This is a favorite joke in Yemen: A car full of terrorists has to stop at a police checkpoint.  An officer leans in and asks, “Where are you going?”  They reply, “We’re going to attack.”  So the officer waves them on.

    Pretty funny, eh?  That’s the Yemenis for you.  Not just funny but kind of cracked.  That’s why I like them.  And the biggest wackos of all are in Ataq.  It’s a place as old as the Bible.  It was near here that Joshua slew Horam in the hills of Lachis.  But Ataqers don’t hold a grudge.  Forgive and forget, you know?  We can all get along.  Hey, smoke some qat.  It’ll flip your wig!  Even the pilots who fly into Ataq on the regional airline, Air Ghaban, are smoking or chewing qat.  They swear it helps them fly better.

    What makes Ataqers so weird is that they live in a B-movie bubble.  The town is a popular location for low-budget movies because it’s incredibly cheap to shoot in, and there is a huge area north of the town where production crews can do anything.  Practically all the locals are wannabe performers of some sort, so there is no shortage of extras.  As soon as you arrive at the airport, you’re passing a corridor full of buskers and impersonators.  There’s even a snake charmer with a broken plastic flute and a rubber snake, who pauses frequently to tell jokes from old American TV shows. 

   My host was Fadi (“Don’t call me Fatty”) Ayoub, who owns the Hollywood Joke Store.  He claimed to be my biggest fan in Yemen.  He swears there are readers in Yemen who remember me from my advice columns in Rustler, which are major collector’s items and almost impossible to find outside of Canada.  It’s remarkable that any copies ever found their way to Yemen!

    Fadi drove me around the town, which didn’t take long, because it’s a small place.  He showed me the area where movies are made, and then we drove by the big amusement park on the south side of town.  It’s modeled after what Yemenis have seen of amusement parks in the movies.

    “We’ve got film people coming here from all over the world,” Fadi explained in perfect English.  “Europe, Russia, Australia, Asia, and even Israel.  So far, the biggest movie ever made here was a production by Golan and Globus called Die, Caveman, Die!, starring Hulk Hogan.  It was never released in North America, at his own request.  But now we’ve got something really big coming, and keep this under your hat for now, because Spielberg hasn’t made it official yet.  The sequel to E.T. is going to be filmed here!”  (Okay, so don’t tell anyone.  It’s a secret.  The E.T. sequel is going to be filmed in Ataq, Yemen!)

    Fadi was eager to introduce me to another Crad Kilodney fan, Armin Schroecker, Manager of the Ataq Hilton, which is the only hotel in Ataq and one of the few buildings with flush toilets.  (Yemenis regard flush toilets as strange.  They wonder, “When you flush, where does it go?  Does it just disappear?”  Which is exactly what I wonder about the taxes I pay to Ottawa.)  My room at the Ataq Hilton was comfortable, but it had an oddly institutional style.  Armin explained why: “Everything is bolted down.  Everything is unbreakable.  With film people, you expect the worst.  The ones we get here are crazy.”  Guests in Ataq have to buy a TV at check-in if they want one.  If they don’t destroy it, they get their money back. 

    Fadi took me to the Hollywood Diner for lunch.  (Ataq is full of places called “Hollywood” something.)  It, too, was modeled after what Yemenis have seen of American diners in the movies, and the only food served is hamburgers, french fries, apple pie, and coffee.  Yemenis go there, but there’s no Yemeni food, because they don’t want to look low-class in front of visitors. 

    Speaking of visitors, there were two movies being shot in Ataq while I was there — a Latvian movie about zombies who terrorize a secretary on vacation in the Mojave Desert, and a Taiwanese movie about schoolgirls being kidnapped by aliens for breeding purposes (which has to be a comedy, because everyone knows aliens only abduct white people).

    Fadi’s joke store stocks mostly masks and costumes, as well as toys and novelties related to movies.  He is extremely fond of American sci-fi and monster movies from the 50’s, as are most Ataqers.  They regard such movies as the pinnacle of culture.  Their favorite movie is It Conquered The World.  Their second-favorite is Them.  Their favorite actress is Beverly Garland (good choice!).  She’s a goddess in Yemen.  Their favorite actor is — get ready for a surprise — Whit Bissell.  As for comic personalities, their two favorites are Zacherley and Soupy Sales (incredible!). 

    I had to buy something from Fadi’s store just to be gracious, so I bought a box of toilet targets with a picture of Velupillai Prabhakaran.  He gave me a good deal — $6 for a box of 200.  “I thought they were targets for shooting,” he said.  “But my customers said they were too small.  I only realized too late that they were for pissing on.”

