Light That Cigarette Now!

January 30, 2009

    Non-smoking is not allowed in my home.  That’s right.  All visitors are required to smoke.  If you are a non-smoker, please leave your nasty habit at home, because I do not want to be exposed to your second-hand non-smoking.  My house, my rules, get it?

    You have choices when you visit me: cigarettes, cigars, or a pipe.  If you come unprepared, I will supply you, good host that I am.  My place is set up for the pleasure of smokers.  Here is an ash tray.  Here is a lighter.  I can open the window.  And there are two air purifiers going at all times.

    Anyone who can’t stand tobacco smoke is a wimp.  So take your sissy, prissy non-smoking out of here.  I don’t want your kind in my home!

    Eisenhower smoked.  MacArthur smoked.  Patton smoked.  Montgomery smoked.  Churchill smoked.  I’m with them!  Non-smokers can camp with Hitler. 

    I’m smoking my pipe right now.  Everything I’ve ever written was written while I was smoking.  Do you love my writing, or don’t you?  If you do, prove it.  Light that cigarette now!

    Copyright@ 2009 by Crad Kilodney, Toronto, Canada.  E-mail:


    The Lorelei Tobacco Company is being sued for 100 billion dollars by the children of the late Mr. Simon Trunk, of Paterson, New Jersey, U.S.A., who smoked a pack a day of Lorelei 100’s until his tragic death at the prime age of 90.  The suit, brought by the law firm Goldberg, Mintz, Quetzalcoatl, seeks compensatory and punitive damages for shortening Mr. Trunk’s life (he was supposed to live to 105) and ten times the amount he would have earned in the last fifteen years of his life as a heavy equipment operator, earning $70,000 a year, with the assumption that Mr. Trunk would have invested half his salary on speculative penny stocks trading on the Canadian Venture Exchange, which would have been worth at least one billion dollars by the time of his scheduled death.

    Mr. Trunk’s eight children are claiming damages for mental suffering from thinking about the fact that they very likely would not have been born, since smoking causes impotence.

    A historian, Dr. Nigel Clawmute, of East Klutztown Teachers College (Pennsylvania), has submitted a brief on the side of the plaintiffs stating that second-hand smoke aboard the destroyer U.S.S. Millard Fillmore, on which Mr. Trunk served in the Second World War, very nearly killed the entire crew, which would have resulted in a Japanese victory in the battle of Gumby Island, and possibly the loss of the war by the United States.  The brief points out that many U.S. naval vessels that permitted smoking were lost in the war.

    The fact that the Trunk family’s dog  died at the age of 15 proves that second-hand smoke is deadly to pets.  The suit claims $4 billion in damages for the loss of the dog’s companionship.

    Goldberg, Mintz, Quetzalcoatl are also seeking punitive damages against Lorelei on the grounds that their cigarettes have reduced the oxygen in the earth’s atmosphere, generated 8 quadrillion tons of carcinogens, and contributed to global warming. 

    In a separate class action suit, representing all smokers and non-smokers who have ever heard of Lorelei Tobacco and who are afraid that they may someday die, Goldberg, Mintz, Quetzalcoatl are seeking damages equal to Lorelei’s anticipated profits for the next twenty years, plus legal costs.  Any excess money remaining in Lorelei’s treasury would have to be donated to hospitals.  Those wishing to sign on to the class action can e-mail Goldberg, Mintz, Quetzalcoatl or look for the insert in next Sunday’s newspaper.

    Lorelei has stated in its own defense that its products have always carried whatever health warnings were required by law.  However, Goldberg, Mintz, Quetzalcoatl argue that being in compliance with the law does not protect Lorelei from legal liability, based on the principle of si quaeris peninsulam amoenam, circumspice, as brilliantly demonstrated in City of Kingfish (South Dakota) Vs. Wong Fat Restaurant.

    Surprisingly, Lorelei’s stock has remained stable despite the controversy.  Financial analysts believe an out-of-court settlement will eventually be reached.

    Meanwhile, Congressman Dwayne Buglet of Connecticut has introduced a bill in the House of Representatives that would require that all cigarettes be made from spinach and be no more than one inch in length, including the filter.  When asked if he supported another Congressman’s proposal to sue Indians for introducing tobacco to the white man, Congressman Buglet dismissed the idea as “grossly racist, unfair, and unreasonable.”


     Copyright@ 2008, by Crad Kilodney, Toronto, Canada.  E-mail: