(Clam Gardens, by Judith Williams.  New Star Books.  2006.)

More than 10,000 years ago, aliens landed in the Pacific Northwest among all those little islands between Vancouver Island and the mainland of British Columbia.  They created the Sasquatch, and they taught the natives how to build clam gardens so they could feed themselves as well as the Sasquatch.  These clam gardens were kept secret even though they were in plain sight.  When early white explorers noticed them, they didn’t know what they were.

A clam garden is like a fish trap.  You need high and low tides.  You mark the level of the lowest tide and build a little wall of rocks.  The clams settle in behind the wall when the water is high and dig into the sand.  After that, they grow in the sand flat behind the wall.  I called the Toronto Building Department just as a joke and said I wanted to build such a thing, and they said it would be illegal, and they never even heard of it.  That’s typical.

The B.C. government never took any reports of clam gardens seriously because archeologists were afraid to acknowledge their existence.  Nobody wanted to be the first, get it?  So there was just no literature on the subject.  Yes, everyone knew there were plenty of clams in B.C., but that’s all.  Also, the category of “Native mariculture” didn’t exist on any form, so there was no box to check.  That’s bureaucracy.  And the relations between the abos and the B.C. government were not the best ever since the government suppressed the weird dances and masks of the Kwakiutl people.

Then in 1995, Dr. John Harper, a marine geomorphologist, collected detailed proof of clam gardens, including pictographs showing alien contact with the natives.  His report exploded like a bomb on the desk of the Chief Clam Officer of the B.C. Ministry of Government Services, Patrick Moers, who is an evil Stalinist thug who deserves to be cleaning toilets in crack houses.  He knew that if the information got out, it would blow the lid off the government conspiracy to suppress UFO’s, aliens, and the Sasquatch.  So he buried the report.

The author documents a Sasquatch carrying away four bags of clams on page 10 and the existence of Martian barnacles on page 84, so she has clearly done a lot of research on this stuff.

The main kind of clam we are concerned with in this book is the butter clam.  You can eat all of it except the siphon and gills.  The natives would often smoke them and string them like necklaces.  Then when they were hungry, they would just eat some.  (Nobody in Canada sells Howard Johnson’s tendersweet fried claims, as far as I know.  Best clams I ever ate!  Retarded Canada.)

The natives naturally want to keep the existence of the clam gardens secret, because evil white people would rip them off — especially the Japs, who are always looking for seafood solutions to erectile dysfunction.  (Natives consider Japs white, and I won’t argue the point.  The Chinks, however, are definitely not white.)

This is a poignant and poetic book, although at the same time hard-hitting.  Best quote: “A hot cup of coffee in the wilderness, like a stranded flounder on the terraces, has a distinct value.”

This book was printed by Friesens Printing, which refused (!) to print my 1980 classic Lightning Struck My Dick, which has totally disappeared from the collector’s market.  You won’t find a copy for sale anywhere.  Anyway, I’m glad the author got this book published.

Copyright@ 2013 by Crad Kilodney.  E-mail: crad166@yahoo.com

Reminder: my French book, Villes Bigrement Exotiques, is still in print.  Published by Le Dilettante (Paris).

Mohammed’s Secret Pants

December 27, 2012

    Mohammed’s career as a prophet of God was made possible by aliens, who gave him a secret pair of pants that allowed them to communicate with him.  Up until that time he lived as a merchant, selling cloth and other goods.

    After his first marriage, in 595, at the age of 25, he spent much time in a cave meditating.  It was there that he eventually made contact with aliens posing as angels.  They gave him a pair of pants to wear under his robe and told him to expect messages from God.  The pants contained a communication device and also may have had other powers.  The device was probably so inconspicuous that it blended in with the fabric.

    The only description of these pants is that they were of a light colour and a light fabric suitable for the heat of the desert.  They had to be concealed from view, however, as they were not a familiar form of dress at that time.

    His first actual contact with aliens took place in 610, when an alien posing as the angel Gabriel gave him the secret pants.  There were difficulties, however, as the signals made Mohammed sick, and he often would not wear the pants.  He also had doubts about the aliens themselves, and they may have had second thoughts about him, too.  It took three years for these problems to be resolved, after which Mohammed began preaching the messages sent to him.

    The aliens’ purpose in contacting Mohammed was to spread a spiritual message that would be beneficial to mankind.  However, another race of aliens, hostile to the first, attempted to sabotage the communications by sending their own messages, which were of a very different and evil nature.  These messages commanded Mohammed to recognize three Meccan goddesses and reject monotheism.  The erroneous preachings that resulted are known today as the Satanic Verses.  Fortunately, the good aliens managed to drive away the bad ones and reestablish normal communication with Mohammed.

    In 620, Mohammed was taken aboard a UFO by the aliens, who took him from Mecca to Jerusalem to view the Al-Aqsa Mosque.  He was also transported through different dimensions of space-time, viewing “heaven” and “hell” and having conversations with aliens posing as earlier prophets, such as Abraham, Moses, and Jesus.  He was also taken to the aliens’ mother ship, a huge craft that resembled the monument known as the Kaaba, in Mecca.  This craft is still in orbit around the Earth, at a distance of 100,000 miles.