    The one thing in Fadi’s store that isn’t fake is guns.  Nobody sells fake guns in Yemen.  The very idea is absurd to them.  Why buy a fake gun when real ones are cheap and available everywhere?  Every store in Ataq sells guns on the side.  I saw guns in a bakery, a shoe shop, and even a laundry. In fact, when Fadi introduced me to the laundry owner and said I was from Canada, the man offered to give me a gun so I could shoot Indians.  “You kill Indians!  Make Canada better country!” he said.  I had to decline politely.  Fadi explained to me afterwards, “Yemenis think Indians are very bad, and they don’t understand why Canadians tolerate them.  They’re all drunks, they’re good for nothing, and no matter how much money you throw at them or how much you kiss their asses, it doesn’t make any difference.  They just go on being a big drain on Canada.”  I said some Canadians would agree.

    The amusement park that I mentioned earlier is strictly for thrill-seekers.  The mechanical safety of the rides is, shall we say, hit or miss.  They give you a helmet and a kind of protective vest, and you ride at your own risk.  The Fun House is pretty cool, though.  Instead of mechanical monsters popping out of the walls, real men with knives jump out at you.  They’re all wannabe actors, so it’s okay.  No one has ever been killed, although there have been a few minor injuries.

    There is really not much else noteworthy in Ataq.  Don’t try to talk to the women.  They’re not allowed to talk to strangers.  They can’t even work as extras in movies.  And, of course, they’re all wrapped up like mummies because of sharia law.  And they actually prefer it that way.  As for other culture, there isn’t any — just what relates to movies.  Come to think of it, if it weren’t for the movie industry and American influence, Ataq would be just another miserable Muslim shithole.

    When I returned to Toronto, an immigration officer at the airport asked me where I’d been.  I told him, “I went to Ataq, Yemen” — after which I spent two hours being interrogated by the RCMP.  Fucking dumbass Canadians!

    Recommended vaccinations: bubonic plague, Leishmaniasis, idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura.

    Copyright@ 2009 by Crad Kilodney, Toronto, Canada.  E-mail: crad166@yahoo.com

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    Somalia was created by the union of British Somaliland and Italian Somaliland, which were granted independence in 1960.  Today, nearly a half century later, it is a showcase for what the modern Negro can do with his own country once freed from the shackles of European colonialism.  And nowhere is this achievement more aptly demonstrated than in the capital city, Mogadishu.

    Civility, refinement, peace, order, safety, courtesy, and cleanliness: these are the qualities that set Mogadishu apart from most other capital cities.  The natural beauty of the sea, the sand, and the surrounding countryside combine with the calm atmosphere of its pretty, tree-lined streets and the graciousness of its people to make it just the place where you can go to decompress, recharge, and feel human again.

    You can choose from numerous little hotels that are cheap and very basic in their amenities, or you can splurge and enjoy the luxuries afforded by the Park Hyatt Mogadishu, which overlooks a harbor usually full of multi-colored sailboats and yachts.  Manager Paul Verciglio runs a highly efficient establishment with a cadre of bellhops resplendent in their original Versace uniforms of emerald green with gold buttons.  You will find fresh flowers (corpse lily, dragon arum, Stapelia, and Huernia) in your room, as well as a little fridge with wine and cakes and a bar stocked with miniatures.

    “It’s a good life in Mogadishu,” says Paul with a contented sigh.  “Much more peaceful than the big cities in Italy, with all their violence and social unrest.  In fact, it’s an extraordinarily quiet city.  At night you will only hear the gently pounding surf and the cuckoos calling to each other.  By day, if you go downtown, you won’t even hear a radio playing loud or a car horn.”

    Another reason for the peacefulness of the city is the curfew on juveniles under sixteen.  They must be off the street by midnight, otherwise they can count on being picked up by one of the many serious-looking officers clad in stunning scarlet uniforms and white pith helmets designed by Gucci.

    Despite its break from its colonial past, Mogadishu is full of Italian influence in its architecture, food, and fashions.  Along the fashionable Via Jamaal Cabdi-Naasir, you will find shops of Dolce & Gabbana, Georgio Armani, and Roberto Cavalli, fine Italian restaurants, and the Globo Cinema, which runs a lot of spaghetti westerns.  But two Canadians have also opened for business.  Twin fashion designers Dan and Dean Caten, originally from Toronto, have opened a store called Dufarr.  They are the prime movers behind Mogadishu’s nascent annual fashion show, which is rapidly developing into an international event.  And now it is rumored that they have struck a deal to bring Victoria’s Secret to Mogadishu with a show this coming December and the simultaneous launch of a boutique.

