One of Islam’s most illustrious spiritual leaders, Imam Rustem Safin of Kazan, Tatarstan, has declared holy war against Scott Mullin of the Toronto-Dominion Bank.

“This man is worse than an ordinary infidel.  He is a suppressor of culture and an enemy of all civilization,” declared the Imam in an exclusive telephone interview conducted recently.  “So I have declared a jihad, or holy war, against him.  It is the duty of faithful Muslims to destroy this man.”

“But what’s he done?” I asked.

“I do not have to enumerate his many crimes.  This is not a judicial process.  He knows what he has done.  He is an enemy to all civilized people, not just Muslims.”  The Imam described Mullin with unbridled vituperation.  “His asshole is like a moon crater.  I have seen it.”

I asked the Imam if a holy war meant that Mullin must die.  The Imam chose his words carefully.  “An enemy must be destroyed.  What this means is open to interpretation.  In the Muslim world, words have a different cultural context than they do in the West.  This is the cause of much misunderstanding between the West and Islam.  Of course, Islam is about peace.  We want peaceful relations with all mankind.  But at the same time, we have a right to defend our values.  And when something is wrong, we should not be shy about calling the world’s attention to it.”

I shifted the conversation to a hypothetical context.  “Theoretically, how should an enemy of Islam be destroyed — by bombs, by bullets –?”

“No, no,” he answered quickly.  “This is not the traditional way.  The traditional way is by stoning — the stoning of the head, so that it resembles the crushed insides of the beautiful pomegranate.”

“Who should carry out this jihad against Scott Mullin?” I asked.

“Muslims in Toronto, obviously.”

“So you want Muslims in Toronto to stone Scott Mullin?”

“That is one possible interpretation of the word ‘destroy’,” he said.  “Of course, there are others.  The inspiration must come from almighty Allah.”

“Is there any way that Scott Mullin can escape this jihad?”

The Imam thought this over for a moment and then replied, “If he leaves the Toronto-Dominion Bank and never works in financial services again, that would be fine.  Otherwise, he should move to some very cold place, like your Northwest Territories.  We do not like such cold places.  He would probably be safe there.”

“Couldn’t he just pay you off?” I ventured, half-facetiously.

As I expected, the Imam laughed contemptuously.  “This is the mistake all banking infidels make.  They worship money so much, they think they can buy their way out of trouble and into heaven.  His entire bank does not have enough money to do that.”

I asked Imam Safin if there were any other people at the Toronto-Dominion Bank he was angry with.  “Not at this time, but if I decide otherwise, I will let you know.”

I thanked the Imam for giving me this interview and promised to communicate his words to my readers.

Imam Rustem Safin, it is worth noting, is the only Imam ever to win an Olympic medal.  But if you’re guessing target-shooting, you’re wrong.  He won a bronze in skating, believe it or not!  And, oh, yes, he wants everyone to know that he loves Canada and he follows the Toronto Maple Leafs.

Copyright@ 2013 by Crad Kilodney.  E-mail: crad