    In 622, the aliens warned Mohammed of a plot to assassinate him and told him to go to Medina.  Rumours had reached his enemies that he wore a secret garment under his robe that gave him supernatural powers.  In 630, he returned to conquer Mecca with an enormous army.  They were protected by the aliens, so there were almost no casualties.

    Mohammed died a natural death in 632 in the home of one of his wives, Aisha.  Before he died, he revealed to her the existence of his secret pants and asked her to entrust them to a close relative who  lived in a small town.  What happened to the pants after that is a mystery.  They were never seen again.  Some ufologists believe the pants may have been taken back by the aliens.  But it is also possible that they were lost or destroyed, either accidentally or deliberately.  Another possibility is that the  pants ended up in the hands of someone who did not realize their significance and simply put them away as a curiosity of fashion.  If that is the case, the aliens would have certainly turned off the communication device long ago.  However, the pants, being made of some highly advanced fiber, would likely still be physically intact today.

    Documents supporting this article may be found in the rare manuscript collection of the Appalachian State University Library, the archives of the German National Library in Leipzig, and the private collection of Carlos Ghosn.

    Eight robots from the planet Tau Ceti-4 are on Earth now, preparing for an invasion.  I will name them shortly and tell you where they are located.

    In their natural form, the aliens of Tau Ceti-4 are, indeed, monsters.  They are so horrible to look at, there are no words to describe them.  On Earth they assume human form, however, and are able to pass among us undetected.  They appear perfectly ordinary to those they interact with.  These aliens are semi-autonomous robots, in that they are under the command of the Supreme Ruler of Tau Ceti-4, yet, at the same time, they can act creatively by their own intelligence and according to local conditions and immediate circumstances.  They have been in place for years, acclimating themselves to Earth, both physically and socially, and testing their powers.  They will unleash those powers when the invasion takes place.  Tau Ceti-4 intends to conquer the Earth!

    These are the Robot Monsters from Tau Ceti-4:

1.  Sam Tapia — Deming, New Mexico.  Alien name: Inglaka

    This alien has planted Warp Openers in the aptly-named Massacre Mountains, 30 miles east of Deming, and on top of Black Mtn. and Red Mtn., on either side of Deming, forming a “warp triangle.”  When activated, these devices will open a pathway through space-time, allowing invading armies to teleport instantly to Earth.  Inglaka has the power of “electric touch” and can electrocute people.  He can also surround himself with an impenetrable electric shield.  He has several human slaves who work at Pepper’s Supermarket and the Fina station on S. Platinum Ave.  He uses them to place electronic “spy buttons” in people’s grocery bags and in their cars.  Early atomic tests in the 1940’s first attracted the attention of Tau Ceti-4 to the New Mexico area.  The saucer that crashed at Roswell was from that planet.  Tau Cetians have been established in New Mexico ever since.  Inglaka is the latest.

2.  Douglas Kretchmar — Choctaw, Oklahoma.  Alien name: Vemuslar

    The alien Vemuslar has never liked Earth food, which explains why he is rarely seen eating in human form.  Like all the Robot Monsters, he can transform to his alien form whenever he wants to, and in this form he has a morbid appetite for live animals.  Choctaw has had an abnormally high incidence of missing dogs and cats.  Cattle mutilations in Oklahoma are the work of Vemuslar, who eats certain organs and body parts.  (All cattle mutilations everywhere are attributable to Tau Cetians seeking food.  In many cases, they also eat human beings.)  Vemuslar’s secret weapon is the Shock Wand, which projects a lethal electric shock.  He also has the power to confuse people’s minds by “telepathic assault.”  He has installed brain control devices in most of the Wal-Marts in the Oklahoma City metropolitan area, which force people to buy things they don’t need.  Another brain control device is located in Sunny Lanes Bowling, in Oklahoma City.  He is immune to all earthly diseases but has a hypersensitivity to tobacco smoke, which seems to be a common trait among Tau Cetians.

3.  Eddie Burgo — Pascagoula, Mississippi.  Alien name: Frixor

    The alien Frixor is the most recent in a long line of Tau Cetians established in Pascagoula.  In 1973, two shipyard workers were taken aboard a Tau Ceti spacecraft for examination.  Afterwards, they said they believed their abductors were robots.  The incident made national headlines.  Frixor controls a secret weapon called an Elasmosphere, which is located on the floor of the Gulf of Mexico.  This can be used to destroy oil platforms, kill marine life, and create violent waves and currents.  Frixor has assembled a large cadre of human slaves, including employees of Hong Kong Palace Restaurant, Transplant Florist, and Spanish Trail Lanes (in nearby Gautier).  Mysterious balls of light are sometimes seen over Frixor’s home.  These are control devices, which can travel great distances, absorb the knowledge from people’s brains, and turn them into zombies.  The entire southeastern U.S. will be Frixor’s responsibility when the invasion takes place.  In his human form he is regarded as super-intelligent and charming to those who know him.  He wears a ring that gives him the mental powers of a high-speed computer.  He is extremely cunning and has no weaknesses, but he is afraid of thunderstorms.