    Be sure to have a meal at Pelle’s, an Italian restaurant run by Sebastiano Pelle, former head chef at the prestigious La Pergola in Rome.  The best deal is the “Catch of the Day,” which consists of whatever washed up on the beach that morning, served with no-name pasta and sauce. 

    High culture abounds in Mogadishu — live theater, a Shakespeare Festival, ballet, and the Mogadishu Symphony Orchestra, conducted by Coolio (a Negro), which recently recorded a 12-hour compilation of Songs of the Somali Fishermen for Sony.

    Mogadishu’s large metropolitan area is well-served by a fleet of electric buses, whose operators are splendidly clad in pickle green and mustard yellow uniforms designed by H.J. Heinz of Pittsburgh.  But this is a city that was made for walking, so put on your comfy shoes and just walk.  You’ll notice that there is not a scrap of litter anywhere.  These people are fanatics about clean streets, so don’t litter.  It means a $50 fine. 

    Head for the city’s Central Park, which features spectacular fountains modeled after those found on the palatial estate of Benito Mussolini, and meticulously groomed plots of foxglove, water hemlock, titan arum, and Jimson weed.  It’s the perfect retreat for poets.   Indeed, the Toronto Star once informed its readers that the Somalis were the poets of Africa.  You’ll see them sitting on the benches, scribbling away.  I met Mogadishu’s Poet-in-Residence, Yusef Qanees.  He showed me his latest poem, titled Epiphany:

    The steam from a cup of tea

    sets frogs a-singing

    in the pool of blood behind my typewriter.

    The richest neighborhood is the ultra-chic Wagberi district, where a number of new stately homes have sprouted up.  Robert Pattinson owns one.  Others are owned by Jennifer Aniston, Annie Duke, Michael Vick, and Gene Simmons.

    Mogadishu has joined the growing trend in Third World countries of pairing up with a “sister city” in the U.S.  Mogadishu is now the sister city of Miami, whose Mayor, Manny Diaz, explains why: “Both cities begin with ‘M.’  Both cities are on the ocean.  And both cities consist mostly of minorities.”  Making the arrangements was difficult because Mogadishu tends to be “in and out” of mayors.  Fortunately, a prominent citizen, AbdiRisak Isse, took it upon himself to make the deal, since he manages the Coca Cola bottling plant, a position of even higher prestige than Mayor.

    Mogadishu’s future is indeed bright, thanks to its proximity to vast deposits of silicon dioxide, which one can literally scoop up by the bucketful.  And foreign capital is eager to invest in this grand, exotic city, kissed by the warm waves of the Indian Ocean, where porpoises and sperm whales frolic without a care.

    As I was leaving my hotel, the bellhop, upon learning I lived in Canada, asked, “Do you know Michael Ignatieff?”  I said I didn’t know him personally.  “He looks like a big, stupid dung beetle,” the bellhop continued.  “I want to step on his head and crush it like the dung beetle he is.  I feel so sorry for Canada.”  I tipped him generously.

    Recommended vaccinations: encephalitis, yellow fever, Buerger’s Disease.

    Copyright@ 2009 by Crad Kilodney, Toronto, Canada.  E-mail: crad166@yahoo.com

    Ten years ago, if you had told a travel agent you wanted to go to Darfur, he would have given you a clueless look.  This western region of Sudan was unknown to the traveling public.  Today it’s one of the hottest, trendiest tourist destinations on earth.  And the Number One go-to spot in Darfur is the beautiful, vibrant city of Nyala.

    A huge surge of opportunity-seekers has transformed what was once a modest, dignified little town into a colorful urban spectacle, spreading out in all directions beneath the warm, benevolent African sun.  Its skeptics have been silenced, its believers vindicated.  Nyala is a city on the move, generating excitement and eliciting the awe and envy of an entire continent.

    As you approach Nyala’s international airport, which handles sixty flights a day to and from all points of the compass, you are struck by the dramatic development radiating outward from the “Old City” — freeways, shopping centers, condos, commercial high-rises, luxury estates, rich fields of grain and vegetables, orchards, cattle and sheep ranches, and the Water World theme park.  Maybe not Paradise, but darn close!

    Tourism is very important to Nyala, of course, but the economy is diverse.  The city boasts the largest call center in Africa, serving such clients as IBM, British Airways, Pfizer, Hudson Bay Master Card, Domino’s Pizza, and Humiliation PhoneSex (West Bromwich, U.K.).  Manufacturing spans the spectrum from hockey pucks to rocket engines.  And Interstate Bakeries recently opened the largest bakery in Africa, from which it supplies the whole continent with Wonder Bread and Twinkies.  Africa is in the Southern Hemisphere, which is one of the two most popular hemispheres in the world.

