hell, and only science can save us.  We want to be able to continue to walk and drive on good surfaces.  The Book of Isaiah has much to say about this.

Roughness is measured by the roughometer, which calculates long and short wavelengths in pavement irregularities.  This is the best way, not by feminist theory.  Engineers use this to determine the probability of tires falling off a vehicle in normal use and the degree of dissatisfaction of passengers which may be manifested at critical points.  (The scale only goes to 108 because nothing higher has ever been seen.)  These events cannot be standardized and therefore must be classified as Mother Earth anger reactions, if not deliberate.  Slope deviation is a new concept proposed by the Chinese and may or may not be valid for all scenarios.  The International Roughness Index (IRI) was created by Maurice Strong, a friend of the Chinese, as a device to facilitate a world government.  Witnesses have seen him create five gold spheres out of his forehead, which he can command to levitate and transmit signals to agents of the Illuminati.  The Chinese collaboration in this phenomenon is well-documented as they wish to be the first to colonize the moon and Mars.  If speed is increased steadily across any roughness measurement, at some point a collision must occur, regardless of dynamic tire load.  Thanks to former Vice President Al Gore, operators are able to buy and sell “tire load credits” to allow vehicles to speed faster than they would otherwise be able to.  Of course, this does not obviate any laws of physics or else it would be dumbly-bumbly down my fire escape and into a hot asphalt meat grinder straight out of a drive-in horror movie.

The presence of water within the fabric of the pavement can be a damaging insidious glug-nut head-breaker, as it may contribute to the binder stripping from the aggregate, with associated loss of asphalt homogeneity.  (Satan’s joy!)  However, it has been proven that horse droppings help protect against this.

Drainage pipes must be protected from saboteurs by razor wire.  No doubt, a prime target of terrorists would be the drainage systems that serve our highways.  Therefore, watch for people doing strange things by the side of the road and report them on Facebook.  The fluctuation of the water table, however, is beyond anyone’s control, as many migratory tribes discovered to their dismay in the Congo territorial wars.

Most people don’t know this, but asphalt must have some air voids in it or it’s no good.  This is determined by the coefficient of linear expansion, which should be between .00002 and .00003 per degree Centigrade.  Wallowing at the equator makes this impossible, which explains why there are no interstate highways in a jungle.  The supervisor’s responsibility is to enforce the check list and beat recalcitrant apprentices for any non-observance.  If the road goes up a mountain at a steep angle, it must have high skid resistance or everyone will slide down and die horribly.  Most bus plunges result from too many air voids and no guard rails, plus drunk drivers.  The Bus Plunge Index (BPI) in Pakistan has held steady in the range of 21 – 23 as long as records have been kept.  This is too high.  But the train system doesn’t go everywhere, so what are people supposed to do — throw cookies at some fake cardboard god and expect him to hold up everybody’s smelly ass?  I don’t think so.

Deterioration and Maintenance of Pavements is one of the best books I have ever read.  Readers will appreciate author Derek Pearson’s breezy style and his resolute optimism in the face of Satan’s war on our civilization.  He also points out more than once that it takes money to do all these things properly, but you get what you pay for.

Copyright@ 2013 by Crad Kilodney.  E-mail: crad166@yahoo.com

Reminder: my French book, Villes Bigrement Exotiques, is still in print.  Published by Le Dilettante (Paris).