4.  Glenn Lokken — Lignite, North Dakota.  Alien name: Roonikni

    The alien Roonikni can make himself invisible for short periods of time, and in this state he can pass through walls and locked doors.  He is able to walk under water without having to breathe.  In nearby Beaver Lake there is a spacecraft, which he goes to occasionally at night.  Near the west end of 100 St. NW, about 1 mile from Beaver Lake, there is a measuring tube, similar to an aircraft peto tube, sticking out of the ground, which is easy to overlook, although it is in plain sight.  This tube is for monitoring the effect of Roonikni’s Ion Curtain, which will effectively cut off parts of North Dakota and Saskatchewan from the rest of the world.  He also has a brain control device hidden in a building alongside the railroad tracks on the north side of Lignite.   His personal secret weapon is the Bio-Psychokinetic Beam, which is used to induce feelings of illness.  It can be set for long range to incapacitate military and law enforcement personnel within a radius of 2 miles.

5.  Bruce Raw — Billings, Montana.  Alien name: Ozgandis

    The alien Ozgandis is telepathic at a distance — i.e., he is able to read the mind of anyone he can see.  The Mayor and City Council are under his control.  He has brain control devices in City Hall and at Rocky Mountain College.  He has slaves at the Hilands Golf Club and Byo Laundry at 46 Broadwater Ave.  In Pictograph Cave State Park, he has a Magnetic Flux Inverter, which can be used to black out the entire electrical grid in the western states.  Visitors to the caves have been abducted and eaten.  Two of them saw Ozgandis in his alien form and died of fright.  The skeletons of his victims are lying in the Yellowstone River.  In his human form he is regarded as quiet and aloof by those who know him.  He is in frequent communication with the Supreme Ruler of Tau Ceti-4, so he may be the ringleader of the Robot Monsters on Earth.

6.  Kevin DeCoster — Albany, Oregon.  Alien name: Barhajalan

    The alien Barhajalan has adapted so well to Earth that he interacts freely in his human form and is liked by those who know him.  He has a preference for bank employees as slaves, and he has many of them at Umpqua Bank at 333 Ellsworth St. SW, Washington Mutual at 231 Ellsworth St. SW, and Wells Fargo Bank at 300 1st Ave. West.  He also has slaves at Izzy’s Pizza at 2115 Pacific Blvd. SW.  Barhajalan has installed his secret weapon, the Absolute Zero Beam, in the Linn County Expo Fairground.  He can control this remotely.  This beam can be used to bring down airplanes, and it is effective up to a range of 20 miles.  He has also tested it successfully on cars and trucks traveling on Route 5, resulting in fatal accidents.  The basement of his home leads to a complex network of tunnels and chambers, whose true purpose is not yet known, but his advanced knowledge of chemistry must be regarded as an ominous sign.  Barhajalan is clairvoyant and has used this ability to win a great deal of money playing poker.

7.  Scott Warnock — Boise, Idaho.  Alien name: Mibledeah

    The alien Mibledeah has become a compulsive cannibal, preying on illegal immigrants.  Since they are “undocumented,” no one investigates their disappearance.  Because he has some problems breathing our atmosphere, he requires frequent re-energizing and has a chamber in his home for this purpose.  He also has a Bio-Reanimation Device, which will be used to bring the dead back to life and turn them into zombies he can control.  Two antennae for this device are located in Baggley Park, brilliantly camouflaged.   He has installed brain control devices in all the Albertson’s Drug Stores in Boise.  In the trunk of his car, he has a Molecular Separator, which can disintegrate buildings and vehicles.  In his human form he is hostile and paranoid, probably due to insufficient social adjustment to Earth.  He has been known to knock people down violently without touching them, but still nobody suspects that he is an alien.

8.  Les Hellevang — Gillette, Wyoming.  Alien name: Glardonvelor

    The alien Glardonvelor has planted a terrible weapon called a Dark Star in the Eagle Butte Coal Mine, east of Gillette.  When activated, it will create an explosion of anti-matter, annihilating everything within a radius of 10 miles.  (He will be out of the danger zone, of course.)  Near this coal mine is the Foothills Twin Theatre on Highway 14-16, where he has installed “brain readers.”  His main brain control device is located in a small building on West 1st St.  This alien is incredibly strong and impervious to all Earth weapons.  He is psychokinetic and can even affect local weather.  He has no slaves, but he has already marked the city’s public officials and police by “remote brain scan printing,” and when the invasion takes place they will immediately be struck dead by a transmitter.  The brain scanner and transmitter are on his roof, disguised as an ordinary satellite dish.

    The invasion of Earth will happen soon, while mankind is distracted by economic and political problems.  I have told you about the Robot Monsters from Tau Ceti-4 so that you can take whatever steps you can to protect yourself.  Those who have not read my warning will, in all likelihood, die or become slaves or food for these Robot Monsters.  Tell everyone you know, while there is still time!

    Copyright@ 2009 by Crad Kilodney, Toronto, Canada.  E-mail: crad166@yahoo.com