    All the hotels are good by Western standards, but the best by far is the Sheraton Centre.  Manager Tony Dunn, former bass player for the Flaming Monkeys (U.K.), loves to talk about the celebrities who have stayed there.  “One of my chambermaids surprised Martin Clunes in bed with Miss Sudan of 2007, Deborah Nyameer Nyuon.  He claimed he was helping her look for a contact lens!”  According to Dunn, the beauty queen has big tits but probably does not engage in sex with dogs or severe ass whipping.  He has equally interesting gossip about William Shatner, Senator (now V.P.) Joseph Biden, Barry Bonds, Fran Lebowitz, and Ivana Trump (with whom he went skiing on nearby Mt. Gahbah).  Other famous guests have included Chinese pop stars Liu Yifei, Cai Yilin, Li Yuchun, Tang Jiali, and the group S.H.E., Bollywood stars Bobby Deol, Sunil Shetty, Madhuri Dixit, Arjun Rampal, Diya Mirza, and Raveena Tandon, British fashion designers John Galliano, Rhona Nampijja, Stella McCartney, and Hussein Chalayan (gay), French film stars Andy Gillet, Karine Viard, and Emmanuelle Beart, international arms dealers Jean Bernard Lasnaud, Leonid Minin, Monzer Al Kassar, and Sarkis Soghanalian, Russian mafiosi Marat Balagula, Viktor Bout, Vitali Dyomochka, Vyacheslav Ivankov, Vladimir Kumarin, and Boris Nayfeld, German politician Katina Schubert (dyke), strippers Kayla Kleevage, Candy Cantaloupes, Justa Dream, Tiffany Towers, Fantasia, and Minka, and Toronto Star publisher Jagoda Pike, who does not fuck dogs or suck big, black dicks.  Rooms at the Sheraton Centre run from $175 US to $500 US per night, and the maid leaves a complimentary Yorkie Bar on your pillow every morning.  The beds are all equipped with orgasm climax handles, which are exactly like coffin handles.

    The better restaurants in Nyala include Jahanshah Javid (Korean-Mexican fusion), Koss Umak (traditional Sudanese), Zag’s (burgers), and The Manyak (homosexual art food).

    The most popular nightclub in town is the Dromedary Club, where women with big breasts wearing minimal bras and panties are catapulted into a big net.  The “wardrobe malfunctions” are inevitable.

    The Sexy Car Wash is another attraction of this broad-minded city.  Drivers pay $25 to have their cars washed by naked women covered in soap, who crawl all over the car and spread their pussies on the windshield, while the driver sits inside and masturbates.  This was the inspiration for the popular Italian TV show Sexy Car Wash.

    The Water World theme park is made possible by the large underground lake far beneath the bedrock of the city.  In addition to surfing and water-skiing, the park features a long, twisting water slide well-suited to women with big breasts and skimpy bikinis.  By the time the slider has reached the bottom, she is completely naked and will be reaching for one of the big penis-shaped flotation devices.  Another pool allows naked women to ride on very tame lemon sharks.  The rough texture of the shark’s skin encourages the woman to hump herself to orgasm.  There is also a ride for daredevils that simulates the experience of waterboarding, as practiced at Guantanamo.

    On the outskirts of Nyala is the biggest campground in Sudan.  It’s always full, mostly with native Sudanese, who love the outdoors.  You’ll notice that they are all remarkably slim — a reflection of their self-image as fashionable and health-conscious.  There’s plenty of parking space for trailers and RV’s, and all the comforts Westerners prefer.  But don’t be afraid to go on foot and camp like a Boy Scout.  You can fish for trout in the streams and hike through the only forest of pine trees in Africa.  One other thing: nude sunbathing is permitted!

    Every November, Nyala gears up for the Sudan 1000 car race.  The best drivers from around the world compete in this challenging event, which begins in Nyala and finishes in Port Sudan, a thousand miles away.  This year’s participants will include Mario Andretti, Mario Moraes, Danica Patrick, Scott Dixon, and last year’s winner, Oriol Servia (who almost spun out when he swerved to avoid a pygmy hippopotamus, which is a protected species).

    Nyala is justifiably proud of its South Darfur State University, whose football team, the “Fighting Camels,” have won over forty consecutive matches in the East Africa Division 1.  Team captain Ibrahim Kanteeth has a 12-inch cock that has been photographed for medical textbooks.  The university also boasts the Asbat Al-Ansar Centre For Islamic Peace Studies, a graduate program in dishwasher repair, and the world’s largest collection of scorpions.

    The more serious, contemplative visitor will enjoy a tour of the centuries-old Sheikh Muti Monastery, where ascetics and mystics once sat in the underground vaults to commune with God and purify their souls.  This experience is now yours.  You will be left in complete darkness, with nothing to eat or drink, and foul air for eight hours.  On the way out, you will be given a souvenir t-shirt with the logo “Muti.”  The cost for this experience is $40 US.

    Want to see more of the Dark Continent in luxury?  Take the Sub-Sahara Express train from Nyala to Timbuktu, Mali.  The trip features gourmet meals, a bar, a casino, a lingerie fashion show, and Russian hookers who are into anal and oral sex.

    Recommended vaccinations: West Nile Virus, Rift Valley Fever, polio.

    Copyright@ 2009 by Crad Kilodney, Toronto, Canada.  E-mail: crad166@yahoo.com

    Eight robots from the planet Tau Ceti-4 are on Earth now, preparing for an invasion.  I will name them shortly and tell you where they are located.

    In their natural form, the aliens of Tau Ceti-4 are, indeed, monsters.  They are so horrible to look at, there are no words to describe them.  On Earth they assume human form, however, and are able to pass among us undetected.  They appear perfectly ordinary to those they interact with.  These aliens are semi-autonomous robots, in that they are under the command of the Supreme Ruler of Tau Ceti-4, yet, at the same time, they can act creatively by their own intelligence and according to local conditions and immediate circumstances.  They have been in place for years, acclimating themselves to Earth, both physically and socially, and testing their powers.  They will unleash those powers when the invasion takes place.  Tau Ceti-4 intends to conquer the Earth!

    These are the Robot Monsters from Tau Ceti-4:

1.  Sam Tapia — Deming, New Mexico.  Alien name: Inglaka

    This alien has planted Warp Openers in the aptly-named Massacre Mountains, 30 miles east of Deming, and on top of Black Mtn. and Red Mtn., on either side of Deming, forming a “warp triangle.”  When activated, these devices will open a pathway through space-time, allowing invading armies to teleport instantly to Earth.  Inglaka has the power of “electric touch” and can electrocute people.  He can also surround himself with an impenetrable electric shield.  He has several human slaves who work at Pepper’s Supermarket and the Fina station on S. Platinum Ave.  He uses them to place electronic “spy buttons” in people’s grocery bags and in their cars.  Early atomic tests in the 1940’s first attracted the attention of Tau Ceti-4 to the New Mexico area.  The saucer that crashed at Roswell was from that planet.  Tau Cetians have been established in New Mexico ever since.  Inglaka is the latest.

2.  Douglas Kretchmar — Choctaw, Oklahoma.  Alien name: Vemuslar

    The alien Vemuslar has never liked Earth food, which explains why he is rarely seen eating in human form.  Like all the Robot Monsters, he can transform to his alien form whenever he wants to, and in this form he has a morbid appetite for live animals.  Choctaw has had an abnormally high incidence of missing dogs and cats.  Cattle mutilations in Oklahoma are the work of Vemuslar, who eats certain organs and body parts.  (All cattle mutilations everywhere are attributable to Tau Cetians seeking food.  In many cases, they also eat human beings.)  Vemuslar’s secret weapon is the Shock Wand, which projects a lethal electric shock.  He also has the power to confuse people’s minds by “telepathic assault.”  He has installed brain control devices in most of the Wal-Marts in the Oklahoma City metropolitan area, which force people to buy things they don’t need.  Another brain control device is located in Sunny Lanes Bowling, in Oklahoma City.  He is immune to all earthly diseases but has a hypersensitivity to tobacco smoke, which seems to be a common trait among Tau Cetians.

3.  Eddie Burgo — Pascagoula, Mississippi.  Alien name: Frixor

    The alien Frixor is the most recent in a long line of Tau Cetians established in Pascagoula.  In 1973, two shipyard workers were taken aboard a Tau Ceti spacecraft for examination.  Afterwards, they said they believed their abductors were robots.  The incident made national headlines.  Frixor controls a secret weapon called an Elasmosphere, which is located on the floor of the Gulf of Mexico.  This can be used to destroy oil platforms, kill marine life, and create violent waves and currents.  Frixor has assembled a large cadre of human slaves, including employees of Hong Kong Palace Restaurant, Transplant Florist, and Spanish Trail Lanes (in nearby Gautier).  Mysterious balls of light are sometimes seen over Frixor’s home.  These are control devices, which can travel great distances, absorb the knowledge from people’s brains, and turn them into zombies.  The entire southeastern U.S. will be Frixor’s responsibility when the invasion takes place.  In his human form he is regarded as super-intelligent and charming to those who know him.  He wears a ring that gives him the mental powers of a high-speed computer.  He is extremely cunning and has no weaknesses, but he is afraid of thunderstorms.

4.  Glenn Lokken — Lignite, North Dakota.  Alien name: Roonikni

    The alien Roonikni can make himself invisible for short periods of time, and in this state he can pass through walls and locked doors.  He is able to walk under water without having to breathe.  In nearby Beaver Lake there is a spacecraft, which he goes to occasionally at night.  Near the west end of 100 St. NW, about 1 mile from Beaver Lake, there is a measuring tube, similar to an aircraft peto tube, sticking out of the ground, which is easy to overlook, although it is in plain sight.  This tube is for monitoring the effect of Roonikni’s Ion Curtain, which will effectively cut off parts of North Dakota and Saskatchewan from the rest of the world.  He also has a brain control device hidden in a building alongside the railroad tracks on the north side of Lignite.   His personal secret weapon is the Bio-Psychokinetic Beam, which is used to induce feelings of illness.  It can be set for long range to incapacitate military and law enforcement personnel within a radius of 2 miles.

5.  Bruce Raw — Billings, Montana.  Alien name: Ozgandis

    The alien Ozgandis is telepathic at a distance — i.e., he is able to read the mind of anyone he can see.  The Mayor and City Council are under his control.  He has brain control devices in City Hall and at Rocky Mountain College.  He has slaves at the Hilands Golf Club and Byo Laundry at 46 Broadwater Ave.  In Pictograph Cave State Park, he has a Magnetic Flux Inverter, which can be used to black out the entire electrical grid in the western states.  Visitors to the caves have been abducted and eaten.  Two of them saw Ozgandis in his alien form and died of fright.  The skeletons of his victims are lying in the Yellowstone River.  In his human form he is regarded as quiet and aloof by those who know him.  He is in frequent communication with the Supreme Ruler of Tau Ceti-4, so he may be the ringleader of the Robot Monsters on Earth.

6.  Kevin DeCoster — Albany, Oregon.  Alien name: Barhajalan

    The alien Barhajalan has adapted so well to Earth that he interacts freely in his human form and is liked by those who know him.  He has a preference for bank employees as slaves, and he has many of them at Umpqua Bank at 333 Ellsworth St. SW, Washington Mutual at 231 Ellsworth St. SW, and Wells Fargo Bank at 300 1st Ave. West.  He also has slaves at Izzy’s Pizza at 2115 Pacific Blvd. SW.  Barhajalan has installed his secret weapon, the Absolute Zero Beam, in the Linn County Expo Fairground.  He can control this remotely.  This beam can be used to bring down airplanes, and it is effective up to a range of 20 miles.  He has also tested it successfully on cars and trucks traveling on Route 5, resulting in fatal accidents.  The basement of his home leads to a complex network of tunnels and chambers, whose true purpose is not yet known, but his advanced knowledge of chemistry must be regarded as an ominous sign.  Barhajalan is clairvoyant and has used this ability to win a great deal of money playing poker.

7.  Scott Warnock — Boise, Idaho.  Alien name: Mibledeah

    The alien Mibledeah has become a compulsive cannibal, preying on illegal immigrants.  Since they are “undocumented,” no one investigates their disappearance.  Because he has some problems breathing our atmosphere, he requires frequent re-energizing and has a chamber in his home for this purpose.  He also has a Bio-Reanimation Device, which will be used to bring the dead back to life and turn them into zombies he can control.  Two antennae for this device are located in Baggley Park, brilliantly camouflaged.   He has installed brain control devices in all the Albertson’s Drug Stores in Boise.  In the trunk of his car, he has a Molecular Separator, which can disintegrate buildings and vehicles.  In his human form he is hostile and paranoid, probably due to insufficient social adjustment to Earth.  He has been known to knock people down violently without touching them, but still nobody suspects that he is an alien.

8.  Les Hellevang — Gillette, Wyoming.  Alien name: Glardonvelor

    The alien Glardonvelor has planted a terrible weapon called a Dark Star in the Eagle Butte Coal Mine, east of Gillette.  When activated, it will create an explosion of anti-matter, annihilating everything within a radius of 10 miles.  (He will be out of the danger zone, of course.)  Near this coal mine is the Foothills Twin Theatre on Highway 14-16, where he has installed “brain readers.”  His main brain control device is located in a small building on West 1st St.  This alien is incredibly strong and impervious to all Earth weapons.  He is psychokinetic and can even affect local weather.  He has no slaves, but he has already marked the city’s public officials and police by “remote brain scan printing,” and when the invasion takes place they will immediately be struck dead by a transmitter.  The brain scanner and transmitter are on his roof, disguised as an ordinary satellite dish.

    The invasion of Earth will happen soon, while mankind is distracted by economic and political problems.  I have told you about the Robot Monsters from Tau Ceti-4 so that you can take whatever steps you can to protect yourself.  Those who have not read my warning will, in all likelihood, die or become slaves or food for these Robot Monsters.  Tell everyone you know, while there is still time!

    Copyright@ 2009 by Crad Kilodney, Toronto, Canada.  E-mail: crad166@yahoo.com

Gardening For The Disabled

February 4, 2009

    Even if you are, like, totally fucked up and in a wheelchair, you can still garden, okay?  Millions of disabled people assume they can’t, but that’s only because nobody told them how, which is what I intend to do.

    Now, the first thing is to plant seeds.  Wait until after it rains and the ground is soft.  Take a long stick (like a broomstick) and your seeds, and wheel yourself out to the backyard.  Just sort of poke the ground a lot with the stick to break up the dirt, and then throw the seeds.  Then move the dirt around with the stick and try to cover the seeds so the birds don’t eat them.  Another way of planting the seeds is to pour them all over your clothing, then fall off the wheelchair and roll around on the ground.  The seeds should stick to the wet dirt.  Then you can sort of cover them up with dirt and somehow crawl back into your wheelchair.  I don’t know if this actually works, but you can try it.

    The second thing is to tend the garden now and then, like watering it and squashing bugs and stuff.  Of course, the more times you go out, the more chances there are for you to get stuck, and if you live in a neighborhood like mine, nobody pays attention to somebody screaming.  So maybe you should just stay inside and hope for the best.

    The third and last thing is to harvest your vegetables.  (If you planted flowers, that was stupid, because you could have grown them indoors in pots and left them on the window sill.)  Now you have to go out and dig up those vegetables, because you can’t expect other people to feed you forever, right?  Okay, so go out and just try to dig them up.  I don’t know how you’re going to manage a shovel.  Probably you could take one of those claw-like tools (I don’t know what they’re called) and tape it to the end of your long stick and try to yank the vegetables out of the ground. 

    Lincoln’s first Vice President, Hannibal Hamlin, was the first notable American to garden from a wheelchair.  Lincoln was not interested in that, so instead he went to a theater and got shot, which was bad.

    Another point to mention, while I think of it, is never wheel yourself near where a movie is being made, because if you have an accident and can’t get up, everyone will think it’s part of the movie, and they’ll just leave you there.

    Being in a wheelchair heightens your other senses, so you have no excuse not to garden.  If you are allegedly disabled but not in a wheelchair, you don’t need this article and should not be begging for sympathy.  You are a social parasite pretending you can’t garden when you can.  You don’t deserve that disability pension, but your crooked doctor wrote a letter for you, and now Joe Taxpayer is stuck.

    For those others to whom the above criticism does not pertain, I hope I have helped you improve your life as a disabled person in some small way.

    Copyright@ 2009 by Crad Kilodney, Toronto, Canada.  E-mail: crad166@yahoo.com

    It is, without a doubt, one of the most awesome and terrifying rivers in the world.  Thousands of lives have been lost in its churning, violent waters.  The U.S. Dept. of Interior officially classifies it as “unnavigable.”  And despite its location in central New York State, it is as mysterious as if it were located in Darkest Africa, for most New Yorkers have never seen the longest part of it.  It is the Mohawk River.

    From its benign origins in Lewis County, the Mohawk River starts out as a peaceful and very ordinary river.  Flowing south to the town of Rome, it then turns east to Utica, after which it parallels the New York State Thruway.  But approximately 30 miles east of Utica, the river changes suddenly.  It becomes very turbulent, and from there until it empties into the Hudson River, it is over 60 miles of rampaging Death, and scientists have never been able to explain why.  It is as if the river has simply gone mad!

    The Indians of the region have an explanation, however — one based on their legends.  Thousands of years ago, good spirits and evil spirits fought for control of the land.  The good spirits pushed the evil spirits into what was then a small river and bound them in it with a magic spell.  The evil spirits turned the river into a seething torrent in their frantic efforts to get out.  The Indians call the river Kah-ne-sa-ta-ke, or “river of evil spirits.”  They don’t even try to fish it, for there are simply no fish.

    In 1821, an expedition led by Robert Hood attempted to navigate the Mohawk River, despite dire warnings from the Indians.  The entire expedition was torn to pieces by the freakish currents and sharp rocks and plunged to their deaths over the 160-foot cataract near what is now Amsterdam.

    On both banks the river is fenced off to keep people well away, but suicidal people have gotten past it anyway to throw themselves to instant death.  So, too, have daredevils who have attempted to float down the river in their “unsinkable” vessels of imaginative designs — pontoon rafts, tubes, bubble craft, and so on.  All have perished.

    Ten miles past Amsterdam’s “Cataract of Death,” the Mohawk passes through a canyon at a place known as the “Roaring Rapids,” where the sound is amplified into a deafening roar by the shape of the canyon walls.  It then flows north of Schenectady, gouging the earth like a knife, following a jagged path until it finally spills into the Hudson River opposite the town of Troy on the east bank.  Here it forms a vortex known as the Waterford Maelstrom, the fiercest whirlpool in any river on earth.  Boats must pass as far to the east bank of the Hudson as possible in order to avoid it.  Any careless boater who is sucked into it has little hope of survival.

    In the 1930’s, Army engineers studied the possibility of harnessing the Mohawk’s savage power to produce electricity, but the idea was abandoned as too dangerous.  There are no bridges over the violent portion of the Mohawk either, because there is no safe way to build them.

    The Mohawk River is a freak of nature and must be accepted as such.  What would happen if the spell that bound the evil spirits were broken, allowing them to escape?  Would the Mohawk River become peaceful again?  Or would all of central New York State become a Land of Horror?

    Copyright@ 2009 by Crad Kilodney, Toronto, Canada.    E-mail: crad166@yahoo.com

Disclaimer

December 18, 2008

    This feature contains certain forward-looking statements, such as “could,” “might,” “in the event of,” “assuming that,” “I desperately want,” and “kill George Smitherman,” and does not constitute an offer to sell securities.  Please remember that options involve risk and should not be handled by children without adult supervision.  Avoid contact with eyes, skin, and lesions.  Flush out eyes with a mixture of water and ammonia and induce vomiting.  Consult certified dealer in your area and do not attempt repair yourself, otherwise your account may be closed without warning, and tort litigation may be commenced to protect carrier from third-party claims.  Store at room temperature or cook immediately, otherwise blindness may result.  The 5-day grace period does not apply to residents of Quebec or to foreign nationals not currently registered with the Company’s licensed representatives.  Side-effects may include dizziness, temporary loss of consciousness, and a compulsion to give money to beggars.  You must advise us in writing of any changes by standing in a well-ventilated room or designating a co-conspirator to occupy your unit in the event of a flood, fire, epidemic, or civil unrest.  To avoid shock, hide in a closet without windows or seek shelter above ground.  Move away from any siren and follow the directions in the accompanying product description.  Lie on any sharp object to avoid prosecution.  The limited liability as set forth in the owner’s manual is superseded by the laws of your state or province, as designated in the relevant criminal code and/or the Compromise of 1850.  Management is not responsible for acts of violence to pets or accidental termination of your coverage by application of adhesive to porous or non-porous surfaces.  A skill-testing question may be required before the lessor may be released to the custody of a parent, guardian, or inmate of a mental institution.  Winners will be notified by a refugee claimant who has been ordered to appear for a deportation hearing, or by sending a cheque by registered mail to any officer of a labour union (in Quebec, officer of a biker gang).  No animals were harmed or discriminated against in the making of this product, except as permitted in Section Three of the Prospectus (“Exemptions for Aboriginal Persons”).  Contestants must be of legal drinking age, with a criminal record and previous claim of legal insanity, and must be accompanied by a bonded technician (in Quebec, member of a separatist party).  The Provider may enter your home and remove any persons or property necessary to bring your account into compliance (or may designate a proxy to do so), and may bill you for this service.  Subscribers may not hold long and short positions simultaneously, except by special arrangement with the Courts or Armed Forces.  A non-white illegal alien with a speech defect may be sent to your home to instruct you on the use of this product and to molest your children.  Your rights under the warranty may be modified without warning according to the terms of the McCarran Act, and amendments thereto, and your coverage may be voided, at your expense.  Discontinue use if paralysis develops and consult dealer or pharmacist.  Allow 90 days for evidence of any dispute to be processed by monkeys.  Liability to the buyer continues indefinitely, and to his heirs and successors.  Some components may explode, causing death.  Discontinue use in this event and provide details in writing to the Customer Service Dept.   Reading this far constitutes your acceptance of all terms, including future amendments thereto, and is valid in all jurisdictions.

    Copyright@ Crad Kilodney, Toronto, Canada.  E-mail: crad166@yahoo.com